Monday, August 31, 2009

Letting Go

Teachers' Day! The day we all show our appreciation and gratitude to our teachers for all the things they've done for us in school, both in the aspect of academia and personal life.

Of course, let us never forget our Heavenly Father, who is always teaching us every new day, and places different teachers in different forms in our lives to guide our way in life.

So a big thank you to all my teachers, both former and current, for all the things you've done, all the advice and wake up calls you've given, for putting up with my annoying behaviour and really inspiring me to strive to be more than I am.

A big thank you as well, to Jesus for teaching me something new each day, for truly imparting life's most important lessons to me and watching over me, giving me guidance in my times of trial and upset.

The celebrations were awesome, although I wished we as students would appreciate our teachers more everyday we are in school, and not just once a year!

-----

Went to watch Year One with the 433 gang today, after going back to SJI to pay a visit. It was a hilarious movie, expected of Jack Black. Although at the end I wished I hadn't gone for the movie.

Why? Cause I had to see her at the cinema as well. The specific details are too dangerous to put on a blog and if anyone wants to know, they can always ask me in private.

I guess it's a wake up call, and God is telling me it's time to give up. Well, I hear you, Lord, and I'll give up. I guess I knew there was never any hope in the first place.

Thanks Pearl, for telling me this and keeping me in the right mindset, "God gives and takes away, but our hearts still choose to say blessed is His name!"

Is one girl worth getting upset over? Is one girl worth crying and losing sight of God? Not ever. How can I say I'm going to humble myself and do His will if I'm not even going to listen and give up on a girl?

Your will be done, Lord. I will live my life dying to myself and living for You alone.

Giving up on a girl is not easy, and I guess it'll take time for my emotions to die down. I ask for forgiveness in advance if at some point in the near future I seem to be emo or easily irritated and say mean things.

Lord, I also ask that you keep me strong and help me overcome this emotional hurt. You heal all wounds and illnesses, and I know this small hurt is nothing compared to the love I have in You, Lord. And truly, Your love is the only one I'll ever need.



This song just about describes my current situation, and the (former) situation with my ex. Sigh.
--Xiang An at 9:58 PM


Sunday, August 30, 2009

Living it out.

"Preach the Gospel and if necessary, use words."

Pastor Darrick told us this in service today. I felt the words resonate within my heart. God was speaking to me, telling me to stop talking about ideals and beliefs and start living up to them, not in small amounts but to the full potential. Never to compromise on my beliefs, even if people hate me for it.

It's also a promise that the road ahead will be tough as well, I guess. Like the picture I posted before, faith doesn't make things easy, it makes things difficult. And now's the time to really start seeking God even more, it's time for me to really start listening to Him more closely.

I'm slowly beginning to feel the pressure build up, from leading the Service Ministry, SFC, to PW, to promos and to church. It's slowly testing my discipline and my limits. I'm thankful God is here to see me through it all. The lyrics to Still have been repeating in my head lately: "When the oceans rise and thunders roar, I will soar with You above the storm. Father You are King over the flood, I will be still and know You are God."

Everyday is a learning experience. Everyday God is patting me on the back for the things I've done right, encouraging me to go even further with them and showing me the mistakes I've made and telling me to correct them. For each admirable quality I've displayed, for each imperfection I've shown in the past week, God is proud of them all and moulding me through each of them. It's been a trying week, but I'm so glad I have no cause for regret.

A united Body of Christ. 4ONE. Been praying at every opportunity I've had for the people I'm inviting, I find myself thinking about them and hoping to God that they'll be able to come, that He'll remove the hindrances in their lives and let them have this worship experience. =)

Today was "Tuition Ministry" day. The guys from the Armed Forces cells came down and tutored the JC students in their subjects. It was kind of hilarious because after spending all that time in NS, they forgot a lot of their knowledge and had to recall the information for quite long before they could fully explain whatever we had doubts in.

Especially when it came to them explaining Econs, Market Failure. Someone brought up the example of SAF for public goods and all the AF guys in the room where "WAI! WHY TUTOR THEM ALSO GOT SAF COME OUT ONE?!" xD

It kept repeating and then it slowly became the taboo "3 letter word" someone else used defense force and the AF guys turned around and "THAT'S THE SAME AS SAF!" hahaha. Epic. Oh man, it's like a premonition of what is going to happen to me in the future...
--Xiang An at 9:49 PM




Superman and God

This is an entirely contemplative post.

I was listening to Superman by Five For Fighting when I heard this line from the song - "Don't be naive, even heroes have the right to bleed". It got me thinking, why do people say "I'm not Superman!" when faced with situations they think they can't handle?

Superman isn't invincible, once he's exposed to Kryptonite he's as human as anyone, and he definitely bleeds. Sure, he's strong and he can stop bullets with his bare flesh, but even Superman has weakness, even Superman can fall.

So why do we say such a thing? Why do we look up to superheroes so much? Perhaps it's the fact that they each have special abilities we can only dream of having in our minds, perhaps it's because they have qualities that resonate within us, perhaps it's just the sheer awesome badass aura they have. It may be as simple as the fact that they seem to be immortal at times.

You know the one thing superheroes can't do? Admit defeat. The world expects them to take on the burden of protecting them, everyone is counting on them to keep them safe, hence superheroes cannot ever show signs of weakness. They represent good, justice. If they fall, justice falls. If they are weak, it means that good is weak in the presence of evil. This is why it's better to be human some times.

To be able to admit that we are flawed, that we need someone to pick us up at times - that is why we humans never stop improving, never stop going beyond who we are. Superheroes can't do that because to admit that they can fall means admitting that even the forces of good can fail. I think that's where the comic book universe is flawed - the superhero must never falter, he must always stand up, no matter how heavy a blow he is dealt by the villain. He must continue to fight until his very last breath.

Another line from the song - "Even the best fall down some times". Superman has definitely fallen, so has almost every other superhero. The thing is, they're sad. They have to pick themselves up. They can never go in front of others and say, "Look, I may be strong, but I'm not invincible" In a Christian context, they can't say, "God help me", because superheroes are supposed to be strong on their own.

I'm thankful for the fact that I'm not Superman. I know I will make mistakes. I know when I do I can count on God to see me through, that He will be there to pick me up when I fall. I know He is there to uphold me with his righteous right hand. I can humble myself before Him and say, "God, I've screwed up, teach me how not to make this mistake again. Make me stronger."

You realise that Superman, when he's near death, can regenerate when he's exposed to the Earth's sun rays. Even Superman needs an external source of power to revive him after a severe blow. Guess what? If he's alone and in the dark, that's about the end of the game for him.

And you know why it's awesome if God is your source of strength and power? He's omnipresent. Everywhere and anywhere, no matter when or where you fall, He is there to pick you up. No matter how painful or severe the fall, He can still pick you up. He has no limitations.

Perhaps it's time we stop wishing we were superheroes and start realising that being human and trusting in God - that is true "invincibility".
--Xiang An at 12:33 AM


Friday, August 28, 2009

No compromise

Ventures Night is tomorrow. Guess what? A junior asked me if I was bringing a date.

That was just a joke. The whole date thing was started as an attempt to get us to interest girls in joining ventures, because girls bring a "new resource pool" to the ventures.

I was actually laughing until he told me that a certain someone that used to annoy the hell out of everyone (imagine me a hundred times more annoying and you'd be close to an idea of what he's like) was bringing a date.

I had two reactions:

A - WHAT THE CRAP?! I must be doing something wrong as a guy. I will not stand for this! Why is this guy bringing a date when we all thought every girl he knows gets irritated to hell by him? What am I doing wrong to lose out to this guy?

B - Why would I want to compete with him about this? It's stupid. Besides, do I really want to subject my female friends to this kind of embarrassment? Watching how much of retarded jokers Pelandok scouts actually are? Being the centre of attention and having everyone assume she is attached to me (which should just not happen to any girl, ever). Not to mention, it's a reunion with my batch mates, do I want to go there and be distracted by a girl? Not that I mean any offense to the female gender, I just believe some things should be best left as sausage fests.

Of course, an image of Waki destroying the SJI Founders' Hall easily settled that I would not stand for it if any girl I knew appeared there as my date. Ever.

It was really comical, really. I was asking God, "Would asking a date count as breaking my commitment to you to stay single and not be distracted from You by girls?"

I decided to be strict with the definition of distraction and just plain not going to subject any of my female friends to this torture. No compromise, just go there and have fun with my guy friends. Who needs girls to be around to have fun when you have brothers who have gone through all kinds of crap imaginable with you?
--Xiang An at 8:27 PM


Thursday, August 27, 2009

Prayer and Fasting, ME

Second day into my fasting for 4ONE, for the classmates I'm planning on inviting. I actually managed to go through the day without breakfast and lunch. Okay, the fact that I forgot to bring any money didn't leave me much choice, but still.

ME was interesting, to say the least. "What do guys/girls look for in the opposite sex" The girls had the usual, although I flinched when I saw rich and romantic down there. To each his (or in this case, her) own I guess, although those are two things I personally do not believe should be the basis of a relationship.

The guys, well, I hope they were just clowning around at the stuff they wrote, about wanting their girlfriends to be well-endowed (phrased in a less polite manner). The dream I had about my ex last night did little to improve my emo state during ME.

Beauty is possibly the most temporal of all traits to look for in a partner. I wrote down "God-fearing", although I was kind of apprehensive about the reaction from the class. Although I decided not to bother, it's my opinion and belief.

I would have preferred not to write anything on the board at all. I know everyone has their own list of qualities they look for in a partner, but I believe you don't build relationship on those things. I believe in honouring God above all else, and trusting that He has planned it out for you, even when it comes to relationships.

Seriously speaking, even with my own list of things I look for in a girl, if God sends her to me, she would not have to fulfill any or all of the qualities I thought of. A relationship should be built on the foundation of faith and it should glorify God, not serve to make me happy. Yes, happiness is one thing, but why wouldn't you prefer to have one that is joyful? Happiness fades as troubles come, but joy is something that is eternal, something that you only get from loving God, and in the knowledge that God has paired you with the one guy/girl He has intended. Surely then you'll know you're blessed even if sucky circumstances happen to you.

Another reason why I didn't want to answer the question was because I don't believe that is the right question to ask when it comes to relationships. I believe the right question should be, "What do we have to offer to our partners?" A relationship shouldn't be based on what we are getting from the other party, but the sacrifices we're willing to make for them and the thing we are ready to do for them.

It's easy to say it out, but it's harder to live it out. It's the same for me too. Honestly speaking, I don't have any idea what I have to contribute to a relationship other than being there for my significant other. I guess there aren't many girls in Singapore who'd take kindly to being told they come third place, first being God and second being family.

Honestly though, I think things like break ups and divorce if people thought about what they could do for the other person, instead of thinking of self-gratification, if they thought about their willingness to sacrifice instead of basing relationships on emotion.

Personally, it's something I've been striving to do as well. To drop my stupid infatuation, to stop letting it affect me so much and just trust in God's plan for me. Of course, the learning journey of becoming a truely humble guy that can put his significant other above himself, and always place God first. To never let my heart rule over my brain. Emotions fade but unconditional love is rational, and it never leaves.

Although it's just my belief, and people are welcome to their own.

---



A picture that speaks a lot about faith =) For those who are feeling weary or disillusioned, commit your problems unto God, let Him guide you and take care of you.=)

God bless you all!
--Xiang An at 5:18 PM


Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Letters from Ishi Mura

This post is going to be really retarded and short, because I'm so tired I basically fell asleep standing on the bus. How tired? My thoughts were hardly coherent. Jumping from thinking about one thing then somehow tenuously linking it to something else.

Learning journey was awesome, although I was quite irritable at the start and almost snapped at Waki with a mean reply when she was trying to freak me out by saying listening to MP3 makes us dumber because of the radioactivity. (Which, sadly, doesn't happen unless 'listening to MP3' is actually calling someone and talking to them on the phone) I was trying to take a nap and she was in Waki mode.

Thankfully I managed to keep my mouth shut, and throughout the rest of the trip my irritability subsided and gave way to my cheerful persona once again. Well, that may be partly due to the fact that I was walking down the exhibits with Pearl, watching her point out the weird (and really disturbing) stuff.

Highlight A: She was laughing at a picture of a soldier receiving his firearm when he wasn't wearing a shirt.

Highlight B: She was laughing at exhibit 37. I'm just going to be blunt here and say that it was about this Japanese prostitute who worked in Singapore and there were basically soundtracks of her entertaining her customers, if you get what I mean. I made a really grossed out expression when I heard those parts, and she was laughing her ass off at it.

I now draw the conclusion that the SFC girls are all to some extent really twisted people.

Oh. Highlight C: Pearl couldn't open her locker. My witty comment on the situation? "You can't unlock the Mentors' Room door in the morning and now your locker door fails."

We discovered this screen which displayed pixellated, black and white images of us on it when we were standing at the area in front of it. The girls thought it was cute. So what's the reaction? If you guess camwhore, you're right.

Not that it's a bad thing. Although it is hard to take a picture of that screen when you're crazily tall and just end up off screen.

Headed over the Ishi Mura to eat, and initially Chris and I were kind of worried when we suggested the place and the girls were walking around, unsure of what to order. We thought we'd dragged them here and they didn't see anything they liked when we had already ordered our food.

Thankfully they enjoyed the food, and we had an awesome dinner table conversation. Yes, maybe getting to the topic of NS and the different units and weaponry and NS experience with a table full of girls is a bad idea, but hey, it was conversation.

Waki happens to want to join the RSAF, like Chris. I had this image of her chasing down his plane with loaded missiles just for fun of trying to shoot Chris out of the sky, or possibly because he pissed her off.

An interesting day, and yes, if you have come to the conclusion that the girls in SFC are twisted at some level as well, I don't blame you.

God bless you!
--Xiang An at 9:05 PM


Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Boys and Girls

Met up with Chris after school, since we both had time to kill. Had lunch at Mac's where he confided in me about a certain situation.

I have to say I'd agree with him on that, although I'd say the situation isn't beyond salvaging. We the spiritual leaders of the school facing the division.

The both of us have been labelled as anti-social by the girls, and while that is true to some extent, I think the appropriate word is awkward. Chris and I have both been in all boys' school the past 4 years. The critical years of puberty for us have been spent completely in the absence of girls. I only started going to church regularly this year, and Chris attends the adult service.

The conclusion? We just don't freaking know how to communicate with girls, other than of course, making fun of them and being a gentleman (and even the latter screws up at times)

Personally, I feel uncomfortable around the girls. They're so open with each other and close, and I just feel... left out. Not because I'm a guy, but because I don't know how to have a normal conversation that doesn't involve wisecracks and lame comments.

Then there are things I only feel comfortable sharing about with guys, and Chris happens to be the only other J1 guy in SFC. So while we may seem clique-ish and anti-social, I believe this all stems from simple misunderstanding. We're not segregating ourselves from the girls, we're just not comfortable or not used to their presence.

And now, it has come to a point where we feel the girls have become a clique in SFC, and I believe the reverse is true as well.

Hopefully a little honesty and tact will resolve this situation. I hope that SFC will not be divided into SFC(F) and SFC(M).
--Xiang An at 7:51 PM


Monday, August 24, 2009

Waving the white flag.

I deleted my previous post, and I take back my words. Yes, I was angry and lost self-control. I had no right to talk about my parents in that manner and I just needed to vent my anger somewhere. I knew, somewhere within me, that I didn't mean the words I typed. There was a little voice within me whispering to me that ultimately, I don't hate my parents. I know they love me, and despite the fact that the way they show it gets on my nerves some times, they ultimately just want the best for me. It was my fault I didn't speak up.

Yes, I'm admitting I chose to ignore that voice, and posted my anger here for all to see. Yes, it was immature of me, it was stupid. Yet it offered me an outlet. It was the only outlet I saw which kept my anger in silence, away from my family and I took it. When I knew God was here to help me I had only asked. But I didn't.

So I'm waving a white flag. I surrender. Abba Father, I'm admitting that I'm flawed, that I alone am worthless and truly imperfect. Only in You can I truly become something better. I'm going to stop making promises, but trust in You to mould me and change my heart.

This post was originally super emo, but I'm glad Bro Nic came to talk to me and helped me see things clearly. I shouldn't wallow in self-pity, no matter how crappy I feel. I'm supposed to be the cheerful guy, the guy who finds the comedy in every tragedy and laugh it off. What happened to that?

He told me that yes, when we "fail" and we're in a position of influence/responsibility, we tend to feel like we don't practise what we preach, and people tend to criticise. "We all die a thousand deaths." He said.

He's right, Joseph was prideful and sold by his brother as a slave, then God turned his initial mistake around and made him a prime minister. David and Abraham faltered too.

"The beauty of it is that God was and is able to turn things around, and make something broken into something beautiful according to His timing and plan." Brother Nic, you're right. I should stop feeling sorry for myself and let God take control. There are thing He plans to do through me, and He knows I'm broken, He knows I have my flaws. The focus of all this is that He has plan to turn all that into something good.

Abba Father, I pray that you let me never lose sight of this. You alone are the One that's able to shape my heart and mould away my flaws. Not me, not anyone else, but You alone. I wave a white flag in surrender to Your will. Slap me awake when You need to, but never let me lose sight of Your promise and never let me stray away from You.

Surely You saw the points in my life where I would slip and fall, where I would make mistakes, and surely You had a plan in mind to pick me up and make me stronger. Don't ever let me wallow in self-pity, Lord, but remind me that as surely as the sun will rise, You'll come.

Emo Xiang An has been slain =P

Oh, and God bless you all!
--Xiang An at 7:58 PM


Saturday, August 22, 2009



My homepage

With an awesome background.

The sunlight shining through the canopy reminds me a lot of God, the One who lights our way while we trek through the jungle of life, lighting our path and keeping us aware of danger. =)

God bless you all!
--Xiang An at 11:36 PM


Friday, August 21, 2009

I know You'll carry me



You're amazing but You're taking too much time
I've only got six candles left
And I'm trying to keep this off my mind
Its getting darker but its the way they make me feel
They try to fill my head with questions
They all doubt You but I know You're real

If it takes time then I'll be patient
Know that I will still believe
I'll take Your hand and hold it tightly
Because I know You'll carry me

Take me high, Take me in, Take these last six candles
And when Im tired, and wearing thin.
Give me the strength to carry on
Here I am, see my hands, take these last six candles
We're moving on, we'll keep, keep, moving on

And I'm so thankful for every breath I take
There's not a moment that goes by
I waste wiping tears out of my crying face
Don't look so sad, you've missed the point
I'm still so glad I knew you against the odds
I'll take my chances and burn this candle through you

If I could ever see the way You understand me
When no one else can see it
I know You surround me

I'll be the one who listens only when You tell me
Not walking but running, not talking, yelling

And they might never understand why I do what I do
But I can only speak my mind
And what I feel is true
I'll take a vow to be the only one who stands if it takes
All that I am, I will be standing, there, there

---

I might be feel like I'm alone, feeling like no one else cares, feeling like I'm of no importance, but Lord, I know You're here with me, I know You are carrying me no matter what I'm going through. Take these last six candles, use them as You will. I'll stand for You even if I feel like I'm abandoned.

I might feel insignificant, but each time I reach out with kindness, I'm making a difference. Use me as You will, guide me to where You want to use me. I'll listen when You tell me. I won't talk about You but yell out Your name, I can only speak my mind and what I feel is true. I'll take a vow to be the only one who stands if it takes.

---

If anyone is wondering why I'm so emo, it's because today the devil has been trying to convince me that everyone else would prefer to hang out with others than me, that even my own family in SFC would prefer to hang out among themselves than share the conversation with me. And I was listening to that song on the way home and it just spoke to me. I chose to ignore what the devil was telling and listen to God, trusting that the people He has placed in my life are good people.

---



I was look for the song I would die for You by Mercy Me, the song played during chapel, and I came across this video using the song as the music. It really touched me, the things in the video. I hope you guys have the time to watch the whole thing, and it is my prayer that this video will impact you.

Lyrics:

And I know that I can find You here
'Cause You promised me You'll always be there
Times like these, it's hard to see
But somehow I have a peace, You're near
And I pray that You will use my life
In whatever way Your name is glorified
Even if surrendering
Means leaving everything behind

My life has never been this clear
Now I know the reason why I'm here
You never know why You're alive
Until you know what you would die for
I would die for You

And I know I don't have much to give
But I promise You I will give You all there is
Can I possibly do less
When through Your own death I live?

No greater love is found
Than of those who lay their own lives down
As sure as I live and breathe
Now I know what it means to be free

God bless you all, and my prayers go with you.
--Xiang An at 9:45 PM


Thursday, August 20, 2009

What is it we would die for?

Listening to the speaker this morning (while in the AVA), I was contemplating the statement the speaker made. "You are never truly alive until you know what you would die for."

It put a lot of things in perspective. All the stress I've been going through this week, the exhaustion. Is all worth getting fed up over? It's not like Learning Fest is going to last forever, even though it may seem like it.

I guess it's a thing among Singaporean students, stressing out over grades. When I look at my classmates, former or current, crying over grades, it pains my heart. I care about them, and it hurts me to see them crying over something so insignificant.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not advocating not studying, but if the world was ending in 10 days, would we still spend it reading our lecture notes, spend it mugging? I don't think so. Grades are important to secure a future, but why be upset over failure, over getting bad grades? I've never seen the point.

Bad grades shouldn't cause regret, but rather instill lessons. Didn't work as hard? Work harder. Made mistakes you shouldn't have? Learn from them and carry on. I never saw a point in crying over my mistakes, in life or in my school work. Grades aren't worth dying for.

Jeremiah 29:11

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

God has promise, a sure plan for us. Our future is secure in His hands, trust Him and let go of all your worries and frustrations, let go of the life you're holding on to and let God hold it. For my friends out there feeling stressed, feeling tired and feeling lost and unsure, God has a plan, let Him hold you.

I imagined if someone were to point a gun at my head and asked me if my beliefs were dying for, and heard myself giving the answer "I'd die for Christ." I questioned myself if it were true. Dying to ourselves isn't easy. A choice between what is right in God's eyes and what is pleasing in ours. Give up the girl, give up your computer games/Facebook, give up your hatred for someone else. Things not easy to achieve, things I aspire to do - dying to myself, and bearing my cross.

Live a life of worship, let go of your frustration and anger, let Me take control. God has been telling me all this, and been proving to me just how powerful He is this week, and I've been taking each small step, learning to trust Him more, learning to abandon my pride and my self-righteousness and truly, be a Saint For Christ, to serve my classmates and those around me with humility, being a blessing to others, even if they get on my nerves.

Well, actually, the people who get on my nerves are the people I really care about, so I'm choosing to let go of my anger and embracing the love of God within me, to be nice and be a friend to those around me even while things are making me fed up. I guess some people know how grumpy and mean I get when I get stressed out. I'm glad God has made me so much more patient and taught me how to let go.

So my friend, if you are reading this, are you willing to let go, and let God? Let Him take control of your life, let Him guide you, and you may just find the journey of life taking you to places you never thought you'd be able to see or reach.

Trust in God, and you may just find He's taking you on a ride you'll never forget, and never saw yourself taking. After all, you can only truly live when you pursue something greater than life itself. Are you willing to be reckless, to take that risk and leap of faith?

God bless you all!

-----

I was going to make another post, but decided to just add on to this one. This week has been a trying one. Stress was really getting to me, and my temper was on a short fuse this entire week. I'm glad I didn't raise my voice or anything, although there were times when I was kind of mean to people.

Well, nobody's perfect, and I've never claimed to be. I've been praying about it, and God has been helping me keep my cool, although at certain times I was really close to just losing it and throwing chairs and tables around (I'm exaggerating, but only slightly).

I thank God I haven't broken anything (or bones) yet. Like I said, I tend to be on a short fuse when I'm tired, and this entire week has really drained me physically. There were times I just felt like venting everything out in school, although the things I were thinking wouldn't have been appropriate, or Christ-like.

Thinking about it, God's been beside me this entire week, reminding me not to flare up, not to say things when I know the intention is to basically, piss the other party just because I was stressed out and tired. Although sleep (and loads of junk food) is rather therapeutic.

This morning was the most difficult, I guess you could say that much about it. My temper was on an epic short fuse. Simple things were getting on my nerves that shouldn't have. I'm actually glad I didn't blow my top at all, although I do apologise if I annoyed or stepped on some toes while trying to handle my responsibilities.

I realise that when I feel that I have little time to finish something and things aren't going smoothly, I tend to get fed up and turn into an ass. Spending 4 years in an all guys' school where unrestrained sarcasm is tolerated doesn't help much either. It's still a challenge, adapting to an entirely new culture. SJI seems so different, somehow. I don't know. SJI just seems to really have the entire atmosphere of being a family.

As for SA... I'm still rather undecided. I see SFC as my family, my OG is great (despite the fact that we kind of drifted apart), and my class. Well, they're awesome and fun, although I do wish I had more in common with them. Especially when it comes to talking to the girls in my class.

Yes, I admit it: Xiang An does not know how to talk to ladies. Either I'm telling stupid jokes or saying a piece of information related to the topic that seems to derail it. Shane, Samu and Chris are awesome to be around, especially since we have loads to talk about.

With the guys in my class, I don't know. I'm not that crazy about soccer, I don't watch wrestling, I don't listen to Chinese music that much. Probably the only thing I have in common with some of the guys is that I play the guitar.

I don't blame anyone, I realise I'm just plain anti-social/socially awkward at times. I happy to leave people be if they don't want to talk to me. I still feel uncomfortable taking that first step to reach out and be little more outgoing/friendly.

Although I do have to admit I'm failing miserable in that aspect. I just plain clam up my mouth and fall into utter silence after asking some simple stuff about person X in morning worship. I fail at socialising. Although once I get to know someone I'm totally comfortable with talking to them or just letting loose and being a total all out idiot (joker-idiot, not ass-idiot.)

I've been getting interesting comments from people who read my blog, be it on MSN or in person or on my tagboard. This may sound weird, but I'm actually grateful for the comments on my posts, even if they are criticising me.

Perhaps I should keep this post a bit shorter, since I tend to mislead my actual point when typing for too long. It's just plain awesome to know I have friends who are willing to point out my faults or mistakes and how I can grow and improve in these areas. Something I wish my classmates would do some times. I know I annoy some of them (and possibly there are those in the class who despise my very existence right now), but they keep quiet about it.

Gee, I don't know, at times I really wish they'd just tell me the truth, you know? Like when I'm annoying them or I come off a little arrogant/condescending/resistant. The truth may be ugly, but I'd rather they come up straight to my face and tell me. I feel the pointed looks I get and I suspect some of the anonymous tags on my blog are by my classmates, but I'm kind of bothered by the fact that they don't feel they can let me know they dislike certain traits/habits/actions I have.

I mean, coming from an environment where I have classmates who can walk up to me and say, "Hey dude, I don't think you should do this." or "What you did just now was kind of mean", I've entered an environment where talking about such things makes you someone's enemy. Whatever happened to rebuking in love?

Some thoughts I had to get off my chest, and to whoever might be feeling offended, it is not my intention to put down or attribute blame to any person. It's just my thoughts and opinions on the things I see happening around me.

Everything I've been saying on this post, I guess only God has the power to mould the faults I see in me, the faults that I pray God will help chisel away. He is the One in total control and we just have to trust Him. I'm learning to trust Him more each day.

Like in today's chapel, where a group of us did the best we could, and impact ONE person. Some would say that's a sad number, but knowing you made a powerful impact in just one person's life is encouragement enough. More than ever, I want to be that person for God, just going out there and being a blessing to the people I meet. (Although of course, by impacting I don't mean they have to burst into tears like that one person today)

Life has its ups and downs, but God is still King over the flood. Father, I will be still and know You are God.

For the second time today, God bless you all!

Unrelated side note: This is possibly my longest note, ever.
--Xiang An at 8:50 PM


Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Salvation

Xiang An will not be tanking for Learning Fest! Thank God for all the advice I got from the teacher during the dry run today, basically my job is much simpler now. And the last minute cancellations means there are people free to help me! hahaha.

Awesome. Although Mr Adi did agree to help force people to go, I'm glad it didn't have to come to that. I don't like forcing people to things against their will. Especially when it comes to teaching/making a presentation. I believe stuff like reluctance shows in the way we do things during the process and people will pick up on it and kill their mood.

And that wouldn't be in line with what Learning Festival is about, right? =)

Oh well, I'm glad at least I'll have help with most of the administrative/technical stuff so I don't have to run all over the place or do too much in the little time I have. Whew.

It's nice to see stuff falling into place at the last moment, even when you thought everything would be a flop. I actually think things will work out well on Friday. I'm really grateful I have awesome classmates who are willing to do what they can and save my ass, even at the last minute.

Actually, I think last minute rescues are (albeit a little cliche), but really awesome. Trademark of heroes. And right now, guys like Kai Ye and Ian have superhero aura on in my eyes. Hahaha.

Okay, I'm tired, my retarded humour is leaking through. Time to sleep.

God bless you guys! =P
--Xiang An at 9:47 PM


Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Xiang An needs rechargeable batteries

It's only Tuesday, and I'm dead exhausted.

Stayed back for GP MSA makeup yesterday, and helped out in the AVA for CMW rehearsal today. To give you a clear picture, I'm in school for 13 hours and travelling for 2 hours in total the past few days, with 5 hours occupied by sleep and the other 4, either doing my homework or making the effort to do my quiet time/trying to sleep.

I seriously commend boss for seeming so cheerful and energetic each day. She seems to teleport everywhere and stress seems to flow out of her with ease. Me, I'm trying to keep it together. I am just grateful I have a God who only gives me as much as I can handle. Or I might bring a gun to school and shoot people and myself. (kidding)

Although it has been hard, keeping my patience, trying to stay awake in lectures and not snapping at people for no reason. Well, I've got plenty of reasons to be pissed at people, but I'm choosing be like Jesus and be all mellow, although people might say I'm justified if I were to lose my temper.

Doing stuff for CMW, rushing to catch up on the missed lessons, and having to teach for Learning Fest along because no one else is confident/willing to do it. Sad story of Xiang An's life - always helping, never helped. Not when I'm stressed out, anyway. I'm glad I do get help, but some times I wish it were there when I really needed it.

So, I've basically waste what, 3 bucks? On workshops I won't be attending, because no one else is willing to help me out. "Look at your classmates! They're so carefree and you're stuck holding the short end of the stick! For what? Are they worth it?" The stupid stuff that the devil's been trying to put in my head all day. I'm choosing to ignore this.

Why? God is there to give me strength for the day, He's there to see me through. My classmates have other commitments, and I am the best for the job. Yes, it's unfair, but that's life. I know in my heart that God looks at more than just the action, He looks at the heart. Would I want Him to see my heart filled with frustration and anger? Or a heart that chooses to let it all go and just do what needs to be done wholeheartedly?

Yes, I hate that the current arrangement basically taxes me even more, but hey, who cares? 3 more days and it's over. I'll just enjoy what I can from this experience, whining and complaining won't get anything done. I know God will help me through, I just have to do my best. God did promise that I'll have to put up with difficulties and unfairness, but when I have God on my side, how can something stupid like Learning Fest possibly stand in my way?

Not that I'm not childishly hoping something will come up and kill Learning Fest. I'll be reaching home late tomorrow as well, thanks to the dry run and SFC, not to mention possibly on Thursday if I choose to stay in school to study/work on written report with Min Zhen.

I'd be so glad when this week is over, at least. CMW will be over, along with Learning Fest, basically a huge load will be taken off my chest. I do hope the former will be a great success though, but I'm kind of expecting the latter to be a flop. Why? Because Xiang An cannot stand being the centre of attention, and I'll be trying to speak properly without melting from the stares. Sigh, God does enjoy His cruel irony.

I have comfort in the fact that God has given me the strength to choose between being a blessing and being a pain. I was tired and in a rather bad mood at the end of tonight, but I chose to help where I could and offered Pearl a ride home since my dad was picking me up and we both (sadly) live in the CCK area.

Sigh, I miss my days in SJI where I had a big group of friends who lived in the same area and we'd go home together, gripe about 190 always being crowded on Friday evenings together and just sharing jokes and laughs on the bus. I'm still getting used to taking 966 home alone everyday. It makes me appreciate my Josephian brothers and the 4 years there even more. I'm just glad we still have opportunities to meet up and have fun!

Although in contrast, it might make me look like a total emo in SA, choosing to spend my time alone or with SFC. I like my class, and although they do things I may not approve of or dislike, they're still awesome people. I just get uncomfortable at how little in common I have with them. Well, that's partly because I don't watch soccer or listen to Chinese music, and God knows how the only communication I know when it comes to girls is making fun of them.

My dad asked me about it, since apparently he learned about it from the PMT-phone call. Honestly, I don't know, I feel kind of awkward. I'm probably the least likeable person there is. Not to mention I feel uncomfortable hanging around people when they're all making inside jokes and sharing about the outings they have together that I'm not involved in. I never like clique-ish behaviour, and I try to treat all my friends equally (though admittedly, I'm more comfortable joking around/talking seriously with some more than the rest).

I guess I have a lot more to grow in when it comes to socialising with people, and maybe my beliefs about not being clique-ish or not being exclusive might be alien to others. In fact, I dream of a world where everyone can be totally friendly to each other, where prejudice and cliques, things like being "in" and "out" are non-existent. Idealistic, but hey, it'd be the best world to live in, ever.

God bless!
--Xiang An at 9:36 PM


Monday, August 17, 2009

God's love, sex ed.

When I say..." I am a Christian"
I'm not shouting "I am saved"
I'm whispering "I get lost"
"That is why I chose this way"

When I say..."I am a Christian"
I don't speak of this with pride
I'm confessing that I stumble
and need someone to be my guide

When I say..."I am a Christian"
I'm not trying to be strong
I'm professing that I'm weak
and pray for strength to carry on

When I say..."I am a Christian"
I'm not bragging of success
I'm admitting I have failed
and cannot ever pay the debt

When I say..."I am a Christian"
I'm not claiming to be perfect,
my flaws are all too visible
but God believes I'm worth it

When I say..."I am a Christian"
I still feel the sting of pain
I have my share of heartaches
which is why I seek His name

When I say..."I am a Christian"
I do not wish to judge
I have no authority
I only know I'm loved

This poem was shared during Scripture reading today. It's apt, and true for each and every Christian. Well, those of you who want to point at the those stuck up, holier than thou Christians, go ahead. I'd like to think they're the exception, not the rule.

During civics, Mr Adi tried to catch up on the ME lesson, which was talking about relationships and sexuality. When we finished watching the video and he said he was going to ask questions, there was a sense of apprehension.

I was probably in paranoid, over imaginative mode, but I was wondering what if Mr Adi chose to ask me, since he knew I have had a really screwed up experience (from reading my blog)?

Then, I thought carefully again. So what? The poem encapsulates everything about my faith in God. If I was asked about my relationship with Angie, then I'd be honest, even about the sexual immorality. If people raised questions about me being in SFC or totally shunned me because of it, then it's not really my problem, is it? It's not like I'm saying that's my current view of relationship, if I were to be honest, I'd be confessing I made a stupid mistake once, that's why I'm a bit wiser when it comes to relationships now.

I'm actually hopeful that by being honest about my past, I'd help my friends re-evaluate their views or they'd see how much damage it can do. I mean, it's not like I went all the way, but it was still destructive. If by being honest with your screwed up past, people can learn and avoid making the same mistakes, isn't it worth it? I was kind of hoping to share after thinking about it, actually, but I guess there's a time and place for it.

I kind of silently promised God that if anyone could be helped by me being honest with my screw ups, then I'd tell them I've fallen hard before, but I picked myself up. Yes, I had scars and wounds, but God healed them. If people are wondering, "How can this guy be talking so nonchalantly about having done something like that before?", I'd tell them, "It's not that I'm proud of what I've done, there's better things to do with your mistakes than be guilty and ashamed of them, no matter how big they are. They made me wiser, taught me valuable lessons and if it can help someone else pick themselves up, why should I hide it? My sins are forgiven in Christ, and all my guilt and shame has been laid before Him."

This stanza of the poem is pretty much the story of my life:

When I say..."I am a Christian"
I'm not bragging of success
I'm admitting I have failed
and cannot ever pay the debt

I'm not in SFC in spite of having fallen and done something most people won't say they've done, I'm in SFC because of it. Because I once made a stupid mistake by having a sexually immoral relationship with a girl, and God forgave my sins and healed the hurt I was feeling inside, took away the guilt and shame. That's why I know His love and grace isn't a myth, isn't just something that other people have, because I experienced it myself, and nothing I could ever do in this lifetime could ever repay that debt of forgiveness and love.

I was originally kind of hesitant about posting this, since I was afraid if people were going to go around pointing fingers and gossiping about my past, but heck, I'm going to put aside the cynicism and hope that this post has encouraged/blessed someone out there.

God bless you all!
--Xiang An at 8:33 PM


Sunday, August 16, 2009

The Alchemist - Paulo Coelho

A contemplative post, after re-reading The Alchemist. It's an awesome book, and it was given to me by Mr Charles in Secondary 2. This is an extract of the chapter, but if you're intending to read the book, this might be considered a spoiler.

"This is why alchemy exists," the boy said. "So that everyone will search for his treasure, find it, and then want to be better than he was in his former life. Lead will play its role until the world has no further need for lead; and then lead will have to turn itself into gold.

"That's what alchemists do. They show that, when we strive to become better than we are, everything around us becomes better, too."

"Well, why did you say I didn't know about love?" the sun asked the boy.

"Because it's not love to be static like the desert, nor is it love to roam the world like the wind. And it's not love to see everything from a distance, like you do. Love is the force that transforms and improves the Soul of the World. When I first reached through to it, I thought that the Soul of the World was perfect. But later, I could see that it was like other aspects of creation, and had its own passions and wars. It is we who nourish the Sould of the World and the world we live in will be either better or worse, depending on whether we become better or worse. And that's where the power of love comes in. Because when we love, we always strive to become better than we are."

"So what do you want of me?" the sun asked.

"I want you to help me turn myself into the wind," the boy answered.

"Nature knows me as the wises being in creation," the sun said. "But I don't know how to turn you into the wind."

"Then, whom should I ask?"

The sun thought for a minute. The wind was listening closely, and wanted to tell every corner of the world that the sun's wisdom had its limitations. That it was unable to deal with this boy who spoke the Language of the World.

"Speak to the hand that wrote all," said the sun.

The wind screamed with delight, and blew harder than ever. The tents were being blown from their ties to the earth and the animals were being freed from their tethers. On the cliff, the men clutched at eacher other as they sought to keep from being blown away.

The boy turned to the hand that wrote all. As he did so, he sensed that the universe had fallen silent, and he decided not to speak.

A current of love rushed from his heart, and the boy began to pray. It was a prayer that he had never said before, because it was a prayer without words or pleas. His prayer didn't give thanks for his sheep having found new pastures, it didn't ask that the boy be able to sel more crystall and it didn't beseech that the woman he had met continue to await his return. In the silence, the boy understood that the desert, the wind and the sun were also trying to understand the signs written by the hand, and were seeking to follow their paths, and to understand what had been written on a single emerald. He saw that omens were scattered throughout the earth and in space, and that there was no reason or significance attached to their appearance; he could see that not the deserts, nor the winds, nor the sun, nor people knew why they had been created. But that the hand had a reason for all of this, and that only the hand could perform miracles, or transform the sea into a desert... or a man into the wind. Because only the hand understood that it was a larger design that had moved the universe to the point at which six days of creation had evolved into a Master Work.

The boy reached through to the Soul of the World, and saw that it was a part of the Soul of God. And he saw that the Soul of God was his own soul. And that he, a boy, could perform miracles.

-----

I'll leave you to draw your own contemplations from that passage. What is our destiny, as Christians, as an individual called by God, as a normal person? Each of us has our own destiny and when we fulfil it, we then transcend it, evolve into something better, something greater.

For me, I've always believed God is moulding each of us into a perfect work, like an alchemist turns lead into gold. Each time we fulfil our destinies He helps us evolve into something greater. God alone has given each of us the ability to surpass ourselves and become more, given each of us the ability to work miracles.

Like Shane said, tales of great faith and miracles come out of the most horrible situations. The love of God that tranforms, multiplies, evolves everything and everyone into more than we are, gives us something more, makes us greater than our former selves is the same love that we should strive to show those around us. Then, we shape the world into something better, give it a little more hope, a reason for those in the darkness to believe and come to the light.

I don't know why I'm contemplating this when I have Chem MSA tomorrow (well, I've done my catching up, time to start absorbing), but it's an interesting thought to ponder and this encourages me all the more the become better than I am, because when I do, everything around becomes better.

I'm hopeful that as we realise our destinies in SFC, in SAJC and evolve, become more than what we are, we grow that closer to shaping the college into a place where the presence of God is so strong it's practically tangible. Works are in motion, and they will be done with or without us, perhaps now is the time where we strive to achieve that destiny.
--Xiang An at 9:12 PM




Reinvigoration and you're so full of shit

If you wish to call up the school counsellor and refer me there, I don't blame you.

A day of unmaking, of dying and revival. Breaking down all the little walls I built up inside and telling God to use all of the things I've been hiding - my hurts and failures, fears and insecurities.

Like a dam that's held back too much, a flood of emotion just swept through me during service as I laid everything before God, everything I've been holding back. Telling Him to use all of it, even the hurts and failures, all the wounds and scars I've hidden away from the world. I laid it bare before the Lord.

There was a sense of relief, like a great load had been taken off my shoulders. As if God was telling me, "Stop carrying the world on your shoulders, stop blaming yourself and stop being emo." I had to stop being a masochist and taking up all the pain myself, as if no one else can bear this cross with me.

"I've placed good people in your life, let them help you." I never accepted help, ever. I don't like it. I don't want it. I don't want people coming to save me when I have the power to save myself. I know how to solve the problem, and I'll do it. But no one can see the emotional burdens I bear and no one can help carry them with me.

God was telling me, "I don't need you to be a hero, I need you to be human." Stop tanking all the problems in your life, open up and share all the stuff that's bothering you. It's being human, not being weak. It's being yourself, not being a failure.

God finally tore down all my defenses and revealed the scared little boy that I am. The boy that's afraid to be weak, afraid of the ghosts of his past, afraid of the huge expectations placed upon him. God wrapped His arms around that boy and comforted him this morning. God came and promised me His love and grace would always be with me. He would strengthen and mould me and despite all the pain, it always hurts Him more than it could ever hurt me.

How awesome is that? No matter what the pain and sorrow we feel in life, God feels more hurt when we are like that than we could ever imagine. God who, upholds us in his righteous right hand, who never lets us go, who cries more than we do whenever we break down, and takes care of it for us? How can we ever make Him love us less with the things we do?

I can never truly thank God enough for the things He's done for me, and posting songs of praise, trying to learn those songs, seems so pointless now. The thing to do is to live it out for Him, not do all these little things but to really make that effort to live for Christ. I'm going to stop being religious, and truly live a life of worship unto God.

And the first step is to recognise I'm only human, and God doesn't need to be superman.

I'm keeping my title as it is, and the second half was initially directed at my parents who really got on my nerves. However, ranting about it and the thoughts I were bearing were all just childish and immature, brought on by stress from all my other responsibilities.

I guess I feel kind of overwhelmed by the hopes and expectations my parents place on me, but I thank God He's working in my life. My parents can get tyrannical but it's my fault if I'm not mature enough to voice out the problem to my parents. They're not psychic, and I guess being raised in an Asian culture where one has no place to talk back to your parents does nothing to help the issue.

Another case of God telling me to stop getting irritated by my parents and speak up when they're expecting too much for me.

Yes, I was annoyed by my parents asking me to vacuum the stupid floor first when I'm not eating dinner with them just so I can do whatever I've missed out. Then again, why am I only helping with household chores on weekends? If I help out a little during the week there'd be none of this right?

So much easier to see things from God's perspective than to be irritated cause you're looking from your own.

Okay, I take back what I said. My mom apparently can't stay civil for more than 5 minutes. Yeah, I'm not exactly the best son, I'm not perfect but you're not exactly doing a very good job of being a mom either? Why do you get to complain and pick on people's flaws and we don't get to say anything about you? Why do you superimpose your beliefs on me? I'm a different person, I have my own beliefs, time to start acknowledging that instead of trying to subjugate me to your will.

I'm 17. I'm a screwed up person but I'm not superman, live with it. I'm sorry I can't be perfect.

God bless!
--Xiang An at 7:15 PM


Saturday, August 15, 2009

Struggling with Pride

Here I am, at 5.30am, doing something I'd only thought possible if I were ever held at gun-point by Lao Ban Niang. I went to Boundless.

Why? Maybe God led me there. But this article seems to sum up my struggles in the past week pretty well, and it certainly reminded of the need for God's grace. I've been berating myself every time I do something wrong, commit a sin or just give in to temptation. But have I become too proud to let God take care of it? Am I just fighting on my own once again?

Struggle With Pride - Candice Watters

Well, that may be the case, but I'm glad I have a God that works in my life even before I ask Him to. It's time to humble my heart and start praying, start commiting my troubles unto Him.

A short post before I get ready to leave for school (Yes, on a Saturday, but for the most awesome reason ever - SFC and serving God.)
--Xiang An at 5:31 AM


Friday, August 14, 2009

Joy in Exhaustion

The post title basically sums up my feelings about today. Although I woke up at 4am and couldn't get back to sleep, although I was kind of dead throughout the day, I thank God for all the little blessings that He's given me today.

Firstly, all my classmates who asked me how was I when I came back to school today, after the long MC. Even the guys who treated me like an infected zombie and basically went about it the whole day. It's awesome to have them ask me something so simple and basically cheered me up for the rest of the day. Sarah, who agreed to come down and lend me support for Morning Worship if someone else came. She didn't come, but hey, it's the thought that counts =) and of course, asking me about it. (Why did I say my class was kind of ignoring me again? My eyes were looking the wrong way I guess)

Secondly, for all my patient teachers who were so understanding that I'm kind of lost from the 3 days of missed lessons. Kelvin as well, who was patient with me despite my braindead-ness while doing the survey in the mentors' room from just coming back to school and getting a load of school work piled on me (well, I include rushing to copy down all the notes I missed the past few days)

Thirdly, for my fellow exco/slave/servant leaders in SFC. It's amazing the little efforts they've been making ever since they've stepped up.

Pearl, who's been coming to school earlier than usual just to unlock the door and bring out the equipment, and finally catching a break today after I refused to let any of them carry the stuff. Even though it was kind of hilarious how she failed to unlock the door for 5 minutes straight until I used my magic touch to open it.

Celine, who refused to let me carry everything after morning worship, insisting she carry the guitar instead and looking around for Chris (who was talking to Kelvin). Unfortunately for her, I will not allow any of the girls to carry anything until both my hands are full.

Jolene, who (should this creep me out?) asked if I got H1N1 as I passed her on my way from the canteen.

Chris, who basically had to coordinate everything with Lester for Morning Worship since I wasn't in school to practise with him.

And my dad, who agreed to make a trip down to Potong Pasir to pick me up after my lectures ended at 6.30p.m. Also, the nice car ride which offered a nice restful nap till I got home.

Last but not least, God for sustaining me through the day despite my tiredness. For keeping my heart beating and my brain awake for my lectures and tutorials. For helping me not black out with the amount of work I had to catch up on today. For helping to END the lecture EARLY so I can come home and finish up my work! hahaha.

Hopefully I'll be able to catch up on my large pile of responsibilities and work this weekend, and get back in rhythm to start stepping up to the expectations placed on me and to the roles I have to fulfill. God has great plans for me, for SFC, for CU, for SAJC. I sincerely believe this and from now on, it's 110% all the way!

Unless of course, I run out of energy/sleep hours. Then it's 110% + Pepsi (or Drinks with loads of sugar/caffeine).

Right now, Xiang An needs to recharge.

God bless every one of you! =)
--Xiang An at 9:07 PM


Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Strange workings

God works in strange ways indeed.

Giving me ILI and a 6 day MC for much needed rest, and of course, time to set my business in order, with all the CMW stuff I'm in charge of and all the school work and etc I have to do.

Placing me in alien environments, in so many places so that the gifts He has given me in my life will be utilised to the fullest.

Teaching so many important lessons this past week. Training and moulding me to really take up leadership in servitude.

Yet, I can't help but wonder, am I letting You down, Father? I may not have put in my best, fought my hardest or ran my race to the best of my ability, but with the great amount of responsibility You have placed on my shoulders, what if I fail to meet Your challenges and expectations?

Am I ready? Not really, not quite for God's plans of grandeur. (He did throw me a curveball with the amount of trust and responsibility placed upon me.)
Am I willing? Sure I am.
Am I strong enough? I have no idea, but God help me if I don't.

Is trusting in Him enough? I have my own flaws that need to be change, I have efforts on my own end that I need to make and discipline I have to adhere to. I'm looking for motivation when I should be doing it already.

Perhaps it's time to bite the bullet and sit down, set my heart on what needs to be done instead of what I want to do.
--Xiang An at 10:31 PM




Xiang An is a lousy guitarist.

Or at least, I can't learn songs on my own.

I'll only be back in school on Friday, and I'm supposed to play guitar for Morning Worship on Friday morning, but I have no idea how to strum for Still or Desert Song, and in 2 days? I have Maths MSA to study for as well.

Sigh. I hate being a self-taught guitarist.
--Xiang An at 6:10 PM


Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Motivation

When you find yourself looking for motivation, you've procrastinated too long.

Too much revision has gone undone, too much preparations for morning worship have been left unchecked, too many things to do are not yet done.

Suck it up, Xiang An, and start doing it.
--Xiang An at 5:01 PM


Monday, August 10, 2009

Duty before Emotion

Proverbs 3:3
Let love and faithfulness never leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart.

Love, faithfulness. The 2 things that Christians are called to have in their daily lives, the 2 qualities that God wants us to live out and nurture until it is as routine as brushing our teeth; that everything we do is out of love for God, for our neighbours, and in everything we do we remain faithful that God is there to guide us and help us, to mould us and strengthen us.

Love, whenever God says it, refers to unconditional love. To forgive infinitely and to never anger against those who offend you. Something I've been struggling with. It's so easy to get annoyed at those you care about.

Yet at times it's our own prejudice that prevents us from showing love. How often do we pray for those who have offended us, or to use a stronger word if it warrants - persecute us? How often do we choose not to retaliate but to bless?

It's been hard for me to keep being nice, to show kindness when it seems to have no effect. I thank God that He's been reminding me of my duty and helping me separate my emotions from it. I never really expected miracles like raising the dead to happen through me, so I guess asking for a 180 degree change in the people I'm reaching out to isn't fair as well.

After all, it takes time to influence, when the seed is sown one has to wait for the crop to grow before harvest, no? It's time I temper my patience and wait for God to work in the lives of those I'm trying to impact. While I wait, I pray for them. All the walls in their hearts, the hindrances in their lives that are stopping them from truly worshipping God, I pray against all of it. I pray against my own pride and prejudices as well, so that I can truly be sincere in reaching out to them, out of love, not to add to more statistics.

It's a difficult step. Lord, what can I not do with Your strength empowering me? Nothing. So no more hesitation and 100% fervour.
--Xiang An at 9:05 AM


Sunday, August 09, 2009

We have Hitler for SFC President.

Celine says:
*I think most of all we need to pray for spiritual protection
*I found today that I have the feeling of getting a flu
*like the nose itchy but cannot scratch kind of feeling, which usually means I'm gonna fall sick soon
*WHICH I REFUSE.
*such a bad time to fall ill!
[Xiang An] Chinese Coolie of SFC says:
*that may be my fault xD
Celine says:
*hahaha I really dunno
*oh well
*but I hardly had contact with you
*weird.
[Xiang An] Chinese Coolie of SFC says:
*you were in the same room. that's enough. sheesh.
Celine says:
*hahaha where got like that one!!
*noo I refuse to be sick anyway.
*righto
*gtg continue downloading econs stuff
[Xiang An] Chinese Coolie of SFC says:
*like sickness ever listens to refusal.
Celine says:
*haha talk to you if I got CMQ stuff to clarify
*NOO
[Xiang An] Chinese Coolie of SFC says:
*CMQ?
Celine says:
*stop saying that rahhh I cannot afford to fall ill
*haha oops CMW*
[Xiang An] Chinese Coolie of SFC says:
*lulz.
*yes boss.
*sorry boss
Celine says:
*HAHA yes good girl, Maria. continue agreeing with me and you won't have to face my wrath
*LOL.


I'm not even a GUY anymore. Emasculaton FTL. ):
--Xiang An at 10:00 PM




Too much seriousness.

Been posting too long about stuff that's getting me down, or anticipation and serious issues. It's time I loosen up and add some lighthearted posts. (Although an emo topic is coming up.)

Today's conversation with Celine via sms:

"We need to settle everything really ASAP (really ASAP? what?) cos CMW is just next week."

"I'm on MC till Thursday."

"Oh my what happened to you? You were fine on Friday!" (From this point onwards I hear her speaking in her motherly tone.)

"No I wasn't and Shane noticed."

"You just said you were unwell on Thurs, you seemed normal on Friday. ... Take care k? (a second message seconds later..) You have fever?"

"Na it's gone alr. You might want to pray for Pearl's protection though. Meeting her in 15 minutes to pass her Life Con photos. If she says I bit her tell Chris to prepare for a zombie apocalypse." (After this Celine gets to her normal mode.)

"I know why you didn't seem unwell to me. Cos you were as retarded as usual.. So when you aren't it's either God has truly changed you for the better or it's that you're ill. HAHAHA."

So, for the next year in SFC, whether I can trust my President to tell if I'm going to fall sick or not depends entirely on my ability to NOT crack jokes and be retarded. I fear for my life.

15 minutes later, passing Life Con photos to Pearl.. (Let me qualify that I was wearing a mask so she wasn't likely to get infected)

Pearl is buying Hot Fudge Sundae (God, you love to taunt me in my sickness, don't You?) and I walk up to her, pass her the photos. She stares at me for about 5 seconds before smiling at my look and saying "You look weird."

Gee, I'm sorry. It was look weird or get you sick. At least show some appreciation for my nobility. Tsk. (Note to Pearl: If you do fall sick, it WASN'T me. I had a mask :D)

My medicine includes little pink globules that look like they could be pink coloured M&M's.

No dinner at home and the only delivery service I know is McD or pizza. Both of which are not things you eat when you're sick. Thank God my grandmother brought me cake! hahaha.

-----

Emo Part:

Today it just suddenly occured to me that Angie's birthday was 6 days ago. A little voice in my head was telling ime to send her an sms (yes I still have her number. never bothered to delete it. t's memorised anyway, so I'm unlikely to forget it.) and wish her a belated birthday, hoping to at least restore our friendship.

I did not. Was that little voice God giving me a chance to reconcile with my ex? Or was it my own human pride? Pride that will not let me admit I was so sinful and corrupted a pure and innocent girl to the point where she refuses to acknowledge my existence 2 months after our break up.

I would like to say God has removed the pain, and He has. Still at times thoughts of what our relationship could have developed into popped into my head. Hate myself for thinking like this, perhaps some might say it's perfectly natural for guys, hell, even for girls, but I don't want to be living in the past.

I have a clean slate in Christ, and I want to leave the guilt and shame of my past behind me, but at times I get reminded of it. Like the letters and the pendant with her name on it that I haven't thrown away.

Let go and carry on, remember the good times and admit they're over.
--Xiang An at 9:17 PM




Service before Leadership

I discovered this interesting insight today.

Theme Verse of Christians United: Romans 12:5

so in Christ we who are many form one body, and each member belongs to all the others.

Right after that (Romans 12:6-9):

We have different gifts, according to the grace given us. If a man's gift is prophesying, let him use it in proportion to his faith. If it is serving, let him serve; if it is teaching, let him teach; if it is encouraging, let him encourage; if it is contributing to the needs of others, let him give generously; if it is leadership, let him govern diligently; if it is showing mercy, let him do it cheerfully.

After reading the line in bold, I just felt the impact. I believe it relates to the 8 of us who have stepped up to leadership in SFC. The fact that God has placed us in positions of leadership, with our diverse gifts from God doesn't mean we're a cut above the rest.

The theme verse for CU comes before the passage relating our leadership in SFC. Similarly, I believe God is telling us the way ahead is to put everyone else who is serving God in SAJC before ourselves. Our spiritual gifts are to be used for every member of the body of Christ in SAJC now that we've been installed in our positions of leadership.

God has made us leaders so that we can be servants. Note that serving comes before leading in the passage.

On a more personal level, I realised that all 3 of my spiritual gifts are mentioned in this verse - teaching, encouraging and showing mercy. New mission objective from God? Yup. Time to start using those gifts in greater proportion, and not letting pride and emotion hinder emulating the love of Christ to my friends.

It's time to walk the walk.
--Xiang An at 12:04 AM


Friday, August 07, 2009

Physical weakness, Spiritual strength

Today has been bitter-sweet.

Human Relations

In the words of Shane: "I've deleted this portion of my original post because it is filled with self-defense and pathetic attempts to push the blame at others. I will deal with the mess that is mine, and observe the mess of others. It is not my place to rebuke when I myself am soiled"

I guess I was worried with all the travelling I would be doing tomorrow, I'd have a problem with time. I'm meeting up with my brothers from 433 to watch a movie near 3, and guess what? My OCD means I have this crazy obssession with punctuality. I decided to trust in God, that I would have the time between all 3 plans.

I decided to apologise for my harsh reaction. Yet I had to ask this question, how am I to communicate with D? I don't know if it's ego, or something else, but it's been hard trying to talk to him and communicate with him when our differences in opinion and beliefs are so great and neither one of us are willing to compromise our stand.

Fear knocked, faith answered, no one was there. Why? Fear was gone when faith came. Something Mr Hu shared. It's really apt for the events of the day. Trust God to help you with everything, even time management.

Although now I am feeling feverish and aching all over. I don't know if it's just dehydration and being in air conditioned places too much, or I'm really falling sick. Right now I have a terrible headache (and yes, I'm staring at a computer screen, I'm a sucker for punishment.) and hopefully it'll be gone by tomorrow.

Jesus is my Healer =)

Although feeling unwell didn't stop me from doing my best to help out with moving the chairs and clearing the trash, didn't stop me from serving my family in SFC. It's a great progress, usually I refuse to do anything when I'm feeling unwell, but today I just didn't care that I was feeling ill, I just did my best to serve and to help in whatever way I could.

K called me the second bangla worker of SFC, since he said in the future I would eat last and serve everyone first then I said I'd gladly do it for Bak Chor Mee! =D But I'm Chinese, so I should be a coolie! hahaha.

*looks at last comment* I think the fever is frying my brains. Crap.

God bless!
--Xiang An at 8:30 PM


Thursday, August 06, 2009

Anticipation and Love

Despite the title, the two are unrelated. Anticipation, this one word sums up everything I feel about stepping up to my (heavy) mantle of leadership and duty, about how God is going to move in the college, the work God will be doing through us in Christians United.

I mean, God sort of put a lot of responsibility on my shoulders when I committed to do His will in whatever position He placed me in. It was more than I expected. I am ONE person, if He threw entrusted me with this much, how much more amazing can His plans for the entire body of Christ in SAJC be?

Although there is some stress in that I'm struggling in my studies and now that God has placed me to be someone who plays an important role (but really, doesn't everyone? No matter how small it is, it's all important in God's eyes), juggling my responsibilities will be that much harder.

Of course, there is comfort in knowing I'm not alone! God is with me, I have my family in Christ (SFC, my cell, my classmates) and I know the road ahead is tough, but God knew I had the strength to pull through, right? Otherwise He wouldn't have given me all this.

So in His Name and for His glory, I set out to fight for all He has entrusted to me - in SFC, in studies, in my class, at home, in church. I set forth to conquer the land for God. It's going to be tough but God is my Rock, what can stop me if I learn to trust in Him?

-----

Love is All - Air Supply

When we come into this world
And we hunger for the touch
From the One that brought us life
From the One that gave so much

Innocence will take your hand
And speak through the one thought in your mind

Don't you know that love is all
Love is where we all begin
And when we knock on heaven's door
Only love will let us in

And as we gather to ourselves
A part of everything we see
We realize that what we own
Isn't what we really need

Innocence take my hand
And speak through the one thought in your mind

Don't you know that love is all
Love is all that we must do
It is the reason why we live
Love is all I have for you

True love cannot be broken
Through all the tears of pain
Only one truth survives,
only one truth remains

Don't you know that love is all
Love is all that we must do
It is the reason why we live
Love is all I have for you

This song basically encapsulates everything I feel about love. It's been tough, loving my classmates, doing my best to be a brother to each of them. Serving them in small ways and reaching out to them slowly. I've had to make a lot of efforts to keep myself in check, especially in pride.

Whenever one of my friends say something that hits me, I keep quiet. It's not easy, the words that pop in my head in response aren't exactly what Jesus would say, so I refrain from speaking out rashly. Of course, I've also had to reflect on the situation and make sure I'm not just being over sensitive to the issue.

Like when I mentioned getting a class cell started and gathering the Christians together to pray for each other before the Physics MSA Tuesday, my classmate slammed the door in my face by saying "Study first, this kind of thing later."

My immediate refute to that was "God should be first priority in your life!" Then I realised I was overreacting. What he said was true, studies first - how else are we supposed to claim God's promise for us if we don't make the effort to do our best? We need to prioritise God in everything we do, but there are things that we need to do first in order to glorify Him. For MSA week, it'd be studying, not bible study. Not yet, anyway.

Although I was discouraged at how unenthusiastic that particular classmate was towards the whole idea of getting the Christians in class closer together, the girls have been a great encouragement. (Anyone notice how it's the male Christians that seem to be unenthusiastic? Again, I have a lot of responsiblity on my shoulders to inspire more guys to take this stand!)

Why base my hope and motivation on the negative? It'll only serve to drain me. It's time to focus on the silver lining, no matter how small it is! The smallest glimmer of hope is enough to fight when one is surrounded by darkness. The situation here isn't as extreme, but as long there's a single classmate who's willing to support this idea, I won't give up on any single person.

Same thing goes to my family. I got a phone call from my mother during CU envisioning, rushing me to go home. I still had to collect the money for dinner, so I could not go home yet. She was irritated at me spending so much time in school lately when my results sucked.

I got super pissed then. Why did she not understand that I had a duty to God? Why must she assume that I go home late because I'm going out and having fun, instead of having legitimate reasons?

Again, I had to keep myself in check. First of all, I forgot to inform her I would be staying back late. Second of all, my studies do suck and I do worry my parents because they don't see me studying at home. Finally, I do have more to work on in terms of putting effort into school work. If only I showed as much enthusiasm in my studies as I did to my duties in SFC and to God.

I mean, my parents work overtime, come home to find that their son is not home yet. Obviously they'd call me. While I don't like her nagging at me on the phone when I'm in the middle of a sharing session, I do have to admit my own faults in the matter. The first step to being a better son is to understand my parents rationales instead of being annoyed with them all the time.

God is going to use me mightily, all of us in SFC, all of us in Christians United as well. On my own end I have to make sure everything I'm accountable for is done to the best of my ability.

Amen.
--Xiang An at 10:57 PM


Wednesday, August 05, 2009

SFC-AF

Saints for Christ Air Force.

This analogy has been stuck in my head ever since the exco positions were announced today. I am now the Logisitics I/C, and Christopher the Publicity I/C. I've always likened the supportive roles to the Air Force, now it seems more apt than ever.

Why? Because Christopher and I are now the only 2 guys in SFC, meaning there is a greater burden on us to support the girls. The Air Force is in charge of recon, of destroying threats in an area before the soldiers move in. Sounds easy? Try having only 2 guys. Now the 2 guys have to operate the command center, radar, fly the planes, analyse recon photos and identify, plan, and execute the threat elimination. Almost impossible.

When I first heard that I was Logisitics I/C, to be honest, I was kind of disappointed I wasn't the Worship or Prayer I/C, two things I thought I would do well. Then came the sense of inadequacy as I thought about how heavy a responsibility Logistics I/C was. Frankly speaking, despite the experience I have planning things, I don't have any confidence doing Logistics, or pretty much anything else, for that matter.

I was wearing a mantle with a great weight of responsibility and duty, and then Matthew mentioned that Christopher and I, being the last 2 guys left who are willing to stand up and be soldiers for Christ in college by being in SFC meant that the two of us are responsible for the spiritual state of the men in the college - the 2 of us, are literally a 2 man army for Christ. The burden of rallying the guys in the college to stand up for their faith rests upon us.

That, needless to say, just about increased the weight of the mantle placed upon by about hundredfold. Honestly, I don't know how I'm going to accomplish that - with the way I haven't exactly been a role model towards my friends, with the doubts I had and lacking the weapons I needed for the fight ahead.

Then things suddenly struck me - like this morning when I played Desert Song by Hillsongs United thrice while walking into school. God was reminding me that triumph was still on its way, that He would do great things. He placed a huge burden on the 2 guys, knowing we would have doubts on our own strength. God chose this very morning to remind me He is my victory and He is near - hours before I even knew the position of duty I would be called to.

God reminded me as well, of the promise I made, both to myself and Him after CU camp, that no matter what leadership position or responsibility He gave to me, I would serve Him with all my heart and do His will. Not that the enemy and my own human pride hasn't been fighting against my commitment. I trust God has a plan for me, even if it's not what I want, even if it's not what I foresaw. I mean, when I told God I would humbly serve Him wherever He called me to, I wasn't quite expecting something of such a large magnitude.

Honestly, I still feel that I have much to go before I'm even deserving of this post, but I will do my best. It's my promise to God, and this is His promise to me. It's time to stop doubting and trusting in His sovereignty.

Come on, if I can trust God to help me catch the 6.05 bus to school every morning and not keep staring at the clock and rushing, why can't I trust that He will guide me through something like this which is even more important? If my God is so awesome He cares enough to help me with catching a bus, how much more will He help me and strengthen me to inherit what is, in a sense, half of the spiritual health of the men of SAJC, to nurture it for His glory?

That being said, the whole "2 guys supporting the girls" thing is really something I have to work on. It's time for me to stop just making fun of them and start loving them (as a brother in Christ! Pre-emptive scandal prevention.). Encouragement is one of my spiritual gifts, as I found out from the CU camp. It's time I started using this gift to its maximum. I've been using it more recently, but now it's time to set it on full blast.

I remembered the "arrow" analogy that's impacted so much during my time in the Pelandok PLC. This time, instead of an APL, I'm the Logistics I/C. Yet the essential role I'm playing is the same - background support. Celine, Jolene and Han Yu are the arrowhead that drives us towards the target, the other girls are the shaft of the arrow that of course, makes sure the arrow doesn't break. Chris and I? We're the tail feather that makes sure the arrow fly straight. The entire arrow cannot hit the target if a single part is missing.

It's time to lay down my pride, lay down my insecurities and just give all my heart, soul, mind and strength to God's glory. Perhaps, now is the time where the motto of SJI applies to my life - Ora et Labora. Pray and Work.
--Xiang An at 9:16 PM




Comfort Zones

This week has been one of challenges. Increasing my efforts to reach out to my classmates, to try and get the Christians in my class to be more involved in Christians United, reaching out to those who want to know Christ more.

It hasn't been easy, for someone like me who is socially awkward, who doesn't like having to be the point of the spearhead. But who am I to deny God's will? Despite my reservations on how my classmates would react to me trying to get them more involved in Christians United, the small, positive responses have been encouraging. I guess it's always been my own fears and insecurities stopping me from trusting God's sovereignty in these matters.

I've been trusting God with a lot more lately. From simple things like letting me catch the bus on time to leading me out of my comfort zones and trusting in His guidance. All I had to do was look for the good in people instead of the bad.

Although it hasn't been smooth sailing in my efforts. Like in PW, it's still hard to fight down that flash of annoyance when someone shoots down ideas without considering their weight. Stubbornness is one of my own faults so I can't really blame the other party when I have my own limitations.

Lord, guide me and I will follow this course.
--Xiang An at 8:17 AM


Sunday, August 02, 2009

You have been good.

If I never get to see another rainbow
Or share another life with a friend
If I never stand barefoot by the ocean
Or get to kiss my child goodnight again

If I never have another prayer that's answered
Or have another blessing come my way
If this is all I know of heaven's kindness
Father, I would still have to say [unverified]

You have been good
You have been good
And I may've wondered how could it be

You have been good
You've been so good
So many ways You've been good to me

You've shown me mercy upon mercy
Grace upon grace, time after time
And I know all too well what I'm deserving
Yet, You are still so patient and kind

You have been good
You have been good
And I may've wondered and how could it be

You have been good
You've been so good
So many ways You've been good to me

Suddenly it all were ended
And your past sins disappear
Looking back over a lifetime
The evidence is clear

You have been good
You have been good
And I may've wondered how could it be

You have been good
You've been so good
So many ways You've been good to me

You have been good
You have been good
And I may've wondered how could it be

You have been good
You've been so good
So many ways You've been good to me

So many ways You've been good to me

--Xiang An at 2:25 PM




The Older Brother

The parable of the prodigal son, who asked his father his share of the estate, and left, squandering it away. When he finally ran out of money and was reduced to feeding pigs, he returned home to his father, humbled. Yet his father chose to restore him to the his former position as his son, gave him back whatever he left behind and threw a banquet for him.

His older brother, who had slaved for his father all his life was upset and chose not to enter the house and the father had to leave the house to plead the older brother to go back.

People often say this parable is about God's grace for those who are lost but have been found, those who were dead but are now alive. I guess most of us don't realise this is really the parable of the two lost sons.

The older brother was lost, too. He slaved for his father, but the fact that he used the term slave meant he found no joy in it, and it was out of duty and not love that he did it.

How many of us are like the older brother? Religious, but spiritually dead? Sticking to the law of God but failing to love the younger brother who has squandered the estate, who has been living in sin? The condescending and judgmental nature that speaks out against the younger brother.

I've been guilty of that the past year. Lamenting about how my classmates sin or don't follow rules but failing to accept them despite that. After all, Jesus was the one who proposed a lunch with a tax collector. The love of Christ does NOT come when people change, but rather BEFORE they do.

I was the younger brother, once. I didn't really change until I came back to God, and then His grace slowly moulded away my faults and flaws. I was never religious or morally upright until AFTER I drew back to God. Slowly, my heart hardened as I looked at those around me who continued to sin, continued to live their lives as rebels without a cause, and found myself looking down at them.

God spoke to me through this today's message at Festival of Praise. A very interesting point was brought up. The 2 parables Jesus told prior to this one was where the shepherd goes looking for the lost sheep and the old woman for the lost coin. In both cases someone went looking for what was lost.

Then in the parable of this younger brother, no one went looking for him. Who should've been the one? The older brother! Jesus said this to the Pharisees who condemned the sinners and tax collectors and looked down on them, and even now He speaks to us who have hardened our hearts and judge those around us who continue to live life in ungodliness.

Jesus was the True Older Brother - the one that goes looking for the lost younger brother who strays. It's time for me to be more like Him and start reaching out to my friends, being a real brother to them instead of just judging and condemning them.

---

God played another cruel prank on me. I get on 67, going home from Festival of Praise. I pray to God that He would protect me on my way home and keep me awake so I wouldn't miss my stop at this late hour, that I would reach home earlier.

Boy, did He answer my prayers. The bus driver was in an F1 race. He freaking went drove so fast the BENDY was JUMPING UP AND DOWN. Guess who was sitting behind the mid-section? ME. Imagine my horror when my seat was bouncing up and down along with the bus and the entire bus TILTED on turns.

God answers your prayers in the most amazing ways possible. He answered mine by scaring the crap out of me on my way home. The best thing? He gave me the ability to appreciate His sense of humour.
--Xiang An at 1:00 AM