I can hear her crying
Thinking she's the one to blame
Will this ever end?
Will this house be a home again?
If I had my way,
I'd corner him and say
Put yourself in her position
All she needs is recognition
Love's not enough when you say it
Don't you know you've got to mean it?
Screwing up the best thing ever
Is something you'll regret forever
Let her know
Never let her go
8-8-8
How do I tell her that she deserves better... She tweeted "Should I give up or hold on?" and as much as I wanted to reply her... How do I do it? I want her to be happy but at the same time I can't deny some selfish part of me wants her to break up with him. So should I keep my silence or should I say something?
I can't honestly tell her that she should hold on to him when I don't honestly believe he'll treat her any better in the future. I can't tell her to let him go because who am I to judge? Besides, it's apparent enough to everyone that I've got an ulterior motive for saying so even if I do honestly believe it's better for her to end it.
Damned if I do and damned if I don't. I want to keep silent but my conscience won't let me.
"How can you just leave her like this?"
It's not my place to do it...
"But she's your friend! Even if you do have feelings for her... You'd tell anyone else the same thing!"
She never talked to me about it, it's obvious it's none of my business.
"You can't just let her suffer!"
Would she listen to a guy whom she knows has feelings for her? Who for all she knew could very well be manipulating her current state of emotions to make her break up?
"So? You believe that they're not going to work out anyway. Be honest and tell her even if she alienates you for it. Isn't that what you always told yourself? To be that Dark Knight?"
Shut up, conscience.
Maybe I'm just too afraid of losing her as a friend that I don't dare to tell her what I really think. Then again is it even my place to talk?
--Xiang An at 6:51 PM
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Distancing without any distance
So many thoughts running through my mind after the last two days... Thoughts I don't need so close to the exams. What can I do though?
Don't want to alienate a friend but I can't let my feelings for her continue.
I want to be there for her but at the same time I can't stand knowing it's over another guy.
I want to be THAT guy standing beside her but I don't want to lose her as a friend if it ends badly.
I can't deny that she's been a good friend and it's been fun knowing her. I can't deny that as much as I want to stop feeling this way about her, some part of me wants her to feel the same way about me and for it to last. I can't deny that I really want her as a friend but can't trust my own self-control to stick to my lines. Lines that are getting more blurred with each moment I'm around her or see her.
Some part of me... Wants her to be happy. The same part wishes that that happiness was with me. Not him. Dark side me wants them to break up so I have a fighting chance. Noble me wants her to be happy even if it isn't with me. I can't deny the temptation of that dream, but I don't want to be that kind of a bastard. I want her to be happy and if that means I'm not going to end up with her, well we can at least still be friends, right? I don't think I can be Mr Right for her anyway, at least not now. In the future... Who knows? Maybe there will be a chance. Maybe there'll be someone else. Maybe we'll drop out of contact.
For now, at least, I want to cherish this friendship. Yet the idiotic, hopeful side of me is wishing there was a chance. The sensible side of me is telling me it won't end well even if I got it. The question now is, how do I distance myself without distancing myself? Close enough to be good friends but far away enough so that I won't have to keep fighting this conflict within myself. I need a battle plan, I need to be able to stick to that plan... So far I'm coming up empty.
Today wasn't exactly a good day in this regard either. Went down to CK to talk to Melvin and relax, also since Yuzuki and Chihiro were working there after they quit (as a favor to the boss that I think won't happen again for quite some time... Sigh.) She came down to look for Chihiro (somehow I saw that coming...) and they talked. Melvin and I split for a while before going back to finish our tea and we left after. Not before Chihiro talked about again though.
"She's at Pizza Hut now... You want to go look for her?"
(Me acting dense)"Who?"
(Her missing the hint.)"Wan Qi la!"
"A little obvious, don't you think?"
"Just message her and ask her lor! 'Hey you're at pizza hut? I'm hungry and feel like eating there too mind if I come?'"
"A little bit of distance is good also..."
"Why? Just be good friends with her la!"
"Don't give me hope if there isn't a chance."
Silence. Not sure what that was supposed to mean but perhaps she saw my point. After we left Melvin and I were walking down to PS when this random dude with a camera asked us while we were passing, "What do you think are the ingredients of a happy marriage?"
My (unsaid) response: "Oh. Fuck."
We just gave him a weird stare and walked on.
THEN, while we were eating at Mac's... Stupid emo love songs kept playing in the background. I don't think I need to explain any further as to my mood beyond that point. Headed home afterwards and first thing when I log on to MSN? A message from her from last night after I had signed off. So close yet so far, and it felt like a slap to the face.
An ultimatum to give up or a taunt to bring me down? Either way I'm still trying to wash the bitter taste out of my mouth. Why can't things ever be simple?
Time to get over it I guess.
8-8-8
You know what it's like getting up every morning feeling hopeless, feeling like the love of your life is waking up with the wrong man? But, at the same time, hoping that she still finds happiness, even if it's never going to be with you?
- Albert Brenneman, Hitch (2005)
--Xiang An at 10:13 PM
Monday, June 06, 2011
I have a confession
SHE LOOKS SO CUTE IN HER SPECS AND UNIFORM ARGH I CAN'T TAKE IT.
--Xiang An at 9:34 PM
Times...
Been kind of feeling this way, that all the while I'm doing what I can to help other people and to brighten up their day because I can't do it for myself. If God's so powerful why am I still stuck with all the crap here? Hm.
So many other thoughts that I can't find the words to express... Yet I know they're thoughts need to be cleared.
--Xiang An at 4:31 PM
Sunday, June 05, 2011
Why is that idiot smiling to himself?
I just couldn't help it today. I think I was part delirious from the lack of sleep but today was a really fun day all in all. Woke up at 8.20 and headed down to Jem's house for cell retreat. Yes, it's very late considering we're supposed to meet at 9am but then again I was watching House with my mom until 3am in the morning... and there was a thunderstorm this morning. Those who know me will know that thunderstorms are my favourite excuse to stay in and not go out in the morning and just let my bed love me until the afternoon (or when my parents decided to switch off the air con to wake me up). We watched the Prince of Egypt, ate breakfast together and had quiet time before the session, which I missed because I had to go off to Woodlands to meet Qi for her birthday meal.
I kind of regretted suggesting meeting at Woodlands cause I didn't realise Causeway Point was being renovated and there were boards everywhere. Thankfully Seoul Garden was still open for business and we managed to have a nice meal there. Despite her protests that she couldn't really eat a lot, Qi actually ate more than most girls I know (considering we filled 2 plates each and then went for seconds...) It was really fun getting to talk to her again after she stopped working at CK (ok so maybe it's not been so long since I saw her on Monday when she was there to collect her pay). Sigh, I'm still smiling like a dolt right now. @.@
Headed to Plaza Sing after that to get her present from Melvin (which she was too lazy to make the trip down to get... -.-) and then to CK after that to chill. Showed Sora some magic tricks and it made me smile again. Not that I'm chasing skirts everywhere, mind you, it's just that I haven't seen anyone react to my magic tricks in such a positive way in a long time and it was awesome!
To end this off, a song dedication to the birthday girl (ok, soon-to-be birthday girl) [I highly doubt she's going to see this on my desolate blog]
--Xiang An at 9:41 PM
Saturday, June 04, 2011
I Want You To Know...
I don't want this moment to ever end
Where everything's nothing without you.