This songs describes how I feel right now. Despite my resolve to move on and not let my feelings for her intervene with my life or to clean up the mess that I've been ignoring, I can't help but slip back into my old ways.
She's still on my mind, and it's so hard to try and just be a friend when a part of me is yelling so loudly that I wish it could be more.
It's hard to get down to the studying and revision I have to do when it feels like I have too much to cover in too little time.
Jesus can You show me just how far the east is from the west?
I can't bear to see the man I've been
Rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
Cause You know just how far the east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other.
I'll trust in You, Jesus, because I can't even trust myself now.
I feel Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island or the girl in Suckerpunch. I'd rather be lobotomized than deal with this raging conflict of guilt and shame and self-loathing in my head. I want to be free of it.
At times I wonder if I'm "self-medicating" my problems away with all the binge eating and gaming I'm doing, because doing anything else causes me to think about these things. I can't even write my stories because in them, the main character always has a happy ending, always knows what to do, and always overcomes his troubles. Perhaps he's the version of me I wish I could be, that nothing would phase me and everything was just taken in stride and met with a calm resolve.
I know that's just a dream, and I'm powerless to stop the hurricane in my head except to cry out to God and ask Him to help me through this.
The problem is, does He hear me or is He ignoring me? Or maybe He's already answered my prayers but I don't hear him over the raging winds because I'm too scared to let go of it all.
You are peace, You are peace
When my fear is crippling.
--Xiang An at 10:49 AM