I am now a saint! Now a real one, I've been posted to SAJC! I got my first choice, which is good, although I'm quite apprehensive as to getting to school on time at 7.30am.
The bus uses the PIE and everyone knows how sucky traffic is on that particular Expressway in the morning. I'm going to be travelling straight into peak hours in a busy part of Singapore.
And my paranoia tells me catching the first bus isn't going to get me there on time either.
Right now the only people I know who are confirmed in SAJC with me are Jun Teng and Michelle. If anyone else has been posted there or knows who has post a comment and let me know please. :)
A new feeling of anticipation fills my heart again as I wonder what life in JC is going to be like. Asking my friends in RJC hasn't been helpful cause all the only difference they give is "guys/girls". Apparently they haven't started lessons, just talks on handling GP at A Levels and how to adapt to co ed education (like what? are rafflesians really that socially inept?)
An entirely new system of learning (too bad for you CJians. Ha!), new friends to be made and a whole new environment (not just cause of girls, Aaron). Acquiring new knowledge and an another 2 years of complex transportation to school (I actually have to take the damn LRT as well this time.) I've been wondering how it's like to experience all this first hand, I guess the feeling might not be much different from when I first stepped in SJI, but that still remains to be seen!
I believe it's going to be an eventful 2 years, and a testing time as well. On one hand, I want to correct the mistakes I made in SJI and really step up to the challenge for JC, instead of just slacking away like I did in secondary school.
Then again, I always have my favourite quote from my "man movie" Troy:
"I'll tell you a secret. Something they don't teach you in your temple. The Gods envy us. They envy us because we're mortal, because any moment might be our last. Everything is more beautiful because we're doomed. You will never be lovelier than you are now. We will never be here again."
No matter what my two years in JC will be like, I'll cherish every moment cause I can't get it back once it's gone. Of course, at the same time I'll do my best and do my duty. I'm actually quite tempted to use the "Immortality! Take it! It's yours!" quote. I guess I just did. Haha.
Oh well, for now I'm back to practising my guitar. :)
--Xiang An at 3:09 PM
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Torn Apart Inside
So I couldn't sleep till I was really tired last night. Was up the whole night thinking about my situation. Wondering if it's all just one big lie. Wishful think on my part.
It's not like I didn't see this coming. Somewhere deep in my conscience I knew the consequences of letting such information slip. Information people can really wound you with. Yet I let it out anyway. And now, I feel like I've shot myself in the back. I keep wondering if it's better if I had just kept it inside instead of letting it out. If things would be different now if I didn't spill my guts.
Now that I think about, it's always my true thoughts and feelings that have ruined my relationships - with friends, parents and (although I hate to admit it) girls. It's ironic that while I value honesty and letting people know the truth, when I am honest about myself and what I really think, I end up hurting the people around me. I've held things up inside because I was always afraid of what would happen if I ever said everything out.
Only to be drawn into a vicious cycle. When I can't hold things in any longer, all of it comes out and like a dam that's held back to much, I break down completely. I spend nights thinking if it were better if some thoughts were just kept to yourself, that while in the process of being totally honest with the people around, is it better if some things are kept secrets? It makes me feel guilty, knowing that my actions have cause the other party to feel like they can no longer talk to me. Like I was the one who brought the sledgehammer down on something as fragile as human relationships.
I just wish that things weren't so complicated. That I can stop being the one holding the short end of the stick when things settle. I wish there was a way I could be brutally honest without getting torn up inside, without feeling guilty.
Most of all, I wish that while I'm typing these words, all the negative emotions in me flow away and just leave me be. For now, it's still a sad pathetic dream. One that might never be fulfilled.
--Xiang An at 7:16 AM
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Emotional Roller Coasters
I hate them. Life's complicated enough already why does the world insist on piling problem after problem? Girl problems? I can deal. Idiots who making comments on things they have absolutely no clue on? I can deal.
Both together? Oh come on, can I get a break? As if I didn't have enough problems to deal with. My mind is in overdrive, I'm feeling pissed off and upset at the same time. I'm hanging on the edge by my fingernails and it just plain sucks to be free and unoccupied now cause I keep brooding on such things, which of course, never helps the situation.
I guess it's times like this that people really know who your true friends are. Aaron Fong has shown me a whole new serious side to him. Ha. Kind of hard to believe but true. I'm grateful for the little things like this, at least.
Rationally, I know things like this are unavoidable in life and that it's part of growing up, but really, who wants to deal with everything in a go?
--Xiang An at 11:38 PM
Friday, January 23, 2009
Reunion
The Sec1 Orientation Campfire was awesome. It definitely reminded me of how much fun I had in SJI in the past 4 years, especially sitting up in the gallery with the guys from 433 :)
It really showed what SJI has given to our lives, a spirit of community unrivalled by that of any other school. A sense of brotherhood that has grown among Josephians throughout their lives in SJI and indeed, continuing even after we've graduated. Like the emcees said - "Once a Josephian, always a Josephian". I doubt any of us would forget the good times we had in SJI, unless of course we get Alzheimer's or Parkinson's disease in the future.
It was really fun, hanging at the third floor corridor, watching the campfire and singing along with all my friends again - Zack, Ruizhi, George, Blauw, Hao Pu, JP, Tim Chua, Jun Teng, Delvin. Especially Zack, singing his sick versions of the songs. And all of us poking fun at the emcees saying stupid jokes. Standing on the ledge to sing the school songs and even starting Hail hail all the way up from the third floor. Although it failed when we were repeating the song a second time. The best moment for me was when all of us up there remembered to sing the entire second verse of We are Lasallian when the whole school started singing "We are one" instead after the first half. Epic fail much?
Even Mr Ho came back, although we (Jia Lei, Shannon, Tseng and I) didn't recognise him at first because he looked very different. I think it was the new specs. Ha.
It was real fun hanging out and talking to the scouts again. Especially Imran, who's matured a little since he stepped up. I won't deny he still gets quite annoying. I guess the new batch of PLs have done quite a bit of growing up after they've assumed the mantle of leadership. I'd like to say that they were doing quite a good job coordinating for the campfire, although some of them did ruin that impression for me a little. All in all, good job guys!
I had originally planned to go to SJI today for the CNY celebrations, but the campfire sapped a lot of my energy and I ended up sleeping till 11am.
Privilege of not having school yet :D
Although CNY is really depressing this year for me, cause whenever I think about it I get reminded of posting results coming out the following week. I know God has a plan for each of us and I can't change or choose where I want to go from here on, but the suspense of not knowing is killing me. I do plan to distract myself with all the festivities and food though :)
--Xiang An at 12:36 PM
It sucks.
It sucks to be so close, knowing this is as far as I'll go It sucks to be happy around you, Knowing this is as good as it gets. It sucks to be right beside you, Feeling a world apart from your heart. It sucks to be friend with you, Feeling how I do about you.
Wrote this 5 minutes ago and it describes just how I feel about her. Knowing all this but wondering if she still remembers what I told her back then. Knowing she only sees me as a close friend and nothing more, when I can see us being so much more than that.
I hate this feeling. I don't like to be all emo and crap, but I can't help feeling this way whenever I think about her. And I think about her too much. Moving on with my life was hard till I met her - I suddenly had someone I could really talk to about everything, confide in without being judged but it sucks to know that's all it'll ever be.
"Maybe someday" is what some corner of my mind keeps repeating to me, but is that just some foolish hope?
--Xiang An at 1:11 AM
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Anticipation.
That's what I'm feeling for tomorrow. I'm heading back to SJI for the Orientation Campfire! I wonder how it feels like to be observing the campfire from an alumnus' perspective.
I can still remember the excitement I felt during sec1. The songs and items we watched, although I couldn't really hear what the PSLs were saying during theirs. Haha. And 104's lousy luck to be seated downwind of the firepit, which meant we were all getting smoke in our eyes. That killed the last part of the campfire for me - I was too busy crying thanks to the smoke.
This year? Going back as a Josephian who has graduated will definitely be a refreshing experience. Watching the new generation of Josephians around the campfire and watch them grow into the culture that has created not a school - but a family. Wondering if the results obtained by my batch is going to be surpassed by the following generations of Josephians.
It was just 9 days ago that the principal announced the class of 2008 had attained the best GCE 'O' Level results in SJI history and the roar of triumph we gave that filled the hall later. Will the same be said for the following batches of graduants in the years to come? It's an interesting thought to consider, for me. On one hand I'd like to know my batch was the best SJI has seen in its 157 years of history and that it will remain that way, on the other I'd like to think SJI will continue to do better. Some may say this a strange way of thinking but what the hell. :)
Back to the subject of the campfire, I'm wondering if I should go back in the afternoon and see the scouts do the preparations. Although I have this feeling that someone is going to do something stupid (which always happens when you're talking about 04 Pelandok). Those scouts who wish to refute this point should go take a look at the scouts video Daryl posted on facebook :)
Which reminds me, didn't someone say we should use that video for orientation? It shows people we're stupid but hey, let those sec1s know scouts do all sorts of (stupid) random stuff that just brings loads of laughter even after you think about it a few days/weeks/months/years down the road. I know I still have a good laugh whenever I remember some of the stupid shit my batch used to do.
We did a lot of stupid stuff over the 4 years in scouts. Throwing cats in tents (actually that was just me xD), burning the rice cause we (coughjialeicough) thought we could cook alone, setting of an explosion of LPG in the kitchen cause we left the gas on too long when other people told us to turn it off first,(again, coughjialeicough) and mention girl's names in the form of a moan in the underground store (do I need to cough again?)
Okay, I think I've proven my point scouts can do some stupid crap. Especially my batch.
The next 39 hours are really going to pass by slowly. My com's full of viruses and I haven't time to do the reformatting so I'm stuck using my mum's notebook and surfing the net for now. Although, I've rediscovered my obsession with Defense games on Newgrounds again. It's weird how I can spend 2-3 hours playing a game where I'm just building towers and watching them kill random monsters trying to attack the castle or whatever.
I know this really shows how much of a life I have, but I'm bored and nobody's free to go out for a game of pool or a movie, and I'm basically broke, so I have to rely on my parents for money, which is a difficult problem to tackle since I also have to convince them to buy me a pair of shoes and new pairs of jeans for the CNY holiday coming next week (right before posting results come out, wonderful timing!). Basically I'm going to have to really consider where I want my parents to allocate their budget for expenditure on my side to go. Outings or new clothes? Hm.
I basically spent an entire hour typing this whole post cause I have nothing better to do at 3am in the morning and I'm not sleepy. (Actually I would be practising my electric guitar but that would wake up the whole block.)
--Xiang An at 2:16 AM
Monday, January 19, 2009
With the JAE exercise over, the tensions at home are finally gone. I ended up placing SAJC first and CJC second. I still didn't want to go to AJC, personally cause the environment there didn't really appeal to me. To each his own I guess.
My dad was understanding and let me make my own choices, although at first he suggested I put AJC second to "appease" my mum. In the end, I told him it was my JAE and that mum shouldn't be dictating what choice I put and let me make my own decisions. I did take into consideration what all my relatives suggested, and I do agree that despite CJC having a similar culture and environment to SJI, we have to move out of our comfort zones and have a change of environment.
Having made that choice, I was kind of apprehensive, wondering what God had in store for me. I was quite surprised when later on when I went out with Leonard, Kaiying and Xiu Hui that Kaiying applied for SAJC as well, as well as Delvin and Joan. I guess God is telling me I won't be alone and that I'll have friends I can count on even in a strange environment. This episode really had me reflecting and I guess I've matured a little more with the experience.
I don't know what the 2 years ahead in JC will be like for me, but I'll face them with a confidence the God has His plans for me and that I'll never walk alone.
On a lighter note, I've been listening to a few songs by Hinder recently and they've been stuck in my head, cause I can relate to those songs in a way, I guess.
Take Me Home Tonight - Hinder
Without You - Hinder
--Xiang An at 12:03 AM
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Dad didn't work today, so he took me to have a look at AJ and SAJC.
AJ was kind of unimpressive. The school had a very quiet (ie, boring) atmosphere.
SAJC was different though. The school campus is new and gave a very cosy and warm feeling to the environment.
So we came back and saw Ryan coming up as well! :D He let dad carry him, first time he's brave enough to do that. My dad really terrifies kids. Haha. Ate lunch and discussed the choices for JC. Although dad wanted me to put AJ as second choice, I insisted on putting it as third choice after CJ. He said mum wasn't going to be happy but I said it was my future and mum should accept me for who I am and not who she wants me to be. So he agreed to let me to the choices my way.
After that I went to Plaza Sing to meet with Leonard, Kaiying and Xiu Hui. We went to watch the Haunting of Molly Hartley. Stupid movie, although the girls were huddling together through all the scary scenes. Leonard and I were feeling kind of sian cause the movie wasn't really that scary (to us guys). It's PG13 after all..
The movie started at 4.55pm so we went to play pool at Meridien first. By playing, I mean Leonard and I played while Xiu Hui and Kaiying watched. Asked them to join in but they didn't want to. Haha.
So after that walked around trying to help Leonard decide on a birthday gift to buy for his friend. He ended up not buying anything and we all went home. Haha.
--Xiang An at 9:45 PM
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Do parents have the right to decide your life?
Apparently, my parents think this way. Despite my mother telling me that she's "quite happy" with my results and that she'll "support" me no matter what I get, I'm getting grief over my decision to go to CJC.
What is up with the hypocrisy? Is showing your support not respecting my choices? Or is it just pure ego, that I'm not growing up to be the son they hoped I would be? Is this some desperate attempt to make me the "son they always wanted"? Why can't they accept my decision, it's MY life and MY future, not theirs, I should be the one deciding, not them! I wish they would let the matter rest. Just because they heard rumours about the girls there being sluts and CJC having high abortion rates, doesn't mean I'm condemned to become like that as well. And seriously, have they taken a good look in the mirror? Did they really think their son is capable of even getting a second look from a girl? I don't even think that's a valid argument anymore.
Please, stop trying to mould me into the person you want me to be. It's my life, let me live it by my own rules, not yours. I understand they want me to be the best that I can be, but it's becoming suffocating when I can't even make my own decisions.
Or is this God's way of telling me He doesn't want me in CJC? I don't know and right now, I don't really care. I'm left with 3 days to make a decision that's going to affect the rest of my life. I don't think there's ever enough time to make such a decision.
If only God sent clear SMSes or made phone calls. Life would be so much easier to figure out.
It's enough that I didn't make the cut for ACJC, but why does everyone in my family have to make it so complicated for me to choose a school I want to go to? Seriously, no 16 year old should ever have to face this kind of pressure. I'm stuck between two choices - going to a JC that will make my family "proud" of me but leave me feeling unhappy and upset for my two years there, or going to a JC that I want to and hearing objections from my relatives and possibly, becoming a source of shame for my parents. How am I supposed to make such a decision?
--Xiang An at 9:07 PM
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Irony
that my sis takes my free ticket and ends up going to cathay instead of GV to watch Ponyo. Haha.
Service today was great. Really helped me prepare to get my results tomorrow, in a sense that I know what's done is done, and that no matter how many points I get, it's God's plans for me. Like we've been quoting from the Bible the past few weeks, that God doesn't seek to harm us, but to prosper us. Well I guess no matter what the outcome of my O Levels is, I'll face it with an open mind and just do my best no matter which JC/Poly I end up in.
Then I had to rush down to Mayfair to celebrate Ryan's birthday. I got there and most of the food was gone. I guess I was lucky I decided to eat at mac's before going. Ryan went to play bowling. Haha. At 2 years old! It was kind of cute cause he kept picking the blue balls, placing them on the floor and then saying "Deng Yi Xia" cause his previous ball was still rolling (at snail speed) towards the pins. Haha. It took like 15 minutes for him to get coaxed upstairs.
After Ryan left, I took over the lane. Kind of boring playing bowling alone, but it was good practice since I haven't played in a while. My skills were to godly for the machine and all the balls and pins got stuck at the back instead of resetting.
After that was dinner at ah ma's house, celebrating Ming Ye's birthday. 2 cousins celebrating birthdays on the same day. Hm. Beckie from Trinity had her birthday today too. Weird coincidences?
Basically my whole day has been spent outside and now my socks stink from all the walking I did. Guess it's time to go shower and dump my laundry in the wash. Haha.
--Xiang An at 8:45 PM
Alright I've cooled down now. Decided to just let my sis have the tickets. Still feel it's unfair, but what the hell. I'll just get more money from Dad since the voucher includes free popcorn. Meaning I should get more than $6! Haha. I'm one evil ass.
I just did something really stupid but it's too late to undo it now. Not giving details but let's just say I broke my promise to myself to ignore the temptation to look back. Sigh. Why can't I do the mature thing at the right time? When other people need help I give them advice that's actually sensible but when I'm the one with the problem I do the stupid things. Why do I insist on living a paradox?
Okay, enough with the randomness. I have completely no idea what I'm typing. Anyone who's reading this probably realised it too xD I guess this is what happens when you're awake at midnight and have nothing better to do. My brain is on "Type the first random crap that pops up" mode. Or as put in an extremely complex expression: The use of rhetoric to obscure a lack of content. In simple terms: bullshitting.
Wow, I actually made an entire paragraph on randomness. That's got to be a record. I'm like typing gibberish now. Cool. Kind of reminds me of how Bella narrates in Twilight. Except I'm not talking about some girl's looks. Haha. Or maybe I should. Hm.
Okay, I'll stop the retarded typing. Time to go satisfy my craving for sex instant noodles.
--Xiang An at 12:08 AM
Saturday, January 10, 2009
"Give your sis your free ticket."
"Go wash the dishes."
"Go buy lunch"
What am I? A fucking maid in my own house? The first line pissed me off the most. Fuck, it was given to ME so it should be MY CHOICE whether I want to give it away or not. Apparently I don't have the right to say no to giving it away. I'm living with fucking fascists.
Did they care that I said I promised the tickets to my friends? No. Then they paid 6 bucks, like that's going to ERASE THE FUCKING UNFAIRNESS.
I no longer have a home, just a house that I eat and sleep in. Can't wait to get a house of my own.
--Xiang An at 7:06 PM
Thursday, January 08, 2009
Haven't blogged in a while. Although it's not like I have a lot to blog about.
New Year's Eve
Mum went to Kl and Penang with her friends till Sunday, so we didn't really have any celebrations of any sort. So I took Joel up on his invitation to the Night Watch Service at Trinity Christian Centre at Paya Lebar.
We went for dinner nearby and reached there like an hour early but still had to queue up to get in. Even then, we had to give up seats for the adults and sit on the stairs. Wasn't so bad but I was stuck in front of a group of kids so it was kind of distracting with them playing games behind me.
We counted down to the new year and at the same time asked God in prayer to help us through certain areas of our lives in 2009. I know one thing I need a miracle in - my O results. I had this dream where I got 15 points and that just freaked me out. I hope that wasn't a premonition from God or anything, although I probably deserve it I got that many points.
After that we were trying to get all the way back to CCK (Jelapang LRT for me), which took a good 2 hours. Reached home around 3 plus am. Late. Tze Yang sent me a happy new year sms at 2plus am. Kind of late huh, Tze Yang? Then when I replied to his message, I got a reply just as I was about to sleep. Nice timing. Ignored it till I woke up the next morning xD
I hate my alarm for waking me up at 8.30 the next morning =/ I needed sleep so badly and my alarm ruined it for me >( Guess it's my own fault for not turning it off. Haha.
Basically kind of boring after that.
Sunday, 4 Jan 2009
I went to Trinity with Joel for the first service of the year (and my life? haha). Was kind of intimidated by everyone jumping up and down with the songs. Although spending the morning in carecell wasn't so bad. It was kind of cool actually.
Went to eat Mc's at Serene Centre and headed home after that. Both dad and sis commented that it was strange for me to suddenly wake up and go to church on sunday instead of sleeping till lunch time like I usually do xD
Class Chalet, 5 Jan - 6 Jan 09
Went to class chalet with the 204 guys. We were supposed to meet up at Pasir Ris MRT Station at 12, but like the time in sec 2, people were late again. Soo came at like 12.45 and the rest around 1 plus. We waited past 2pm before we decided those latecomers weren't going to show and we headed off to the chalet. Soo supposedly left earlier to get the keys and everything but we still ended up getting there earlier than he did.
We had mr Chicken Rice for Dinner. Then Soo, Sean, Leo and I went to play pool. $9 per hour at Downtown East! That was freaking expensive, not to mention the balls and sticks were kind of low quality. That didn't sound right, but what the hell. Won 2 games, one against Sean and another against Soo. Got trashed by Leo though. He's very good at pool apparently.
Went back the the chalet to play poker, mahjong and some other guys played Risk. We finished our sparkling juice and chips within an hour? Haha. That was like 30 bucks down the drain in one shot.
I finally learned how to play mahjong! :D Played with Leo, Tim and Ray. We switched players around now and then but it was still kind of fun.
Our chalet was.. small. Thankfully only 12 of us were staying over. Even then it was a tight fit. 5 guys on the floor, 4 guys on the bed. The rest had to go downstairs. Some people even migrated in the middle of night. It was freaking cold in the room with the aircon on and no blankets after all. I was on the bed :D But sleeping beside Sean so it was kind of freaky when his arm just whacked me in the side in the middle of the night.
We ended up sleeping till 10.30am. Although it wasn't surprising cause we played past 5 am in the morning.
Went to eat lunch at Burger King. Ordered a double whopper which ended up making me quite full. Then we went to Pasir Ris Park to play volleyball. I saw Ashleigh and Kaiying there! Haha. They were cycling around and ignored me although I waved. Just to provoke Ky I called out "Hi Leonard." I think she didn't hear me though. Haha.
After that we went cycling for 2 hours. I tried doing a wheelie and ended up with the bike chains going off the gears. Had to stop and fix it, turned my hands black. Luckily there was no permanent damage, although I don't think the rental guy would've noticed it xD
After cycling we started the barbecue. I was sunburnt from the cycling trip, so I hid inside until the sun was gone. Haha. Ate and played a round of poker with Soo, Julius, Ben Chin and Sean. We played with money, although we did stop eventually when our money was low. I went in with $1.40 and finished with about $4 :D I am the King of Gambling. Fear me, mortals!
Now my goal for Chinese New Year is to win at least $10 off each game I play :D Putting my magician talents to good use *evil smile*
--Xiang An at 3:39 PM