Wednesday, March 31, 2010
The Pacific
Can't wait can't wait can't wait!
--Xiang An at 3:51 PM
Monday, March 29, 2010
Shortcut to Happiness
"Yes, God could have created any reality He wanted, but He created this one. Birth, pain, conflict and death. Pain reminds us of which what hurts us, conflict challenges us to be better than we think we are. And death... Ah well, death. Death gives us to sum up all the good we've done, or left undone in life..."
Remember, son, there is never a shortcut to happiness.
Shortcut to Happiness (2007) is a film worth watching at least once. Not a particularly good movie in terms of technicality, but a strong message nonetheless.
--Xiang An at 9:25 PM
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Would It Matter?
If I wasn't here tomorrow would anybody care
If my time was up I'd wanna know
You were happy I was there
If I wasn't here tomorrow would anyone lose sleep
If I wasn't hard and hollow
Then maybe you would miss me
I know I'm a mess and I wanna be someone
Someone that I'd like better
I can never forget, so don't remind me of it forever
What if I just pulled myself together
Would it matter at all
What if I just tried not to remember
Would it matter at all
All the chances that have passed me by
Would it matter if I gave it one more try
Would it matter at all
If I wasn't here tomorrow would anybody care
Still stuck inside this sorrow
I got nothin and going nowhere
I know I'm a mess and I wanna be someone
Someone that I'd like better
Can you help me forget, don't wanna feel like this forever
If I left tomorrow would anybody care
Stuck in this sorrow
Going nowhere
--Xiang An at 1:53 PM
Friday, March 26, 2010
Let Your Glory Shine
Even when I feel like murdering the next person who comes to me and asks me to help them with something or to wake up/be more cheerful. Even on days when I wake up in the morning to realise I'm epicly late and basically get a taste of army mobilisation.
May Your glory shine through me.
Your love won't deny me
Even in the storm You find me
You call me from the darkness to Your light
Your hand ever leads me
Lord, You're never gonna leave me
You're teaching me to fight a better fight, whoa
Let Your glory shine
Let Your glory shine
Let Your glory shine through me
Let Your glory shine
Let Your glory shine
Let Your glory shine
I know You're the Savior
You're taking every fear and failure
You're lifting me to rise above it all
Your love won't be shaken
You're taking who I am and making
Something out of nothing for Your cause, whoa
--Xiang An at 1:48 PM
Monday, March 22, 2010
Learning vs Knowing
Today I've come to realise a major difference between knowing and learning, and it's put some of the things into perspective.
Why doesn't God just reply to each prayer with a simple yes or no immediately? Why does He ask us to more often than not, wait? For Him to tell us the time is now right, or for Him to work in the situation.
Maybe it's cause He realises giving us the answers is very different from giving us the LESSONS. Sometimes it's the journey towards the answer that teaches us more than the answer itself. It's the process of growing and self-discovery that truly shows us what to do with the answers and knowledge we learn rather than attaining the knowledge itself.
There will always be questions, but sometimes we're just not ready to know the answers, or we're not going to understand them until we come to that point where God reveals it to us.
Maybe instead of wishing He could tell what to do with my feelings, instead of asking Him to take these thoughts away, I should just wrestle with them and work my way through them, let Jesus guide me through the motions and perhaps, when I finally receive my answers, I'll have grown enough to handle and fully understand them.
Sounds strangely profound, but I'm tired from all the thinking that led to this conclusion. Especially when this insight came while I was packed into the bus more tightly than an ionic lattice and unable to catch some rest.
Unfortunately, it's 6.25 and if I sleep now, no homework will be done and I'll wake up at some unearthly hour and just be darn dead in school again. I'm just glad it's PW for first period tmr, so I have some time in the morning where I can postpone my tutorial-doing to.
(And before any of you start lecturing me in your heads about doing my homework on time, I'm actually ahead for once, it's due on Thursday so cut me some slack :D)
--Xiang An at 6:16 PM
Sunday, March 21, 2010
The older I get.
The older I get, will I get over it?
How do I look forward to His plans and purpose for me when I'm still looking back at the past?
How do I move on when I don't even know where to go?
You're my guiding light, but what happens when I can no longer see You?
Where do I find the strength to tread on the path You've set out for me and not the one I'm so tempted to take?
--Xiang An at 6:21 PM
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Breaking Chains
=====
When I feel alone, I know You're there.
When I desire the feeling of someone else's hands in mine, You take my hands in Yours and guide me.
Who am I, that the eyes that see my sin, would look on me with love and watch me rise again?
Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth, would care to know my name, would care to feel my hurt?
Who am I, that the God of all the universe should be by my side and comfort me when I call out to Him, to respond to my prayers so swiftly?
--Xiang An at 9:49 PM
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
I've just commited the ultimate sin.
Eating at Orchard with my mom and sis, that's what. Steak and Chicken at Aston's at Centrepoint, then going over to Central for Ben and Jerry's (which has now officially become my favourite B&J outlet.)
They have a BAR on the verandah there. And chocolates at 2.50 apiece and cakes which cost more per slice than my steak and chicken. Nuts.
Unfortunately, since I'm fasting from soft drinks (which also includes alcohol), I couldn't order any of the drinks, so I had to make do with lime juice (which is a totally bad idea when eating a 2 scoop sundae with hot fudge.) Chunky Monkey and NY Fudge. Mmm. Tasty. I'll just stick with iced water when having ice cream next time.
Mom ordered a glass of wine for grandma. How cool is that? But it cost like $12 for a glass (another reason why my mom wouldn't have let me order a drink there even if I wasn't fasting from alcohol.)
Bleargh.
And stayed behind in school yesterday to do extended chapel rehearsals. It's just amazing how much improvement we made in a manner of hours, and when I was feeling like everything was going to fall apart just 2 days before on Sunday. Guess my prayers were answered? Haha.
Another really cool thing - Jem actually commented that my editting of the songs we were using was "power". I thought it was going to sound weird but everyone actually thought it was okay. Awesome. So much excitement I'm trying very hard to keep myself from bouncing around the house like a... basketball with infinite amounts of energy. *Fail analogy, Xiang An, fail.*
It's really cool to see all the things coming together for Easter Week, I can't wait to see how this year is going to be like! :D
And whoo, OG outing tmr. Miss OGJermain ttm. Wonder if any of them reads my blog. Hahaa.
Tiara's blog is quite amusing. Heh. Especially when she posts the things she does with her boyfriend. It's ... sweet. And amusing. I think I could make their relationship into some movie. Hahaa. Although personally he does set the bar quite high for being a good boyfriend. *Feels my own past experience being crushed to the deepest regions of the realm of fail*
Oh well, I was in an all guys' school and I'm a geek. Fail is expected. Better luck next time for me? Haha. Now it's just dating my books and guitar. Oh, and my cards and computer :) Student, magician, guitarist and a growing Christian guy. That's enough on my plate for now.
(Okay I'm going to start sounding like a typical geek who has no idea of what "BGR" and "girls" mean again after this.)
Why did I start fasting from computer games too? Now I'm bored to death when cooped up at home over the holidays. Bleargh. Can't wait for 3rd April to come, on that day I will LAN and drink all the soft drinks/alcohol I can (without getting drunk xD).
RAWR.
All the food is making me really random. :D
--Xiang An at 9:46 PM
Saturday, March 13, 2010
I can't bear to see the man I was rising up in me again.
Like the lyrics say, it's not me holding on to Jesus, but Him holding on to me. Because my arms will always get tired and I'll fall away, but His everlasting arms always carry me, and He'll always be by my side even when I'm trying to run from Him.
So many thoughts try to bring me back to who I was, try to cloud my eyes with selfish thoughts, but I won't listen to them... I'll choose to listen to the Voice of Truth.
=====
Morning breaks another day
Finds me crying in the rain
All alone with my demons I am
Who is this man that comes my way?
The dark ones shriek
They scream His name
Is this the One they say will set the captives free?
Jesus, rescue me
Set me free of the chains holding me
Is anybody out there hearing me?
Set me free
Do you want to be free?
Lift your chains
I hold the key
All Power on Heaven and earth belong to me
--Xiang An at 4:37 PM
Monday, March 08, 2010
Whispers in the Dark
Tears turning into roses.
I'm not perfect.
I can be really hateful at times.
I can say things that really hurt.
I annoy the hell out of those around me.
I can be really prideful.
I can raise hell at my worst.
I'm insecure about being accepted.
I need people to show me affection to know I'm loved.
I get jealous of how close some of the people around me are.
But... I'm thankful for the people that stand by me and love me despite all these things. The people that line my night sky with stars and give me hope when I'm feeling down.
Yet strangely... I never feel as if I'm really close to them. How much do I really know about the people whom I trust? How often do I spend time to hang out with them and just chat, just catch up on life? The last point's a little tough, since most of them are busy mugging... Yet that's the one thing I never really got.
Sure studying's important, it's the foundation for where God is going to place us in the future. Some people say that putting effort into our studies is preparing for the future. My question is this, what about further into the future? What will really matter then? The money we've earned so far? Or the people and friends we gathered and grown close to over the decades?
I've always placed taking time out to just chill with my friends over studying time. I mean, I know what are the memories I'll cherish when I look back on my years in school, and it sure as hell won't include books. It'll be the friends I made, who became as dear family to me, the people whom I share the silly laughs with, the people whom I lend a shoulder (or a packet of tissue) to cry into.
Am I actually close to the people I think I'm close to? Or will they just be people that fill spaces for friends in certain periods of my life? I really hope it's the former, and I really do envy the people around who already have that. Is this just another selfish need to feel needed and loved? I don't know. But I'm starting to feel as if ever since we've stepped up, I've been drift further apart from certain people in SFC whom I used to be quite close to. Have our responsibilities worn down our friendship? Or are we just forgetting to learn to take time to chill together and make memories, instead of output?
--Xiang An at 8:14 PM
Saturday, March 06, 2010
PBJ
--Xiang An at 9:59 PM
More contemplations on BGR...
I seriously don't get how some girls can be friends with guys who like them.
Being a guy, I understand how that feels, like a carrot dangling in front of you, so to speak. Thinking that there's a chance, or feeling as if it's killing you inside. Is it better to just kill all hope by saying no and not letting them too close? How do we define what "too close" is anyway?
I was just thinking about all these because (although I will never admit it in front of them), I am quite protective of my female friends. I guess some things are up to the individual to decide. But I decided not to get involved with other people's business when it comes to that... Since after all it is their own decision where they want to draw the lines between friendship and courtship. Perhaps some leave a wider boundary than others (or maybe it's just that my idea of friendliness is too... conservative?).
Anyway, I'm not looking forward to tomorrow... I'm considering leaving my church, for reasons only a handful of people know. I can't see myself going to church, trying to step up as a Christian guy and disciple others or serve in church when I'm being distracted in cell and service.
Ironically, telling yourself not to be distracted during those moments is allowing yourself to be distracted. The more I try to move my thoughts away from it, the more they stray there. And how long till it becomes prevalent every time I come into worship or prayer, even in school and SFC?
Loads of questions, and no answers in sight. Someone help me.
--Xiang An at 9:26 PM
Thursday, March 04, 2010
Don't Wake Me...
The nostalgia of seeing someone who was very dear to you, who has walked out of your life but left it totally and radically changed. The sad feeling that accompanies the realisation of knowing your dreams are the only way of ever meeting that person again.
I'm not going emo... I guess I'm just trying to get back to that point in my life where I let someone else into my life and was totally unguarded and vulnerable with them, where the walls of my heart were gone. She's out of my life, and though I'm glad to have moved on, I'm still wondering if I can ever remove the walls within my heart and just let someone else entirely into my heart again.
I thank God for the work He's done within my heart, yet I still have a long way to go before I'm even a fraction of the man after His own heart that I aspire to be... Learning to love and give until it hurts and even when it hurts and costs everything. To be someone else's support even while we're feeling weak ourselves.
It's a tall order but I guess God never said He was going to give us something "doable". We're always going to be challenged.
Yes, Skillet's songs are leaving me very reflective lately. I'm leaving you guys with one last song in this post.
=====
Even while I'm tired out physically, I'm thankful just to be awake and alive, and I'll keep fighting as long as I am.
--Xiang An at 7:54 PM
Wednesday, March 03, 2010
The Last Night
For anyone who's feeling alone and as if they are carrying the weight of the world on their shoulders...
For SFC... THIS SONG IS COOL IT'S AWESOME FOR *AHEM* THAT THING RIGHT? (I'm trying not to spoil it for those who aren't in SFC but read my blog... xD)
=====
If you guys are wondering why I've been posting so many songs from Skillet, it's cause Shane introduced the band to me and I'm still listening to all of their songs and posting the ones I really like or are really encouraging.
=====
This song basically describes my life in the past 2 to 3 weeks... He's given me the strength to hold on, and I've realised I don't spend my nights alone :D
--Xiang An at 11:54 PM
Tuesday, March 02, 2010
Hero
For anyone who's feeling weak and dry. The Hero'll come and save us just in time.
=====
It's been a long dry spell for me spiritually. My reiatsu is currently in the negatives. Funny thing is, when I saw how much other people were giving to me, to others, to the vision they believe in, and how much worse they felt compared to me, all my problems just shrunk in comparison.
I've been somewhat withdrawn and at moments just plain hateful. Self-control just went out the window. On hindsight it was just plain stupid, wanting to talk to someone but wanting them to make the first move. Or to some others, it was just a reluctance to burden them with my own problems when they were going through their own problems.
I'm still looking for the line between being a lone wolf and being independent, between being a burden and asking for help. Where does that line start, and where does it end?
I guess you could say there's finally a hint of rain clouds in the air now, and the soil is ready to receive it. This song kept me going. It's like a movie, how the hero always comes in at the crucial moment to save the day. Isn't that how God is? Always watching us in our struggles and stepping in to save us and protect us when we're too close to the edge.
And it's been stupid of me to withdraw into my own shell when I'm facing problems. I guess I've been too affected by the expectations of me having to put up a front of being invulnerable since I'm a guy. Funny thing is, where did these expectations come from? Society? Parents? Mentors? Friends? Or are men just wired to act this way?
Then I asked myself, is being vulnerable wrong? Admitting that sometimes the things in our lives are just too much to handle and we don't know what to do. Sure, others may have their own problems but I realised something, sometimes we're just holding the solutions to each others' problems, aren't we?
Then reading Matt's devotion for the prayer and fast, this line just struck me - the closest distance between the problem and the solution is the distance between our knees and the ground.
Sometimes it's just leaving our problems in the hands of a Hero. Sometimes we have to be that hero for someone else even if we're feeling like we're losing our faith or having a dry season. I guess it was this verse of the song that I really feel for:
Who's gonna fight for what's right?
Who's gonna help us survive?
We're in the fight of our lives
(And we're not ready to die)
Who's gonna fight for the weak?
Who's gonna make'em believe,
I've got a Hero, livin' in me!
I'm gonna fight for what's right,
Today I'm speakin' my mind
And if it kills me tonight
(I will be ready to die)
A hero's not afraid to give his life
A Hero's gonna save me just in time.
It's not easy, but I hope I can rise up to this challenge.
--Xiang An at 5:46 PM
The Pacific
Can't wait can't wait can't wait!
--Xiang An at 3:51 PM
Monday, March 29, 2010
Shortcut to Happiness
"Yes, God could have created any reality He wanted, but He created this one. Birth, pain, conflict and death. Pain reminds us of which what hurts us, conflict challenges us to be better than we think we are. And death... Ah well, death. Death gives us to sum up all the good we've done, or left undone in life..."
Remember, son, there is never a shortcut to happiness.
Shortcut to Happiness (2007) is a film worth watching at least once. Not a particularly good movie in terms of technicality, but a strong message nonetheless.
--Xiang An at 9:25 PM
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Would It Matter?
If I wasn't here tomorrow would anybody care
If my time was up I'd wanna know
You were happy I was there
If I wasn't here tomorrow would anyone lose sleep
If I wasn't hard and hollow
Then maybe you would miss me
I know I'm a mess and I wanna be someone
Someone that I'd like better
I can never forget, so don't remind me of it forever
What if I just pulled myself together
Would it matter at all
What if I just tried not to remember
Would it matter at all
All the chances that have passed me by
Would it matter if I gave it one more try
Would it matter at all
If I wasn't here tomorrow would anybody care
Still stuck inside this sorrow
I got nothin and going nowhere
I know I'm a mess and I wanna be someone
Someone that I'd like better
Can you help me forget, don't wanna feel like this forever
If I left tomorrow would anybody care
Stuck in this sorrow
Going nowhere
--Xiang An at 1:53 PM
Friday, March 26, 2010
Let Your Glory Shine
Even when I feel like murdering the next person who comes to me and asks me to help them with something or to wake up/be more cheerful. Even on days when I wake up in the morning to realise I'm epicly late and basically get a taste of army mobilisation.
May Your glory shine through me.
Your love won't deny me
Even in the storm You find me
You call me from the darkness to Your light
Your hand ever leads me
Lord, You're never gonna leave me
You're teaching me to fight a better fight, whoa
Let Your glory shine
Let Your glory shine
Let Your glory shine through me
Let Your glory shine
Let Your glory shine
Let Your glory shine
I know You're the Savior
You're taking every fear and failure
You're lifting me to rise above it all
Your love won't be shaken
You're taking who I am and making
Something out of nothing for Your cause, whoa
--Xiang An at 1:48 PM
Monday, March 22, 2010
Learning vs Knowing
Today I've come to realise a major difference between knowing and learning, and it's put some of the things into perspective.
Why doesn't God just reply to each prayer with a simple yes or no immediately? Why does He ask us to more often than not, wait? For Him to tell us the time is now right, or for Him to work in the situation.
Maybe it's cause He realises giving us the answers is very different from giving us the LESSONS. Sometimes it's the journey towards the answer that teaches us more than the answer itself. It's the process of growing and self-discovery that truly shows us what to do with the answers and knowledge we learn rather than attaining the knowledge itself.
There will always be questions, but sometimes we're just not ready to know the answers, or we're not going to understand them until we come to that point where God reveals it to us.
Maybe instead of wishing He could tell what to do with my feelings, instead of asking Him to take these thoughts away, I should just wrestle with them and work my way through them, let Jesus guide me through the motions and perhaps, when I finally receive my answers, I'll have grown enough to handle and fully understand them.
Sounds strangely profound, but I'm tired from all the thinking that led to this conclusion. Especially when this insight came while I was packed into the bus more tightly than an ionic lattice and unable to catch some rest.
Unfortunately, it's 6.25 and if I sleep now, no homework will be done and I'll wake up at some unearthly hour and just be darn dead in school again. I'm just glad it's PW for first period tmr, so I have some time in the morning where I can postpone my tutorial-doing to.
(And before any of you start lecturing me in your heads about doing my homework on time, I'm actually ahead for once, it's due on Thursday so cut me some slack :D)
--Xiang An at 6:16 PM
Sunday, March 21, 2010
The older I get.
The older I get, will I get over it?
How do I look forward to His plans and purpose for me when I'm still looking back at the past?
How do I move on when I don't even know where to go?
You're my guiding light, but what happens when I can no longer see You?
Where do I find the strength to tread on the path You've set out for me and not the one I'm so tempted to take?
--Xiang An at 6:21 PM
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Breaking Chains
=====
When I feel alone, I know You're there.
When I desire the feeling of someone else's hands in mine, You take my hands in Yours and guide me.
Who am I, that the eyes that see my sin, would look on me with love and watch me rise again?
Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth, would care to know my name, would care to feel my hurt?
Who am I, that the God of all the universe should be by my side and comfort me when I call out to Him, to respond to my prayers so swiftly?
--Xiang An at 9:49 PM
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
I've just commited the ultimate sin.
Eating at Orchard with my mom and sis, that's what. Steak and Chicken at Aston's at Centrepoint, then going over to Central for Ben and Jerry's (which has now officially become my favourite B&J outlet.)
They have a BAR on the verandah there. And chocolates at 2.50 apiece and cakes which cost more per slice than my steak and chicken. Nuts.
Unfortunately, since I'm fasting from soft drinks (which also includes alcohol), I couldn't order any of the drinks, so I had to make do with lime juice (which is a totally bad idea when eating a 2 scoop sundae with hot fudge.) Chunky Monkey and NY Fudge. Mmm. Tasty. I'll just stick with iced water when having ice cream next time.
Mom ordered a glass of wine for grandma. How cool is that? But it cost like $12 for a glass (another reason why my mom wouldn't have let me order a drink there even if I wasn't fasting from alcohol.)
Bleargh.
And stayed behind in school yesterday to do extended chapel rehearsals. It's just amazing how much improvement we made in a manner of hours, and when I was feeling like everything was going to fall apart just 2 days before on Sunday. Guess my prayers were answered? Haha.
Another really cool thing - Jem actually commented that my editting of the songs we were using was "power". I thought it was going to sound weird but everyone actually thought it was okay. Awesome. So much excitement I'm trying very hard to keep myself from bouncing around the house like a... basketball with infinite amounts of energy. *Fail analogy, Xiang An, fail.*
It's really cool to see all the things coming together for Easter Week, I can't wait to see how this year is going to be like! :D
And whoo, OG outing tmr. Miss OGJermain ttm. Wonder if any of them reads my blog. Hahaa.
Tiara's blog is quite amusing. Heh. Especially when she posts the things she does with her boyfriend. It's ... sweet. And amusing. I think I could make their relationship into some movie. Hahaa. Although personally he does set the bar quite high for being a good boyfriend. *Feels my own past experience being crushed to the deepest regions of the realm of fail*
Oh well, I was in an all guys' school and I'm a geek. Fail is expected. Better luck next time for me? Haha. Now it's just dating my books and guitar. Oh, and my cards and computer :) Student, magician, guitarist and a growing Christian guy. That's enough on my plate for now.
(Okay I'm going to start sounding like a typical geek who has no idea of what "BGR" and "girls" mean again after this.)
Why did I start fasting from computer games too? Now I'm bored to death when cooped up at home over the holidays. Bleargh. Can't wait for 3rd April to come, on that day I will LAN and drink all the soft drinks/alcohol I can (without getting drunk xD).
RAWR.
All the food is making me really random. :D
--Xiang An at 9:46 PM
Saturday, March 13, 2010
I can't bear to see the man I was rising up in me again.
Like the lyrics say, it's not me holding on to Jesus, but Him holding on to me. Because my arms will always get tired and I'll fall away, but His everlasting arms always carry me, and He'll always be by my side even when I'm trying to run from Him.
So many thoughts try to bring me back to who I was, try to cloud my eyes with selfish thoughts, but I won't listen to them... I'll choose to listen to the Voice of Truth.
=====
Finds me crying in the rain
All alone with my demons I am
Who is this man that comes my way?
The dark ones shriek
They scream His name
Is this the One they say will set the captives free?
Jesus, rescue me
Set me free of the chains holding me
Is anybody out there hearing me?
Set me free
Do you want to be free?
Lift your chains
I hold the key
All Power on Heaven and earth belong to me
--Xiang An at 4:37 PM
Monday, March 08, 2010
Whispers in the Dark
Tears turning into roses.
I'm not perfect.
I can be really hateful at times.
I can say things that really hurt.
I annoy the hell out of those around me.
I can be really prideful.
I can raise hell at my worst.
I'm insecure about being accepted.
I need people to show me affection to know I'm loved.
I get jealous of how close some of the people around me are.
But... I'm thankful for the people that stand by me and love me despite all these things. The people that line my night sky with stars and give me hope when I'm feeling down.
Yet strangely... I never feel as if I'm really close to them. How much do I really know about the people whom I trust? How often do I spend time to hang out with them and just chat, just catch up on life? The last point's a little tough, since most of them are busy mugging... Yet that's the one thing I never really got.
Sure studying's important, it's the foundation for where God is going to place us in the future. Some people say that putting effort into our studies is preparing for the future. My question is this, what about further into the future? What will really matter then? The money we've earned so far? Or the people and friends we gathered and grown close to over the decades?
I've always placed taking time out to just chill with my friends over studying time. I mean, I know what are the memories I'll cherish when I look back on my years in school, and it sure as hell won't include books. It'll be the friends I made, who became as dear family to me, the people whom I share the silly laughs with, the people whom I lend a shoulder (or a packet of tissue) to cry into.
Am I actually close to the people I think I'm close to? Or will they just be people that fill spaces for friends in certain periods of my life? I really hope it's the former, and I really do envy the people around who already have that. Is this just another selfish need to feel needed and loved? I don't know. But I'm starting to feel as if ever since we've stepped up, I've been drift further apart from certain people in SFC whom I used to be quite close to. Have our responsibilities worn down our friendship? Or are we just forgetting to learn to take time to chill together and make memories, instead of output?
--Xiang An at 8:14 PM
Saturday, March 06, 2010
PBJ
--Xiang An at 9:59 PM
More contemplations on BGR...
I seriously don't get how some girls can be friends with guys who like them.
Being a guy, I understand how that feels, like a carrot dangling in front of you, so to speak. Thinking that there's a chance, or feeling as if it's killing you inside. Is it better to just kill all hope by saying no and not letting them too close? How do we define what "too close" is anyway?
I was just thinking about all these because (although I will never admit it in front of them), I am quite protective of my female friends. I guess some things are up to the individual to decide. But I decided not to get involved with other people's business when it comes to that... Since after all it is their own decision where they want to draw the lines between friendship and courtship. Perhaps some leave a wider boundary than others (or maybe it's just that my idea of friendliness is too... conservative?).
Anyway, I'm not looking forward to tomorrow... I'm considering leaving my church, for reasons only a handful of people know. I can't see myself going to church, trying to step up as a Christian guy and disciple others or serve in church when I'm being distracted in cell and service.
Ironically, telling yourself not to be distracted during those moments is allowing yourself to be distracted. The more I try to move my thoughts away from it, the more they stray there. And how long till it becomes prevalent every time I come into worship or prayer, even in school and SFC?
Loads of questions, and no answers in sight. Someone help me.
--Xiang An at 9:26 PM
Thursday, March 04, 2010
Don't Wake Me...
The nostalgia of seeing someone who was very dear to you, who has walked out of your life but left it totally and radically changed. The sad feeling that accompanies the realisation of knowing your dreams are the only way of ever meeting that person again.
I'm not going emo... I guess I'm just trying to get back to that point in my life where I let someone else into my life and was totally unguarded and vulnerable with them, where the walls of my heart were gone. She's out of my life, and though I'm glad to have moved on, I'm still wondering if I can ever remove the walls within my heart and just let someone else entirely into my heart again.
I thank God for the work He's done within my heart, yet I still have a long way to go before I'm even a fraction of the man after His own heart that I aspire to be... Learning to love and give until it hurts and even when it hurts and costs everything. To be someone else's support even while we're feeling weak ourselves.
It's a tall order but I guess God never said He was going to give us something "doable". We're always going to be challenged.
Yes, Skillet's songs are leaving me very reflective lately. I'm leaving you guys with one last song in this post.
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Even while I'm tired out physically, I'm thankful just to be awake and alive, and I'll keep fighting as long as I am.
--Xiang An at 7:54 PM
Wednesday, March 03, 2010
The Last Night
For anyone who's feeling alone and as if they are carrying the weight of the world on their shoulders...
For SFC... THIS SONG IS COOL IT'S AWESOME FOR *AHEM* THAT THING RIGHT? (I'm trying not to spoil it for those who aren't in SFC but read my blog... xD)
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If you guys are wondering why I've been posting so many songs from Skillet, it's cause Shane introduced the band to me and I'm still listening to all of their songs and posting the ones I really like or are really encouraging.
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This song basically describes my life in the past 2 to 3 weeks... He's given me the strength to hold on, and I've realised I don't spend my nights alone :D
--Xiang An at 11:54 PM
Tuesday, March 02, 2010
Hero
For anyone who's feeling weak and dry. The Hero'll come and save us just in time.
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It's been a long dry spell for me spiritually. My reiatsu is currently in the negatives. Funny thing is, when I saw how much other people were giving to me, to others, to the vision they believe in, and how much worse they felt compared to me, all my problems just shrunk in comparison.
I've been somewhat withdrawn and at moments just plain hateful. Self-control just went out the window. On hindsight it was just plain stupid, wanting to talk to someone but wanting them to make the first move. Or to some others, it was just a reluctance to burden them with my own problems when they were going through their own problems.
I'm still looking for the line between being a lone wolf and being independent, between being a burden and asking for help. Where does that line start, and where does it end?
I guess you could say there's finally a hint of rain clouds in the air now, and the soil is ready to receive it. This song kept me going. It's like a movie, how the hero always comes in at the crucial moment to save the day. Isn't that how God is? Always watching us in our struggles and stepping in to save us and protect us when we're too close to the edge.
And it's been stupid of me to withdraw into my own shell when I'm facing problems. I guess I've been too affected by the expectations of me having to put up a front of being invulnerable since I'm a guy. Funny thing is, where did these expectations come from? Society? Parents? Mentors? Friends? Or are men just wired to act this way?
Then I asked myself, is being vulnerable wrong? Admitting that sometimes the things in our lives are just too much to handle and we don't know what to do. Sure, others may have their own problems but I realised something, sometimes we're just holding the solutions to each others' problems, aren't we?
Then reading Matt's devotion for the prayer and fast, this line just struck me - the closest distance between the problem and the solution is the distance between our knees and the ground.
Sometimes it's just leaving our problems in the hands of a Hero. Sometimes we have to be that hero for someone else even if we're feeling like we're losing our faith or having a dry season. I guess it was this verse of the song that I really feel for:
Who's gonna help us survive?
We're in the fight of our lives
(And we're not ready to die)
Who's gonna fight for the weak?
Who's gonna make'em believe,
I've got a Hero, livin' in me!
I'm gonna fight for what's right,
Today I'm speakin' my mind
And if it kills me tonight
(I will be ready to die)
A hero's not afraid to give his life
A Hero's gonna save me just in time.
It's not easy, but I hope I can rise up to this challenge.
--Xiang An at 5:46 PM