Saturday, October 31, 2009
Puzzle of my heart.
I actually did this video myself. I should stop wasting my time on such stupid things.
Sigh, why the shit am I getting emo over this again.
-----
On another note, I'm glad I got a chance to resolve the issue. I just hope the same can be done for the other half of the equation. We shouldn't be letting these stupid things get in the way of our friendships. There is no condemnation on Christ right?
I just hope we can all learn totalk things through like adults. It's funny how we keep trying to solve the situation but our actions end making the situation worse. I guess this is an example of market failure due to incomplete knowledge. Hahaha.
--Xiang An at 10:37 PM
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Zombification
I'm totally dying from lack of sleep... Been reaching home at 10-11 plus due to SFC related events, plus working on OP/WR the past week. It's been so tempting to just take a day to pon school and just get my lost hours of sleep back.
But I won't give in! RARR. Sigh. Been eating mac's for the past 5 days too. Crap, I'm going to be 100kg by the end of next week I swear. Grr. Time to start exercising. Oh and if you guys do eat mac's,if you get the Toa Payoh game piece please give it to me! =P
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It's a vicious cycle of annoyance lately. A just seems to annoy B no matter what A does, and B annoys me with the "self-indulgent" behaviour. Maybe the lack of sleep is just making me too irritable. Oh well. Hopefully I won't feel this way after I'm better rested.
Yet, it's hard to be nice when people keep making noise about wanting to go to a certain place to eat and when the group turns them down, they go home instead. It's not like it's their obligation to go for dinner, but isn't it a tad childish to do something like that?
Maybe I'm being too sensitive. Once again, lack of sleep makes me very irritable.
Sigh, good thing is PW will be over in 2 weeks' time, and back to a (more) stress-free life.
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I'm supposed to be ushering for chapel tomorrow cause we have communion. I didn't even know we do that for chapel. Interesting.
--Xiang An at 10:14 PM
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
A fine line
How does one distinguish the line between being a joker and becoming a guy who's flirting with the girl you're joking around with?
Just a thought.
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Walls are there for a reason. God puts barriers between what we want and where we are because it's all a road of preparation. With each barrier we overcome we re-evaluate how much we want to attain our objectives. With each barrier we feel a greater strength within us as we get closer to the goal and know that we have come this far because we have overcome the trials and that God is guiding and helping us along the way, and that our efforts and trust in Him have paid off.
Sometimes He places insurmountable barriers because we just aren't ready. These are the barriers that can only be overcome by submitting to His authority and turning away. These are the barriers that give us the most pain.
I still have to try hard to remember that when God stops me from reaching a goal or accomplishing something, it's not because He wishes to see me defeated, He just wants me to know I'm not ready yet, or what I seek will only harm me.
With this in mind, how can I possibly feel upset about walls that I can't knock down? They're there to stop me from destruction, they're there because there's Someone who loves me enough to stop me from going down that path even if it'll be painful for me. A heavenly Father who, despite forcing us to make the painful choices to give up the things that will destroy us, feels the same pain we feel inside as we are being moulded into His image.
I lay it all down.
--Xiang An at 9:28 PM
Friday, October 23, 2009
Hands or tonsils?
Plugging into the Church
Interesting article from boundless (Yes, Celine, you can stop gloating now.)
Am I just the saikang warrior of SFC? A prayer warrior in church? Or is God calling me somewhere more but I'm just not taking the first step?
Lately I've been question my role in church, and in SFC. I'm not saying I want to be the guy that everyone sees and goes, "Oh, dude, that's the guy that always helps out in chapel." or whatever.
I wonder if there are things I could be doing better, things that I've been neglecting. The answer is that there always is, I guess. I can't be keeping track of everything around me, I don't have all-seeing eyes, neither am I omnipresent. I guess I just have to do my best each day and watch out for areas I can improve.
I was surprised at how many people came up to me and gave me a pat on the back for leading MW this morning. I was almost sure I was going to choke. And I almost did. I sang for 20 minutes with phlegm in my throat (I hate you, sinus.)
But there was just a voice in my head going, "Forget the phlegm, worship!"
Ironically, Larissa, Sarah and Pris showed up at MW. Ultimate shock of my life. Figures the one day I didn't try to get my class to come down that God would move and one up my efforts. There was almost this comical moment where I looked up to the sky and said, "Oh, You're good."
Perhaps that's all there is to it, to just stop wondering, trusting in God and taking that first step, making the effort to be more involved in serving rather than wait for the opportunities to come by. Have faith that God multiplies our efforts.
The lightsaber won't come till I pull it back with the Force =P
Sorry, star wars has been on my mind way too much recently.
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How true. (Okay, in context, this article is about women waiting for the one guy they'll marry... but still.)
--Xiang An at 11:32 PM
Thursday, October 22, 2009
You are amazing God.
--Xiang An at 7:52 PM
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Hang in there.
You've fought the battle and kept it together for one day, don't lose heart. You'll make it out of this, stronger than before. Believe that He who began a good work in you will bring it to completion in the day of Jesus Christ.
Your heavenly Father is watching closely and though he tempers us in the flames, He never lets it destroy us. All this is so He, and those around us, can see His image in us.
Stay strong.
Lord, if even I can feel his pain, how much more do You feel it as well? I know You did not bring him to this just to watch him fall and I pray that You provide Your peace and comfort in his heart. You know the thoughts that the enemy is bringing into his head, Lord right now I pray that You remove those thoughts and reassure him of Your love for him.
He is in a very weak state now Lord, but You have said that in our weakest moments that's when we are the strongest. He is powerless now Lord and he can only rely on You to see him through and I know You won't fail Him.
--Xiang An at 10:35 PM
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Misery loves company.
It's sad to know someone around you is in an absolutely shitty situation.
Sucks even more when there's a part of you that is sigh with relief and saying "Wow, my situation ain't that bad."
I don't know what I can say. I can imagine how it must be like, I know I think about the similar situation happening to me at times. I guess it's not easy when old wounds start hurting again.
And what about when that wound involves relationships? Should we happy to see those we once had affections for move on and find true happiness, or sorrow that we weren't the ones standing beside them?
It is possibly one of the toughest questions in life to answer. There is never a single appropriate response to take. Perhaps the only consolation people like us have is that in letting go, in sacrificing our own desires, we allow others to be happy. Giving up our last dollar to bless the poor even while we are walking in the hot sun and want to buy a drink. Not holding someone back so they can find their destiny and happiness.
I guess this is what it means to bear our crosses as followers of Christ. That we willingly embrace death (to our desires, to our own selves) to give life unto others. This is what it means to be Christ-like.
Yet it is so hard to ignore that human nature within us that cries out at the pain we have to bear to do so.
At least we have assurance that our Father in heaven feels our pain, and it is His strength we can lean on.
And that we have people who even as our hearts bleed, are praying that He will come and provide us with that peace and strength, and heal the brokenness.
--Xiang An at 10:31 PM
Monday, October 19, 2009
Counter Attack
Just like the title says. After a weekend of breaks and reflection, this is the battleplan for the rest of my JC life. Not just academically, but in all aspects.
1. Cut down on computer gaming/TV.
Sadly, this is the number one reason why I've been procrastinating and not doing my work. This definitely has to stop if I am to allocate more time and energy to my studies and personal growth.
Sadly, this means I will have to give up my desire to get AC2 and COD6:MW2 with a new graphics card. It's painful to have to give up something you're looking forward to trying, but I know all too well if I get these things they will only serve as distractions. Unless I find a way to lock all this stuff up during the school week.
2. Self-discipline.
This includes several areas, namely not just dumping stuff all over the stupid room but actually keeping them somewhere I can find them, throwing away food packets immediately, etc. I can't expect my parents to be nagging at me to do all this all the time.
3. Actual studying.
Cut down on goofing around in the mentors' room, cut down on just slacking about at home, and actually go somewhere and study. If this means becoming a hermit and being outright anti-social, so be it. If this means I have to give up fellowship time with my friends, so be it.
4. Exercise.
Alright, I'm REALLY unfit. I have to start training. Even if it means waking at 3am just to jog before returning home to shower and have some rest before heading for school. I do NOT want to serve an extra 8 weeks in tekong. Don't even think about that... I can't expect to do saikang given my level physical fitness...
5. Quiet time
I tend to do my quiet time at night and on days where I'm really worn out, I throw God in the backseat and just go to sleep. My plan is to move quiet time into the morning before I go to school. This has several advantages a: I set the tone for the day, b: it serves as a reminder that I am living for Christ and to be a good testimony for the day.
6. Prayer
People would think this part of my plan would be optional, but it really isn't. I'm going to have to remember to pray not just for myself, but for others, even people I'm not close to. I tend to forget about the people around me who aren't that close to me, and this is a reminder for me to pray more for them.
It's a tall order, but after re-evaluating the way I've been living the past year, things have to change. It's going to be tough but with God's grace I'll pull through. If you guys are reading this, I'd appreciate it if you all keep me in your prayers as well. The road ahead is going to be tough, but I know I can lean on His strength to pull me through.
--Xiang An at 6:21 PM
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Rarrh.
An excerpt from Boundless - The Loser Christian
J.I. Packer reminds us that "we need to remember that any idea of getting beyond conflict, outward or inward, in our pursuit of holiness in this world is an escapist dream that can only have disillusioning and demoralizing effects on us as waking experience daily disproves it. What we must realize, rather, is that any real holiness in us will be under hostile fire all the time, just as our Lord was" (JI Packer, Keep In Step With the Spirit, page 111).
It is an "escapist dream" to believe that we will never fail. When we fall we must not remain down. That is where the devil wants us. He wants us defeated. He wants us to deny the power of the cross because it injures our pride. He wants us to believer we all are loser Christians, and ignore the victory of the cross.
Don't believe it.
We are all sinners. We all struggle against the flesh.
And we all need to run to the cross.
God delights in saving the losers. He delights in this because losers absolutely must give Him all the credit. Losers must rely exclusively on His power. We must respond with Paul, "Let him who boasts, boast in the Lord" (1 Corinthians 1:31).
We must join with the Corinthian believers' understanding that "godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret, whereas worldly grief produces death" (2 Corinthians 7:10).
We are victorious because of Christ, and Christ alone. Let us find our boast only in Christ, putting aside all self-pity and pride that takes snatches away the glory of the cross. Let us have a godly grief over sin that leads to salvation without regret.
God delights in saving losers like me. Losers who so desperately need His grace.
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Who cares if I retained? With God's grace I'll pull through, possibly even better than if I didn't.
--Xiang An at 3:07 PM
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Win or lose, I'll praise You.
Thank You, Celine, for posting this quote on your blog. Even if I won't be in the SFC leadership anymore, or I won't be in J2 with the 7 of you, it's good to know that at the very least you guys are here for me. (and I will hunt all of you down if you forget about me after you graduate! >=( )
Grant Taylor: I want God to bless this team so much people will talk about what He did. But it means we gotta give Him our best in every area. And if we win, we praise Him. And if we lose, we praise Him. Either way we honor Him with our actions and our attitudes. So I'm askin' you... What are you living for? I resolve to give God everything I've got, then I'll leave the results up to Him. I want to know if you'll join me."
A timely reminder.
Who cares if I have to retain a year? I'm not expelled. Who cares if I haven't been a good testimony for S08? I have a second chance next year for whatever class I'm in.
Ultimately, who am I living for? Results? Other people? Or am I living for Jesus?
Since I'm living for Him, I shouldn't let my own shortsightedness blind me to His plan for me. Perhaps this was all planned. Perhaps this extra year I stay back in SAJC will be used greatly for Him.
Perhaps, in some really childish part of my brain, I'm going to meet my future wife cause I retained (KIDDING! DO NOT TAKE ME SERIOUSLY.)
Yes, I'm alright. I'm still making lame jokes, aren't I?
But seriously, who cares if I retain? Cause ultimately, it's all about God's plan and timing for my life. It's not about the year I'm going to "lose" by retaining, it's about what I, or others, can gain in Christ by it, about how much more work God can do in SAJC through me by my staying back a year.
Heck, even if I leave SAJC without seeing any "miracles" performed through me, I'll still praise God.
I refuse to feel emo over this, because I refuse to be the person that falls and doesn't get back up. My ass may hurt right now, but I still have to go on. (THE ZOMBIES ARE CHASING AFTER ME!! xD)
--Xiang An at 9:01 PM
For when I am weak, then I am strong.
The power of prayer is amazing... mixed with a good night's sleep.
The words of those who love you the most always tend to sting the most as well, I guess. It's a sad fact but at least I know my parents believe that I can be so much more than what I'm doing. I know they believe I'm can perform better than 19 rank points. They're frustrated when I don't do justice to my potential.
It's time to stop being emo, it isn't time to put down my weapons yet. There's still another huge battle ahead, PW. I can't let this loss affect my future battles. Every time a warrior falls on the battlefield he has to get back up, because if he stays there he'll just be an open target for his enemies to end his life.
He must get back up and keep fighting, because his comrades haven't stopped fighting as well.
On another note, Jolene has a really interesting outlook on things. When I told her I got U's for my H2s and S for Econs, C for GP, her reaction was, "Oh! You got above average for GP!"
As stupid as it sounds, I need people with that cheerful outlook once in a while.
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On a different note, Laser Quest today was awesome. Although my first game was screwed up because my gun was disconnected... hence no score ):
The SFC vs Mentors game was epic... We decided to camp at the back of the maze, waiting for the mentors to come, but in the end Jolene rushed the mentors, and we followed suit...
Kelvin and I bumped into each other at the corner and we grabbed each others' guns and tried to "melee" each other xD Evan and Jolene just used their guns as melee weapons hahaha
Pearl screamed every time the mentors neared her.
Another epic moment was when Jem, Kelvin, Celine, Chris, Pearl and I mounted a push from the bottom floor. We rushed up the ramp to run into Andrea... Who had to fight off 6 people at the same time xD It's sad enough she had to endure jokes about us missing her *lasers flying over her head... hahaha* but she had to get owned so badly at that moment as well...
Oh well =P
--Xiang An at 6:07 PM
Friday, October 16, 2009
On the ledge.
The words “Fuck my life” have been echoing in my head the entire afternoon, but I refuse to say those words.
I refuse to believe 19 rank points is the best I can do. I refuse to believe that the situation is beyond salvation. I refuse to believe that there is nothing I can do about it.
Most of all, I refuse to let myself wallow in self-pity any longer.
It’s so much easier to say “I give up” and bow your head in defeat, it’s so much easier to withdraw into your own world and cut off all attempts to reach out to you. It’s so much easier to feel anger at the people who can promote, but want better grades. It’s so much easier to feel upset about how they don’t seem to care you’re not going to be with them.
It’s so much easier, but it’s so much more FOOLISH.
Who was the one slacking off at home with his guitar and computer games? If my results were bad, it was only because of my actions, or lack thereof.
Who was the one saying his future was in God’s hands but did nothing to claim that promise?
Who was the one who kept wondering how he could ‘save’ his classmates when he himself was the one who needed saving?
Who was the one who was drowning, but did not reach for the life vest thrown to him?
I did this to myself, and I can choose to admit defeat or come back with a vengeance. It’s so much easier to do the former, but I refuse. I will fight and do whatever it takes to improve my results. There is no way I’m going to let this get me down any longer.
Who cares if seemingly no one else in class bothered to ask me how I was doing? My family in SFC did. I don’t need 24 people to come and treat me like a cancer patient when I have 7 (okay, well, right now it’s 2) other people who truly care for me and are there to support me in person and in prayer.
Who cares if my world seems to be falling? I have Jesus watching over me. That line from Jesus, Love of my Soul – “Though my world may fall I’ll never let You go.” Am I going to let stupid results blind me to Jesus’ work in my life, to stop me from drawing on His strength?
Duh, no.
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Those were my words 3 hours ago. Those aren't my words now. I am completely and utterly broken down... The young man who had assurance in Christ has now been battered and broken down into a small boy alone on the edge of his world.
The picture above completely describes how I feel - as if my world is collapsing around me. I hate myself. Why is it that I bring nothing but hurt to those around me?
I retreated to my room the moment I got home. I dumped my bag at the door and just went into my room and locked the door. My uniform was thrown on the floor and I just couldn't care less. I was dead tired of screwing up.
Then, my parents came back and scolded me for the mess. I scolded myself and my facial expression showed it. My mom just scolded me. I did... absolutely nothing. I didn't move. My head was on one hand, I was staring blankly and in my mind I was going, "Yup, yup, true, oh wait, did I mention I'm going to have to retain?"
She just got pissed and went all out. Why did I make my grandmother bend down to pick my bag? Why did I leave a mess for my parents to clean up, why is it that I'm so selfish...
And I just broke down completely. I cried for the first time in years. She was right. I'm useless.
Fuck, how can I be in SFC and say I want to serve God when I can't even get the simple stuff I need to do at home right? Poor grades didn't give me the right to just ignore the rest of the world. No, if I said I was going to war for Christ, I was not allowed to be selfish. Yet I am. I'm a hypocrite, and the worst kind.
It doesn't help to hear your own mother tell you that in her whole life no one else in the family has broken her heart more than you did...
Why did I even think God would help me in this time? Obviously He thinks I don't deserve any consolation at all. I'm just another idiot who got too proud and selfish and needs to be humbled.
I'm sorry, but this time, I might not be able to pick myself up from this fall...
I'm standing on the ledge of my world, and the temptation to jump is just so tempting. Jump before my world collapses from beneath my feet.
I'm tired. No, I'm exhausted, fatigued, drained in all aspects, physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. I'm no Jedi Master, I'm not even a Padawan. I'm not the hero of this movie, I'm just a frightened little boy, caught between my own demons and the darkness around me.
I'm just a scared little boy with no strength to fight back.
--Xiang An at 9:21 PM
Thursday, October 15, 2009
No matter what tomorrow brings, I will praise Your name
Tomorrow, we'll be getting back our promo results. Tomorrow, I'll find out whether my last minute preparations were truly enough to see me through, or if I'll have to retain.
I guess you could say there's a sense of apprehension? I really don't want to retain, and I don't want my parents and everyone who has faith in my academic ability to be disappointed. Yet, there's this assurance in me that whatever results happen, whatever happens, it's all part of God's plan for me. He has promised to never leave nor forsake me, and that He will prosper me and not harm me.
Whether I retain or not, or no matter what grades I've gotten, I'll still choose to praise His name and thank Him for my results.
Sure, I admit it'll be tough, especially if I have to retain and bring the news to my parents. But come what may, thanks be to God. Even if I don't promote to J2, it would not have been a fruitless year.
And on the bright side, I get to serve God in SAJC for 1 more year. No matter what happens, all praise goes to You, Lord.
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"Ready to give up yet? Those people are not worth your life." The hollow taunted.
The shinigami panted. It was a tough fight, and he had done all he could. Was this all the strength he had? Was he to give up so easily?
He felt a flow of power from within him. A voice sounded in his heart. Don't give up, never stop fighting. Your strength will be renewed. The voice of his zanpaktou.
He was reminded of his commitment as a shinigami. Was he not once zealous about his calling and so enthusiastic about wanting to save those who could not save themselves? Did he not once vowed that he would go to the ends of the earths for his beliefs? What had happened to that passion? Was he to let it all go just because he was facing a tough opponent at this moment? Absolutely not. He thought to himself.
It only seemed natural what to do next. Lifting up his blade towards the hollow once again, he chanted, "Bankai." New strength filled him, and this time he was determined to see the fight to the bitter end.
-----
I guess today is a really meaningful day! I never realised how impactful the SJI handbook was until I dug it out today and read through the prayers/quotes in the hadnbook. The prayers are on Facebook, so I'm just sharing the quotes here:
"If God can make everything out of nothing, He can surely make something out of me." - Mother Teresa
"Rest assured that, provided you are willing, you can do more by the grace of God than you can imagine." - St La Salle
"No man can do properly what He is called to do in this life unless he can learn to forget his ego and act as an instrument of God." W H Auden
"Is it not shameful that after our Lord desired your salvation so ardently, and still wishes for it so earnestly, you should correspond so feebly to His love?" - St La Salle.
"Perform all your actions as well as you know how, without being worried how well they 'might' have been performed." - St La Salle
--Xiang An at 8:30 PM
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Is it better to walk away?
"Why are you fighting for them? They don't even care about you!" The hollow said to the shinigami. "They couldn't care less if you died, even if you died protecting them."
"It doesn't matter, they're still worth it." The shinigami replied, blood running down his robes. The fight had been tough and taken a toll on him, both physically and mentally, and now the hollow was trying to wear him down with words, trying to demoralise him so that the finishing blow would be complete.
"Look at them! You fight so hard, yet they refuse to let you rest! You've taken such a beating, yet they refuse to let you tend to your wounds! You don't have the luxury of being weak for a moment, or even making a mistake to them. They won't ask why you do what you do, they just want you to die!"
"This path I've taken was not a choice they made for me, but a choice I made for myself." The shinigami's words were slowly losing effect on himself. The hollow's words were tempting, and some part of him desired to walk away from the fight and let the hollow do as he wished with the people he called his comrades.
"You could just walk away, take your rest; it's not like they care, they never cared! Never there to thank you when you help them, never there to give you that pat on the back when you do something right; yet they are the first to judge you, the first to point their fingers and call you weak. Why do you fight for these people?"
The shinigami felt his resolve to resist weaken. Swaying words... Yet his hand gripped his blade even harder. He got back on his feet and held his blade in both hands. This was it. The final stand. If he could not stop the hollow's next attack, he may not be able to stop it ever.
Words began to form in his mouth. "I fight for them, because they won't fight for themselves, and I can't bear to watch them fall." With a scream he charged the hollow.
Knowing that full well he may not be able to withstand the next blow.
Even as he swung his blade, a nagging thought rang at the back of his mind. "Would it be better if I walked away?"
-----
Last Saturday, as the Outing Organising Committee meeting was nearing its end, I was suddenly reminded of the fact that Angie attends the saturday service in the evening. A part of me went, "Crap! Service is ending and I'm still here!"
The moment the meeting ended, I rushed out of church, eager to avoid bumping into her. Let's just say I wouldn't know how I'd react or feel if I ran into her again.
Then, reading Celine's blog, God showed me a new light on this situation.
"They grow big-thorned briars to protect the tops of garden walls," she remarked. "This one must have loved you, to leave so deep a scar."
Why was I feeling awkward or upset about the break up? It was the greatest act of love she could ever do for me in our entire relationship - ending it because we were going down the path of sin and because she knew we were too immature to actually be in love.
Ironic, huh? That both of us recognised it was just a crush but this was the amazing act of love she did for me. Yes, it hurt, but I guess if I ran into her I'd have to thank her cause that hurt has made me stronger and (maybe) a little wiser when it comes to relationships.
I've come to think of it this way - if I never met her, never went through that period in my life, would I still be warning myself against the dangers of lust, of letting emotions rule over righteousness? Probably not, I'd probably still be trying to flirt around and still treat all the notion of a girlfriend as just a plaything, not someone you're considering spending the rest of your life with.
Sounds dumb, but I'm thankful for the experience really. Sucked to be in it then, but at least I'm a little smarter about these things now.
--Xiang An at 7:59 PM
For you, my friend.
In the short term, it would make me happy to go play outside.
In the long term, it would make me happier to do well at school and become successful.
But in the very long term, I know which will make better memories.
-Calvin
My friend, perhaps it's time you let go and let loose a little, instead of clinging so hard to your studies. Take a break once in a while.
Life's too short to waste on temporal things, or on things that add to your misery. Treasure each moment, each breath and each experience as if it were your last, cherish the people around you, and the memories you share together.
Cause, when you're 60 and retired, are you going to remember how hard you worked for that PW grade? Or how happy you were sharing laughs with your friends? Will you remember all the times studying in the library, or the times you spent in there laughing with your friends?
Are we going to remember the lectures and tutorials we did endless, or the stupid laughs we had, the stupid crap we did in our classes?
Sometimes, it's best to just leave homework for later, and seize the moment to LIVE.
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Since I mentioned PW... This C&H comic strangely reminded me of PW... Changing your approach to tackle a problem. Heh.
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Calvin and Hobbes is a strangely philosophical comic despite it's entertainment value. Guess it just goes to show you can have fun and ponder life at the same time.
--Xiang An at 3:13 AM
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Big effing SIGH.
"Being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will be faithful and complete it in the day of Christ Jesus"
I want to believe in this. I don't want to see the hurt that those around me feel and that I can do nothing about it. Maybe if I always felt this humble and lousy, I wouldn't have to keep doing stupid crap that blows up in my face.
"Listen to advice and accept instruction, and in the end you will be wise. Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails."
Lord, it is Your purpose that prevails. Surely You have a plan to fix all this, You have control over things that I don't. There is nothing I can do but pray and commit this unto Your hands.
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On a separate note, ridiculous things are getting to me for no reason. I don't want to be so emo or irritable. I want to stop feeling crappy and just be cheerful for once.
GRAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I hate you mom (not literally), don't make stupid comments about me and any supposed "girlfriends" I might have! GRAAAAH stop making me paranoid T.T
--Xiang An at 5:51 PM
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Helplessness
I give up, Abba Father. I am powerless to do anything about this situation, no matter how much I wish I could say something that would improve the situation. I am imperfect, I have no persuasiveness to quell the conflict. Right now I can only pray to You and hope You can work in their hearts.
It sucks to see friends at loggerheads with each other. It's even worse when neither of them will suck up their pride/self-righteousness and just go to the other party and talk things out. Surely we can all at least make the effort to act like adults.
I'm not condemning anyone here, but shouldn't this be what we're all aiming for? To speak with each other as peers and equals and not let our anger blind us to what is right?
Sucks even more when a fellow Christian is involved. Aren't we as Christians called to be humble and "love our neighbour as ourselves", bless those who offend us or piss us off? Aren't we, as God's people, supposed to take the first step and make a peace offering even if we feel as if we're not at fault?
I don't like hearing arguments about how Christians are "not in SFC", because honestly, I think that means nuts to God. Are only SFC members supposed to act Christian, are SFC members the only people who are supposed to be righteous before God? Definitely not! Every Christian in the college, student or teacher, SFC or not, across all denominations and in spite of all our different churches we attend, we are all measured by God's standard.
Not our own standard. I admit that SFC members may come under heavier scrutiny by those around us, but in the eyes of God, shouldn't EVERY CHRISTIAN be doing the same?
I have no idea how some Christians in the college feel about this, but I believe that as long as we call ourselves Christians we should do our best to honour God's word and what He expects of us as His children and His testimonies. It's not just a job for those who join SFC, but for each and every believer.
So why can't we all start acting more like this?
I don't have the answers, and perhaps I never will. I myself have a lot of things in my own character and relations with those around me that I need to work on, but is it right that only SFC members are conscious of the fact that their actions are seen as God's character to the world? The label of SFC may give more influence, sure, but shouldn't every Christian be doing the same?
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Romans 12:1-3
Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.
For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you.
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To me, I get this image that someone looking from the outside sees a handful, say 60 Christians living their lives righteous before God and the rest are being no different, and I wonder, do these people think that so many Christians are not living by the very things being preached in chapel, hence the bible, Christianity and God's word hold no weight?
I hope not, and I really hope there can be a change of heart within each Christian in college.
But like I learned last Sunday, before all this can happen I must first set things right in my heart.
So Abba Father, I'm coming to you, broken, desperate and helpless. I played a part in inciting this situation, and I don't see how anything I do might help except by commiting this unto Your hands in prayer.
For the people I mentioned at the start of this post, I sincerely hope things get better between you two. I might not be able to do much but know that my prayers are with you.
God bless.
--Xiang An at 12:03 AM
Thursday, October 08, 2009
PW PW PW
Hey people, I would appreciate it if you could help out my group by filling out a simple survey =P Thanks much.
Singapore 1960s music survey
--Xiang An at 11:52 AM
Wednesday, October 07, 2009
Laughs
Hey girl, I think you're really pretty
I like your long black hair
so would you slap me
if i said I dreamt about you in your underwear?
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:P
Today I just have random smilies in my head. I feel like a :) or a :D
Or maybe a x)
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Our song is the slamming screen door
Sneakin' out late, tapping on your window
When we're on the phone and you talk real slow
'Cause it's late and your mama don't know
Our song is the way you laugh
The first date man, I didn't kiss her and I should have
And when I got home, 'fore I said amen
Asking God if He could play it again
--Xiang An at 9:17 PM
Tuesday, October 06, 2009
Misunderstandings and Pride
Misunderstandings are inevitable in our lives. Whatever we say or do may and will be interpreted wrongly by people, even if we had the best of intentions or did not mean it the way they took it.
The crux of this issue how we respond to it. Do we let our self-righteousness take over and insist on us not being in the wrong? Or do we humble ourselves and keep quiet, and talk it out nicely to iron out these misunderstandings.
It's something I'm struggling with I guess. To stop letting my pride yell out responses when people say things about me that are untrue, or mistook my words.
Then again, how do we know when to speak out and when to keep quiet about it? Where do we draw the line between closing an eye and reproaching/explaining to the other party?
It's not an easy distinction to make, at least not for me.
This entire contemplation stemmed from a single comment in PW today. Someone commented on my breathing sounds making it seem like I was doing it on purpose. Part of me felt like that person was being nitpick-ish about quirks that I have no control over and wanted to react defensively.
Then I told someone else in class who was a good friend of theirs about it and it sounded like I was accusing them of it, cause I wrongly thought it was something that all of them were bothered about.
Misunderstandings in misunderstandings. The world works like a joke sometimes.
Cleared up misunderstanding 2, but what about the inciting the incident? I'm still wondering whether to say anything about it or not. Perhaps if it's brought up again? Or maybe I should just keep quiet. I don't know. I don't want to make a big deal out of it, yet at the same time I don't want others to mistake a genetic trait as an intentional action.
Discernment to tell the difference is something I need to pray about. I guess right now I should just take things in my stride instead of being so sensitive about certain harmless things.
This is what happens when I have too much free time on my hands. I dissect situations and things way too much. Sometimes I analyse things to the point where it can be considered paranoia.
Perhaps it's best if I just stuck to my "silence is golden" policy for now.
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On another note, I have to begin watching what I say a bit more carefully. I realise lately in my interactions I'm beginning to make comments that are bordering on attention seeking.
I admit I'm a joker, yet at times it seems as if I'm not cracking jokes for the laughs but for the attention. Like a magician who performs to satisfy his own ego rather than because he wants to leave people wondering with his magic tricks.
I'm glad that at times my being a joker helps people forget their problems in laughter for a moment, yet am I doing this to bring laughs to the lives or my friends or am I doing this to fulfil a selfish need to have people notice me?
It's a constant struggle to remind myself that I don't need to do things for anyone to notice or for anyone to praise me on; God sees everything I do and knows why I do them. God should be sole audience that I live my life for, not people. I don't need to be thanked or praised when I do something good.
Cause at the end of it all, what is more important, that the people around me tell me that I'm a great guy, a good friend, or to stand before the King of kings and hear Him say, "Well done, good and faithful servant"?
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--Xiang An at 10:20 PM
Sunday, October 04, 2009
Surprises Sunday
Like my post suggests, today was a day full of surprises and lessons.
PTF - 2 Chronicles 7:14
Brother Andrew shared with us this verse and reminded all of us that revival comes first from the heart - our hearts. We first have to pray and seek God and set our own walks with Him right before we can start impacting lives and seeing our numbers grow.
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Cell -
Really interesting, we just got together and shared about how God has spoken to us in the past week and what are some areas we need a breakthrough in, and also, reminding us about how God calls us to be more than what we are and step out of our comfort zone.
There was this really interesting article, about how God being omnipotent, could choose to do all things Himself, instead of working through man, as we are all flawed and make mistakes. Think about it - God could just part the clouds, poke His face through them and tell the whole world, "Hi humanity. I am God. Believe in Me now, or I will kill you."
He could also use His angels instead. Humans make mistakes, humans are flawed, we fall short, we are inconsisten and at times what we do contradicts what we say, yet Jesus told us to "go forth and make disciples of all the Earth." And it's referred to as the Great Commission, not the great suggestion.
So this was the question posed - would we as Christians be willing to reach out to the people that no one else cares about? The most annoying guy in class, the girl everyone hates. Whoever they are, are we willing to bear that burden and love them when no one else will, even when it costs us our reputation or popularity?
I guess it's a question each Christian has to answer in our own time, and I pray for strength to do the same.
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Service -
Really cool. Brother Ka Fei talked to us about God's love and how at times we reject it because we close our hearts to Jesus. He used Judas and Zaccheus as examples. Judas, who spent so much time at Jesus' side and yet closed his heart to Him and betrayed him. Zaccheus, who never heard of Jesus before, but wanted to know Him more and repented of all his sins.
Brother Ka Fei also shared something really cool that I believe everyone should be reminded of: "When we reject ourselves, we are rejecting God's love." He told us to stop feeling lousy about ourselves, whatever situation we are in and just trust God.
Words that are simple to say, but harder to do. Yet sometimes it just takes a simple line of "Lord, I commit this unto Your hands" and letting Him work. I guess it's the waiting that causes people to doubt. God answers prayers in His own time, and sometimes perhaps not as soon as we hope. At those times, will we still keep praying and say "Lord, I trust that You will answer my prayers at the right time." or will we keep asking, "Lord, why aren't you answering?"
Brother Nicholas brought up a very important point as well - do we have an expectancy of God or expectations of Him? Expectancy is when we trust that God will come to our aid at His own time and we wait for Him to move while continually going to Him in prayer. Expectations is desiring God to go by our schedules and do things for us immediately. I guess I don't have to explain that expectancy is what we should be aiming for, not expectation.
Ephesians 1:4-5
For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us to be adopted as his sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will
For all of you out there who are feeling like you've got nothing to contribute - God has CHOSEN you for a purpose, to meet a need in this world. He loves you and I guess Psalms 139 says it all - each of us were "fearfully and wonderfully made" by God even before we were conceived. There is a God out there who is watching over you and loves you no matter what you've done.
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Service Learning -
Larissa organised another Service Learning for the class today. Once again we went down to help out Lester's church with blessing the Chinese Construction Workers. It was kind of slack actually, just served dinner and sat in for the Mid-Autumn Festival programme/service they had.
God really showed me a new side to some of my classmates today. I definitely would not known Larissa to be so passionate about God until today when I heard some of things she said. (I have a feeling she might know the bible better than I do right now.)
And also, the awesome spirit of community that the CCWs have. They walk up on stage for stage games, wish the whole congregation a happy Mid-Autumn Festival during their self-introduction, they cheer for each other enthusiastically. I seriously have not seen such unity, not in my juniors in scouts, not anywhere (maybe except possibly in IGNYTE, even then we don't cheer for people we're not familiar with that much.)Right there and then I felt as if they didn't deserve to be looked down on by society.
They do us a great service by building our infrastructure, something no other Singaporean seems to want to do, yet nobody bothers to thank them. I'm glad at least one church has decided to reach out and bless them, and I'm glad I could be a part of it tonight.
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On another note, if you guys have been reading the news this past week, you would have heard of the earthquakes, the tsunamis and typhoons that have hit our neighbouring countries.
Brothers and sisters, I ask that you keep these countries in your prayer. They need God's protection over them now, and His strength and peace to be upon them as they try to rebuild their lives and mourn their loved ones. Also that help will be sent to them quickly so the situation can be alleviated as soon as possible.
While we may not be able to physically be there to help them, the least we could do is keep them in prayer. Prayer moves! =)
--Xiang An at 10:25 PM
Friday, October 02, 2009
Randomness
Don't listen too close
Let's turn our backs on the world
And stare into each other's eyes
Get lost in this dream and never wake up
I can't win any games at the amusement park
But I feel like a champion just for winning your heart
I'm a poor kid who can't buy you diamond rings
Is it ok if I gave you my heart on a string?
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LAN today was fun although only 5 of us came and I kept getting owned. None of the girls came but dammit we won't stop trying! Heh, I guess more effort has to be made to really include the class in outings. Admittedly not many girls will find LAN interesting but no harm asking them along when we're going to play, right?
I tried playing Call of Duty 4 during LAN and man, I now know why Chris likes the game.
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Things have been feeling strangely detached for some reason. I don't really feel the sense of joy and passion when I'm playing my guitar or practising my magic tricks anymore. Could it exhaustion from promos? Quite possibly. I feel super high and cheerful while listening to music but sadly playing it myself is just the opposite. I guess it's partly due to my lack of practice for a long time and also cause I'm just a novice at guitar playing. I just have to suck it up and get back to the rhythm of constant practice everyday.
I still haven't forgotten my goal with the guitar: to be able to lead worship solo. Or maybe not solo, But okay the guitar definitely. Wouldn't want others to go deaf cause of my horrible singing xD
Argh and I have to watch my spending more carefully and learn to be patient about buying things that I don't really need. I'm woefully weak when it comes to this, and also to my buying of unhealthy food like mac's so many times a week.
Rawr. Next time you guys see me or hear about me going off to buy something stupid or unimportant please remind me to keep my spending in check :) God knows I suck at reminding myself.
God bless you guys! (and this is directed at girls too :D)
--Xiang An at 11:14 PM
Breaking stereotypes
The experiment: will girls play LAN if invited?
Leslie asked me to organize the LAN outing for tomorrow, asking me to demonstrate my leadership skills. Which is kind of ironic cause I doubt anyone in class sees me as a leader. But hey, there's always chances to step up, and I thought, why not ask the girls too?
Hopefully the girls will turn up. LAN outings don't always need to be an all guys thing! I know at least 2 girls who play L4D (ironically, one of them is named Zoey) and I think they're proof enough that girls can play LAN too.
Next up, the experiment shall be done with SFC girls. There're 8 of us so it's just enough for L4D versus xD
There are girls who take part in airsoft skirmishes on regular basis! I don't see why activities should be gender dominated.
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On another note, I'm in a happy sappy mushy random love/crush songs mood lately. Funny thing is I'm not exactly crushing on any girl specifically, I'm just in that mood for some reason. Perhaps my exam period suppressed quite a few random thoughts and they're manifesting themselves now.
Just last night I dreamt about being late for lecture and I was rushing to tha CC from my house. And the CC was at greenridge shopping centre across the road. Then I bumped into my primary school teacher and walked into a barber shop.
Weird dreams ftw.
Tomorrow is boring talks day :( and Sexuality talk after chapel? Then the career talks? Sheesh what is our school admin doing. They certainly know how to bore us to death. Chapel is possibly the only highlight of the day.
I wanna pon tomorrow and just go LAN, but meh, might as well go to school. Not like I have anything better to do at home anyway. Xiang An has no life :(
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And Greg Pitchard from Britain's got talent is an awesome singer. You guys should check him out. He's a countertenor, which means he is man with a naturally high vocal range. I'm not talking about normal singing high, I'm talking about soprano high, as in opera singing high. That's just crazy cool.
--Xiang An at 12:19 AM
Thursday, October 01, 2009
Love of Christ
I went to sleep with a heavy thought last night. The realization that I don't have the luxury of showing weighed heavily on my mind. I guess I've always subconsciously known that being in SFC meant I would be placed under heavy scrutiny. Yet last night the full weight of things dawned on me.
Why is it especially me that took criticism for being tired and dropping dead in class? Just cause I'm in SFC? To those around it's like I love God so much it's my CCA, so they're looking at me to see God's character. So why does this mean I don't have the muxury of being tired, of being flawed?
It all boils down to people seeing Christians as perfect. Hence I can only show those around me that being a Christian or being in SFC has nothing to do with being superior or perfect. In fact I believe it should show just the opposite.
The only reason for my being in SFC was because I admit that I am a screwed up person, yet I have a God who loves me in spite of my flaws and weaknesses. Which is why I want to serve Him in whatever way I can, even in school.
Then someone threw the curveball at me: so why was I so cynical and only able to see the flaws, not the good? Doesn't that contradict with what the whole idea of unconditional love? That you only bother to see flaws but not strengths?
I guess it's true, that I have been overly critical of people on the past. Yet I hardly consider the positive side to things. Perhaps I have been treating the criticisms of my peers towards me in the wrong light. It still takes effort to remind myself that people are inherently good and to treat their criticisms as an act of concern for me.
After all, who bothers to criticize someone they don't care about?
And have I been criticizing but not loving my friends in spite of their flaws? I took a long deep look at my past actions and yes, my actions may seem that way. My thoughts certainly do, but at the same time I know each of my friends have strengths to them as well, and it's funny how I know they aren't bad people, but I treat them that way at times.
I can only pray about this and make the effort to correct the way the I act around my peers, and really love them like Christ did. Perhaps just helping them out when they're in need isn't enough, and I can definitely do more than just be there when they're in need.
I have to make the effort and kill my cynicism. It'll be tough trying to undo all the wrong impressions I've given my friends but I hope there's still a chance to improve things.
After all, there are such things as second chances, right?
--Xiang An at 4:34 PM
Puzzle of my heart.
I actually did this video myself. I should stop wasting my time on such stupid things.
Sigh, why the shit am I getting emo over this again.
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On another note, I'm glad I got a chance to resolve the issue. I just hope the same can be done for the other half of the equation. We shouldn't be letting these stupid things get in the way of our friendships. There is no condemnation on Christ right?
I just hope we can all learn totalk things through like adults. It's funny how we keep trying to solve the situation but our actions end making the situation worse. I guess this is an example of market failure due to incomplete knowledge. Hahaha.
--Xiang An at 10:37 PM
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Zombification
I'm totally dying from lack of sleep... Been reaching home at 10-11 plus due to SFC related events, plus working on OP/WR the past week. It's been so tempting to just take a day to pon school and just get my lost hours of sleep back.
But I won't give in! RARR. Sigh. Been eating mac's for the past 5 days too. Crap, I'm going to be 100kg by the end of next week I swear. Grr. Time to start exercising. Oh and if you guys do eat mac's,if you get the Toa Payoh game piece please give it to me! =P
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It's a vicious cycle of annoyance lately. A just seems to annoy B no matter what A does, and B annoys me with the "self-indulgent" behaviour. Maybe the lack of sleep is just making me too irritable. Oh well. Hopefully I won't feel this way after I'm better rested.
Yet, it's hard to be nice when people keep making noise about wanting to go to a certain place to eat and when the group turns them down, they go home instead. It's not like it's their obligation to go for dinner, but isn't it a tad childish to do something like that?
Maybe I'm being too sensitive. Once again, lack of sleep makes me very irritable.
Sigh, good thing is PW will be over in 2 weeks' time, and back to a (more) stress-free life.
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I'm supposed to be ushering for chapel tomorrow cause we have communion. I didn't even know we do that for chapel. Interesting.
--Xiang An at 10:14 PM
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
A fine line
How does one distinguish the line between being a joker and becoming a guy who's flirting with the girl you're joking around with?
Just a thought.
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Walls are there for a reason. God puts barriers between what we want and where we are because it's all a road of preparation. With each barrier we overcome we re-evaluate how much we want to attain our objectives. With each barrier we feel a greater strength within us as we get closer to the goal and know that we have come this far because we have overcome the trials and that God is guiding and helping us along the way, and that our efforts and trust in Him have paid off.
Sometimes He places insurmountable barriers because we just aren't ready. These are the barriers that can only be overcome by submitting to His authority and turning away. These are the barriers that give us the most pain.
I still have to try hard to remember that when God stops me from reaching a goal or accomplishing something, it's not because He wishes to see me defeated, He just wants me to know I'm not ready yet, or what I seek will only harm me.
With this in mind, how can I possibly feel upset about walls that I can't knock down? They're there to stop me from destruction, they're there because there's Someone who loves me enough to stop me from going down that path even if it'll be painful for me. A heavenly Father who, despite forcing us to make the painful choices to give up the things that will destroy us, feels the same pain we feel inside as we are being moulded into His image.
I lay it all down.
--Xiang An at 9:28 PM
Friday, October 23, 2009
Hands or tonsils?
Plugging into the Church
Interesting article from boundless (Yes, Celine, you can stop gloating now.)
Am I just the saikang warrior of SFC? A prayer warrior in church? Or is God calling me somewhere more but I'm just not taking the first step?
Lately I've been question my role in church, and in SFC. I'm not saying I want to be the guy that everyone sees and goes, "Oh, dude, that's the guy that always helps out in chapel." or whatever.
I wonder if there are things I could be doing better, things that I've been neglecting. The answer is that there always is, I guess. I can't be keeping track of everything around me, I don't have all-seeing eyes, neither am I omnipresent. I guess I just have to do my best each day and watch out for areas I can improve.
I was surprised at how many people came up to me and gave me a pat on the back for leading MW this morning. I was almost sure I was going to choke. And I almost did. I sang for 20 minutes with phlegm in my throat (I hate you, sinus.)
But there was just a voice in my head going, "Forget the phlegm, worship!"
Ironically, Larissa, Sarah and Pris showed up at MW. Ultimate shock of my life. Figures the one day I didn't try to get my class to come down that God would move and one up my efforts. There was almost this comical moment where I looked up to the sky and said, "Oh, You're good."
Perhaps that's all there is to it, to just stop wondering, trusting in God and taking that first step, making the effort to be more involved in serving rather than wait for the opportunities to come by. Have faith that God multiplies our efforts.
The lightsaber won't come till I pull it back with the Force =P
Sorry, star wars has been on my mind way too much recently.
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It's our relationship with the Father — not what we're waiting for — that should be our ultimate goal. Waiting on Him has the effect of strengthening not only our character, but also our relationship with Him. That's where waiting is redemptive.
In 2 Peter 1:5-8, Peter says,
But also for this very reason, giving all diligence, add to your faith virtue, to virtue knowledge, to knowledge self-control, to self-control perseverance, to perseverance godliness, to godliness brotherly kindness, and to brotherly kindness love. For if these things are yours and abound, you will be neither barren nor unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ (NKJV).
In the KJV, that word perseverance is patience. Thankfully we don't have to conjure up that patience on our own. It's a fruit of the Holy Spirit. Cultivating your relationship with God will make it possible for you to trust Him for a husband and wait for marriage without going crazy. And the patience we're called to isn't passive, but expectant:
In the morning, O LORD, you hear my voice;
in the morning I lay my requests before you
and wait in expectation (Psalm 5:3).
In our waiting, we can trust that God is good.
"The LORD is my portion," says my soul,
"Therefore I hope in Him!"
The LORD is good to those who wait for Him,
To the soul who seeks Him.
It is good that one should hope and wait quietly
For the salvation of the LORD (Lamentations 3:24-26).
And it's for His goodness, that we can be thankful, even in the midst of difficult circumstances. We're commanded to it actually,
Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus (Philippians 4:4-7).
As we rejoice — not in unexpected or unwelcome circumstances, but in the Lord — we'll be in the frame of mind to guard our thoughts; to resist the temptation to grow bitter or envious when it appears that everyone else is getting what we want.
How true. (Okay, in context, this article is about women waiting for the one guy they'll marry... but still.)
--Xiang An at 11:32 PM
Thursday, October 22, 2009
You are amazing God.
--Xiang An at 7:52 PM
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Hang in there.
You've fought the battle and kept it together for one day, don't lose heart. You'll make it out of this, stronger than before. Believe that He who began a good work in you will bring it to completion in the day of Jesus Christ.
Your heavenly Father is watching closely and though he tempers us in the flames, He never lets it destroy us. All this is so He, and those around us, can see His image in us.
Stay strong.
Lord, if even I can feel his pain, how much more do You feel it as well? I know You did not bring him to this just to watch him fall and I pray that You provide Your peace and comfort in his heart. You know the thoughts that the enemy is bringing into his head, Lord right now I pray that You remove those thoughts and reassure him of Your love for him.
He is in a very weak state now Lord, but You have said that in our weakest moments that's when we are the strongest. He is powerless now Lord and he can only rely on You to see him through and I know You won't fail Him.
--Xiang An at 10:35 PM
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Misery loves company.
It's sad to know someone around you is in an absolutely shitty situation.
Sucks even more when there's a part of you that is sigh with relief and saying "Wow, my situation ain't that bad."
I don't know what I can say. I can imagine how it must be like, I know I think about the similar situation happening to me at times. I guess it's not easy when old wounds start hurting again.
And what about when that wound involves relationships? Should we happy to see those we once had affections for move on and find true happiness, or sorrow that we weren't the ones standing beside them?
It is possibly one of the toughest questions in life to answer. There is never a single appropriate response to take. Perhaps the only consolation people like us have is that in letting go, in sacrificing our own desires, we allow others to be happy. Giving up our last dollar to bless the poor even while we are walking in the hot sun and want to buy a drink. Not holding someone back so they can find their destiny and happiness.
I guess this is what it means to bear our crosses as followers of Christ. That we willingly embrace death (to our desires, to our own selves) to give life unto others. This is what it means to be Christ-like.
Yet it is so hard to ignore that human nature within us that cries out at the pain we have to bear to do so.
At least we have assurance that our Father in heaven feels our pain, and it is His strength we can lean on.
And that we have people who even as our hearts bleed, are praying that He will come and provide us with that peace and strength, and heal the brokenness.
--Xiang An at 10:31 PM
Monday, October 19, 2009
Counter Attack
Just like the title says. After a weekend of breaks and reflection, this is the battleplan for the rest of my JC life. Not just academically, but in all aspects.
1. Cut down on computer gaming/TV.
Sadly, this is the number one reason why I've been procrastinating and not doing my work. This definitely has to stop if I am to allocate more time and energy to my studies and personal growth.
Sadly, this means I will have to give up my desire to get AC2 and COD6:MW2 with a new graphics card. It's painful to have to give up something you're looking forward to trying, but I know all too well if I get these things they will only serve as distractions. Unless I find a way to lock all this stuff up during the school week.
2. Self-discipline.
This includes several areas, namely not just dumping stuff all over the stupid room but actually keeping them somewhere I can find them, throwing away food packets immediately, etc. I can't expect my parents to be nagging at me to do all this all the time.
3. Actual studying.
Cut down on goofing around in the mentors' room, cut down on just slacking about at home, and actually go somewhere and study. If this means becoming a hermit and being outright anti-social, so be it. If this means I have to give up fellowship time with my friends, so be it.
4. Exercise.
Alright, I'm REALLY unfit. I have to start training. Even if it means waking at 3am just to jog before returning home to shower and have some rest before heading for school. I do NOT want to serve an extra 8 weeks in tekong. Don't even think about that... I can't expect to do saikang given my level physical fitness...
5. Quiet time
I tend to do my quiet time at night and on days where I'm really worn out, I throw God in the backseat and just go to sleep. My plan is to move quiet time into the morning before I go to school. This has several advantages a: I set the tone for the day, b: it serves as a reminder that I am living for Christ and to be a good testimony for the day.
6. Prayer
People would think this part of my plan would be optional, but it really isn't. I'm going to have to remember to pray not just for myself, but for others, even people I'm not close to. I tend to forget about the people around me who aren't that close to me, and this is a reminder for me to pray more for them.
It's a tall order, but after re-evaluating the way I've been living the past year, things have to change. It's going to be tough but with God's grace I'll pull through. If you guys are reading this, I'd appreciate it if you all keep me in your prayers as well. The road ahead is going to be tough, but I know I can lean on His strength to pull me through.
--Xiang An at 6:21 PM
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Rarrh.
An excerpt from Boundless - The Loser Christian
J.I. Packer reminds us that "we need to remember that any idea of getting beyond conflict, outward or inward, in our pursuit of holiness in this world is an escapist dream that can only have disillusioning and demoralizing effects on us as waking experience daily disproves it. What we must realize, rather, is that any real holiness in us will be under hostile fire all the time, just as our Lord was" (JI Packer, Keep In Step With the Spirit, page 111).
It is an "escapist dream" to believe that we will never fail. When we fall we must not remain down. That is where the devil wants us. He wants us defeated. He wants us to deny the power of the cross because it injures our pride. He wants us to believer we all are loser Christians, and ignore the victory of the cross.
Don't believe it.
We are all sinners. We all struggle against the flesh.
And we all need to run to the cross.
God delights in saving the losers. He delights in this because losers absolutely must give Him all the credit. Losers must rely exclusively on His power. We must respond with Paul, "Let him who boasts, boast in the Lord" (1 Corinthians 1:31).
We must join with the Corinthian believers' understanding that "godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret, whereas worldly grief produces death" (2 Corinthians 7:10).
We are victorious because of Christ, and Christ alone. Let us find our boast only in Christ, putting aside all self-pity and pride that takes snatches away the glory of the cross. Let us have a godly grief over sin that leads to salvation without regret.
God delights in saving losers like me. Losers who so desperately need His grace.
-----
Who cares if I retained? With God's grace I'll pull through, possibly even better than if I didn't.
--Xiang An at 3:07 PM
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Win or lose, I'll praise You.
Thank You, Celine, for posting this quote on your blog. Even if I won't be in the SFC leadership anymore, or I won't be in J2 with the 7 of you, it's good to know that at the very least you guys are here for me. (and I will hunt all of you down if you forget about me after you graduate! >=( )
Grant Taylor: I want God to bless this team so much people will talk about what He did. But it means we gotta give Him our best in every area. And if we win, we praise Him. And if we lose, we praise Him. Either way we honor Him with our actions and our attitudes. So I'm askin' you... What are you living for? I resolve to give God everything I've got, then I'll leave the results up to Him. I want to know if you'll join me."
A timely reminder.
Who cares if I have to retain a year? I'm not expelled. Who cares if I haven't been a good testimony for S08? I have a second chance next year for whatever class I'm in.
Ultimately, who am I living for? Results? Other people? Or am I living for Jesus?
Since I'm living for Him, I shouldn't let my own shortsightedness blind me to His plan for me. Perhaps this was all planned. Perhaps this extra year I stay back in SAJC will be used greatly for Him.
Perhaps, in some really childish part of my brain, I'm going to meet my future wife cause I retained (KIDDING! DO NOT TAKE ME SERIOUSLY.)
Yes, I'm alright. I'm still making lame jokes, aren't I?
But seriously, who cares if I retain? Cause ultimately, it's all about God's plan and timing for my life. It's not about the year I'm going to "lose" by retaining, it's about what I, or others, can gain in Christ by it, about how much more work God can do in SAJC through me by my staying back a year.
Heck, even if I leave SAJC without seeing any "miracles" performed through me, I'll still praise God.
I refuse to feel emo over this, because I refuse to be the person that falls and doesn't get back up. My ass may hurt right now, but I still have to go on. (THE ZOMBIES ARE CHASING AFTER ME!! xD)
--Xiang An at 9:01 PM
For when I am weak, then I am strong.
The power of prayer is amazing... mixed with a good night's sleep.
The words of those who love you the most always tend to sting the most as well, I guess. It's a sad fact but at least I know my parents believe that I can be so much more than what I'm doing. I know they believe I'm can perform better than 19 rank points. They're frustrated when I don't do justice to my potential.
It's time to stop being emo, it isn't time to put down my weapons yet. There's still another huge battle ahead, PW. I can't let this loss affect my future battles. Every time a warrior falls on the battlefield he has to get back up, because if he stays there he'll just be an open target for his enemies to end his life.
He must get back up and keep fighting, because his comrades haven't stopped fighting as well.
On another note, Jolene has a really interesting outlook on things. When I told her I got U's for my H2s and S for Econs, C for GP, her reaction was, "Oh! You got above average for GP!"
As stupid as it sounds, I need people with that cheerful outlook once in a while.
-----
On a different note, Laser Quest today was awesome. Although my first game was screwed up because my gun was disconnected... hence no score ):
The SFC vs Mentors game was epic... We decided to camp at the back of the maze, waiting for the mentors to come, but in the end Jolene rushed the mentors, and we followed suit...
Kelvin and I bumped into each other at the corner and we grabbed each others' guns and tried to "melee" each other xD Evan and Jolene just used their guns as melee weapons hahaha
Pearl screamed every time the mentors neared her.
Another epic moment was when Jem, Kelvin, Celine, Chris, Pearl and I mounted a push from the bottom floor. We rushed up the ramp to run into Andrea... Who had to fight off 6 people at the same time xD It's sad enough she had to endure jokes about us missing her *lasers flying over her head... hahaha* but she had to get owned so badly at that moment as well...
Oh well =P
--Xiang An at 6:07 PM
Friday, October 16, 2009
On the ledge.
The words “Fuck my life” have been echoing in my head the entire afternoon, but I refuse to say those words.
I refuse to believe 19 rank points is the best I can do. I refuse to believe that the situation is beyond salvation. I refuse to believe that there is nothing I can do about it.
Most of all, I refuse to let myself wallow in self-pity any longer.
It’s so much easier to say “I give up” and bow your head in defeat, it’s so much easier to withdraw into your own world and cut off all attempts to reach out to you. It’s so much easier to feel anger at the people who can promote, but want better grades. It’s so much easier to feel upset about how they don’t seem to care you’re not going to be with them.
It’s so much easier, but it’s so much more FOOLISH.
Who was the one slacking off at home with his guitar and computer games? If my results were bad, it was only because of my actions, or lack thereof.
Who was the one saying his future was in God’s hands but did nothing to claim that promise?
Who was the one who kept wondering how he could ‘save’ his classmates when he himself was the one who needed saving?
Who was the one who was drowning, but did not reach for the life vest thrown to him?
I did this to myself, and I can choose to admit defeat or come back with a vengeance. It’s so much easier to do the former, but I refuse. I will fight and do whatever it takes to improve my results. There is no way I’m going to let this get me down any longer.
Who cares if seemingly no one else in class bothered to ask me how I was doing? My family in SFC did. I don’t need 24 people to come and treat me like a cancer patient when I have 7 (okay, well, right now it’s 2) other people who truly care for me and are there to support me in person and in prayer.
Who cares if my world seems to be falling? I have Jesus watching over me. That line from Jesus, Love of my Soul – “Though my world may fall I’ll never let You go.” Am I going to let stupid results blind me to Jesus’ work in my life, to stop me from drawing on His strength?
Duh, no.
-----
Those were my words 3 hours ago. Those aren't my words now. I am completely and utterly broken down... The young man who had assurance in Christ has now been battered and broken down into a small boy alone on the edge of his world.
The picture above completely describes how I feel - as if my world is collapsing around me. I hate myself. Why is it that I bring nothing but hurt to those around me?
I retreated to my room the moment I got home. I dumped my bag at the door and just went into my room and locked the door. My uniform was thrown on the floor and I just couldn't care less. I was dead tired of screwing up.
Then, my parents came back and scolded me for the mess. I scolded myself and my facial expression showed it. My mom just scolded me. I did... absolutely nothing. I didn't move. My head was on one hand, I was staring blankly and in my mind I was going, "Yup, yup, true, oh wait, did I mention I'm going to have to retain?"
She just got pissed and went all out. Why did I make my grandmother bend down to pick my bag? Why did I leave a mess for my parents to clean up, why is it that I'm so selfish...
And I just broke down completely. I cried for the first time in years. She was right. I'm useless.
Fuck, how can I be in SFC and say I want to serve God when I can't even get the simple stuff I need to do at home right? Poor grades didn't give me the right to just ignore the rest of the world. No, if I said I was going to war for Christ, I was not allowed to be selfish. Yet I am. I'm a hypocrite, and the worst kind.
It doesn't help to hear your own mother tell you that in her whole life no one else in the family has broken her heart more than you did...
Why did I even think God would help me in this time? Obviously He thinks I don't deserve any consolation at all. I'm just another idiot who got too proud and selfish and needs to be humbled.
I'm sorry, but this time, I might not be able to pick myself up from this fall...
I'm standing on the ledge of my world, and the temptation to jump is just so tempting. Jump before my world collapses from beneath my feet.
I'm tired. No, I'm exhausted, fatigued, drained in all aspects, physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. I'm no Jedi Master, I'm not even a Padawan. I'm not the hero of this movie, I'm just a frightened little boy, caught between my own demons and the darkness around me.
I'm just a scared little boy with no strength to fight back.
--Xiang An at 9:21 PM
Thursday, October 15, 2009
No matter what tomorrow brings, I will praise Your name
Tomorrow, we'll be getting back our promo results. Tomorrow, I'll find out whether my last minute preparations were truly enough to see me through, or if I'll have to retain.
I guess you could say there's a sense of apprehension? I really don't want to retain, and I don't want my parents and everyone who has faith in my academic ability to be disappointed. Yet, there's this assurance in me that whatever results happen, whatever happens, it's all part of God's plan for me. He has promised to never leave nor forsake me, and that He will prosper me and not harm me.
Whether I retain or not, or no matter what grades I've gotten, I'll still choose to praise His name and thank Him for my results.
Sure, I admit it'll be tough, especially if I have to retain and bring the news to my parents. But come what may, thanks be to God. Even if I don't promote to J2, it would not have been a fruitless year.
And on the bright side, I get to serve God in SAJC for 1 more year. No matter what happens, all praise goes to You, Lord.
-----
"Ready to give up yet? Those people are not worth your life." The hollow taunted.
The shinigami panted. It was a tough fight, and he had done all he could. Was this all the strength he had? Was he to give up so easily?
He felt a flow of power from within him. A voice sounded in his heart. Don't give up, never stop fighting. Your strength will be renewed. The voice of his zanpaktou.
He was reminded of his commitment as a shinigami. Was he not once zealous about his calling and so enthusiastic about wanting to save those who could not save themselves? Did he not once vowed that he would go to the ends of the earths for his beliefs? What had happened to that passion? Was he to let it all go just because he was facing a tough opponent at this moment? Absolutely not. He thought to himself.
It only seemed natural what to do next. Lifting up his blade towards the hollow once again, he chanted, "Bankai." New strength filled him, and this time he was determined to see the fight to the bitter end.
-----
I guess today is a really meaningful day! I never realised how impactful the SJI handbook was until I dug it out today and read through the prayers/quotes in the hadnbook. The prayers are on Facebook, so I'm just sharing the quotes here:
"If God can make everything out of nothing, He can surely make something out of me." - Mother Teresa
"Rest assured that, provided you are willing, you can do more by the grace of God than you can imagine." - St La Salle
"No man can do properly what He is called to do in this life unless he can learn to forget his ego and act as an instrument of God." W H Auden
"Is it not shameful that after our Lord desired your salvation so ardently, and still wishes for it so earnestly, you should correspond so feebly to His love?" - St La Salle.
"Perform all your actions as well as you know how, without being worried how well they 'might' have been performed." - St La Salle
--Xiang An at 8:30 PM
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Is it better to walk away?
"Why are you fighting for them? They don't even care about you!" The hollow said to the shinigami. "They couldn't care less if you died, even if you died protecting them."
"It doesn't matter, they're still worth it." The shinigami replied, blood running down his robes. The fight had been tough and taken a toll on him, both physically and mentally, and now the hollow was trying to wear him down with words, trying to demoralise him so that the finishing blow would be complete.
"Look at them! You fight so hard, yet they refuse to let you rest! You've taken such a beating, yet they refuse to let you tend to your wounds! You don't have the luxury of being weak for a moment, or even making a mistake to them. They won't ask why you do what you do, they just want you to die!"
"This path I've taken was not a choice they made for me, but a choice I made for myself." The shinigami's words were slowly losing effect on himself. The hollow's words were tempting, and some part of him desired to walk away from the fight and let the hollow do as he wished with the people he called his comrades.
"You could just walk away, take your rest; it's not like they care, they never cared! Never there to thank you when you help them, never there to give you that pat on the back when you do something right; yet they are the first to judge you, the first to point their fingers and call you weak. Why do you fight for these people?"
The shinigami felt his resolve to resist weaken. Swaying words... Yet his hand gripped his blade even harder. He got back on his feet and held his blade in both hands. This was it. The final stand. If he could not stop the hollow's next attack, he may not be able to stop it ever.
Words began to form in his mouth. "I fight for them, because they won't fight for themselves, and I can't bear to watch them fall." With a scream he charged the hollow.
Knowing that full well he may not be able to withstand the next blow.
Even as he swung his blade, a nagging thought rang at the back of his mind. "Would it be better if I walked away?"
-----
Last Saturday, as the Outing Organising Committee meeting was nearing its end, I was suddenly reminded of the fact that Angie attends the saturday service in the evening. A part of me went, "Crap! Service is ending and I'm still here!"
The moment the meeting ended, I rushed out of church, eager to avoid bumping into her. Let's just say I wouldn't know how I'd react or feel if I ran into her again.
Then, reading Celine's blog, God showed me a new light on this situation.
"They grow big-thorned briars to protect the tops of garden walls," she remarked. "This one must have loved you, to leave so deep a scar."
Why was I feeling awkward or upset about the break up? It was the greatest act of love she could ever do for me in our entire relationship - ending it because we were going down the path of sin and because she knew we were too immature to actually be in love.
Ironic, huh? That both of us recognised it was just a crush but this was the amazing act of love she did for me. Yes, it hurt, but I guess if I ran into her I'd have to thank her cause that hurt has made me stronger and (maybe) a little wiser when it comes to relationships.
I've come to think of it this way - if I never met her, never went through that period in my life, would I still be warning myself against the dangers of lust, of letting emotions rule over righteousness? Probably not, I'd probably still be trying to flirt around and still treat all the notion of a girlfriend as just a plaything, not someone you're considering spending the rest of your life with.
Sounds dumb, but I'm thankful for the experience really. Sucked to be in it then, but at least I'm a little smarter about these things now.
--Xiang An at 7:59 PM
For you, my friend.
In the short term, it would make me happy to go play outside.
In the long term, it would make me happier to do well at school and become successful.
But in the very long term, I know which will make better memories.
-Calvin
My friend, perhaps it's time you let go and let loose a little, instead of clinging so hard to your studies. Take a break once in a while.
Life's too short to waste on temporal things, or on things that add to your misery. Treasure each moment, each breath and each experience as if it were your last, cherish the people around you, and the memories you share together.
Cause, when you're 60 and retired, are you going to remember how hard you worked for that PW grade? Or how happy you were sharing laughs with your friends? Will you remember all the times studying in the library, or the times you spent in there laughing with your friends?
Are we going to remember the lectures and tutorials we did endless, or the stupid laughs we had, the stupid crap we did in our classes?
Sometimes, it's best to just leave homework for later, and seize the moment to LIVE.
-----
Since I mentioned PW... This C&H comic strangely reminded me of PW... Changing your approach to tackle a problem. Heh.
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Calvin and Hobbes is a strangely philosophical comic despite it's entertainment value. Guess it just goes to show you can have fun and ponder life at the same time.
--Xiang An at 3:13 AM
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Big effing SIGH.
"Being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will be faithful and complete it in the day of Christ Jesus"
I want to believe in this. I don't want to see the hurt that those around me feel and that I can do nothing about it. Maybe if I always felt this humble and lousy, I wouldn't have to keep doing stupid crap that blows up in my face.
"Listen to advice and accept instruction, and in the end you will be wise. Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails."
Lord, it is Your purpose that prevails. Surely You have a plan to fix all this, You have control over things that I don't. There is nothing I can do but pray and commit this unto Your hands.
-----
On a separate note, ridiculous things are getting to me for no reason. I don't want to be so emo or irritable. I want to stop feeling crappy and just be cheerful for once.
GRAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I hate you mom (not literally), don't make stupid comments about me and any supposed "girlfriends" I might have! GRAAAAH stop making me paranoid T.T
--Xiang An at 5:51 PM
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Helplessness
I give up, Abba Father. I am powerless to do anything about this situation, no matter how much I wish I could say something that would improve the situation. I am imperfect, I have no persuasiveness to quell the conflict. Right now I can only pray to You and hope You can work in their hearts.
It sucks to see friends at loggerheads with each other. It's even worse when neither of them will suck up their pride/self-righteousness and just go to the other party and talk things out. Surely we can all at least make the effort to act like adults.
I'm not condemning anyone here, but shouldn't this be what we're all aiming for? To speak with each other as peers and equals and not let our anger blind us to what is right?
Sucks even more when a fellow Christian is involved. Aren't we as Christians called to be humble and "love our neighbour as ourselves", bless those who offend us or piss us off? Aren't we, as God's people, supposed to take the first step and make a peace offering even if we feel as if we're not at fault?
I don't like hearing arguments about how Christians are "not in SFC", because honestly, I think that means nuts to God. Are only SFC members supposed to act Christian, are SFC members the only people who are supposed to be righteous before God? Definitely not! Every Christian in the college, student or teacher, SFC or not, across all denominations and in spite of all our different churches we attend, we are all measured by God's standard.
Not our own standard. I admit that SFC members may come under heavier scrutiny by those around us, but in the eyes of God, shouldn't EVERY CHRISTIAN be doing the same?
I have no idea how some Christians in the college feel about this, but I believe that as long as we call ourselves Christians we should do our best to honour God's word and what He expects of us as His children and His testimonies. It's not just a job for those who join SFC, but for each and every believer.
So why can't we all start acting more like this?
I don't have the answers, and perhaps I never will. I myself have a lot of things in my own character and relations with those around me that I need to work on, but is it right that only SFC members are conscious of the fact that their actions are seen as God's character to the world? The label of SFC may give more influence, sure, but shouldn't every Christian be doing the same?
-----
Romans 12:1-3
Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.
For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you.
-----
To me, I get this image that someone looking from the outside sees a handful, say 60 Christians living their lives righteous before God and the rest are being no different, and I wonder, do these people think that so many Christians are not living by the very things being preached in chapel, hence the bible, Christianity and God's word hold no weight?
I hope not, and I really hope there can be a change of heart within each Christian in college.
But like I learned last Sunday, before all this can happen I must first set things right in my heart.
So Abba Father, I'm coming to you, broken, desperate and helpless. I played a part in inciting this situation, and I don't see how anything I do might help except by commiting this unto Your hands in prayer.
For the people I mentioned at the start of this post, I sincerely hope things get better between you two. I might not be able to do much but know that my prayers are with you.
God bless.
--Xiang An at 12:03 AM
Thursday, October 08, 2009
PW PW PW
Hey people, I would appreciate it if you could help out my group by filling out a simple survey =P Thanks much.
Singapore 1960s music survey
--Xiang An at 11:52 AM
Wednesday, October 07, 2009
Laughs
Hey girl, I think you're really pretty
I like your long black hair
so would you slap me
if i said I dreamt about you in your underwear?
-----
:P
Today I just have random smilies in my head. I feel like a :) or a :D
Or maybe a x)
-----
Our song is the slamming screen door
Sneakin' out late, tapping on your window
When we're on the phone and you talk real slow
'Cause it's late and your mama don't know
Our song is the way you laugh
The first date man, I didn't kiss her and I should have
And when I got home, 'fore I said amen
Asking God if He could play it again
--Xiang An at 9:17 PM
Tuesday, October 06, 2009
Misunderstandings and Pride
Misunderstandings are inevitable in our lives. Whatever we say or do may and will be interpreted wrongly by people, even if we had the best of intentions or did not mean it the way they took it.
The crux of this issue how we respond to it. Do we let our self-righteousness take over and insist on us not being in the wrong? Or do we humble ourselves and keep quiet, and talk it out nicely to iron out these misunderstandings.
It's something I'm struggling with I guess. To stop letting my pride yell out responses when people say things about me that are untrue, or mistook my words.
Then again, how do we know when to speak out and when to keep quiet about it? Where do we draw the line between closing an eye and reproaching/explaining to the other party?
It's not an easy distinction to make, at least not for me.
This entire contemplation stemmed from a single comment in PW today. Someone commented on my breathing sounds making it seem like I was doing it on purpose. Part of me felt like that person was being nitpick-ish about quirks that I have no control over and wanted to react defensively.
Then I told someone else in class who was a good friend of theirs about it and it sounded like I was accusing them of it, cause I wrongly thought it was something that all of them were bothered about.
Misunderstandings in misunderstandings. The world works like a joke sometimes.
Cleared up misunderstanding 2, but what about the inciting the incident? I'm still wondering whether to say anything about it or not. Perhaps if it's brought up again? Or maybe I should just keep quiet. I don't know. I don't want to make a big deal out of it, yet at the same time I don't want others to mistake a genetic trait as an intentional action.
Discernment to tell the difference is something I need to pray about. I guess right now I should just take things in my stride instead of being so sensitive about certain harmless things.
This is what happens when I have too much free time on my hands. I dissect situations and things way too much. Sometimes I analyse things to the point where it can be considered paranoia.
Perhaps it's best if I just stuck to my "silence is golden" policy for now.
-----
On another note, I have to begin watching what I say a bit more carefully. I realise lately in my interactions I'm beginning to make comments that are bordering on attention seeking.
I admit I'm a joker, yet at times it seems as if I'm not cracking jokes for the laughs but for the attention. Like a magician who performs to satisfy his own ego rather than because he wants to leave people wondering with his magic tricks.
I'm glad that at times my being a joker helps people forget their problems in laughter for a moment, yet am I doing this to bring laughs to the lives or my friends or am I doing this to fulfil a selfish need to have people notice me?
It's a constant struggle to remind myself that I don't need to do things for anyone to notice or for anyone to praise me on; God sees everything I do and knows why I do them. God should be sole audience that I live my life for, not people. I don't need to be thanked or praised when I do something good.
Cause at the end of it all, what is more important, that the people around me tell me that I'm a great guy, a good friend, or to stand before the King of kings and hear Him say, "Well done, good and faithful servant"?
-----
--Xiang An at 10:20 PM
Sunday, October 04, 2009
Surprises Sunday
Like my post suggests, today was a day full of surprises and lessons.
PTF - 2 Chronicles 7:14
Brother Andrew shared with us this verse and reminded all of us that revival comes first from the heart - our hearts. We first have to pray and seek God and set our own walks with Him right before we can start impacting lives and seeing our numbers grow.
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Cell -
Really interesting, we just got together and shared about how God has spoken to us in the past week and what are some areas we need a breakthrough in, and also, reminding us about how God calls us to be more than what we are and step out of our comfort zone.
There was this really interesting article, about how God being omnipotent, could choose to do all things Himself, instead of working through man, as we are all flawed and make mistakes. Think about it - God could just part the clouds, poke His face through them and tell the whole world, "Hi humanity. I am God. Believe in Me now, or I will kill you."
He could also use His angels instead. Humans make mistakes, humans are flawed, we fall short, we are inconsisten and at times what we do contradicts what we say, yet Jesus told us to "go forth and make disciples of all the Earth." And it's referred to as the Great Commission, not the great suggestion.
So this was the question posed - would we as Christians be willing to reach out to the people that no one else cares about? The most annoying guy in class, the girl everyone hates. Whoever they are, are we willing to bear that burden and love them when no one else will, even when it costs us our reputation or popularity?
I guess it's a question each Christian has to answer in our own time, and I pray for strength to do the same.
-----
Service -
Really cool. Brother Ka Fei talked to us about God's love and how at times we reject it because we close our hearts to Jesus. He used Judas and Zaccheus as examples. Judas, who spent so much time at Jesus' side and yet closed his heart to Him and betrayed him. Zaccheus, who never heard of Jesus before, but wanted to know Him more and repented of all his sins.
Brother Ka Fei also shared something really cool that I believe everyone should be reminded of: "When we reject ourselves, we are rejecting God's love." He told us to stop feeling lousy about ourselves, whatever situation we are in and just trust God.
Words that are simple to say, but harder to do. Yet sometimes it just takes a simple line of "Lord, I commit this unto Your hands" and letting Him work. I guess it's the waiting that causes people to doubt. God answers prayers in His own time, and sometimes perhaps not as soon as we hope. At those times, will we still keep praying and say "Lord, I trust that You will answer my prayers at the right time." or will we keep asking, "Lord, why aren't you answering?"
Brother Nicholas brought up a very important point as well - do we have an expectancy of God or expectations of Him? Expectancy is when we trust that God will come to our aid at His own time and we wait for Him to move while continually going to Him in prayer. Expectations is desiring God to go by our schedules and do things for us immediately. I guess I don't have to explain that expectancy is what we should be aiming for, not expectation.
Ephesians 1:4-5
For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us to be adopted as his sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will
For all of you out there who are feeling like you've got nothing to contribute - God has CHOSEN you for a purpose, to meet a need in this world. He loves you and I guess Psalms 139 says it all - each of us were "fearfully and wonderfully made" by God even before we were conceived. There is a God out there who is watching over you and loves you no matter what you've done.
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Service Learning -
Larissa organised another Service Learning for the class today. Once again we went down to help out Lester's church with blessing the Chinese Construction Workers. It was kind of slack actually, just served dinner and sat in for the Mid-Autumn Festival programme/service they had.
God really showed me a new side to some of my classmates today. I definitely would not known Larissa to be so passionate about God until today when I heard some of things she said. (I have a feeling she might know the bible better than I do right now.)
And also, the awesome spirit of community that the CCWs have. They walk up on stage for stage games, wish the whole congregation a happy Mid-Autumn Festival during their self-introduction, they cheer for each other enthusiastically. I seriously have not seen such unity, not in my juniors in scouts, not anywhere (maybe except possibly in IGNYTE, even then we don't cheer for people we're not familiar with that much.)Right there and then I felt as if they didn't deserve to be looked down on by society.
They do us a great service by building our infrastructure, something no other Singaporean seems to want to do, yet nobody bothers to thank them. I'm glad at least one church has decided to reach out and bless them, and I'm glad I could be a part of it tonight.
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On another note, if you guys have been reading the news this past week, you would have heard of the earthquakes, the tsunamis and typhoons that have hit our neighbouring countries.
Brothers and sisters, I ask that you keep these countries in your prayer. They need God's protection over them now, and His strength and peace to be upon them as they try to rebuild their lives and mourn their loved ones. Also that help will be sent to them quickly so the situation can be alleviated as soon as possible.
While we may not be able to physically be there to help them, the least we could do is keep them in prayer. Prayer moves! =)
--Xiang An at 10:25 PM
Friday, October 02, 2009
Randomness
Don't listen too close
Let's turn our backs on the world
And stare into each other's eyes
Get lost in this dream and never wake up
I can't win any games at the amusement park
But I feel like a champion just for winning your heart
I'm a poor kid who can't buy you diamond rings
Is it ok if I gave you my heart on a string?
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LAN today was fun although only 5 of us came and I kept getting owned. None of the girls came but dammit we won't stop trying! Heh, I guess more effort has to be made to really include the class in outings. Admittedly not many girls will find LAN interesting but no harm asking them along when we're going to play, right?
I tried playing Call of Duty 4 during LAN and man, I now know why Chris likes the game.
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Things have been feeling strangely detached for some reason. I don't really feel the sense of joy and passion when I'm playing my guitar or practising my magic tricks anymore. Could it exhaustion from promos? Quite possibly. I feel super high and cheerful while listening to music but sadly playing it myself is just the opposite. I guess it's partly due to my lack of practice for a long time and also cause I'm just a novice at guitar playing. I just have to suck it up and get back to the rhythm of constant practice everyday.
I still haven't forgotten my goal with the guitar: to be able to lead worship solo. Or maybe not solo, But okay the guitar definitely. Wouldn't want others to go deaf cause of my horrible singing xD
Argh and I have to watch my spending more carefully and learn to be patient about buying things that I don't really need. I'm woefully weak when it comes to this, and also to my buying of unhealthy food like mac's so many times a week.
Rawr. Next time you guys see me or hear about me going off to buy something stupid or unimportant please remind me to keep my spending in check :) God knows I suck at reminding myself.
God bless you guys! (and this is directed at girls too :D)
--Xiang An at 11:14 PM
Breaking stereotypes
The experiment: will girls play LAN if invited?
Leslie asked me to organize the LAN outing for tomorrow, asking me to demonstrate my leadership skills. Which is kind of ironic cause I doubt anyone in class sees me as a leader. But hey, there's always chances to step up, and I thought, why not ask the girls too?
Hopefully the girls will turn up. LAN outings don't always need to be an all guys thing! I know at least 2 girls who play L4D (ironically, one of them is named Zoey) and I think they're proof enough that girls can play LAN too.
Next up, the experiment shall be done with SFC girls. There're 8 of us so it's just enough for L4D versus xD
There are girls who take part in airsoft skirmishes on regular basis! I don't see why activities should be gender dominated.
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On another note, I'm in a happy sappy mushy random love/crush songs mood lately. Funny thing is I'm not exactly crushing on any girl specifically, I'm just in that mood for some reason. Perhaps my exam period suppressed quite a few random thoughts and they're manifesting themselves now.
Just last night I dreamt about being late for lecture and I was rushing to tha CC from my house. And the CC was at greenridge shopping centre across the road. Then I bumped into my primary school teacher and walked into a barber shop.
Weird dreams ftw.
Tomorrow is boring talks day :( and Sexuality talk after chapel? Then the career talks? Sheesh what is our school admin doing. They certainly know how to bore us to death. Chapel is possibly the only highlight of the day.
I wanna pon tomorrow and just go LAN, but meh, might as well go to school. Not like I have anything better to do at home anyway. Xiang An has no life :(
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And Greg Pitchard from Britain's got talent is an awesome singer. You guys should check him out. He's a countertenor, which means he is man with a naturally high vocal range. I'm not talking about normal singing high, I'm talking about soprano high, as in opera singing high. That's just crazy cool.
--Xiang An at 12:19 AM
Thursday, October 01, 2009
Love of Christ
I went to sleep with a heavy thought last night. The realization that I don't have the luxury of showing weighed heavily on my mind. I guess I've always subconsciously known that being in SFC meant I would be placed under heavy scrutiny. Yet last night the full weight of things dawned on me.
Why is it especially me that took criticism for being tired and dropping dead in class? Just cause I'm in SFC? To those around it's like I love God so much it's my CCA, so they're looking at me to see God's character. So why does this mean I don't have the muxury of being tired, of being flawed?
It all boils down to people seeing Christians as perfect. Hence I can only show those around me that being a Christian or being in SFC has nothing to do with being superior or perfect. In fact I believe it should show just the opposite.
The only reason for my being in SFC was because I admit that I am a screwed up person, yet I have a God who loves me in spite of my flaws and weaknesses. Which is why I want to serve Him in whatever way I can, even in school.
Then someone threw the curveball at me: so why was I so cynical and only able to see the flaws, not the good? Doesn't that contradict with what the whole idea of unconditional love? That you only bother to see flaws but not strengths?
I guess it's true, that I have been overly critical of people on the past. Yet I hardly consider the positive side to things. Perhaps I have been treating the criticisms of my peers towards me in the wrong light. It still takes effort to remind myself that people are inherently good and to treat their criticisms as an act of concern for me.
After all, who bothers to criticize someone they don't care about?
And have I been criticizing but not loving my friends in spite of their flaws? I took a long deep look at my past actions and yes, my actions may seem that way. My thoughts certainly do, but at the same time I know each of my friends have strengths to them as well, and it's funny how I know they aren't bad people, but I treat them that way at times.
I can only pray about this and make the effort to correct the way the I act around my peers, and really love them like Christ did. Perhaps just helping them out when they're in need isn't enough, and I can definitely do more than just be there when they're in need.
I have to make the effort and kill my cynicism. It'll be tough trying to undo all the wrong impressions I've given my friends but I hope there's still a chance to improve things.
After all, there are such things as second chances, right?
--Xiang An at 4:34 PM