Closed lips she was never one to kiss and tell
Those trips in the summer never went so well
Young love was such dumb love.
Call it what you want it was still enough.
And it's still out of my reach
It's still all of the things I want in my life
How could I ask you to leave me?
And we were just kids in love
The summer was full of mistakes we wouldn't learn
The first kiss stole the breath from my lips
Why did the last one tear us apart?
....
Her smile with the wind blowing through her hair
Was so contagious in the air
So satisfying
And I'm still smiling.
=====
When it's going good it's going great,
I'm Superman with the wind in his back,
She's Lois Lane
...
Now i know we said things, did things, that we didn’t mean
And we fall back into the same patterns, same routine
But your temper’s just as bad as mine is, you’re the same as me
When it comes to love you’re just as blinded
Baby please come back, it wasn’t you, baby it was me
Maybe our relationship isn’t as crazy as it seems
Maybe that’s what happens when a tornado meets a volcano
All i know is i love you too much to walk away though
Come inside, pick up the bags off the sidewalk
Don’t you hear sincerity in my voice when i talk?
Told you this is my fault, look me in the eyeball
Next time i’m pissed ill aim my fist at the drywall
Next time? There won’t be no next time
I apologize even though i know its lies
I’m tired of the games i just want her back
I know i’m a liar
If she ever tries to fuckin’ leave again
I’ma tie her to the bed and set this house on fire
--Xiang An at 9:56 PM
Friday, August 27, 2010
Still trying to push on
It seems when the devil has found a foothold to discourage you, he won't stop bringing on the attacks.
Ever since I found myself slowly losing the morale to continue on in SFC, I've been getting more and more melancholic when I find myself unoccupied. "The Older I Get" is one song from Skillet that I've been listening to a lot lately, and those of you who know the lyrics can probably guess what that song is going to remind me of.
I honestly can't say the wound still hurts. Rather it's opened up a bunch of other wounds that are out of my capacity to do anything about. This insecurity around the opposite gender. Or maybe just the general public.
I don't know, I'm at odds with everything my peers like. I'm a geek who follows the latest video games, delves into the lore of awesome games like StarCraft and Dragon Age, and I like to read up on the many crazy aspects of the world we live in. So when I'm with my classmates or different groups of people, I end up being darn quiet and just being invisible.
I think it's come to a point where my invisibility almost makes me non-existent to others.
It sucks though, but perhaps it's just another lesson in being comfortable with who I am and learning to love myself the way God does. Hmm.
I just learned that StarCraft costs about $110 in Sing... Crap. It costs RM190-200 ish in Malaysia, perhaps I should just get it then?
Grah. I guess I'm just saving up for my riot gloves and Nerf Stampede when it comes.
Oh, and for Assassin's Creed Brotherhood :)
I'll get Wings of Liberty as a Christmas present from one of my relatives or something.. xD
Or if God somehow decides to be very nice to me and help me get the money in some way within the next 2 months xD (which I highly doubt). Yes, if you're wondering, I'm imagining God dropping a copy of the game on my desk secretly in the night to prove me wrong xD
If only. Sigh.
--Xiang An at 11:38 PM
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
There is no such thing as a lone hero.
Name me one person who managed to do great thing without help.
None.
If the soldiers don't take pride in their calling, there's no one who can rally them to the cause. So I'm done trying. I don't give a fuck anymore. Let SFC fall apart if that's what the new batch wants.
This is the generation what will go out and do God's work? Who are we kidding. What we give is out of convenience. What we do is only if we have the time to spare. Let's study for promos, who wants to plan for SFC time?
I'm tired of caring.
I keeping asking God, "Why am I still trying? Can I really help rally the J1s together?" I keep praying, "Lord, won't You ignite that passion within each of us? That sense of pride, that discipline in putting Your will first?"
Yet... It seems God hasn't replied, or doesn't want to. Or is He leaving those answers up to us? If He is, I hate to see where we're headed.
Can I honestly still push on? Any self-encouragement seems to fall flat, any words I have to remind myself to continue pressing on and trusting in God's plans seems hollow... Am I expecting too much? Or are our attitudes really that bad?
I'm drained. I'm tired of asking the same questions over and over again and not being able to come to satisfactory conclusion.
I give up. It's the only thing I've got left to give.
--Xiang An at 6:20 PM
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Kingdom of Heaven
Yup, rewatched Kingdom of Heaven again. Memorable moments of the movie:
[SPOILER ALERT] <<< Although it's been 5 years, you probably have watched the movie by now, if not GO WATCH IT.
[Godfrey to Bailan on his deathbed]
Do you know... what lies in the Holy Land?
A new world.
A man who, in France, had not a house...
is, in the Holy Land,the master of a city.
He, who was the master of a city, begs in the gutter.
There, at the end of the world...
you are not what you were born...
but what you have it in yourself to be.
(Bailan)
I hope to find forgiveness, that's all I know.
(Godfrey)
Whatever your position, you are of my house, and that means you will serve the king of Jerusalem.
(Bailan)
What could a king ask of a man like me?
(Godfrey)
A better world than has ever been seen.
A kingdom of conscience.
A kingdom of heaven.
[Hospitaller to Balian]
By the word "religion"...
I've seen the lunacy of fanatics of every denomination be called the will of God.
I've seen too much religion in the eyes of too many murderers.
Holiness...
is in right action...
and courage on behalf of those who cannot defend themselves.
And goodness-
what God desires-
is here (head) and here (heart).
By what you decide to do every day,you will be a good man.
Or not. (smiles)
[The king to Balian]
A king may move a man.
A father may claim a son.
That man can also move himself.
And only then does that man truly begin his own game.
Remember, how so ever you are played...
or by whom, your soul is in your keeping alone...
even though those who presume to play you be kings or men of power.
When you stand before God, you cannot say...
"But I was told by others to do thus''...
or that virtue was not convenient at the time.
This will not suffice.
Remember that.
[The sign hanging in Balian's shop, in foreign language]
What does that say?
"What man is a man who does not make the world better?"
[Priest, upon seeing that Jerusalem will fall]
Convert to Islam! Repent later!
(Balian)
You've taught me a lot about religion, your Eminence.
[Balian to Saladin, after surrendering the city]
What is Jerusalem worth?
(Saladin)
Nothing.
Everything.
[Balian, to the crowd]
I have surrendered Jerusalem.
All will be safely escorted to the sea.
(looking at the carnage)
If this is the kingdom of heaven...
let God do with it as he wills.
[Balian to Sibylla]
Your brother's kingdom was here(head)... and here(heart).
That kingdom can never be surrendered. (smiles)
[Nasir to Bailan]
If God does not love you, how could you have done the things you have done?
Yes... It's one of my favourite movies. Orlando Bloom might appear to be playing as the knight/archer/pirate that has to kill loads of people to win and save the day, but thankfully this isn't the case. Here he plays a real character who gets injured and defeated, and has to think his way through battles just as much as he fights. Even when Bailan is giving his addresses to his men urging them to fight it's never a cheesy impersonation of William Wallace. He doesn't preach freedom or unity or immortality, he makes it clear that these people are fighting for their lives and that's it.
One of the rare, really good films I enjoy watching (over and over again) :D
It gives a lot of food for though, but it's late, I'm tired so I'll leave my thoughts to the next post.
--Xiang An at 10:27 PM
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Being thankful
Learning to be content with what I have...
It's not easy, there's so many things I wish I had the money or the time to buy or do. Yet today's sermon reminded me to take a step back and really be thankful for whatever the Lord has given me even though there is much else I yearn for.
I get enough pocket money that I can probably save up more than enough to buy the things I want in a matter of weeks, when there are kids who can't even go to school or spend the money they earn through their hard work.
Despite having so much work and wishing I didn't have to deal with school, there are children who don't even have a chance to go to school and get an education.
My parents, despite being non-Christians, are totally open to the fact that I am a Christian, when others have had their parents persecute them for their faith. For that matter, other Christians are being persecuted to the point of imprisonment or death in some part of the world.
If we just take some time to count our blessings, we'll see that everything we have is more than enough, and everything we don't have is just a luxury. Like Jem said today, we can choose to be thankful to God for His providence and protection in our lives or we can keep asking for more. And seeing that He already paid in full for our sins on the Cross with His life, how can we ask for more?
So no matter what, I will choose to be thankful, whether I am in need or in plenty.
This is going to seem hypocritical to some people... but NERF SPECTRE IS COMING TO BLACK TACT THIS WEEK :D
Although I'm still saving up to buy StarCraft 2... Darn =/
=====
It's tough... trying to forget things that have happened to you in the past. Especially if you still feel as if you're the one at fault. Yeah, she's been on my mind quite a bit lately, but that's just because it's August in general. For those who don't know... the reason why August reminds me of her:
1. Her birthday is on August 3rd.
2. I confessed to her on 23rd August
3. We broke up in the eighth month of our relationship (and August is ...)
Well, kind of stupid reasons when you think about it, but lately the burden's been lighter... almost non-existent at times. On Friday, during cell, I could make fun of something stupid (and sinful... though no one picks that up when you joke about it) we did back then and it didn't sting. Perhaps learning to be open and honest about it, being able to laugh about does take away some of the hurt.
Not to mention the advice from Pearl and Ms Lam (the school counsellor) which helped me see things clearly. I was pretty angsty about my decisional deadlock between trying to get back in touch with her via a birthday message 2 weeks ago... but then Pearl asked me this simple question when I told her:
"If you contact her, are you ready to deal with the consequences/results?"
The honest answer was no, as I mentioned in a previous blog entry... but then Ms Lam helped me see things a bit more clearly:
27 days to promos *as of today* - Bad timing, even if it wasn't a bad idea.
After promos - IF I still have the desire to contact her, then let God take care of it. If He does "let" or intend for us to get back together, then we will (as friends... I don't think I can handle anything more than that). Besides, He's probably not going to say "yes" to this until I'm ready to just be friends... until He has scourged any and all thoughts of me getting attached to anyone other than the girl He chooses and at any time other than the timing He has planned.
So right now... God is just simply telling me, "Patience, young Padawan."
But if He doesn't want us to... then just move on. God's got greater - better - things in store for me, if history is anything to go by. He'll restore the broken past into a second chance, something beautiful, and without regret.
I've just got to embrace the light and stop being afraid of my shadows... God's light will erase them, or at least keep my eyes straight on His path and not on where my shadows are.
I can't move on if I keep looking back... So I'm just going to focus on the battles ahead, and take one step at a time.
--Xiang An at 8:43 PM
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
I NEED A MOBILE PYLON.
Drained, lethargic and in a total mood of I-don't-care-about-my-responsibilities-I-need-to-sleep-right-now.
Fell asleep for about 10 minutes in math lecture, Mr Kumar spotted me and asked me about it in math tutorial... I apologised, though my first reaction was to reply sarcastically when he pointed out my badge. I seriously thank God for helping keep myself in check today.
Another lesson in humility and discipline. More long days ahead. Sigh. The only thought keeping me going for this week? "NERF RAIDER ON FRIDAY!!!!"
I really hate this "I have a badge so I cannot be a human" thing. Yes, I'm SFC exco, but I get exhausted too ... Plus despite my tiredness, I was still ahead of the lecture and noticed the glaring mistake of filling "-1" for the example when it should've been "1". So I'm kind of thankful my brain was still functioning......... at least in the morning.
I am on total zombie mode now ): I need to sleep. Don't think I'll try to revise for Econs MSA tomorrow... Anemia from blood donation isn't help either. I wish I was powered by a fusion core or something -.-
I should start stocking up on adrenalin/caffeine syringes.
Okay I'm seriously at my limits now. I'm going to end my post here before my sentences start becoming incoherent.
--Xiang An at 8:50 PM
Wednesday, August 04, 2010
Life 180
Title basically sums a lot of things up.
A lot of changes in my life are happening, and perhaps it's just God moving me on to a new season in life.
Yesterday, 3rd August, was my ex's birthday. I was tempted to send her birthday message (and hoping that we could have some closure to the way things turned out) but in the end I decided not to. Pearl was a great help in making that decision, she said the one thing I wasn't willing (or honest enough with myself) to admit - was I ready to deal with the result or consequence of contacting her again? For both the positive and negative responses I anticipated, I knew I'm not ready for either of them.
So what if we go back to being friends again? Part of me, the sinful nature, already wishes I could have what I had with her again, and I'm honest enough to admit it's not because I "love" her or about her at all. Being friends and communicating with her again would only make the temptation stronger.
If she had ignored or told me to piss off again, I'd just get wounded again knowing that I might never get that closure ever.
"Wait... How is that better than not sending her the message?"
I don't know, perhaps it just takes the courage to let it go and not to look back. She's my Sarah Marshall, and I have move on, even if I will never forget her. Yet in another 3 weeks will be the date I confessed to her (I blame my good memory for remembering these dates... argh.) I'm hoping I don't get tempted to do something stupid again, but at the same time I'm resolved to see this through to the end. To always walk away when I'm tempted to try and turn back to who I was and wanting what I had then... Hopefully in time the sting will be gone from the wound even if scars remain.
=====
Church
Decided to move over to COR after a period of praying and thinking about it... I believe it's the direction the Lord is leading me in and since I've sort of stagnated in Trinity, perhaps it's best for me to move on. Discussed things with Jem and I'm letting him know my decision tomorrow.
=====
SFC
Sigh. The first month serving on the exco has been... tough. Refer to my last post for some of the things that have been happening. Add that on to the things I have to deal with as a student and this being the MSA period, and you have one really strapped for time and tired out kid. God's been good to me though, NAPFA training for now seems to have been placed on hold for Ultimate Frisbee, which removes one source of exhaustion.
CMW is coming along... not as well as I had hoped, but I'm not one to decide. Ultimately it's up to the Lord to make of it what He sees. Admittedly, there hasn't been a very united effort to get things done right, but I'm going to give it time for the working dynamics to be put in place and I'll be praying fervently for God to ignite that sense of belief within each and every member again...
=====
Chem MSA - I feel kind of guilty for finding it easy although I didn't study... xP
--Xiang An at 8:15 PM