Not that it necessarily has to be taken with a romantic context to it.
--Xiang An at 9:03 PM
Monday, April 25, 2011
Self-control
Had a good talk with Melvin today (He was awesome enough to wait for 190 with me and take it down to Orchard after meeting up at CK! :D) I guess it was God's way of reaffirming my decisions and resolutions regarding the Awkwardness.
So many things I want to say, but meh, this is one of those times where I have to learn that silence is golden and to keep my mouth shut. Especially since I'm a neutral party.
--Xiang An at 9:58 PM
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Outcast
Life Concert 2011 ended on a great note, where I just came before the Lord and everything else disappeared. The pre-show fluster, all the things that have been bothering me, all gone in the presence of the One and only loving God.
I can't quite describe, it's as if for the night, everything just... vanished. I was just worshipping with all my heart, nothing else mattered. Not the homework I had left undone, not the amount of work I had to complete, not about relating to the people around me... Just standing there in His presence and praising Him.
Then Jem said this to all of us, "We have to come down from the mountaintop experiences." Sad to say, as joyous and wonderful as the night was, it's back to reality and back to the battle. Yet Life Concert has reminded me that in face of all of disappointments and fears, God is greater than all of it. In the presence of His glory, all my worries, everything in my life that seems so big, becomes nothing.
Not that I didn't wish I had the chance, or courage, to reach out to some people I know. The road to Life Concert was a real eye-opener: I saw brokenness in the lives of those around me, I met some people who needed that love from God, and I saw kindred spirits. Most of the Christian friends I know haven't been through anything major (with the exception of a few guys like Shane) and I felt this... Anger? Frustration? Guilt? Compassion? I can't quite place it, but I realised that we are so content living in our own little bubbles we don't see that the people we come into contact with daily are trying to fill that God-shaped vacuum in their hearts.
Perhaps it's one of those times when you have to get burnt before you feel concern for someone playing with fire. Perhaps the things I've been through means that I empathise better with the people I've met and come to know as friends. Yet the only thing I can really do now is to pray for them and hope that God is listening.
--Xiang An at 5:40 PM
Saturday, April 09, 2011
Wanderlust
Reread Celine's blog post about spiritual wanderlust a few days back. It reminded of the same thing that helped me get over the suckage of Valentine's Day.
Maybe my wounds still hurt because I'm choosing to nurse the wound myself instead of letting Christ heal it. Or even when He does, I let the devil reopen it. The past week I found myself slowly but surely letting go of my desires and dreams, of my pride and my yearning for the story to be written in my hand.
Sure, I guess you can say God still leaves the pens in our hands and lets us decided what we want to write in the story of our lives, but my choice is to let Him dictate what I'll write from now on. Surrender, all of it, everything. I won't hold anything back out of selfish desire anymore.
--Xiang An at 10:01 PM
Sunday, April 03, 2011
Burning out
I'm running out of reasons to continue the fight.
It's been way too fucking long for me to carry this burden. To nurse this wound.
It's been eating away at me and now there's nothing left for it to consume - I'm spent. I'm sick and tired. I'm done.
I want no more.
No more thinking, "That should be me!"
No more wondering "What if?"
No more dreaming "If she were mine"
No more asking, "Why?"
Because I don't know the answers. Because I know I don't want to hear them.
Because the truth may scare me more than the lies I tell myself. Because convincing myself that I'm fucked up is so much simpler than change. So much simpler to tell myself that I don't care rather than try to fix the problem and keep failing, time and again.
I've been praying and it seems God's been content to let me struggle on my own. I'm done with this. I can't struggle on my own anymore. I can't continue the fight. I'm surrendering. I'm giving up.
I'm sick of life. Of living day to day without purpose, without a reason to live. Of trying to make myself feel like someone.
Lord, I know You promised that out of ashes beauty will rise, but I can't hold on any longer. I need Your promises to be more than head knowledge but they're just that. These wounds, will they never heal?