Sometimes it feels like I'm shouldering my burdens alone, that I've got no wingman to back me up, or is it that I'm choosing to fly solo without any backup?
Trusted confidants now all busy with their own things in lives. Friends who never really went through what I have. People that I just can't seem to talk to about these problems. The end result being having no one to talk to. Sigh.
Guess that's life, huh?
--Xiang An at 6:59 PM
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Hormones Suck Part 2
I typed "H" into the title bar and "Hormones suck" was the only item on the list, my computer is psychic now. Sigh.
This blasted... crush? Obsession? Lust? I have towards her... Despite all the qualities that I could tick off against her, I can't help but really want to get close to her, go out with her and make her laugh. Seeing her makes me wish I'm more extroverted and more charismatic. Makes me kind of wish I could "win her over" (I hate this term) just by being the nice guy me.
Sigh. Then there's also the whole "what God wants me to be doing" thing that I'm happily ignoring at the moment, wishing naively that God's going to change His mind and let me have my way if I keep at it long enough.
She smokes, she stays out late all the time, she's non-Christian, all of these objections and list of possible stumbling blocks all met with a foolish argument of "So what? I can change that" Ah, the foolhardy pride of a guy so deeply infatuated. Then again all I have to do is recall how friendly she is whenever I'm at Cawaii, how sweet she smiles at me, how I can talk and laugh with her when the cafe isn't that busy... And all arguments cease to give way to that stupid grin on my face and the joy of the moment... Something I haven't truly felt in a while.
Am I like Cobbs in Inception? Willing to build a prison of dreams to imagine a different set of circumstances for myself? Or Ed in Shutter Island? Willing to walk straight to a lobotomy, to let myself get burnt once again if it means I don't have to feel this pain of being alone.
--Xiang An at 10:24 PM
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Banging My Head Against the Wall
That's what I seem to be doing most of the time... Stewing, going around in circles questioning myself over and over endlessly, feeling like an idiot.
What's this emptiness I feel inside me? We keep saying Christ fills the void in every heart, but somehow I keep wondering why the same thoughts and weaknesses fill my head time and again. This stupid thing with Charlie ... And then this thing with feeling jealous at how close-knit some people are with their friends. Yet I'm always the one who seems to be "the odd one out". Maybe this whole thing with my desire to get attached is simply a cry for attention - knowing that there's someone I can spend time with and just hang out on a constant basis.
Everyone's got friends whom they are close to and talk to on a regular basis... Me, I'm socially withdrawn and the quiet person who never seems to be able to talk much to people I know. I'm so deep in my own realm of nerd-ism that I seem to have lost all contact with Earth. Am I that pathetic? Very possibly.
Sigh. You know it's bad when I can't even phrase the rest of this post any more. That's how frustratingly confusing this issue is... Grah!
--Xiang An at 10:37 PM
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Shits and Giggles
So... Lately I seem to be making a lot of friends at the maid cafe. While it is kind of fun to laugh along and just chit chat with the meido-sans and other regulars, I still a bit awkward =/
Though I do hear them sharing things that get me thinking, how often do us Christians see the people around us for who they are and simply pray for someone going through tough time even if we don't really know them? Jem once shared that he takes a moment to pray for whatever tragedies happen that appear on Yahoo news, and I think that, at the heart of it, makes a lot of difference. Trust in that God will move in the lives of those around us even when we don't know or don't have the means to help them ourselves.
Especially true when I've come across some of their blogs and read some of the things that they're dealing with. (Yes, cue stalker comments... >.<)
That said... I wish there were times when I was a bit quicker with comebacks. When some of the meido-sans joke with me or talk to me I only give one word answers even if I can talk quite a bit after that. =/ I really got to work on my social skills man. Got to stop being such a nerd =x
8-8-8
First bass lesson today! Super fun. I think I'm going to get my own bass and practise at home... Though I'm not sure if my parents will kill (seriously though, Jeffery and Nelson both suggested getting a cheapo $100+ amp is enough already.) Saving up for it shouldn't be too hard. A month or two, three tops? Perhaps.
Oh wells.
Super tired. Gonna go sleep now. (Spending the night gaming was a bad idea >.< )
I'm so gonna fail BTs. Never study at all D:
--Xiang An at 10:24 PM
Friday, March 18, 2011
Sigh.
Symptom of being a nerd #1:
You socialise better online than in real life.
=/
--Xiang An at 4:08 PM
Thursday, March 17, 2011
I will rise
There's a day that's drawing near.
When this darkness breaks to light
And the shadows disappear
And my faith shall be my eyes
Jesus has overcome,
And the grave is overwhelmed
The victory is won
He is risen from the dead
I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagle's wings
Before my God, fall on my knees
And rise
I will rise!
8-8-8
I don't know how long I'll bear this ache of insecurity, but I'll choose to rise when You call my name.
--Xiang An at 10:42 PM
Monday, March 07, 2011
Don't Wake Me
Don't wake me,
Cause I don't wanna leave this dream.
Don't wake me,
Cause I can't seem to stay asleep enough
When it's you I'm dreaming of
Don't wake me
We're together just you and me
Don't wake me
Cause we're happy like we used to be
I know, I've got to let you go
But I don't wanna be alone
It's like a movie playing in my head, don't wanna look cause I know how it ends.
Sigh, I'm so freaking sure I'll regret watching Adjustment Bureau now that I've read the synopsis. Then again, I'm a masochist like that, huh?
8-8-8
Remember when we'd
Stay up late and we'd talk all night
In the dark room lit by the TV light
Through all the hard times in my life
Those nights kept me alive
We'd listen to the radio play all night
Didn't want to go home to another fight
Through all the hard times in my life
Those nights kept me alive
I remember when we used to laugh
And now i wish those nights would last
The truth is, they didn't and somehow I've got to move on and get you out of my head, and deal with the scars I have.
It's just another one of those periods where I'm trying to act like everything's okay when I'm not... and I'm helping others while they're tank their own. Is this selflessness or just simply numbing the pain and trying to ignore it?
--Xiang An at 9:59 PM
Sunday, March 06, 2011
Diagnosing Myself
What is with this insecurity whenever I'm around girls? I'd thought I was over it by now... But the fact remains that I can't help but wish at times that one of them would be hanging on my arm and we'd be on cloud nine. I try to kick these stupid thoughts out of my head, but it's a virus, one that I haven't found the cure for. No matter how hard I try to remind myself that there's a time for everything, these feelings counter-attack with greater intensity each time.
Maybe it's because I messed my last one up by being an douchebag. Maybe I just want a chance to prove that I won't screw it up again. Maybe, like the last time, I want to feel like I've done something right in this mess that is my life. Maybe it's just some stupid guy pride I have that having a cute girlfriend is something of a status to my friends.
All of which are very bad reasons to get in a relationship. I keep telling myself "I want to be the right guy for the girl, not look for the right girl." Yet, does that statement betray my insecurity about screwing up again? That deep down, I still don't trust myself and I'm still tied down by the same things that haunted me from my last relationship? I'd like to think that I've grown up, learned my lessons and I won't ever make the same mistake again... But the more I think about it, the more it seems that I am still just as prone as before to doing something stupid that I - and whichever unlucky girl gets fooled by me - will regret.
I can't deny that when I play the guitar, part of me just wants to look good and impress girls around me. I can't deny that I had a voice to accompany the guitar just so I'd be that much more impressive. I don't want it to be that way, but ... it's easier said than done. I can't stop the birth of thought. I wish I could. Even when I say I won't entertain these notions anymore, the fact remains that they do appeal to some part of me, some part of me that wishes I could be super popular or just have the kind of friends who show concern and I can talk to every day. Well, I do have Chris, but then again the Army isn't exactly giving him a lot of time. And I can't help but wish I could fit in with my cell group's 'cliques'. The girls, well, they gossip among themselves and us guys being the minority, it's hard being left out of the loop and just feeling left out.
I guess it's the same issue wherever I go. Perhaps God is just trying to help me gain practical experience dealing with this, but somehow I feel like I've been failing horribly. Big surprise?
I act like a joker. At times I think it's only a defense mechanism so I don't have to show people that I am hurting from this stupid wound that's been left open for 3 years. It's so easy to have people write me off as some immature idiot because then I don't have to show that I'm weak. Ironically I wish people would come and find out. It's that "I'm upset but I'm want people to approach me first" syndrome eh? Stupid stupid kinks of the mind.
When will I get over this? I need to answer this. Maybe I'll never get over it. Maybe it's just God's way of making sure I guard my heart more closely from now on. Yet it feels like I'm doing more damage to it than leaving it open ever could.
I know You cast my sin as far as the East is from the West
And I stand before You now as though I've never sinned
But today I feel like I'm just one mistake away
From You leaving me this way
Jesus can You show me just how far the east is from the west?
Cause I can't bear to see the man I've been
Rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
Cause You know just how far the east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other
I start the day the war begins
Endless reminding of my sin
Time and time again
Your truth is drowned out by the storm I'm in
But today I feel like I'm just one mistake away
From You leaving me this way
Jesus can You show me just how far the east is from the west?
Cause I can't bear to see the man I've been --Xiang An at 11:23 AM
Wednesday, March 02, 2011
Hormones suck.
Because I see the girls on my "list" and I go "HOTHOTHOTHOTHOT". Stupid, stupid hormones. Grah. I seriously do NOT need these distractions. ): But still, Hikar IS kinda cute. And pretty. :3 Ok, stop it, Xiang An.
Anyway, Dragon Age 2 is coming out in 6 days! Can't wait. Though I probably should wait till the March Holidays to play it, and AFTER I finish my revisions. Hmm. Still, it's not like I have motivation to study anymore. Sigh. Just as I was typing this post my mom gave me flak about my studies AND fitness again. Sometimes it's like she wishes I was a different person altogether. I know she just wants the best for me, but still, it's suffocating. I've arranged my schedule, mom, I'm getting stretched real thin here, can you not blame me for using my time at home to slack and unwind? I know you don't like that I'm spending this time on the computer but hey, I need to NOT think about all the other crap and work-related stuff for a while, I don't need you to come and keep reminding me about ALL the things I am NOT looking forward to.
I know I'm ranting a lot, but I guess it's just frustrating that my parents just can't seem to understand that my teachers haven't raised any complaints so far. Ok, maybe other than the few lessons I got caught sleeping in class but hey, they've been understanding so far. Thank God for small mercies, I guess. Reminding myself to be grateful for all the little things even when life tries to bring me down. :D
[Some people think I'm spending to much time at the maid cafe. Go away people. It's my comfort place. AND might I add most of the meido-sans I'm friendly with are attached. I have ZERO chances. Cue eye-rolls. :D]
:D That's about it I guess. (Yes, this random highness is a sign of quick recovery from annoying speeches from my mom. Ok, like I said, comfort place. Thinking about it makes me less frustrated. xD
Alright, time to cut the gibberish. I'm going to end off with an awesome song :D
8-8-8
I'm gonna wake up on the right side
gonna laugh until my tears dry
and I won't let NO ONE tell me how to feel
and I'll walk a little taller
cuz my feet are getting stronger
I'll turn this picture into something real
[B-section]
there'll be days when I can't make my soul smile
I wanna give up when I hit the first mile
[Hook]
But not today
I'm already a survivor
I won't walk away
I'll run right through the fire
Not today
don't count me out
We're built to break
but I won't breakdown
yesterday was filled with doubt
but not today
no not today
not today...no no
Verse 2: I'm gonna take what I've been given
It's about time I start livin
gotta move cuz i'm making my own luck
and I've wasted my time away
Monday through saturday
and I won't be left here standin in the dust
B-section:
there'll be days when I can't make my soul smile
I wanna give up when I hit the first mile
Hook:
But not today
I'm already a survivor
I won't walk away
I'll run right through the fire
Not today
don't count me out
We're built to break
but I won't breakdown
yesterday was filled with doubt
but not today
no not today
not today
Bridge:
I'm done being afraid to love
I'm over always givin up
I'm tired...I'm so weak
and maybe one day I will break
Hook:
But not today
I'm already a survivor
I won't walk away
I'll run right through the fire
Not today
don't count me out
We're built to break
but I won't breakdown
yesterday was filled with doubt
but not today
no not today
not today
--Xiang An at 9:43 PM