Monday, December 20, 2010

You are the God who Sees

When my troubles take my sleep,
When my heart's heavy with burdens,
When I'm caught in the storm,
You are the God who sees.

When my heart is prone to wander,
When I try to fill this empty void
When I'm broken and desperate,
You are the God who sees.

Oh how many times,
Has my heart wandered from Your presence?
How many times,
Have I ran from Your arms?

I've tried to fill this void,
With the treasures of this world
Still I find my heart's desires
Melted away in Your consuming fire

When I'm troubled and alone,
Pressed from every side
When my demons haunt me in my sleep,
You are the God who sees

When I try to mask my fears,
When I flash an empty smile,
Though I can fool the world,
You are the God who sees.

What pain have I that You cannot heal?
Is there brokenness You can't make whole?
I rejoice and sleep in peace
For You are the God who sees.

8-8-8

Something I typed out spontaneously. Thoughts that I've been struggling with for a while now. Things that I've never really been able to tell others, or when I'm drowning in troubles and feel like there's nobody around, God has just been there to remind me that He's there, He watches over me and even though some times I feel so scared to even let others know what I'm going through - He is the God who sees.

He sees every insecurity, every weakness, every sin and every broken part. He sees things in me I can't even see for myself. It's been a long month of asking, "What does someone like me have to offer God? What could God possibly do through me?"

I guess it's a question of self-worth too. I'd be lying if I said I've reconciled the guy I was and the guy I am now. I still carry the shame and guilt of past actions... Or just one in particular. I still find myself loathing the very desire of having such a thing again. I can't see how I'm going to get out of this mentality, how I'm going to truly live my life as a renewed person, but perhaps I'm not meant to.

Perhaps I'll only be able to see the work of restoration in months, years, perhaps not until my death. I'll keep praying every step of the way that it comes, but what if it doesn't? God sees the depths of my heart and He loves me the same, perhaps that's good enough for me, and it's enough for me to keep walking with Him even if I never see the imperfections in myself erased until the day I die.

Sometimes I question why people seem to think my life is fine; or that I should be the one to 'lead the charge'. I'm thankful for so many things, but at the same time I still see myself as the same wretched guy who screwed up someone else's life a long time ago. Kelvin has this sticker on his car that says "God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called."

It's just so hard believing that though. It's hard to say, "I'll take that step and take the initiative" when you're still questioning your own actions, when every thought you have is second-guessed by yourself. When you just need someone to confide in but at the same time you never do it because the words just don't come out.

So I'm grateful that You're the God who sees, that I can confide in You the things I'm too afraid to tell anyone else, that You know my heart better than I do, because I'm lost and You are the only One who sees the path ahead for me. I can only trust in Your guidance... yet at times I'm questioning if I'm even able to hear You with this troubled heart...
--Xiang An at 3:06 AM


Saturday, December 11, 2010

Left Behind

Sigh. This is the part where everyone is happily uploading their memories to facebook while I'm left here tasting the bitter regret of not having studied last year. While all the girls at SFC had fun at prom, I was at home losing friends I've come to cherish.

The worst part is thinking that they don't even recognize it. My only comfort is that Chris can appreciate what I'm feeling a little. I guess misery really is company, huh?

It sucks because since stepping down, I've never really had a chance to talk to them anymore (save maybe Chris and possibly Pearl). It feels like being left alone because honestly, the new batch of SFC are like strangers to me compared to Celine and the rest. It feels like I'm left behind and forgotten because Life Con was the last time I'd go through a trying period with SFC '09. They were going on to prepare for their A Levels while I wasn't.

Now, the girls will be moving on to uni and Chris to army, and I'll be facing my A Levels alone without those close friends with me. Well, maybe except Rachel.

This self-pity is pathetic, and I wish I could delete thoughts as easily as files on a computer. Yet this feeling of being left behind is... haunting. Always in my mind, taunting me with thoughts that I'll be nothing more than a forgotten memory while the others move on to make new friends in new places.

I'd like to think that maybe the girls aren't that shallow (I know Chris probably has more than enough of me to last a lifetime) to just forget a friend like that, but hey, that little taunting voice in my head is making some pretty convincing arguments, and turning my mind against itself. Even the tiniest things like them deciding on a group gathering on the ONE day I cannot make it bothers me. Ironically, that makes me WANT to hang out around them even LESS to avoid these thoughts, but doing so makes the thoughts come in full force. Damned if I do and damned if I don't.

And the inferiority complex part of my personality is only adding on more fuel to the fire, berating myself - "Why didn't I put more effort in my schoolwork last year?" You'd think after such a long time of not learning from your own mistakes you'd get wiser after a while. Xiang An is great at giving advice to people but when he needs to follow it, he fails in the most gloriously stupid ways imaginable.

I'd just like to bang my head against the wall and forget all these thoughts. Sometime I wish God did give us the ability to stem the birth of thoughts so that we could stop all these negative crap from flooding our minds.

Or is this yet a symptom of a weakening relationship with God? Prayers are becoming more strained, the lyrics of worship songs sounding more hollow each day. A broken and contrite heart, the Lord will not despise, but how do I justify all the things happening in my spiritual life? Do I truly thirst for God's presence in my life the way I say I do, or is it just wishful thinking on my part, a self-gratifying drive to want to be able to say that I do my quiet time regularly or lead worship perfectly?

Day after day of boredom, of time spent doing anything that will kill time EXCEPT spending more time with God. How can I say I thirst for more of Him if my lifestyle doesn't reflect that? Can I truly say I want to be all that God sees me to be if that desire remains just that?

Sometimes I wish God did speak in a 'loud, booming voice' and answer my questions once and for all...
--Xiang An at 12:24 AM