Sunday, February 03, 2013

When you're just too smart

That's how I've been feeling recently, regarding my feelings towards an old friend. Even talking to my cell leader reflected this - she pointed out as much that I had pretty much considered everything there is. That's my undoing - I over-think, over-analyse, and my brain gets stuffed with too much information to make a proper choice, a proper plan of action.

She did bring up a valid point question, and one I never asked myself: "Are you ready to be the spiritual head of the relationship, if there is one?"

It's a thought provoking question, to say the least. My honest answer was yes and no. In theory, I know what's expected of me, I know what I should do, how I should do it. Practice is an entirely different matter altogether, as I've proven to myself many times in the past.

You've been impulsive once. You didn't listen to your gut that time and look how things turned out. Look how you corrupted a Christian girl into falling to your level That's always been my go to argument whenever I find myself tempted to act on my feelings without thought. The lessons on what could happen if the relationship isn't godly isn't just something church leaders and pastors drum into me through sermons and cell group sharings - I've lived it, experienced it, felt the pain, guilt and shame. It's haunted me for years. Still haunts me, at times.

It's why I'll wait. Either this thing is God telling me she's the one, or it's not. The answer lies in God, not in her.

The funny thing about all this is, the fear isn't about rejection - or that things will turn out badly. Guys are used to rejection. We consider that as the girl's response before reciprocation. The problem lies when the girl accepts our feelings. While praying through this, the verses that jumped out at me while reading the Bible seemed to point towards a positive response, and that scared me more than anything. I was used to "no, she's not the one". After all, all that entails is distracting myself and not acting on my feelings, and I'll forget them in time.

When God is prodding you towards someone, when He seems to putting you two together, that's when you get terrified. Can I be the kind of man God expects me to be? Will I treat her right? Can I lay aside all my baggage and make this work? So many questions come to paralyse you, to make you lose sight and perspective. Above this noise, God's only answer to your questions is "Trust Me." Nothing else. No action plan, no schedule, no hints. Just "Trust Me." Is that enough? I hope so.

So many things in my life remain uncertain - and I trust God knows the next step, that He holds my future, but how can I rush in blind, deaf and without any intelligence? It's a suicide mission. So I'll just keep praying, keep seeking answers from Him, and I won't stop until I have them.

After all, what Christian man can be the head of a relationship if God isn't heading him?

8-8-8

On another note, I've started writing again. There are so many worlds, characters and stories in my head that I have to release some of them, let them free through writing them down so they stop making so much noise in my head.

The latest one I've been working on will probably be called a SAO clone, but I don't really care at this point. The characters I've been writing needed a setting to come to life, and I came up with one that allows me to do just that. Fanfiction lets me be lazy on the part of writing a new world, but it's quite restricting. Actually working on my own stuff... it's helping exorcise my own inner demons, or at least locking them somewhere for good.

A pray for clarity, for wisdom to do the right thing, to do Your will. Most of all, a prayer that my eyes will always look to You first.
--Xiang An at 9:54 PM