Play the songs. One by one, of course. Each represents something that's going through my head right now.
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On a somewhat irrelevant yet relevant topic:
--Xiang An at 7:17 PM
Firewater
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I'm gonna overcome this Paper hearts can't win this time And all along I should've know this wasn't your dream It was mine
I know you wanted me To give this life to be Everything I was when you had the hands my heart was in
I was never good at goodbye
Can I swallow this bottle whole? So this brain in my head, Can forget your face Can I swallow this bottle whole? Cause I'd rather be dead Than make more mistakes.
You left me here beside myself Left me with all the reasons I was wrong for you.
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Sigh.
Drowning my thoughts in alcohol like the song says seems like a good idea right now.
--Xiang An at 12:09 AM
Monday, June 28, 2010
Haunting my dreams
Dreaming about her. Happened a few times already during the holidays. Like I said, being cooped up at home is bad for me... I brood on things I shouldn't.
I even watched Forgetting Sarah Marshall again. Didn't help... It just some stupid part of me ache worse because I DON'T have any productive that will distract me from the thoughts of her.
"She's in the past, Xiang An. Forget her."
How can I? Even in my sleep she haunts me, and the worst thing is, those dreams made me wake up warm and fuzzy.
I was supposed to have moved on. Supposed to have laid that part of my past to rest, yet like a persistent horror movie creep it refuses to remain dead and keeps coming back to tear at me again. Why?
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Rachel Jansen: [about his rock opera] Why Dracula? Peter Bretter: Because he's just a man, he wants to be loved but every woman he gets near he ends up smothering and killing, and I've had similar experiences.
--Xiang An at 12:35 AM
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Name Numerology
Saw this on a website, and I use my full name because it was "recommended" to do so, but funnily enough, taking out my surname or me using my callsign of "Reaper" was pretty accurate too. (This one I posted is pretty dead wrong about "responsibility" though... haha)
The characteristics of #4 are: A foundation, order, service, struggle against limits, steady growth.
The expression or destiny for #4: Order, service, and management are the cornerstones of the number 4 Expression. Your destiny is to express wonderful organization skills with your ever practical, down-to-earth approach. You are the kind of person who is always willing to work those long, hard hours to push a project through to completion. A patience with detail allows you to become expert in fields such as building, engineering, and all forms of craftsmanship. Your abilities to write and teach may lean toward the more technical and detailed. In the arts, music will likely be your choice. Artistic talents may also appear in such fields as horiculture and floral arrangement, as well. Many skilled physicians and especially surgeons have the 4 Expression.
The positive attitudes of the 4 Expression yield responsibility; you are one who no doubt, fulfills obligations, and is highly systematic and orderly. You are serious and sincere, honest and faithful. It is your role to help and you are required to do a good job at everything you undertake.
If there is too much 4 energies present in your makeup, you may express some of the negative attitudes of the number 4. The obligations that you face may tend to create frustration and feelings of limitation or restriction. You may sometimes find yourself nursing negative attitudes in this regard and these can keep you in a rather low mood. Avoid becoming too rigid, stubborn, dogmatic, and fixed in your opinions. You may have a tendency to develop and hold very strong likes and dislikes, and some of these may border on the classification of prejudice. The negative side of 4 often produces dominant and bossy individuals who use disciplinarian to an excess. These tendencies must be avoided. Finally, like nearly all with 4 Expression, you must keep your eye on the big picture and not get overly wrapped up in detail and routine.
Your Soul Urge number is: 6
A Soul Urge number of 6 means: With a number 6 Soul Urge, you would like to be appreciated for your ability to handle responsibility. Your home and family are likely to be a strong focus for you, perhaps the strongest focus of your life. Friendship, love, and affection are high on your list of priorities for a happy life. You have a lot of diplomatic tendencies in your makeup, as you a able to rectify and balance situations with an innate skill. You like working with people rather than by yourself. It is extremely important for you to have harmony in your environment at all times.
The positive side of the 6 Soul Urge produces a huge capacity for responsibility; you are always there and ready to assume more than your share of the load. If you possess positive 6 Soul Urges and express them, you are known for your generosity, understanding and deep sympathetic attitude. Strong 6 energy is very giving of love, affection, and emotional support. You may have the inclination to teach or serve your community in other idealistic ways. You have natural abilities to help people. You are also likely to have artistic and creative leanings.
If you have an over-supply of 6 energy in your makeup, you may express some of the negative traits common to this number. With such a strong sympathetic attitude, it is easy to become too emotional. Sometimes the desires to render help can be over done, and it can become interfering and an attitude that is too protective, rather than helpful. The person with too much 6 energy often finds that people tend to take advantage of this very giving spirit. You may tend to repress your own needs so that you can cater to the demands from others. At times, there may be a tendency in this, for becoming over-loaded with such demands, and as a result become resentful.
Your Inner Dream number is: 7
An Inner Dream number of 7 means: You dream of having the opportunity to read, study, and shut yourself off from worldly distractions. You can see yourself as a teacher, mystic, or ecclesiastic, spending your life in the pursuit of knowledge and learning.
--Xiang An at 11:38 PM
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
The hardest thing to believe
It's that anyone could ever love you when you take a look at your darker side. The one that's fighting for release every minute of every day. Looking at the evil inside of you and knowing that all it takes is one slip, and you could destroy everything you ever cared about.
So many things I want to say, and yet I can't find the words to describe them. I won't try to. It's just crazy to sum up everything that's making you implode in a single blog post. I guess to put it simply, it's not a question of whether God loves me, but can I love myself, and face my inner demons?
--Xiang An at 1:35 PM
Monday, June 21, 2010
Hero - Skillet
I'm just a step away I'm just a breath away Losing my faith today Falling off the edge today
I am just a man Not superhuman I'm not superhuman Someone save me from the hate
It's just another war Just another family torn Falling from my faith today Just a step from the edge Just another day in the world we live
I need a hero to save me now I need a hero, save me now I need a hero to save my life A hero will save me just in time
--Xiang An at 11:16 AM
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
And the worst part is Before it gets any better We're headed for a cliff And in the free fall I will realise I'm better off when I hit the bottom
I found a demon in my safest haven.
And he knows just where to attack to remove all my defenses.
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--Xiang An at 4:09 PM
Monday, June 14, 2010
I am not A-tan.
So... Hayate when he was 6 years old, stumbles upon this weird palace of King Midas where a little girl called Athena is trapped, and they fall in love (yes, at 6 years old) and after an argument, he leaves and is no longer able to find the palace until 10 years later when he finds Athena again, who is now possessed by the spirit of King Midas and wants to gain the power of god. So Hayate must destroy "The King's Jewel", which will result in the loss of the rights of his current master, Nagi, to the family inheritance. She willingly destroys the stone for him and then after defeating the spirit of King Midas and rescuing Athena, the girl he's been in love for for the past 10 years of his life...
She lets him go, because she knows she has hurt him and he has found his true happiness. So he returns to Nagi. (I skipped over some details, but you can go read the entire manga if you wish)
So, it's about letting go... Right? Why do I suddenly get this strong feeling of wanting to rend my heart from my chest and smashing it to tiny little pieces?
--Xiang An at 11:22 PM
Sunday, June 13, 2010
When the mind is left to wander...
It inevitably goes searching for those unhappy memories you thought you left behind. Why do I still keep thinking of her? The honest question is, do I miss her or the things we did?
You are the bitter-sweet taste of regret.
Somebody needs to save me from being cooped up in my house all day. At this rate I might just throw myself out the window to stop the flurry of thoughts in head.
It sucks even more when you add another that's haunting you in the present as well.
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Irrelevant note: Hayate the Combat Butler is a surprisingly entertaining and amusing manga... Chapter 77's title - "What's an item you don't want to buy but would make you happy if you receive it?" Really interesting question. AND there are lots of references to a lot of other mangas as well... It's almost copyright infringement. Haha.
I kind of wish I was Hayate in that manga... An unlucky as hell guy who has a body that can withstand anything (just read it to find out what THAT entails..) but has the affection of the girls around him........ *jealous*
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I really miss your hair in my face And the way your innocence tastes And I think you should know this You deserve much better than me.
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I feel like I could put up with going through the ending of Shutter Island or being made into a golem the way they do it in Dragon Age: Origins. If you're wondering what the process is like:
The process for creating a golem involves pouring molten lyrium in to all of the orifices of a living dwarf while they scream in terrifying agony. After that is done, comes the forming of the body with molten rock or steel, a point where they are still feeling pain, and screaming with each blow of the hammer. When all is said and done, the body formed and the screaming finally stops, they are a shiny new golem.
For those wondering what lyrium is:
Lyrium is a valuable but dangerous mineral. In its raw form, the ore will cause anything from serious injury to insanity in humans or elves, and it will kill mages. Only the dwarves know how to process the ore to render it less dangerous and more usable. Generations of proximity have made dwarves more naturally resistant (not immune) to the effects. Surface dwarves lose that resistance over time. In its processed form, it may be handled by anyone, but long term exposure or a single mistake while working with it can lead to serious side effects such as emotional instability or complete psychosis.
A bit like if you combined arsenic, uranium and lava together. And yes, that is how preferable it would be to having these thoughts.
--Xiang An at 7:59 PM
Friday, June 11, 2010
Strangers Like Me
This song is awesome... I wish Disney would go back to their 90s style of making movies... Those were good times. Now, we have High School Musical (flinches) and (gags) Miley Cyrus.
--Xiang An at 2:05 AM
Saturday, June 05, 2010
This is what a real love song sounds like
I don't understand how people call modern pop music "love songs"... Pfft.
I know the video is super corny but hey, I couldn't find anything else to post here that wasn't even more retarded.
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I know just how to whisper And I know just how to cry I know just where to find the answers And I know just how to lie I know just how to fake it And I know just how to scheme I know just when to face the truth And then I know just when to dream
And I know just where to touch you And I know just what to prove I know when to pull you closer And I know when to let you loose And I know the night is fading And I know the time's gonna fly And I'm never gonna tell you Everything I gotta tell you But I know I gotta give it a try
And I know the roads to riches And I know the ways to fame I know all the rules And I know how to break 'em And I always know the name of the game
But I don't know how to leave you And I'll never let you fall And I don't know how you do it Making love out of nothing at all
Making love, Out of nothing at all Making love, Out of nothing at all
Everytime I see you all the rays of the sun Are streaming through the waves in your hair And every star in the sky is taking aim at your eyes Like a spotlight
The beating of my heart is a drum and it's lost And it's looking for a rhythm like you You can take the darkness from the pit of the night And turn into a beacon burning endlessly bright
I've gotta follow it 'cause everything I know Well it's nothing till I give it to you
I can make the runner stumble I can make the final block And I can make every tackle at the sound of the whistle I can make all the stadiums rock I can make tonight forever Or I can make it disappear by the dawn I can make you every promise that has ever been made I can make all your demons be gone
But I'm never gonna make it without you Do you really want to see me crawl And I'm never gonna make it like you do Making love out of nothing at all
Making love, Out of nothing at all Making love, Out of nothing at all
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Really interesting events today. Went shopping for the animal toys we need for the Batam Cultural Exchange with the pre-school kids there, and when I head to Fajar, a nagging feeling was pulling me into the DIY shop on the outside.
I decided to look around the rest of the complex first and it was super unfruitful until I decided to head back to the shop, which had some toys hooked onto a shelf. I looked around the entire shop stupidly until I looked at the stack of toys... and looked up. There they were, hanging just above my head, out of sight.
Kinda like how we look for God in everywhere else but where He leads us, doesn't it? And even after He has lead us to the place where our answers are we don't ever find it and keep searching but we won't find it until we LOOK UP..
Hm. Interesting :D
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On a not so happy note, my mom's in the hospital due to an infection, since she's undergoing chemo and her white blood cell count is too low. My grandmother is in the hospital because of dengue fever as well... All of this happened last night. And it sucks to know I won't be there for the next few days... Sigh.
--Xiang An at 4:10 PM