Monday, January 06, 2014



So a year has come and gone; and a new one begins. To be honest, I didn't really have any great new hopes or exciting goals to look forward to when 2014 started. I still don't.

Now that my journey in NS has come to its final leg, I find myself looking back and all the things I've experienced and survived - all of the anger and frustration, joy and love, sorrow and loss. I ask myself - how have I changed as a person? We like to say NS is a rite of passage that marks the transition from boy to man... I find myself wondering if it's true for my case.

I have lived with and hung around people from different walks of life - guys my age who didn't have the education I did, who have been to prison, who have been involved in gangs. I made unlikely friends and learned to show compassion even when I wasn't given the same treatment.

I also learned a lot about God's sovereignty. My mother was in and out of the hospital during my BMT. It was ironic - the commanders telling us we were training to protect the loved ones when the enemy killing my mother was one I couldn't engage with a rifle. I was helpless and frustrated that I was stuck 6 days a week on an island away from home - not knowing if I would be able to see her the next weekend or not.

I prayed like I never had before. I prayed not only for her healing, but for God to be with my family. To give us the strength to face whatever lay ahead and that my father and sister would come to see His glory and love through this ordeal. I learned to thank Him for my mother's salvation despite her condition. It wasn't easy, not when I knew how much my mother had already been through in her life; not when cancer seemed a cruel suffering she did not deserve.

I passed out of BMT in July. Happy that both my family by blood and in Christ was there to share the moment with me, and saddened that my mother had been too weak to come and see me stand on the floating platform. Again, God blessed me with a good vocation - AFV Driver (V200). I was posted to the Air Force to operate a 14 ton armoured vehicle only 18 guys out of 3000 had the luck to do so.

Then, a month later, my mom passed away. It had always been something the whole family had prepared for - the cancer was aggressive. I guess that even with that knowledge, we assumed we had more time with her still. I remember I was still on the circuit in the Land Rover when the call came. I was being yelled at by my instructor and my phone was vibrating in my pocket endlessly - who was calling my so urgently? It wasn't five minutes after I got off the vehicle that I learned my mother passed.

Being told over a phone call surrounded by my friends in green was not how I imagined receiving the news. Everything was a blur for the next two hours - explaining to my course instructor what had happened, and getting permission to return home. I was on the verge of tears - not two days ago I was in her hospital room with the nagging thought that I should tell her all the things we never tell our parents: how much I loved her and appreciated everything she had done for me; even when I didn't see her good intentions or concern. I didn't get to tell her I was sorry I hadn't been a better son. I found out just how true it was that we regret the things left unsaid more than those we've spoken.

I broke down when I got home. I held it back while I was still in camp and all the way home. Even when I was outside alone and waiting to be picked up. Why? I asked God. Surely she deserved a long happy life surrounded by family, to see what her children would grow up to be like. Most of all, I asked Him how He could leave me without my mother so suddenly. Leave me without her guidance.

For all the talk of "becoming a man" in NS, I was just a scared little boy then. I was so unsure of where I was going or how I would get there. My mother had been such a huge source of encouragement and wisdom for me. I didn't know what to do without her. It took a lot for me to pray and tell God, "I said I would recognise your sovereignty in all things and I'll live by those words." I cried myself to sleep asking God to relay all the things I had left unsaid to her in my prayers. I found myself asking if she could hear me in heaven.

If I learned anything about God then, it was that He is faithful. He saw my family through the loss. He gave us comfort. He opened my eyes to the care and concern of my cell and close friends who were there for me. He reminded me that my mother was in a better place and freed from her pain and burdens. He saw me through my driving course safely, despite all the incidents that occurred.

Then, he taught me to grow as a man of God. 2013 was a frustrating year. There was hardly a single holiday I didn't spend in camp. I had to fly every 2 months for training with a buttload of equipment in a helicopter (which are much louder than they sound in movies) I had to deal with douchebags who worm their way out of their jobs and dumped it on me. All throughout the year, God reminded me of what it means to be Christ-like. I won't claim to have lived up to it (more often than not, I didn't) but I endeavoured to nonetheless.

I had to thank God for the many experiences I had - not many people get to see Singapore from a bird's eye view or appreciate how beautiful our nation looks at night, 45 storeys up. Not many people get to drive a tank or fly in a Super Puma. Not many people can say they stood guard while the nation celebrated its independence. Whenever I was on the road in my V2, all it took was a school bus filled with the faces of schoolchildren, excited at seeing us at our job, to cheer me up. Or the random dude on the pavement who salutes us when we pass by.

So, at the end of this journey and as a new year starts with all its promises, I thank God for seeing me through it all and my family who stood by me; for my friends and Elyon who encouraged me when I was down and made me laugh. To my friends in 3 DA  Bravo who made life fun and enjoyable, who shared memories and laughter with me throughout my time there (even the jokers who made my life difficult and required my utmost tolerance not to murder), I really couldn't have known a better bunch of guys to serve with.
--Xiang An at 9:34 PM