"Don't measure others by their actions and yourself by your intentions."
God reminded me of this line today. The walk to the bus stop with A was really a humbling time for me as I realised my own pride has blinded me to the truth for a long time.
"Don't go pointing out their mistakes and wrongdoings when you're not their good friend." She tells me. It made me realise what I've been trying to reach out to people the wrong way. I haven't been making that effort to really be a real friend to my classmates, by that I mean more than just cracking jokes and talking. I mean actually caring for them as my own family.
I guess if I don't first do that, whatever I try to do or say to them will have no weight, and I'll come off being "holier than thou" although it wasn't my intention. Then misunderstandings occur because I measure myself by my own intentions and not by what I do, yet I do the opposite for others.
So I guess before I go around trying to talk to my friends about them doing something wrong, I should start checking my own behaviour and really foster that bond with my class first.
I hope that any misunderstandings that have been brewing for the past 6 months will clear up as we grow closer together as a class. Personally, I'm hoping that they realise my intentions are good, and not just cause I get some ego boost pointing out their mistakes. Perhaps it's the way I come off a little authoratative, the way I don't really seem that friendly at times. It's things I've been keeping note of and reminding myself to check everyday.
Lord, I know that I have made mistakes when it comes to reaching out to those you have placed in my life. I know I've let my own mouth do the talking and my own mind decide my actions, instead of letting You speak through me, instead of letting You guide my actions. I pray that You just work in my heart that I may do things for the right reasons and in the right way, by Your will, as well as in the hearts of my classmates so that we may come to clear up the misunderstandings between us.
I also pray that You just make Your presence strong in the class, Lord. That each Christian in the class will just begin to draw closer to You, begin to live our lives as a testimony to Your name, and that we grow to be more than just a class but a family, Lord.
In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!
God bless you guys, each and everyone of you.
On a lighter note, God played a really cruel prank on me this morning. Before morning worship, I sit down and pray, asking God to guide me away from temptation and sin. I finish my prayer, look up, and guess who happens to walk to the benches outside block D, where I happen to be facing?
I could hear God teasing me, "Xiang An, she's sitting behind that pillar. Test of faith: are you going to try and get a better view or confirm if it's her?"
"Oh Lord, please, don't do this to me! You're mean." I beg God, on my knees and crying for mercy from the taunt. (Metaphorically, of course.)
Sigh. Lord is the ultimate prankster in the end. I could never hope to have His level of humour.
--Xiang An at 8:07 PM
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Need pills for verbal die-rear.
Xiang An is an idiot. Chatting to eye-fruit-flavoured-glucose on MSN over a stupid topic and can't even hold the conversation for more than 5 minutes. Not to mention talking to a girl about someone cooler than you. Really smooth.
Excuse me while I go kill myself.
Why do I start on stupid things like this when I know I'm going to have this reaction? >.>
--Xiang An at 9:12 PM
Grabbed by the collar
by God.
Rachel passed us little cards to pass to our Christian friends to invite them for the Christians United envisioning next Thursday. God tells me, "Go to your class, Xiang An. Ask your classmates."
My first response was, "What? I'm not sure they're that comitted to go at 6pm..."
I could almost feel a tangible hand smack me on the back of my head and grab me, as if God were slapping me awake. To be less dramatic, I stopped myself and gave myself a mental slap on the cheek.
"Trust in God." It's time for me to stop being a religious Christian and start being a REAL Christian.
So I went up to class and passed out the invites to my Christian classmates. Yeah, there was some apprehension about their response within me, but I thought, what the heck, I'll trust that God has a plan for them in CU, and I'll trust in His sovereignty over this. So God-fearing Xiang An took out a large mallet and knocked unwilling, self-conscious Xiang An out and handed out the invites.
Then God asked me, "Are you ready for me to use you? This is my challenge to you: stop being reactive and start being proactive. Make things happen and not wait for them to happen."
That was His response to my question in the morning, I guess. Watching Faith Like Potatoes during SFC Ministry time really got me thinking about how willing I was to be that one person who would be a fool for God even while others ridicule and persecute me. I asked Him on the bus, "God, I want to know how You are planning to use me in the lives of others. Teach me to be that fool for You, to be radical and nuts, to be a good testimony to Your name."
And boy, am I in for a hell of a ride. (Anyone sense the irony in this statement? God sending me on a HELL of a ride xD lulz that just popped in my head.)
I guess God answered my question and wow, what an answer. I'd like to say I'm ready for Him to take control and for me to just follow what He tells me to do, but is there anyone who can TRULY be ready for God's plans? He is the Guy with all the insane, out of this world, fantastic plans for us, I wonder if I can really say I'm ready to step up to His challenges and tasks for me.
But I guess right now, I'll take one step at a time, as God calls me to.
--Xiang An at 5:22 PM
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
The Lone Wolf
I'm on the bus, and backed against a seat. Loads of people rushing to get off the bus, me caught in the center of the human current. Everyone sees me standing there, cramped and really uncomfortable, they just don't care and shove past me. I can't stand being cramped in a crowd, and what happened really irked me.
Right before Christians United envisioning briefing, the girls are playing the piano and having a good time. CL has gone home. I'm the only guy there and I'm sitting alone, trying to pass the time boring myself to death. All the time acknowledging the fact that the two of us J1 guys in SFC have no musical talent whatsoever and the girls trump us.
The fact that my entire class is divided into cliques and I'm the sad guy who's able to talk to each clique but never really a part of any.
Story of my life - the puzzle piece that seems to fit in just about any puzzle but each puzzle is already complete on its own.
I've already grown used to the fact that I've always been the one person that seems to be part of everyone's circle of friends but never truly the part of the group the prefer to hang out with. I'm left out of the loop on inside jokes, left out of the loop on updates and news. Always the last to learn by asking, not because someone thinks I'm close enough to share with.
Yeah, I guess you could say I'm jealous. Jealous of how other people have their own circle of close friends but I don't, not really. People that used to talk to me the moment they saw me blog about something that's bothering me but now stop doing so. I don't blame them, they have their own lives to take care of. Yet at times I wonder if I'm just that insignificant in people's lives.
Not that I'm upset about it, I'm kind of used to being the lone wolf who wanders around and meets all the other wolf packs but never a part of any one pack. In fact, some times I kind of like it.
Yet I notice some of my behavior that just screams out this jealousy, when I choose to say things that get me pointed looks of annoyance from people around me, or when people just call me mean for the things I say. I'd rather people get annoyed with me, at least that's some form of attention.
It's kind of sad that I'm only mature and serious on my blog, when I'm alone. I play the stupid court jester just about everywhere else - the guy that makes fun of everything and everyone, gets a roar of laughter or looks of annoyance and disapproval from the crowd but never really deemed important enough for anyone to call me a close friend.
Same thing at home, I guess you need only refer back about 2-3 posts to find out how my mom and I is. My sister is in a world of her own, my dad just watches the TV and sleeps, maybe drives us around. My parents care little to find out about my school life if it extends beyond grades. It's as if I'm just some servant they invested in whom they expect to take care of them in their old age.
Don't get me wrong, I know my parents care for me, it just is in all the ways I don't care about - buying me things and not caring about anything else except my achievements.
I've always had to learn to deal on my own, and you know, it doesn't even matter now.
I'm a lone wolf, always have been, always will be.
--Xiang An at 8:39 PM
Monday, July 27, 2009
I have stupid dreams
Another Xiang An with hot girl dream episode again. This wouldn't be so bad if it were the same girl, but it's not. Here I am spending my time killing people on battlefields and when I sleep, this kind of stupid things happen.
I vaguely remember thinking "I have to ask [Girl X] if this really happened" in some part of my dream. It was one of those dream within a dream kind of episodes. Then I woke up and "Okay, no need to now." Or rather, my alarm rang.
And some really blurry unrelated dreams. Man, my imagination/brain is in hyperdrive even when I'm sleeping. Is there some kind of medication for this?
And I have a headache now. Does H1N1 cause dream-hallucinations? I hope not.
--Xiang An at 3:05 PM
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Indifference
It's hard to be a good son to a mother who consistently acts and talks to you as if she wants you to be the son she wants, and not the son she has. Like when you don't see the point in going for facials and indulging in vanity but she insists that you go and says she has already paid for you and not to waste her money. All the fuss over a few pimples. Manipulative dictatorship.
It's hard to be a good son when your mother can say all the hurtful things she wants to you when she's angry but when you get pissed, even showing it on your face earns you a scolding. Like that day she got pissed in the car cause the family was late in going down to the temple to pay respects to your grandfather, saying that your girlfriend is teaching you all the wrong things when she doesn't even know your girlfriend except for how she looks like, and her words causes your girlfriend to feel guilty and break up with you.
It's hard to be a good son when your mother expects you to listen to her problems and doesn't bother to listen to yours. Like when you break up with your girlfriend but all she says to you is "now focus on your studies" as if you don't feel any emotional hurt, but whenever she has a crappy day at work she walks into your room and there's no choice but to listen to her whine - what can you do? She's your mother, walking out would make her angrier and make a scene.
So you wear a mask, play the court jester. Make fun of the world and how screwed up it is because you know, better than anyone, the irony in the crappiest situations in life. Because it's so much easier when everyone thinks you're just another joker, just a person who lives to annoy people, than show them how much your life sucks at home.
Or maybe it's because by being the court jester you get attention from those around you. Some appreciate your sense of humour even if it's directed at them, some see past the humour and know who you really are. Slowly, wearing this mask, you know who really cares about you and who doesn't, and they come to replace the place your family has taken in your heart as a child.
Or maybe, it's because by making fun of everything else in the world, you hide the fact that your sense of attachment to your home comes from objects in it, not the people living there.
Or maybe, all the above reasons are true, and you're just making fun of the world because it's all you can do - finding the humour, the irony in all the crap that happens; finding comedy in tragedy. It's all you can do before you lose it and run away from home, maybe even end your own life.
Morbid, and many who read this would think you need counselling. Then again, who among them truly care? Who are those who just "care" about you to serve their hidden agendas, who are those who care about you in their own way but are just patronising you. Who among them truly cares?
You only have one sure answer - God. So you keep crying out to Him, keep doing your best to live according to His will, even if it hurts you, because He said you'd be tried and tested, but He would see you through it all. You lean on His strength because you know you don't have it in you to do it yourself.
Then you change. You make fun of the world because you know God is the greatest comedian around, He's performing to an unappreciative audience. You laugh because God is in all the irony, that all the crap happens is so ironic, even when the situations are resolved, the irony remains, perhaps even increases. You laugh and make fun of the world now, with your mask, playing the court jester, because you know God has placed this sense of humour within you, even when you annoy the people around you by making fun of everything, it's how you know God will be there to see you through.
In all the irony, God is still the ultimate prankster. He gets the last laugh in any situation, and always makes sure the victims of His cosmic pranks come out as they were before, perhaps even better than before.
Imagine the Creator as a low comedian, and at once the world becomes explicable. H. L. Mencken (1880 - 1956)
God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh. Voltaire (1694 - 1778)
--Xiang An at 7:40 PM
Guns and Concerts
Went down to Bedok to buy my M40 model today. Other than the orange barrel tip, it's awesome. Next on my list is the G36 and black spray paint to cover the stupid orange parts and make it look metallic.
Went down to the Hillsongs United concert after that with Jolene, Evan and the mentors. It was a really cool experience, although we did not know how to sing quite a few of the songs, and they didn't really sound like Hillsongs' usual songs.
The pastor that came down was funny, but his message was really powerful. I was kind of stunned when we learned he was preaching about sexuality though. You can imagine what it's like to listen to Hillsongs United play and then a pastor comes up and preaches on sexuality.
He told us how in Luke 7:11 Jesus revived a dead boy who did nothing to deserve it. The boy was carried in an open casket and Jesus grabbed the casket, telling the boy to wake up.
It's pretty much what happened to me last night. I've been carrying around some of my guilt and shame and holding on to it, getting caught in endless cycles of sin, and last night God just told me to wake up and get out of that casket. It was still open, it's not nailed down yet, I haven't been buried yet, I can still wake up and get out of that casket.
It's time to let go of whatever's been holding me back from God.
On a lighter note, I can't believe I've never watched Saw 3 earlier. The plot is awesome and incredibly unpredictable. I never realised the plot twists until they happened, something that hasn't happened in a long time. I usually watch horror movies and can tell when the villain is going to show up or where the plot is going but in Saw I was totally off on my predictions.
Wow.
--Xiang An at 1:02 PM
Saturday, July 25, 2009
What am I doing.
This is my prayer in the desert When all that's within me feels dry This is my prayer in hunger and need My God is the God who provides
This is my prayer in the fire, In weakness or trial or pain, There is a faith proved Of more worth than gold So refine me Lord through the flame.
I will bring praise, I will bring praise, No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice, I will declare, God is my victory And He is here
This is my prayer in battle, When triump is still on its way I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ So firm on His promise I'll stand
All of my life In every season You are still God I have a reason to sing I have a reason to worship
This is my prayer in the harvest When favour and providence flow I know I'm filled to be emptied again The seed I've received I will sow.
I don't know what the hell I've been doing lately. I told myself I wouldn't continue on this path of sin. "Dude, you're a guy, it's perfectly normal for you to end up sinning like this."
No it's not. I'm supposed to turn away from this. It's time for me to declare that God is my victory and He is here. Even while the enemy tries to convince me that I'm beaten and there's no hope for change, I know God is working in my life. It's time for me to trust in Him and run towards Him, instead of standing there and letting sin come to me and overwhelm me.
My God is the God who provides. Hasn't He always been there for me? Spoken through a friend, through even the smallest of incidents I witness that allow me to learn about His will? It's time to commit this problem unto God and let Him guide me back on to the straight and narrow.
Eyecandy, envy, lust, anger, pride. It's time to knock all these down in God's name and become the humble and faithful servant He desires of me. It's time for me to let God into my life and correct everything that isn't of God. It's not humanly possible, but it's time I declare that God is my victory. The battle is still ongoing, but this is my prayer whiler triumph is still on its way.
Lord, I commit my faults and sins into Your hands, do with them what You will, and refine me into that perfect work You envisioned. Refine me through the flame. Remind me that no weapon formed against me shall remain and You have already helped me overcome my problems and sins, all I have to do is call on You and declare that You are my victory.
I do have a reason to sing. I do have a reason to worship.
Ending off with a happier worship song:
I'm counting on You, Lord.
--Xiang An at 12:57 AM
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Hypocrisy
I read Shane's blog, and wow. It really struck me in the face. I'm a freaking hypocrite.
Guess I always knew, just that I didn't want to believe it. I guess unconsciously while trying to change I haven't been looking at myself critically as I do with others. Maybe it's time for me to really think about what I'm doing.
Studies
Major wake up call. I've got to stop sitting on my ass or thinking that I understand the topics. Apparently there are still things I'm not confident with, so it's time to start practising.
Time to stop gaming less and studying more.
Classmates
I realise now that maybe God doesn't want me to be THE ONE to help them. Okay, so maybe He's using me to slowly work on things, but it doesn't necessarily mean I have to be the guy that saves my entire class. Perhaps He has someone else in mind, someone better suited, or better placed.
Don't I always pull my air support back until my tanks have destroyed the anti-air defense in RTS games? It's the same here. Maybe God is using me as the tank. It's someone else's job to destroy the command center of the Devil in my friends' hearts. It might or might not be me, but it's all according to God's will.
And the whole thing about me being noisy and annoying. Well, it's some part of me wanting attention, I admit it. I always feel like nobody cares about me, but who cares? God is watching over me, He cares. That's really all I need. With that trust in God, I know that He has placed good people in my life. Maybe I don't see it because I'm looking from the wrong angle or at the wrong places. They are there.
The way I act around my class is also partly due to my own walls, I guess. I've been so guarded because I've had my trust abused, because I've had crap happen to me when I start caring, so I try to care "from a distance", or try to prove to others I'm worth something to them. It's time for me to just stop being so damn guarded and just start trusting people in my life.
They may hurt me again, they may betray me, but God placed them in my life for a reason, maybe He puts me in annoying situations, in crappy circumstances to make me stronger. When I do, at least I know I have my Father in heaven watching over me.
So, God has pushed me to really start being myself and start truly reaching out to my class, being who I really am - that annoying kid with all the lame jokes, sure, but also the kid who is there for his friends when they need someone to comfort them, to talk to, someone who cares and someone who is up for anything. I've only been doing the former, and really hid the latter cause I thought people would take advantage of that or they'd despise me for it.
What's the harm in being who I really am? At least I know people hate me for who I am instead of wondering whether they like me for who I am not.
Worship
Okay, I keep saying I want to be someone who truly worships God, but I can't do that until I set my heart right, that means with the way I treat people as well. It's time to stop judging and let my own personal feelings die. Time to start showing the unconditional God placed in us through Christ.
It's like that time I saw P cry over her results but did nothing to comfort her although there was something inside me that was telling me, "Dude, talk to her, pray for her." My reply to that was "I don't even know her that well. It's not my place."
Perhaps it's time to stop letting my pride get in the way and just do things as God would want me to.
Perhaps instead of just talking about being a good testimony for Christ, it's time to start acting like it.
So this is my new mission, my new commitment. The next chapter in my campaign against my own faults. It's time to start really LIVING the word of God, instead of just talking about it.
Relationships, Trust
Past experience left me with a void inside, something I've been trying to fill. Now I realise how stupid that is. It's not possible for me to fill this void up on my own. It's for God to fill up, in His own time.
So this is me saying I'm going stop searching for affection, for attention. Just the lone wolf, doing as God calls me. The Ghost Rider on God's side, in a sense.
---
On a lighter note, Rachel Lim got H1N1, so all of us who were at the Morning Worship workshop have to be on Leave of Absence until Saturday. Just to be safe I don't think I'll risk going to cell. Although that did drive my imagination into overdrive.
A. H1N1 lines running through my head.
This just pertains to my situation:
I felt like ponning school today because I was darn tired, and God gives me a leave of absence for 2 days. Time to rethink my attitude? Or just God playing a prank on us all?
Jolene said they should shut down schools since there have been 2 deaths from H1N1. And guess who got a leave of absence as well?
B. Infected! Left 4 Dead.
What happens if they get swine flu? That'd be quite a lot of dead zombies since they don't have medicine.
Quarantine fails for H1N1. Look at 28 Weeks Later. One unlocked door and the entire Britain becomes Zombie Land (again.)
My plans for a zombie apocalypse:
Pre-emptive measures: 1. Renovate all HDB flats to be like bunkers, so Tanks can't bash through, hunters can't leap out through windows or doors.
2. Build similar walkways to supermarkets. Access to these walkways will only be granted after a test to see if you are infected/have immunity. An automated gun is at the door just in case a zombie tries to break through.
3. Install sniper rifles with protective covering so snipers can snipe any zombie attempt to enter HDB neighbourhoods.
4. Every floor shall have machine guns aimed at the lift doors/stairwell exits so any zombie that does manage to get through will be shot. 2 man teams of residents on each machine gun, to stop Hunters pouncing one sad guy and then turning that whole block into zombies.
5. Install explosive devices on lift cables. Should hordes of zombies end up in the elevator shaft, the lift will rise to the top floor and drop down on them. Any zombie at the top of the lift will be crushed at the top.
6. Thick titanium plates will be installed at the first floor stairwells and along the corridors of HDBs so Hunters can't pounce in.
7. Causeway shall be demolished.
8. All landed property will have electric walls.
In case zombies do end up in Singapore:
1. All households will have hunting rifles, shotguns, pistols, M16s in a locked cabinet.
2. Military tanks. Apaches. You get what I'm saying?
3. All windows of residences facing the roads/points of possible attack shall be outfitted with miniguns.
4. If all else fails, all survivors will take and emergency life in their homes down to an underground bunker. Singapore shall be nuked. Compulsory carrying of firearms on all survivors.
5. Build an Ark at the top of each HDB, make it hallowed ground and pray for a flood.
--Xiang An at 9:15 PM
Renewal
Wait, Xiang An. Things don't change overnight.
God told me that this morning. Maybe I've just been impatient. I can't know what God is doing in the lives of my friends and classmates, I can't make Him do it in a flash, either. I can only pray for them each and every day, and trust in the Lord to work in their hearts, in His own time.
Abba Father, I know You have plans, I know You've heard my prayers for my friends. Right now I pray that You'll grant me the patience to continue serving You, to continue encouraging my friends and helping to edify them. I know there are times when I get weak and feel like giving up, but I pray that You keep me strong, that no matter what the world throws at me, I'll be alright. No matter how much my friends may resist my attempts to reach out, to never give up on them.
I thank You for never giving up on me, either. So if You did not give up on someone like me, who am I to give up on my friends?
---
I've been praying a lot for discernment and understanding lately. For myself, for the people around me. I mean, how often is it that we develop misunderstandings because we couldn't put ourselves in the other party's shoes?
I sincerely hope that my friends would just slowly come to understand me, also that I come to understand them at the same time. It's not easy, but it's not worth giving up on.
First thing to do on my end is to be more mindful of my words and actions. I value honesty, and at times I'm too blunt for my own good. There's nothing wrong with thinking through the words I should use so I don't end up conveying my message the wrong way, while at the same time not playing down the seriousness of the situation.
"What seriousness of the situation? Not everything is an emergency."
No, it's not. The thing I find disconcerting with some people is that they always put things too nicely. It gives the other person the opinion that "Okay, nothing's worng. I have a minor flaw, but no big deal."
That's not how you get someone to change, or let them know their faults. Slap the truth in their face if you have to, but at the same time let them realise you do not mean to offend them but rather you are acting out of a sincere wish to help them improve.
"Dude, that's impossible."
No it's not. Well, impossible if you don't ask God to guide your words. Impossible if you don't let the Spirit speak through you. Not impossible if you let God take control, though. I believe listening to God and letting Him tell you what you should say does help you strike something in someone else's heart. Maybe it's time to stop using my words, and start using His.
--Xiang An at 8:36 AM
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
You have got to be kidding.
I've been thinking a lot about this whole "choosing to be anti-social in class" thing that I've been trying for 2 weeks.
I've basically given up. I reflected the first time, saw that mere disapproval of the things they do just made them pissed. After all, they're not psychic and don't see why I take offense. To which my response was to let them know why I believe something is wrong.
And had the door slammed in my face. "It's good that you are morally upright what, so why care about us so much?" "Dude, just shut up."
I really thank God that there are people in the class I can still talk to and be civil with. Most of the guys are great. It's those certain people in class (and I'm from an all guys' school, no prizes for guessing why I can't communicate) that are just draining my will to change for the better, since I realise that it's my fault for being so flippant and immature at times. I've given up trying to reach out to my friends.
It's like the world has tainted them with its values, and taught them to treat the values of God as a mere "old-fashioned" and "irrelevant" idea. Which is not true. It's like they no longer care about what's right, and let the things that are not of God rule over their lives.
And Christopher's comment was just even more demoralising. "We're not just taking over leadership of SFC, we're taking over responsibility of the school's spiritual health. I look at my classmates, at the people I see walking around in school, and I think, "Dude, what spiritual health? It's not like the people care any more."
I know it's not right for me to think like this, but I feel as if there's really nothing I can do. I pray and pray about it but what good is prayer if I don't even know how to handle the things within my control?
I'm being cynical? Yeah, maybe. I believe God can do the impossible, but how does one reach out to those who will not listen? It's like they refused to accept the life vest that's thrown out to them, if the one who threw it is someone they don't like.
I realise I have my own faults, I realise that maybe it's cause it's coming from me, the guy who doesn't put on his mature side in class. Not outwardly, anyway. If anything was my fault, I apologise, Abba Father. Yet I hope that You show me the way to reach out to those around me, cause I fear my hands have already lost their strength. I'm afraid my prayers are not of worth because they don't come from a righteous boy.
--Xiang An at 8:24 PM
Monday, July 20, 2009
Honesty, Prayer
"If you don't like someone, just tell it straight to their face."
Mr Adi said that in civics today. I scoffed for a moment inside. People hate me for saying stuff straight to their face. Maybe not some, when I talk to them and they're humble enough to accept the fact that what I say has some truth. Some people just flat out slam my attempts to reach out to them in my face. Okay, annoying, but I don't let that get on my nerves. If someone decides to be childish, I can't do crap about it.
Then I reflect on the things I say. I have to admit, some times I'm blunt and perhaps the things I say don't go through a filter for tact. That's why I sound offensive. Screw being nice, I can be an ass to someone if I know hating me will get them to improve and think, ask my juniors.
I realise at times it's my human nature just saying things, instead of letting God tell me the right words to use. I truly believe that when we speak with God guiding our speech, people will understand no matter how stubborn, confused, broken they are. That even if they hate me, my words will at least strike some truth in their hearts.
"Okay, Xiang An, so what are you doing about this?"
Praying. I believe in the power of prayer. I mean, I prayed for a seat on the bus this morning so I could some rest on the bus ride since I was super tired and for the first time in months there were free seats on 966. How cool is that? God, with His infinite power, took the time to save me a seat. If He would grant that little thing, what about my prayers for others, for my class, for the people whom I have misunderstandings with?
I pray for people when they insult me or offend me. No, not just that God will forgive them, but also that He will show me if I did anything wrong, or if I said or did something that they misunderstood from where they were standing. I pray that He will just slowly sow His love and peace in their hearts and I will be able to talk to them as a friend, maybe even as a brother.
It's like Barnabuss in the Bible. He actually encouraged and believed in Saul when Saul converted, despite him being a former persecuter of Christians. Maybe God doesn't plan on some super revival thing in my class, but my prayer for them is that they will just get to know God so much more in their lives, in SAJC, that they slowly begin to realise that God doesn't just work in the lives of Christians, but in the lives of those how have yet to believe in Him.
So if God doesn't give up on anyone, not even the most fanatical atheist, how can I give up on my classmates and friends? Even if at times it gets difficult for me to show them unconditional love.
"Dude, unconditional love? To CLASSMATES?"
Yeah, what's wrong with that? Unconditional love where you ignore the faults of someone and CHOOSE to treat them as an equal, as one of your family. Even if emotionally you just don't like them, actually choosing to put that aside is unconditional love. I don't get why people think this is some irrational thing. Unconditional love (or any love, for that matter) is rational.
Oh well, just some randoms in my head for today. God bless you all!
--Xiang An at 11:04 PM
Sunday, July 19, 2009
The Ultimate Love
"There's nothing you could ever do that would make Me love you less."
A line from the video played during Friday's chapel in school. It really spoke to me because I've always struggled to repent from my temptation and sins. Each time I give in, I feel like crap over it because I feel like I've just given God a tight slap in His face and turned Him away from me.
He reminded me that there's no such thing as turning God away from us. He already gave His only Son to die on the cross for our sins, if His love is so great, how can we possibly do anything that would drive Him away from us?
Like the line from Five Loaves and Two Fishes by Corinne May - "Every tear I cry is a diamond in His hands". God knows everything that's hurting me inside, even if I no longer shed visible tears, there are still times when my heart feels choked up by all my screw ups and I feel like crap, like I've failed God. Yet I know God works in my life not in spite of all my fears and failures, but because of them.
Shane mentioned while we were comforting A the other day that none of the crap we go through everyday would happen to us if God did not allow it. If anything bad happens to us, it only happens when God sees that we are strong enough to handle and overcome it. The tales of great faith and miracles come from the most horrible situations. Perhaps God is asking me to stop letting my failures define me but instead entrust them to Him and let His love define me instead.
"Surely as the sun will rise, You'll come to us."
I don't think I've fully realised the impact of this line until today. We wake up at ungodly hours, when the sun hasn't risen. Or when the weather sucks. But the dark sky doesn't bother us, why? It's cause we've been brought up to know that the sun will rise at a certain time, even if we do not see it when we wake up. We know the sun will be shining at the end of the thunderstorm.
The same applies for God's love to us - we need to make it second nature to realise that no matter what happens, God will come. Even if things are at their darkest, God will come and shine through it all, like the sun that we know will rise each morning. God will come and help us, lift us out of the situation.
It's time to stop fighting on my own and let God take over. It's time to let go and let God.
--Xiang An at 2:24 PM
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Heart of Worship
Celine, Chris and I did this song for worship "practical" today. It got me thinking about how I've been worshiping God these past few weeks. Ever since Morning Worship moved to the netball court, I've become a bit self-conscious, hesitant about lifting my hands, wondering if my classmates thought of me as a hypocrite when they saw me as they walked in.
And now that the J1s are going to take over worship leading, I was afraid of screwing up, afraid that I would fail terribly at leading worship. I had so many questions in my head: How do I know what songs to choose? Praying about it, what if I still can't see what are the songs God is leading me to play? If I'm going to be playing the guitar, what if there are chords I can't play?
I'm someone who cannot stand it when a large group of people (or people I don't know) stare at me. I freak out, and start wondering "What the hell am I doing wrong that they're staring at me for?" When I screw up, I'll keep reliving that moment and embarrassing myself over it. "Dude, that was such a fail."
As I sang this song, God just spoke to me and told me to drop all those thoughts. It's about God, not about me. If He calls me to lead, then no matter what I do to screw up, it'd still be worship. It's about the heart, not the action. Ultimately, it's about God, about His greatness working in our lives, not about what we do during worship. He only requires that our heart be truthful to exalting Him, to praising Him and asking Him to enter our lives.
And to me, God said: "You are doing this for Me, and not those who are watching."
It's all about You.
"By faith Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going." - Hebrews 11:8
If He has called me to worship, then I shall.
--Xiang An at 9:01 PM
Thursday, July 16, 2009
On tuesday:
D has been swearing non-stop while the lecturer goes through the Chem paper. "THIS ANSWER IS CORRECT! WHY DIDN'T I GET THE MARK?!"
I tell him, "Dude, relax. You can ask later, even if you're wrong, just learn from it."
"Shut up Xiang An! I'm gonna beat you up soon. You need to learn how to shut up."
This scene pops in my mind: "Sure, here's my cheek, whack la." He takes the bait, whacks me. "The bible says if you whack me I should turn my other cheek to you. Na." I turn my face just to show him he's not that tough.
But I stop myself from doing that.
Today, during chem prac:
"Dude, you're supposed to use the burette, not the measuring cylinder." I remind D, since we're practising for SPA
"No I'm not!" D snaps back.
"Read the instructions."
"Mind your own business. The measuring cylinder is more accurate." He snaps again, when he realises I'm right.
10 minutes later, I have my values for the titration, so I fill up the rest of the table with values that include some degree of error since my values (thanks to my OCD) are identical.
"Someone smoke values, eh." D comments in an attempt to piss me off. "You SFC wannabe."
The muscles in my arm tense as I fight down the urge to swing my fist at him. He keeps butting in with the same comment when I'm talking with the rest. At the end of my patience and having to let off some steam before I actually do end up punching him, I snap back, "Dude, was I talking to you? You ask me to mind my own business, so why are you so concerned with me now?"
As I turn to the last question, it asks me to calculate the percentage error of the measuring cylinder and compare with the burette. I laugh in my head as the percentage error of the burette turns out to be smaller.
Yet, D's moronic behaviour has me seething about it the whole day. I complain to God about it. "Why, God, do people expect me to be 'holier than thou' when I'm in SFC? Why do they not realise that I'm in SFC to serve You and not to prove that I'm a goody-two-shoes?"
God answers, "Why do you need them to understand? I see your heart, I know why you are in SFC. You do not need to justify your choice to anyone."
I let it rest.
I've been spending my breaks in the mentors' room lately, eager to spend time away from my class and with my family in SFC. I know God has placed me in S08 for a reason, yet I feel like I've screwed up, I don't feel like a part of the class anymore.
Not to mention, some people (like D) are really pushing me to the limit of my tolerance, and it only serves to fuel my disinterest in joining the class during breaks.
After ME, went up to the Mentors' Room again. This time, it was because A cried during morning worship because of troubles she has been facing and the spiritual attacks she's been enduring. She shared with us about some of her problems and we all prayed for her and gave her some advice.
I can empathise with her. I've gone through the same motions, but now that I'm over them, I feel so great and thankful that I have a God that watches out for me, that lifts me up whenever I fall and rewards me with a lot for the little that I do for Him.
Shane said this while he was comforting A: "Whenever you cry, God cries as well." How true that is, and that comment is what makes God so awesome. Who else can say that their God cries WITH them, SHARES their PAIN?
The Father who allows trials and tribulations to come to His children because He knows it will make them stronger. Who lets them take only what He knows they can handle, and shelters them from anything they can't. Who, while all this is happening, cries when His children cries, hurts more that His children do while they face the challenges in their path.
Who else can say they know a god who is as great as this?
--Xiang An at 6:03 PM
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
By Your Side
He'll be by my side, wherever I fall In the dead of night whenever I call So why am I fighting these hands that are holding me?
I'm sorry, Lord. I forgot to trust in You. I turned my face away when all You wanted was to lift it up when I was crying. I've been fighting the battle on my own when You were offering to fight for me. I've been acting as a lone ranger when You've placed people in my life willing to help me.
No longer. Perhaps it's time to "Tear Down the Walls", just like Hillsongs' new album. Perhaps it's time I stop being so damn guarded and just learn to trust. I don't have to drive the people who care for me (or the Lord has placed in my life) just because I'm afraid of getting hurt.
Mr Adi told me on MSN last night that it's like tossing coins. It's a 50:50 chance of meeting someone who will respect your trust or destroy it. After tossing tails 3000 times, there's still a 50:50 chance of getting heads. But if I refuse to continue tossing the coin, the probability goes to zero.
Maybe it's time to toss the coin again.
Perhaps it's time to just trust God and ask Him to guide me instead of trying figure stuff out on my own when clearly I have no idea how to.
Yet, I have to ask how does someone who has been living life with a mask put it down, how does someone who has been deaf spiritually and emotionally start listening again.
How does someone who has lived their lives being a clown suddenly take off the costume and make up and be themselves?
Only God has those answers, maybe. I've been ignoring His voice calling out to me whenever I'm in trouble, slapping away His hand whenever I'm crying inside (I've lost my physical ability to cry). Now it's time to let His hands hold me instead of trying to fight them off.
What is faith without trust?
--Xiang An at 9:26 PM
Monday, July 13, 2009
New Beginnings
Sigh, getting back the common test results today was totally demoralising. Just when I thought I could at least scrape an E for Maths, Mr Adi told me how badly I did.
It's better to screw up now than for A Levels, at least. Now I know the amount of practice I'm getting in is not enough, time to start mugging.
And wow, it's hard to be stuck in the middle, between friends who have misunderstandings and it's so hard to be the one whom both confide in, yet be utterly helpless about the situation when there is almost nothing that can be done except pray for them. One side refuses to listen, the other is afraid to speak up.
I can only pray for both of them that God fixes their relationship and they can clear up this misunderstanding and get back to being friends again.
On a different note, Shane showed me all the awesome scenes from Devil May Cry. Always wanted to check it out but never really got to. Man, there are some really awesome moves I wish I could do in real life. Too bad those feats are only possible in the world of anime.
It's funny how much the Devil attacks everyone, trying to drive them away from God but when his futile attempts only serves to drive them after God even more, he tries to irritate them instead.
Yes, Satan, your attempts to get me down are getting ANNOYING, not demoralising. Like the poor demons trying to kill Dante in the opening of Devil May Cry 3 but he doesn't feel a thing and just drags them along the floor while they clutch at their weapons buried in his body. ANNOYING. Just stop already ):
--Xiang An at 8:12 PM
Sunday, July 12, 2009
It's all or nothing
Found love beyond all reason, You gave Your life Your all for me Called me Yours forever
Caught in the Mercy fallout Found hope found life found all I need You're all I need
The time has come To stand for all that we believe in So I for one am going to give my praise to You
Today, today it's all or nothing All the way, all the praise goes out to You Yeah all the praise goes out to You
Today today I live for one thing To give You praise in everything I do Yeah all the praise goes out to You
All we are is Yours All we're living for Is all You are Is all that You are
"Xiang An, it's all or nothing." God says to me during worship in service. "Whatever difficulties you face, it's time to stand up and push on. Stop trying to fight with your own strength, but fight with Mine. I've called you to start leading worship, it's time to pick up your guitar."
"But Lord, I'm not ready, I'm not that good with the guitar yet." I say to God.
"I say you're ready to lead, all you need is to put in that effort and let Me take care of the rest. All or nothing."
All or nothing indeed. Either I give this calling my 100% or I achieve nothing to glorify God's Name. It's time to start strumming, guitar boy.
After I finish my homework ):
Class picnic at Botanic Gardens, and almost everyone was late except Cher and me. It was funny cause I could totally envision myself with a guitar on that field we were sitting on during worship, while we were singing I stand in awe of You, just singing that song surrounded by God's creation, feeling God's presence whispering in the trees and blowing gently in the breeze, looking up to the clear blue sky and just praising Him through that song in that wide open field.
Sadly, there was no guitar, and I don't know the chords to the song.
Time to start learning!
Again, after homework ):
--Xiang An at 9:13 PM
Friday, July 10, 2009
Vampires and Apathy
I haven't worked on my vampire "novel" in a long time. There's been so much editting on the prologue and chapter 1 I haven't even completed the second chapter.
Add that to time spent on my guitar and computer games, and progress is really slow.
If anyone is interested just tag on my board or MSN me if you wanna know where I post the stories. Haha.
---
"You know what I noticed?" The Joker tells the Batman. "Nobody panics when things go according to plan. Even if the plan is horrifying. Like if I told everyone tomorrow that a gangbanger will get shot or a truckload of soldiers will get blown up, nobody panics. Cause it's all part of the plan."
I'm sitting in the CC for Econs, and Ms Wang asks us to write a short answer for essay to test our ability to answer the question. She says she wants a representative script from each class. Everyone immediately stops their writing and start calling Shub to use his script for the class. I am probably the only one in my class still writing my answer, apart from Rav and Shub.
At the start of Econs lecture, the girls see that there is a spacing between each student and immediately start complaining about how hard it is to talk.
At the end, Ms K catches a girl for her skirt and the girls immediately run to the side of the CC and make a break for the exit before they get caught as well.
Apathy. It's the way the world works. When you focus only on your own problems, and limit your scope to your area of interest, you don't care about anything else, it's all secondary.
Why do people have to live like this? What's wrong with doing what is expected of you, of adhering to basic discipline? "Discipline? The rules are stupid, it restricts our freedom." Some students say.
Shane once said this about discipline: it's not about not being able to do what you want, it's about the sense of order you receive from God by respecting the authorities He has placed in your life.
Some might claim that those are "little things", but do they not count? I'd say to see someone's true character, you don't look at the big things they do, but the little things. The trivial things like simply adhering to the uniform standards tell you a lot about a person, not the big things they do when they know they are being watched. Integrity is what we do when we're not being watched, after all.
So no, I don't think there are truly strong bonds forged, as some people claim, but rather a superficial social contract that just includes civility and fun, but undermined by apathy. An understanding that applies to those whom are in their favour, but not those who have been deemed unworthy.
Yes, I am calling these people hypocrites. I don't measure a person's kindness by how they treat their friends, but rather how they treat strangers and the people they dislike.
As for me? Despite my own personal feelings about some people, I'm ready to help if they ask. Ready to extend kindness if I see they are in need. Which is why sometimes I don't get what is so difficult about just treating EVERYONE with some respect, instead of USING them when it serves one's purpose.
I don't get why hypocrisy and apathy are so prevalent at the age of 17.
I don't get why you people can criticise others but not yourself. Why you cannot practise what you preach.
--Xiang An at 9:41 PM
Thursday, July 09, 2009
Apology
I seriously feel that I owe God a really big apology. Lately I've felt as if Satan has been attacking me by tempting me, and I feel like crap for giving in.
It's not as if I just gave in. I keep telling myself, "Dude, it's not right, don't do it.", yet my will weakens and I give in.
Why? I ask. Why is it so hard to turn away? My answer came from Exodus:
Moses answered the people, "Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the LORD will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again. The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still."
Then the LORD said to Moses, "Why are you crying out to me? Tell the Israelites to move on. Raise your staff and stretch out your hand over the sea to divide the water so that the Israelites can go through the sea on dry ground. I will harden the hearts of the Egyptians so that they will go in after them. And I will gain glory through Pharaoh and all his army, through his chariots and his horsemen. The Egyptians will know that I am the LORD when I gain glory through Pharaoh, his chariots and his horsemen."
I ask myself this whenever I find myself giving in to temptation or falling into sin: Am I trying to fight this on my own or am I asking God to come and fight for me?
I guess God has always been calling out to me, "My son, lay down your pride, and let Me fight for you. Lay aside your strength for it can do nothing without Me", and I've been ignoring Him.
Who am I, Lord, that You, the Almighty One, would fight for me?
The second part of the passage "that I may gain glory through Pharoah and all his army". Do all of us not thank God whenever He comes and triumphs in our lives, against our spiritual enemies? That's when He gains glory. When we see His work through our failures and our fears.
Abba Father, I shall stand still, and see the deliverance You will bring me. Yet, who am I, that You would fight for me?
Thanks be to God, Who causes us to triumph in His name Thanks be to God Who always causes us to win
Thanks be to God Thanks be to God, We have overcome Hallelujah Hallelujah Jesus You're the One, Hallelujah Hallelujah The One who made a way for me To triumph in Your name
*Random* Interesting how many idiots comment on Christian music videos going "There is no God if you can't prove He exists why believe in Him." Sigh. So tempted to make sarcastic replies to show them how immature and stupid they are, yet YouTube limits comment length so I can't type all I want to say.
Then again, it's better to just leave idiots alone.
*Back on topic*
This song totally expresses how I feel.
--Xiang An at 9:52 PM
Stupid Analogies
"Functions is actually really easy," Mr Adi says at the start of the tutorial.
It's like boys and girls.
Function All boys like a girl. -Doesn't matter if it's the same girl -Doesn't matter if there's one girl that no boy likes -There is no boy that doesn't like a girl/like guys
One-one Each girl can only be liked by one boy (Really retarded scene where Mr Adi does this girl crying thing cause no guy likes her. "Which boy likes you?" *cries*)
One-Many It is not a function. One boy cannot like many girls.
Many-One Super popular girl that a lot of guys like. (Ahem, reminds me of a certain girl during Christians United camp... :D)
Onto Each girl has exactly one guy who likes them and no girl is left out/no boy who doesn't like anyone.
Sigh... It was funny until MY name appeared on the board when it came to graphing many-one functions for horizontal line test. And Mr Adi wrote "Megan Fox" on the Y-axis and my name (along with a few others) on the X-axis. Not to mention he also threatened to write down our crushes on the board along with the names. This is what happens when you let Mr Adi have access to your blog. Blackmail in school. Oh, and we have to put up with it. Go figure.
--Xiang An at 8:30 PM
Wednesday, July 08, 2009
You Belong with Me (or not)
What Taylor Swift would be singing if she were a guy (or just have my idiocy and free time).
I'm sorry, "Princess" Chee Keong and Queen Celine, but I may just have ruined this song for you =P
I apologise for the third line in the first verse. Couldn't think of anything else that a guy would get angry for that fits in with the tune. Sigh.
You're on the phone with your boyfriend He's upset He's angry at you cause you just won't have sex He doesn't get your morals like I do
I'm in the room It's a typical tuesday night I'm listening to the rock songs he doesn't like He'll never know your story like I do.
He wears a jersey I wear T shirts He's sports captain And I'm just a joker, Dreaming about the day when you wake up and find that what you're looking for has been here the whole time
If you could see that I'm the one who understands you Been here all along so why can't you see? You belong with me You belong with me
Talking to you and I'm acting like Mr Bean I get so happy when your eyes are all on me. Laughing cause I'm a clown Hey isn't this easy?
You've got a smile that would knock any guy right down I haven't seen it in a while since he brought you down You say you're fine I know you better than that Hey what're you doing with a guy like that?
He wears wing tips I wear sneakers He's chess captain And I'm the bigger loser Dreaming about when you wake up and Find that what you're looking for has been here the whole time
If you could see that I'm the one who understands you Been here all along so why can't you see? You belong with me
Standing right here waiting at your backdoor All this time how could not know Baby You belong with me You belong with me
Oh I remember you laughing at jokes over MSN at night I was getting you laugh Cause I knew you were 'bout to cry I know your favourite songs And you tell me about your dreams I think I know where you belong, I think I know it's with me
If you could see that I'm the one who understands you Been here all along so why can't you see? You belong with me
Standing right here waiting at your backdoor All this time how could not know Baby You belong with me You belong with me
You belong with me Have you ever thought just maybe You belong with me You belong with me
(Background voice: Probably not...)
--Xiang An at 11:30 PM
Tuesday, July 07, 2009
Run, Beautiful
VERSE 1: You were God from the outset Powerful and creative You who saw us here before You called All the stars and the earth to existence
VERSE 2: You are God You are holy History is Your story You who was and is And who forever will be God we live for Your glory
CHORUS 1: So we will run All together our hearts aflame With a fire that can't be tamed Our God all glory to Your Name Jesus
VERSE 3: You are God You are freedom You're alive now within us You who saw us here before You conquered the grave And delivered on the promise
CHORUS 2: We will run Our surrender to bring You fame Our desire that You be praised Our God all glory to Your Name Jesus
This song just absolutely spoke to me. I didn't know what made me just type it in on Youtube, but I'm glad I did. After the dream, Mr Adi explained that dreams are an expression of our desires. He also explained to me that the only way to stay away was to not linger on it.
That got me thinking, do I want such a temporal thing to rule my heart? The chorus of the song is exactly what I'm praying for - a flame for God that cannot be tamed, that the ultimate glory belongs to God. So yeah, it's time to double my efforts to seek God and His kingdom above all else. Not to let things like eyecandy distract me.
Although admittedly I was kind of going crazy today whenever I bumped into her along the corridor. I just kept repeating, "Stay away, don't look." in my head so many times the words are practically ringing in my head now. Stay away. The easiest way to remove temptation is to remove its draw.
Which was the opposite of what I did this afternoon when I bought Bundaberg Ginger Beer when I told myself to stop drinking and eating all those unhealthy stuff. Sigh. I can take my eyes of girls but not my mouth off food. This is sad.
Random sidenote: I thought I saw Megan Fox in the video. Darn, this is serious screwing with my head. After someone mentioned Megan Fox is possibly a trans I looked at her throat when they aired the interviews of the Transformers 2 cast on AXN and realised that she does look like she has an Adam's Apple. That reminded me of this line from House:
"Life's greatest irony: the ultimate woman is a man."
Mr Adi posted this song on Facebook. Forget the vulgarities in the song but it's actually quite through. Self-esteem is a major issue for most people these days, not just students. It's like nobody can truly understand all the crap we go through in our lives (except for God), which is why we shouldn't let someone else tell us we aren't good enough or our failures are irreparable. God knows it all, trust in Him.
--Xiang An at 8:57 PM
Children's Song
The real reason why children's shows and songs are so popular.
(Do it in a British accent so it sounds creepier.)
Hello my friends, how are you? Good evening, day or morning I'm as happy to see you as the last time I was here Cause this is a recording
I'll always be here for you, I'll never get tired of you, You just must press play. I'm here to distract you with colourful things To help mummy get through her day
Cause mommy needs some time to herself That's why you're here with me Sometimes mommy gets a little overwhelmed So she puts you in front of the TV
It's not your fault, you're a normal kid, Full of energy and life Believe or not, your mommy was just like you Before she became some A-hole's wife.
And now she's stuck in the house, She can't work or get out cause she never has the time, So I'm here to distract you So she can get back to working on her degree online. ("I bet she's studying psychology")
Cause mommy needs some time to herself That's why you're here right now with me Sometimes mommy gets a little overwhelmed So she puts you in front of the TV
[Spoken] Don't worry, just because mommy's lying on the bed with a cold towel on her head doesn't mean she doesn't love you. Mommies always scream into their pillows when they're happy!
Would you like to try and make her feel better? Then sing along with me "I love you mommy, You're so pretty mommy, Even though you had kids, and your body stretched out, And you feel all used up You still have value as a woman.
Very good! Excellent job, I think that worked, But now we must be still We've got to be quiet for the next little while So mommy won't need her pills.
But I've got to go, But I want you to know, I'll be back again soon my friends
When Daddy gets home tonight, and he and mommy have a fight, You'll be back with me again
Cause mommy needs some time to herself That's why you're here right now with me (Louder! Drown out the screaming) Sometimes mommy gets a little overwhelmed So she puts you in front of the TV (Cover your ears and scream!)
Cause mommy needs some time to herself That's why you're here right now with LALALALA Sometimes mommy gets a little overwhelmed So she puts you in front of the TV (See you in 5 minutes!)
--Xiang An at 5:12 PM
Monday, July 06, 2009
Sweet Dreams are made of... eyecandy? Darn.
Yup, I had a dream about my eyecandy. Argh. This sucks! I know I can't control what I dream (in a sense), but the stupid thing was I hated myself for waking up. Like being pulled out of a cinema before you get to know the ending of an awesome movie.
Since Mr Adi reads my blog (and knows who she is) I shall not post the details of the dream here. Heh. But it would definitely make me Wilson in House M.D., cause I had major Messiah complex in that dream. Hahahaha.
Oh what the hell, might as well post it. Not like it's going to damage my non-existent reputation. It's very hazy and weird because the bridge at the side gate lead to this block of HDB flats that strangely resembled Jurong/Bukit Panjang. Then I basically walking out of school when she told me she got cancer. And I was like doing nice stuff for her. She hugged me and was telling me "You're so sweet" before I woke up. Damn.
After I woke up and slapped myself for wanting to sleep and see how the dream ends, I was asking God, "You do like pranking people, don't You?" I mean, I wanted to be NICER to people, but this is ridiculous. And I said I'd lay things like eyecandy and school troubles before God and He uses it to give me the weirdest (and awesomest? :D) dream ever.
Grah. My brain needs to be repaired.
Reunion with Pelandok 0708 PLC! I miss those times we had together. Darn, all the punishments and tekan-ing we went through together and laughing it off afterward. We met at KAP, although the ventures were still having their meeting so those of us who were there but didn't join ventures were sitting there waiting for the meeting to end.
Headed down to CCAB to play soccer after that. The field was closed but the sign fell down so we didn't see it and played on the field anyway. Matthew Koo (aka the Juggernaut) was the goalkeeper and kept running up with the ball to shoot, leaving our goal open. After a while we just stopped caring and left the goal open, letting the other side score 2 goals. 1 of them by Jia Lei. Yes, Jia Lei, the guy who can't play soccer for nuts.
We went back down to Bukit Timah to eat at the hawker centre, taking a group picture before we left for LAN. Played DotA since some of us finished lunch earlier and went to scout (no pun intended) the LAN shop to see if there were seats available. Mark, Darrell, Sam Koh, Kaiyang and I played a pub game against this noob team. "Xiang An, calling people noob isn't very nice" Oh well, when I can score kills as Jakiro, and I only died 2 times (a feat since I suck at DotA), the other team can't be that good.
Played versus in L4D and scored some awesome kills using Boomer, Smoker and Hunter. Never got a tank once and we never got to pull people into a witch. One of my best shots was as a Boomer, hiding behind a train and getting all 4 survivors as they ran past the gaps between the carriages, pulling this guy into a whole horde of zombies after the boomer got him at the Finale for Dead Air, when the rest of the team were dealing with hordes and hunters, and managing to get a second kill after.
Good times =)
--Xiang An at 8:07 PM
Friday, July 03, 2009
Freedom and Camaraderie
H1 Economics. The last and final frontier of the common test arc of my J1 life in SAJC and I have gotten through it in one piece.
Went out with the class for dinner after the paper. Wanted to watch Transformers, but since some of us already watched it we just ended up eating at Swensen's instead. We couldn't decide on a movie to watch so we didn't go at all.
I'd like to thank Mr Adi for "treating" me to a meal when I said I'd eat somewhere else since I didn't have enough money. It's kind of different from what I'm used to. In SJI, the spirit of brotherhood indoctrinated us to suffer together. If one of us didn't have enough money we'd all eat somewhere cheaper or chip in and help them pay for it.
Didn't feel like going home too early, so I went to play pool with Kong Jian, Melle, Kai Ye and June. A quick stop at Kong Jian's house to change and rest for a bit before we left for pool.
Darn, the way the 3 guys play really make me ashamed of my skill. I didn't really play seriously, just whacked instead of taking time to aim like I usually do xD Which meant I got owned.
And wow, first time someone asked me to pray for them in person. This time it's something "big", in a sense. Praying for the willpower to stop smoking. The person explained to me that attempts were made to quit smoking but never quite succeeded. The irony is an hour later that person was smoking again.
Oh well, I truly believe in the power of prayer and I hope my prayers will really help that person quit smoking. It's not a sin, but it's not beneficial either. I guess it's good that people have that desire to change and turn away from their errors, that desire to get back on the straight and narrow.
I know I have many friends who are broken, going through a rut in their lives. I hope that despite being in the pits, they will just be aware of God's love for them and know that He is with them every step of the way, whether they're Christian or not. I just know that when they turn their eyes back to God and set their hearts after Him wholeheartedly they will be such strong and fierce warriors for Christ.
Right now, I guess the best I can do is keep them in my prayers =)
--Xiang An at 11:47 PM
Wednesday, July 01, 2009
Awesome God
Okay, my dad brought home some really good news. MY NS REGISTRATION WAS SUBMITTED! I'm super high now that I don't have to go to jail or make $10,000 magically appear. Thank God for saving my ass once again.
And today, Shane came to join Chris, Celine and I after his paper. The topic of eyecandy came up, and I joined in, despite the fact I told God I wouldn't let such things control my life.
So I have to make some things very clear to myself before I really fail my commitment. Talk is talk. I can't be letting such things take my focus off God. I guess it's normal for guys to talk about girls, but as long as the conversation stays godly (i.e., we don't start talking about girls in a lewd manner), no harm's done right? I can so sense Celine or some other girl from SFC rolling their eyes as they read this.
Oh well, "Boys will be boys" as Celine likes to say. (OH COME ON YOU GIRLS DISCUSS GUYS TOO DON'T YOU)
Seriously though, I guess I also want my next girlfriend to be my wife (although I will deny this if you ask me in school!). What's the point in dating a girl I don't intend to marry? It's equivalent to intentionally breaking somebody's heart for a short-term happiness.
Then I remembered Shane's battle plan regarding girlfriend issues. So I came up some boundaries for myself as well.
Section A: Pre-relationship Conditions
1. Unless God says yes, I will not get a girlfriend. That basically means not until I'm at least 20-something-ish.
2. Attraction-Repulsion theory: If I get attracted to any girl during this period, I make sure I stay away from her as much as possible. Don't get me wrong, if she asks me for help or anything I would, but I would do so as nothing more than just a guy helping someone out. No compromising situations.
I cannot be "little boy on motor bike", as put in the Life Charity Concert
3. Parents. I must first have the approval and consent of my parents. "Consent? What?" Yes, I am serious. God says "Honour your parents". If my parents say I can't go out with a girl or they disapprove of my having a relationship with her, then I won't. Yes, this implies my parents have to know her or at least meet her.
4. Church leaders must approve.
Section B: When I actually get into one (Or maybe "if" is a better word choice)
1. Keep my hands to myself. No PDA-ing (I can't stand it anyway), no real physical contact other than holding hands or hugging. (That's really all the physical contact you need anyway)
2. Curfew and "No Date Zones". Don't stay out too late, don't go to places where we will end up doing something stupid. Enough said.
3. Eskimo kisses only? I don't know if I have a right to say this after having already done much more than just that. But never mind.
4. She can't be sacrificing her family or responsibilities just to be with me. Like if her parents don't like her going with me, I'll ask her to honour their wishes, simple as that. No point in me honouring God's commandments if I'm going to force her to break them.
5. God must come first. Duh. This also mean the responsibilities God has placed in my life must take priority.
--Xiang An at 8:41 PM