Friday, March 27, 2015

When Life Comes Crashing Down

I was gearing up for my baptism this Sunday. With some amount of apprehension and anticipation.

After all, it's supposed to be a milestone in my walk with God.

The problem is, I don't even know if I believe in my life any more. What am I here for? What's my purpose? I'm still stuck in so many old ways that I can't or won't break. Every day is a whole new slate of failures.

Then I see a blog post from my sibling. One that says they want to disown someone (me) and another saying that they can only stay sane by ignoring my existence.

How can I walk into church and say I want to be baptized when my own family wants to reject me?

How can I aspire to save lives and do God's work out in the world when my own home is falling apart and I have no idea how to fix it? Can I even fix it in the first place, when I'm the one who broke it?

The worst thing is, I have all these poisonous thoughts running around my head now. Thoughts that tempt me to lash out in anger, to run away. To end it all permanently.

God, if you are out there and you can hear me, please tell me something. Anything.

Something that tells me things aren't beyond repair and that my absence from this world would be missed.

Something that tells me You're there and You're listening to me.

Because I feel so alone in this world right now, and I feel like it would be better off without me.
--Xiang An at 12:45 AM