Strumming from the Soul

The Notes

Xiang An aka Reaper
20 February 1992
Christian
That's really all there is to know about me

Echoes

Past Sounds

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The Music

Monday, December 12, 2011

Insecurities, Fear

Probably the things bugging me now. Yeah, I know, a sorry mood to be in now that A levels are over and I've got a good, long holiday to enjoy myself before enlisting, but that's the problem.

Enlistment

I have absolutely no idea how I'm going to handle being in an army, on some forsaken island for an extended period of time, for the next 2 years. I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy the comforts of home, and for a shut-in, insecure dude like me, being thrown in the military with a bunch of strangers is probably going to freak me out like nobody's business. I'm kind of afraid I'll snap, actually.

Part of me wants to run in fear, to look for any way out... but at the end of the day I can't evade responsibility and pain forever, can I? I've got to learn to bite the bullet and push through the suffering sooner or later. I pray, as hard as I can, that God grants me strength for the 2 years ahead, and to prepare me for requirements of army life. Still, I'm not sure what is going to come my way. I always freeze when things are expected of me, when a mantle of responsibility is thrown my way.

I sucked at practically everything in scouts, I fumbled my way through my time in SFC, not knowing what the hell I was doing and just hoping that somehow, I got it right. I guess at the end of the day, I'm still a frightened little boy who hasn't grown up and matured in some areas, or learned some of the skills I should have. Somehow I get the feeling NS won't be as forgiving.

In two months, I'll be 20. It seems like a big transition from one stage of life to another and yet I can't help but think I'm sorely unprepared for it, unwilling to grow up and enter another fight when I've barely survived the past few.

Dark thoughts and emotions fill me, and they're tempting. How long can I resist the urge to do something stupid, to evade the problems longer? I pray for help, but I know God doesn't provide an easy way out, only the hope that I'll come out stronger, that this baptism of fire will refine me into the man He sees... Yet I can't help but think the heat might just break me.

--Xiang An at 9:42 PM