I wish I could live by the lyrics "I don't care what the world throws at me now, I'm gonna be alright", but I don't feel like I can right now. Bleargh.
--Xiang An at 5:28 PM
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Musings
Ever wonder whether God has a detailed step by step plan of our lives even before we're born or He just makes things up as they go along?
I kind of think it's a mix of both, like He has this plan where He sees us at our fullest potential, but He makes changes to the plan along the way with the different decisions we make in our lives.
This was brought up when I thought about the talk in Kelvin's car last night. More specifically, I was wondering, "Does God already have everything planned out in detail, including who we marry and such, or does He change that plan when we decide on someone/something else from the original plan?"
Sometimes, I feel like God is just playing a really, really cool version of Sims or something.
--Xiang An at 9:40 PM
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Blue Green Red
Took a ride to Bukit Batok MRT in Kelvin's car... Discussed Pearl's "scandalous" life along the way and heard some cool insights about BGR.
Guess it's kind of interesting to hear a fellow sister's opinions on BGR and such, and it's put some of the things that've been on my mind at rest too. The "revelation", and the lines I've drawn. I've been scrutinising those lines, wondering if they are drawn in the right places, and how far would I go before I had considered myself to have crossed those lines?
I don't know, my plan from last year still stands - that till God tells me it's time to change ships, from friend to court (lame pun.. xD), it's my walk with Him that matters and I'll never let myself be caught in a situation where I may cross those lines that I've drawn.
I guess I now have an explanation for my recent "depression". I'm trying to take on a lot - SP course in church, planning for chapel, studies, that certain issue with that certain girl and being a good testimony for my OG (which starts tomorrow!) and somewhere in the back of my mind I keep wondering, "Do I have the energy to run the race on so many fronts?"
The answer was always that I cannot, not without God's strength anyway. I guess I have to take care of God's work and trust that He's taking care of mine. Maybe I'm just afraid I'll burnout all too soon, but hey, I won't know till I try, right?
--Xiang An at 9:23 PM
Sunday, January 24, 2010
I'm feeling weak and defeated, totally drained, as if I can't take another step... I need You to hold me up.
--Xiang An at 10:50 PM
Cryptic Talk
When all is said and done, Will we still feel pain inside? Will the scars go away with night? Try to smile for the morning light It's like the best dream to have, Where everything is not so bad Where every tear is so alone Like God Himself is coming home to say
I... I can do anything If you want me here I can fix anything If you'll let Me near Where are those secrets now? That you're too scared to tell I'll whisper them all aloud So you can hear yourself
...
I'm sorry I have to say it but you look like you're sad Your smile is gone, I've noticed it bad The cure is if you let in a little more love, I promise you this, a little's enough
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I see the stars they're in your eyes A playful kiss; can you tell I'm excited? A fast escape in the nick of time, You lost your wish can I help you find it? I'm on my knee, just one to start A fresh new start, don't be undecided If love's a word, that you say Then say it, I will listen.
--Xiang An at 6:34 PM
:(
If there's so much I must be, can I still just be me?
--Xiang An at 9:25 AM
Friday, January 22, 2010
Laughter
Jolene: Is Lester playing in the match? Chris: Yeah. Jolene: So Brenda is watching? Me: No, she's got prayer and fast meeting what. Jolene: (laughing) So sad, Brenda cannot go support her boyfriend. Me: You're so mean! Laughing at your friend for not being able to support her boyfriend ): What's wrong with that? I didn't complain when my girlfriend didn't come for my CCA events, don't think Lester will. Jolene: You have a girlfriend? Chris: Yeah, I'm his girlfriend. Me: No, he's my wife. No wait, mistress. My wife is at home. Jolene: Your wife is at home? Han Yu: Stephanie! Jolene: Who's Stephanie? Han Yu: His guitar. Jolene: You name your guitar as a girl? Me: Yeah, most guys do that, and treat their guitars as their girlfriends. Girls will treat their guitars as boyfriends also what. Jolene: Oh really? Then I will treat my most prized possessions as my boyfriends also... Like my bio notes.
(15 minutes later, when we have to leave the Mentors' Room)
Jolene: Okay, I'll go watch the match! Support Lester on Brenda's behalf. See? I'm a good friend.
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Just now, after dropping Pearl off at her home:
Mom: You know Jacqueline asked me if Xiang An has a girlfriend now, I said "I don't think so" and she asked "What about that time the girl on the car?" I replied, "After that time I don't know if my husband still pick up the both of them together when he goes to pick him up...
(15 minutes later)
Mom: So... that girl's a J2? Me: Yeah... (sighs knowing where conversation is going) Mom: So is she counted as your girlfriend? Me: No... Mom: That's good... If not she J2 you retain then when she graduate already you're still taking A Levels, then after that must go NS...
Nice. Totally great conversation to kill my good mood for today. My mom is the ultimate meanie. ):
--Xiang An at 11:01 PM
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Stupid plot lines
Watched Jennifer's Body today, and it was underwhelming. Don't even know why it's M-18.
--Xiang An at 6:34 PM
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Vanilla Twilight
When violet eyes get brighter, And heavy wings grow lighter, I'll taste the sky and feel alive again And I'll forget the world that I knew But I swear I won't forget you Oh, if my voice could reach back to the past, I'd whisper in your ear, "Oh darling I wish you were here."
I'm feeling... sappy :)
--Xiang An at 8:50 PM
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Learning to say no
Darn, 2 girls just rang on my door to sell ice-cream. Didn't want to buy at first but they kept telling me how I could buy it and eat it with my family and such, I decided to be nice and buy a Cornetto...
Is it every guy's weakness to be unable to reject a girl's request when they're begging you so nicely? ):
--Xiang An at 8:02 PM
Monday, January 18, 2010
GP Essay...
Don't ask me how I brought Christianity into a GP essay on fashion being frivolos and unnecessary.
Meh, rewrote the whole thing in the end just so I sound a bit more coherent and less "I'm writing while sleepy" xD
There's still a long list of work I have to finish, and everyone else wants me to help with something... I know Christians are supposed to die to ourselves, but this is getting a bit much. I need to learn to say "no" =X
--Xiang An at 5:58 PM
Ignore a douchebag day
Just reached home... in a really bad mood.
There was this SAS idiot who kept giving me a stupid smile, like he had Down's Syndrome or something, and trying to get my attention. I ignored him after the first time, not even making eye contact with him.
One of his friends came to ask me if 966 stopped here. He decided to walk up and ask me, "Do you want to go fishing" and "Are you J2" in his "mocking-Down's-syndrome-patients" tone. Again, didn't react to him.
Guy who asked me if 966 stopped here went to take a seat beside this Cedar girl, their group of friends followed and started chatting. The girl walked off, intimidated, and he went to disturb her as well. Then he walked over with a "whee", in the same douchbag-of-the-year tone. Fixed my eyes on the road looking out for 966 and didn't even look at him. Yet, all the while I was thinking, "Just come close enough for me to punch you, really."
And 966 came... and he got on as well. I was thinking of missing it so I wouldn't have to take the same bus, but decided such morons weren't worth me reaching home later. So I got on, and he decided to do more douchebag actions to other students on the bus.
It's a real miracle I didn't even glare at the guy for so long... I've made a mental note to bring a really big bag of candy to give him the next time and just say "God bless you".
Not to mention my grandmother's on her "say really hurtful things for no reason" streak again. No good deed goes unpunished, huh?
--Xiang An at 3:47 PM
To avoid ponning lessons...
I am going to re-print my timetable...
Physics will be changed to Charms Chemistry will be changed to Potions Maths will be changed to Arithmancy Economics will be changed to Muggle Studies GP will be changed to History of Magic Pe will be changed to Quidditch
Oh, and SFC meetings will be listed as Defense Against the Dark Arts... xD
I feel awesome attending lessons (and SFC) now :D
--Xiang An at 12:11 PM
Sunday, January 17, 2010
You know you're doing EWLC too much when...
You can think of how scenes from Resident Evil and Zombieland can be used while you're watching them.
--Xiang An at 10:59 PM
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Personality Clashes
How come when a guy teases the girls around him he's being an ass, but when girls start it they're being cute?
Bleh.
Still trying to sort out the whole "If I'm quiet I'm being emo, if I'm talking I'm being annoying" issue...
Or maybe I should just shut up and be a ninja.
--Xiang An at 3:38 PM
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Words can never hurt me... yeah right.
I really want to unleash my frustration against my dad for scolding me for "skipping" school today and delaying the doctor's visit till 6-ish. (Alright, the latter's my fault, could've taken time out of watching videos for potential songs to use to go and see the doctor instead), but I think I'm just glad my parents and relatives are still concerned over my studies and my future.
I may not understand why they worry, but hey, knowing they care, it's a start. Nagging, scolding and fretting in my place means they still care about me, and I'm thankful for that, even if it gets on my nerves sometimes. I think I saw this quote some time ago that said, "When no one scolds you for your mistakes, that's when they've given up on you."
They have high hopes for me, they don't want me to repeat my mistakes, that's enough. I think their fears and worries are a bit misplaced, but I know they care :)
Of course, after watching Lion King (after remembering a few songs/scenes actually had God-centred interpretations, I went to watch it online... don't tsk me so quickly! xD), I remember Simba telling Kiara, "Someday, you'll understand"
Maybe someday I'll understand why they worry... For now I'll walk with God and hope this thing cools off... and I don't get a fever tomorrow. (Was really tempted to make sure I got one by making my sickness worse just to prove my parents I'm actually sick... touchwood.)
And of course, staying pissed only makes it harder for me to write a devotion :)
======
Rawr. It means I love you in dinosaur :D
--Xiang An at 9:26 PM
Thank you Disney
Lion King has quite a few usable songs... :D
--Xiang An at 7:10 PM
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Cinderella
So I will dance with Cinderella While she is here in my arms, Cause I know something the prince never knew Oh I will dance with Cinderella I don't want to miss even one song Cause all too soon the clock will strike midnight And she'll be gone.
This song would be perfect if it wasn't so gender biased...
--Xiang An at 10:31 PM
Miracle of the Moment
Not gonna worry about the future, about the "bomb" God dropped on me.
Not gonna worry about the past, about the little hurts I've suffered.
I'm living for the MIRACLE OF THE MOMENT.
=====
Oh and for the 2 Cs who know what I'm talking about, she shares my views on Avatar. Hahaha kind of weird.
--Xiang An at 9:29 PM
Monday, January 11, 2010
All to You
I could try to go off on my own and try to make myself HAPPY, but would I be JOYOUS?
I've searched and came up empty, this world has nothing for me. Jesus is my one and only :)
If I seem high it's cause I just feel so... freed, after laying down all my burdens before Him. After really coming to the conviction that He has plans for me, and that He hasn't forsaken me, that He loves me in spite of all the wrong I've done. I'm slowly learning to worship and glorify Him with everything I have, trusting Him to provide for everything I need when I put Him first. Taking care of His business, having faith that He'll take care of mine in His own way, even if at times it doesn't seem that way to me :)
=====
I was reading the comments on this video while listening, and I laughed. There were people who thought that Lincoln Brewster shouldn't have guitar solos for worship songs, maybe cause it seems like it's an ego move, that it doesn't have anything to do with glorifying God.
Yet I'd find it ironic if he DIDN'T have guitar solos. After all, the chorus goes "Not holding back, but every part, I'm giving it all to You", how can he be honest with those words if he doesn't use EVERY PART of his guitar skills God has given him to glorify Him in his playing, solos included? I don't know about you, but to me, guitar solos in worship songs are no different from singing "Hallelujah" in guitar language :D
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Random funny thing of the day: Theodore informed everyone about changing his number except for Angeline... as she found out in the mentors' room today when Uncle Matt asked Andrea about it. I lol'd.
--Xiang An at 7:31 PM
Children of God
Omgosh this would be so apt for this year D:
--Xiang An at 3:49 PM
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Surrender
Thanks for your advice. It certainly allowed me to go back to cell and just face things normally, despite the awkwardness I thought I'd feel, it wasn't as bad as I thought it'd be. Guess God works in His own time, and I'm serving Him not because I'm getting something out of it, but rather for the glory of His name.
Even if it's... weird? To be shown certain things that I think I'm not ready for. Then again, how well do we measure our own strengths? Pride causes us to diminish our own faults, magnify our strengths, self-pity causes us to magnify the weaknesses and diminish the strengths. It's not easy learning to walk with God and see ourselves through His eyes, see ourselves as holy children of God, who are a good work in progress.
I guess I don't much of a right to be "judging" myself when I don't even truly know my limits or my potential. How much more can I do and give to others, to God? Am I really ready to know what it means to love someone else? Questions I keep asking myself, and questions I can never adequately answer with my own knowledge and wisdom. I guess the answers will only be found when I lay everything on the altar before God and let Him do what He will with it... including the things I'm not sure are His plans for me or my own self-delusions. What matters most is walking with Him, growing in Christ.
It was something that Pastor Darick challenged us with today in service. Are we just committed to our service in God, or are we ready to surrender everything to Him? Simply put, are we just doing things for Him, or are we BEING what He calls us to?
John 21:18
I tell you the truth, when you were younger you dressed yourself and went where you wanted; but when you are old you will stretch out your hands, and someone else will dress you and lead you where you do not want to go.
Going out of my comfort zone, laying everything down on the altar and trusting in Him to provide for me, and learning to give all of myself in service to God and those around me, a task that's far from easy, but a task I have to undertake nonetheless. I don't care about the things that've been bothering me, if they're God's will then they will come to pass in time to come. For now, it's just getting my walk right and drawing closer to Him, seeking first His kingdom.
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Though now we walk in darkness, For now we see in part, Right now we're warmed by the burning flames Of the fire in our hearts.
You promised You will lead us to Your throne, Where we will worship You and You alone
:D
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On a side note, I realized that in SFC, our work goes unseen, and at times unacknowledged, but the effects are apparent in those around us.
Just like ninjas.
I feel more awesome nao :D
--Xiang An at 2:25 PM
Friday, January 08, 2010
Been there, done that
It sucks to hear a friend is in a similar situation that I was in so long ago, yet unable to offer my advice cause I'm Exhibit A of what not to do in that situation. Do I have the right to advise someone else against something when I myself couldn't do the same thing in their situation? Didn't have the strength to let go and walk away from a bad situation?
Or maybe, I should ask, does the argument of having seen where the path they're walking is leading hold any weight? Especially when emotions cloud our judgment?
I seriously have no idea. Maybe I never will. I just hope that if ever I am caught in the same situation again, I can make the right choice. And you, my friend, I'm praying that you have the strength to make the right choices and see yourself through this challenging time. I know it's hard but I hope you don't lose heart. Because love is so much more than just emotions and being blinded by your own insecurities, it's about walking in faith and pressing on when your heart tells you it's too weak to go on.
Yet I guess there are just some people we don't want to seem weak and vulnerable in front of, yet the time comes when we can no longer hold on to our pride and trust that those people will be able to support even in our times of weakness. I didn't have someone like that before, but you have that now, at least. I can't say I have the words to help you, I can't even say I'm the right person to be helping you, but I hope I can. Trust, it's painful to give away but so rewarding when it's given away to the right people.
--Xiang An at 11:52 PM
Random musings about guitaring
Lincoln Brewster has officially become my favourite Christian guitarist/musician. He dedicates his skills with the guitar and his voice to worship the Lord, and yet his experience as a non-Christian guitarist taught him the importance of sound and guitar effects in bringing out expression in a song, something I find many other Christian guitarists lack. Not to mention he plays the electric and has a very nice rock style that I like.
You could argue that one doesn't need to use guitar effects to worship God, but I say God gave us the electric guitar and all the things it could do for a reason, might as well abuse every little part of it to praise God. Besides, why should the devil have all the good music? Rock on, Christians.
--Xiang An at 2:35 AM
Friday, January 01, 2010
Confused
Ever have one of those questions you asked where you were certain the answer was going to be a "no", but then you hear a "yes"? I asked God the same kind of question and heard a yes I was very unprepared for... Basically I asked for confirmation twice after the inital question and um, I guess they were still yeses. Now I'm really confused.
No, I'm not telling you the question... not unless I trust you :D
--Xiang An at 2:34 PM