Had a great time playing LAN and hanging out with Shane, Samuel and 2 of their friends from NS.. Heh. Loo Yee and Angeline came to have lunch with us, but then we headed for Yamaha and subsequently LAN since there really was nothing else we could think up of to do around Dhoby... since girls were around. Heh.
Had dinner at Carl's Jr, after Celine, Victor, Hilary and Mei Ting cancelled and Shane told Celeste not to come (since she would be hanging around 5 other guys). Jem was supposed to come too, but was too busy in the end (with expected business.. haha)
And Shane apparently showed the SFC'09 photos to his friends who had come to see the girl they had pointed out as most pretty (I will not mention her name, but she didn't come... :D) Shane related the story to me, haha. I'd have guessed as much. Apparently it's "compulsory" for them to have a picture of them with another girl in their lockers... Weird rule by their CO or something. Haha. Darn, I really hope my time in NS will be that fun. Hm.
--Xiang An at 9:28 PM
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
A grace so undeserved
I don't have to be afraid of turning back into the guy I was before, and just move on. I may never forget the painful moments I've experienced, but I'll always remember that You've been the One holding me in Your arms all the time I was going through them, even while I had strayed so far, yet to come back to You. I thank You for loving me even while I couldn't find it in me to love myself.
The only proof I need:
I know You gave The world your only Son For us to know Your name To live within the Saviour's love He took my place, Knowing He'd be crucified You loved, You loved a people undeserving --Xiang An at 8:51 PM
Friday, May 21, 2010
Today is a good day :)
It seems as if God lined things up to help cheer me up today.
1. The econs make up lesson was postponed till the holidays.
2. BAK CHOR MEE with Jem, Andrea and Melody (one of Andrea's disciples)
3. Study date with Maria at.. KFC! :D (Would've preferred Popeye's but Changi and Flyer are kind of out of the way for both of us... haha.
I'm gonna grow super fat just from today's meals alone but heck it, I need to spoil myself once in a while xD
--Xiang An at 4:38 PM
Thursday, May 20, 2010
My choice
"Sow the seeds of the fruits you want to see tomorrow."
That line has been ringing in my head the whole day, and I guess that's my choice. Not to withdraw and "rebel" or take a stand by being anti-social. I'll keep doing it until I know what it means to keep loving, caring and giving EVEN when it hurts.
--Xiang An at 3:10 PM
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Ignorance is your new best friend
Where's you gavel? Your jury? What's my offense this time? You're not a judge But if you're gonna judge me, Well sentence me to another life.
Don't wanna hear your sad songs, Don't wanna feel your pain When you swear it's my fault Cause you know we're not the same We're not the same We're not the same
Yeah I've got friends who stuck together We wrote our names in blood But I guess you can't accept that the change is good It's good, it's good
Well you treat me just like another stranger Well, it's nice to meet you ma'am I guess I'll go I best be on my way out
Ignorance is your new best friend
=====
Why try to persuade others to follow your logic? I'm tired of explaining myself. Interpret whatever you want from whatever I have to say, I just couldn't care less anymore.
=====
It's not a war, no It's not a rapture, I'm just a person But you can't take it.
=====
I find myself thinking back on my time in SJI, in scouts. We've gone through all our tough times together, sometimes cause of just a single person's actions and we've come to become truly united as a batch of leaders when we stepped up. No condemnation and we pick up each other's slack and suffer together for one person's mistakes and share in each other's triumph. That sense of brotherhood and belong... Nostalgic.
A sense of belonging and unity that I find strangely lacking now, even among the body of Christ. So unwilling to bear the burdens and suffering of someone else, the ideas of "extending grace" have become so misunderstood that sadly it seems Christians are slowly becoming spoilt brats.
Is it simply because it really takes suffering together, going through hell and really learning to be punished together for one person's mistakes that makes us more aware that our actions do affect the person on our left and right, and develops that bond that is willing to suffer for their sakes as well? I miss those times, and I'm wondering why am I putting up with this feeling that I'm unwelcome and the people around are just willing to judge me instead of truly extending grace.
A whole batch of leaders on the same page and willing to push each other and slow down for each other, even sacrificing time and effort to see our joint efforts really come to fruition, a unity that even the Rovers and Scouters had said they had never seen in a batch of leaders for a long time... what happened to such qualities? Where did I lose them? Or is it just one of those things that can only happen amongst guys, and never from/with/among girls?
Then again, throw the gender thing out the window, what about us as Christians? I find it hard to believe that while I was, effectively non-Christian (backslider) back then, I found acceptance and the kind of group dynamics that was truly what was called the spirit of brotherhood and family, and amongst other non-Christians as well. It's ironic that the same cannot be said now that I'm among my fellow Christians. Aren't we called to a higher standard? Yet I find myself thinking back and admitting the situation then was much more preferable to the one I'm in now.
So, is it just another one of those bonds that can be only forged among guys as we go through hardships and endure militaristic discipline together, or do we need to reconsider how we're acting as Christians?
A personal question for myself would be, SFC... or 04 Pelandok Scouts? Which one gave me the real sense of belonging and family? I'd have to say the latter, and it pains me to admit that it was among non-Christians who don't have the kind of example Jesus set for us written down in a book that I found people who really displayed the what Christlike character is...
My final question remains, do I still see myself serving in SFC, or has it become a place where I am no longer welcome and unhappy memories?
Whatever my answer, the situation demands a response, and once again I'm caught between the easy one... and the one that the voice of Jesus is calling me to.
--Xiang An at 7:44 PM
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
TIRED
Only managed to fall asleep at 1-2am that past 2 nights... Thankfully I've been able to stay awake for most of my lessons (or the vital parts at least xD)
Met Maria at the bus stop while we were both heading home. She was telling me how she couldn't get P and C and so I offered to help her at KFC at Greenridge (since we both live in the area)
And... she overslept. I was supposed to call her, but her phone was on silent. Fortunately Greenridge is just right beside my block so I wasn't waiting like an idiot in there. Hahaha. It's freezing (a welcome change to SA's air cons, UNTIL you start drinking the Pepsi.)
School's getting kind of... boring. Aside from Math, which is killing me.. I hate stats. All the other subjects are easy and yet the foreboding sense of complacency that looms overhead and threatens to strike me dead is so tangible. Oh well. Good thing I've got mugger classmates that "motivate" me to mug.
Discipline schoolwork wise is slowly coming to me, yet I still have to work on actually doing it at home... Unfortunately either my laptop or bed seduces me when I try to date my books. Sigh. Looks like I'll have to find some place away from home to study after all.
Though stopping in the middle of games and actually going to do stuff comes a lot easier now. I remember when I would easily drag 2 to 3 hours before getting anything requested of me done while I was on the computer... Now the lag time extends to 5 to 10 minutes most (depending on the urgency... I still tend to drag for an hour or so for trivial stuff xD)
Slow and steady. Though of course, there are many other things in my lifestyle and character that needs working on. It's hard to keep in mind the words "progressive sanctification" and remind myself accepting Christ does not mean never sinning again after an overnight effort. It's a constant battle to stay on the right path and I've strayed quite a bit the past few days, but I'm determined to get back on track.
Not that my demons are going to make it easy... but who needs to be afraid of that when God is with me and guiding me every step of the way? Maybe it's time to stop gushing over DAO so much and get back to a bit of prayer and worship at home and not just on the bus ride.. Hm.
HUGE craving for another cup of Pepsi... but at the rate I'm guzzling soft drinks, I'll get diabetes soon. Must... resist.
=====
Irrelevant note: I still can't get over Mr Yuen's comment on FB: "When Tony Stark says talk to the hand you may find it somewhat... repulsive."
=====
Gaston made a really smart retort today. I'm going to try to use more often xD
--Xiang An at 10:01 PM
Monday, May 17, 2010
Six feet from the edge
And I'm falling.
Feeling so far off from my friends, from my family, from school. Feels as if I'm the odd one out in everything.
It's that feeling again, the one where you're part of the group but you don't feel like it. I'm gonna miss them when they step down, yet it sucks to know I won't be graduating with them.
And it kind of feels like I've been written off. Another loser that got himself retained and has to watch his friends move on while he's stuck in the same place.
It's not a good feeling but no matter how much I try to fight it, it just depresses me even more.
I hate this feeling.
It seems as though my demons are going all out to tempt me... and winning the fight so far. Sloth, lust, loneliness... I'm just sick and tired of dealing with this.
--Xiang An at 5:43 PM
Friday, May 14, 2010
Despite my last post...
One thing has had me gushing like a stupid fanboy the past few days... Dragon Age: Origins. A fantastic RPG with a really awesome world and lore. Created by BioWare, the company that brought us KOTOR and Mass Effect, so you bet it's freaking awesome!
Warden - Guy with shield and sword, the character you play, fully customisable :D
Sten - Stoic warrior guy from a race of fighters... Think Neo mixed with Leonidas.. with a love for cookies :D
Morrigan - Mage, looks much hotter in game xD She's a shapeshifter though it's a useless class, she brings some really powerful spells into your arsenal (did I mention she joins you AFTER the prelude of the game, meaning you practically control what spells she gains AFTER that? That's a solid Level 5-6 to 20.)
Leliana - Rogue which you can choose to turn into an archer or dual wielding melee as seen in the video... She looks MUCH HOTTER in the trailer though.. Reformed bad girl persona.. Pfft.
Really cool universe, and the human religion parallels Christianity in some sense (no, really) and the other fact that... As a mage there's a specialization called Arcane Warrior that basically turns you into a tank with devastating magic spells (though admitted you don't really have enough mana to play around with)
Notably, there are 6 different "origins" for your character and the decisions and dialogue options (even choice of character romances!) affects the ending of the game... Really cool. Plus there's DLC.
The wiki alone has a lot cool information on the game... And the fact that one playthrough isn't nearly enough to discover the sheer incredibility of the game, it makes for one addictive RPG...
Too bad there's school ):
--Xiang An at 9:43 PM
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Distant
That's how I've been feeling the past few days, far off from everything. Detached, without a sense of belief or emotion.
Growing sick and tired of so many things, things that seem to grow more and more pointless with each day. What's the point of school, when we're not being educated but instead have knowledge shoved into our minds aimlessly? What's the point of going through the motions day by day, just mindlessly existing?
Life is meant to be lived, not done... and yet the very place we're in teaches us that knowing how something works is enough.
Has all of humanity forgotten rule 32? ENJOY THE LITTLE THINGS. Perhaps that's why I like zombie movies so much. Other than the gore and horror and just watching a couple of people slaughtering their way through hordes of undead corpses for survival, it teaches us one important lesson, that not until we stare death in the face do we realise what's truly important... and that is why the world seems sad to me.
Because earth might just have to become a land ruled by the dead before we learn to START LIVING.
I say don't go to school out of obligation, but go to school and let it open your eyes to the marvel of the world around you. Case in point, the computer. We all know how to use one (since you're reading this blog...) but how many us would actually be able to REPAIR our computer. I don't mean double click on anti-virus, I mean disassemble it and repair the hardware. Isn't it ironic that school teaches us how to use computers to research and how it's a powerful tool for learning, but fails to teach us how to REPAIR THE TOOL IF IT BREAKS?
I mean, looking deeper into some of the way we do things really makes you question how we've survived so far, and I've come to the conclusion that it really is the grace of God that we haven't Darwin awarded ourselves as an entire race. Victims of the education system, we learn but we do not understand. We know but we cannot do.
What good are brains and intelligence if we're not taught how to use it?
It's a thought that's come from the past few weeks of observing the J1s learn the ropes of setting up for morning worship (which have Chris and I smacking our foreheads in pure frustration.. Details in a bit.) They've been blessed by the fact they're given a week to learn and practise how to handle the equipment, Chris and I were basically given a one-off demonstration by Kelvin and left to our own devices (though admittedly it was probably because we picked up fast)
AND people still show up late and appear unapologetic or apathetic. A small handful, but I guess it's another thing Singaporeans have to learn (punctuality... Singaporeans are HORRIBLE at this, compared to other countries.. go look it up.) Though one fact that has gotten both laughter and tears from me is how blur they are... (or maybe Pearl just sucks at explaining xD)
Again, school is growing pointless when the answer matters more than the question, when one has to be given the answer instead of finding out for themselves, when mistakes are frowned upon instead of a way to learn... Why can't we just take things as they're supposed to be? Educating is so much more important than teaching. It isn't the answer that matters in the end, it's the process of discovering that ultimately teaches us much more than the revelation ever could. I thank God for my gift of learning and my curiousity to keep learning stuff (although many people think what I know is useless and on more than one occasion has pissed people thinking I'm some know-it-all...)
Enjoy the little things, enjoy the learning, every step on the way to school as a chance to admire the beauty the Lord has placed around us... We should cherish it. Every piece of knowledge we've gained is important because God has spoken to us through the things He has placed in this world as much as "the loud booming voice" he uses in the bible... If we do not learn to see God in the things He has created and placed around us, how can we expect to see "signs and miracles" from Him?
"Sometimes we've just got to look closer, instead of searching so hard." - Lines from Dear God, a song by FM Static. Meaningful and so true...
--Xiang An at 9:08 PM
Monday, May 10, 2010
A morbid thought
Do we live like it's our last day on earth?
People keep saying they want to see their purpose in Christ come to pass, and strive to have things work out that way, but what if God decided that tonight, or tomorrow you would join Him in heaven, what then? Some would say it'd be joyful to be reunited with Him, but...
What have we left behind? In all our endless struggles for good grades, have we forgotten that above it all, we're meant to show our classmates and friends God's love and grace in our lives?
What about the people we see everyday who are going through tough times, and the simplest thing we could've done was to sit beside them in the morning and ask a simple, "What's up?" but we decided to go sit somewhere else and talk to the friends in our own cliques?
An interesting question I've been pondering, one with no easy answers. I mean, one could say that you can't expect 18 year olds to do such things flawlessly day by day, but are we doing our best or are we being blinded by our own worries, even those of equal proportion to mine? My storm is big right now, but am I willing to go out to help someone whose storm is bigger? Heck it, even if their storms are much, much smaller?
Doesn't God hold us to a much higher standard? Or is it simply a fact that He's not done molding us and we'll be much better at knowing and discerning when one of our friends needs someone to be there for them as we mature as Christians? OR are we already capable enough of doing that, just that we're choosing not to see, or choosing to be blinded by the things we're going through?
Lots of questions, none easy to answer. Student called to be Christian, or Christian called to be a student? Which is which? How good is good enough, even when we say God looks at the heart and not the deed?
Ultimately, if we left this world tomorrow, how will people remember us? As a hardworking student, or someone who was always there to show them God's love and compassion even while they're going through their own truckload of crap? Hm.
--Xiang An at 4:10 PM
Thursday, May 06, 2010
No matter what
If God is good If God is just If God loves us If God lifts us up on wings like eagles If God desires what's best for us If God has a perfect plan
Would He stop being God if we "entrust" things to Him and they don't turn out our way?
Saying "yes" is easy, living by that answer is another thing.
--Xiang An at 4:23 PM
Tuesday, May 04, 2010
Rest
Did this video while I wait for stupid school servers to stop overloading and let me access my e learning assignments.
Feels so awesome to know that no matter what, I can find rest in the shelter of His love =) Almost makes me wonder how we could ever take the grace given to use for granted, how we could be so blind to the countless blessings in our lives even when one thing makes life difficult.
=====
Still, soft Quietly spoken voice That persistently called my name And quickens my heart to come And I come
And I rest in the shelter of Your love And I rest in the wonder of Your grace And I rest in the shelter of Your love And I rest in the wonder of You
--Xiang An at 3:45 PM
Sunday, May 02, 2010
Better than Drugs
Feel You when I'm restless Feel You when I cannot cope You're my Addiction, my Prescription, my Antidote You kill my poison Ease the suffering Calm the rage when I'm afraid To feel again
How can I tell You just all that You are What You do to me
You're better than drugs Your love is like wine Feel You coming on so fast Feel You coming to get me high You're better than drugs Addicted for life Feel You coming on so fast Feel You coming to get me high
Feel You every heartbeat Feel You on these empty nights You're the strength of my life
I can so feel the eyes rolling at the analogy this song uses and my decision to use this song coming from certain people. Hahaha.
--Xiang An at 6:37 PM
Laying down my rights
Leading morning worship on Friday was tough, with all the things going on in my life. I nearly broke down in front of the congregation as I lead the songs. I was singing about surrender, about making Jesus our only desire and the question echoing in my head was, "How far?"
How far does my trust of His sovereignty extend? My mom's starting chemo in 3 weeks, and it's going to be a testing period for the whole family, for me to be there to support her as well as bearing my responsibilities as a Christian called to be a student, a friend, a Christian who made my stand to serve Him even in college. I don't see this circumstance as an excuse to slack off in any area, but what if God decides to not to make things "better"? Whether my mom is totally healed of her cancer or the worst is yet to come, how far do I trust God that no matter what the outcome of this, He has a plan for good to come out of it?
Simply put, God challenged me, "Would you still praise me and give thanks if I DON'T save your mother?"
And how far would I go in surrendering my "rights"? My father said things will be tight financially but how much was I willing to surrender to alleviate this situation? Not spending so much of my allowance, taking that 25 minute walk to the bus stop instead of taking the train just to save on transport fares? Taking things to another extreme, am I willing to sacrifice going to university to take care of my mother, to make sure we can tide this through financially?
The last question, how far would I go to be a blessing to others, to love those around me even while I'm facing tough times? It's been tough not simply exploding at some people for complaining about the minor things in their lives, instead to choose to care for my friends and understand their own frustrations and pet peeves regarding the situations they're in.
So yes, there is a really long list of things I have to deal with in this period and even seemingly impossible to achieve, but it's in times of adversity that we remember just how much God is providing for us, how carefully He watches over us and how much He is there to support us even in our trials. This is one of those season where I'm glad God isn't there to make things easy, but to make things possible.