Wednesday, December 30, 2009
"Will power does not change men. Time does not change men. Christ does." - Henry Drummond.
How true. As the new year comes, and my secular music fast ends, I shall endeavour to spend more time alone in His presence and commit all my troubles onto His hands. It's been the same message repeating in my head all day this past week, "Don't run alone. Run with Me."
And when Jem shared about Joshua today it just summarized how 2009 went. The things which I had inquired of the Lord and committed to His hands, when I took time to listen to Him and just abide by His plans, those were the times when I experienced the greatest joy and victories. Of the times when I tried to do things on my own, or did not inquire of the Lord, they cocked up in some way and it's taught me a valuable lesson.
I guess you could say it's become a challenge for me in 2010, can I take time to take a step back, pray and ask God what are His plans for the tasks entrusted to me, to trust in His unfailing plans and wisdom? Or just press on with human wisdom and experience, hoping it sticks? Am I going to lay my sins and trials on my own shoulders, or on the shoulder of Christ?
John 14:1-3
"Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me. In my Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am."
--Xiang An at 9:36 PM
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Taking Stock
As 2009 draws to a close I find myself reminiscing the past 12 months and what I’ve been through, at the same time praying about God’s purpose for me in the new year, and to think through my own new year resolutions.
The past few days have been marked with fasting from secular music. Celine “invited” me to the event on Facebook and it seemed like a good idea. It’s definitely brought me a bit closer to understanding the things I’ve been given during this holiday and given me a more… Optimistic outlook on the things I’m doing for SFC and the things I’ve been through.
Starting the fast has been uplifting, and definitely brought me a little closer to God. It’s good to take a break from listening to all the angsty metal songs on my iPhone and just listen to worship music, reminding myself that there is a God who is with me every step of the way, and that no matter what I’m going through I give Him praise.
I guess it’s easy for the devil to come and trick us at our moments of frustration and discouragement, or when we’re feeling tired. Pastor Andy screened a video featuring Rick and Dick Hoyts, two men I’m sure everyone has heard of. I’ve seen videos about them more than once, but this time was really impactful. At the end, it said “Don’t run alone.”, reminding me that I can’t run this course of life alone, I have to do it with my heavenly Father.
God also reminded me through this video that I’m not expected to run this race on my own, that He has placed people who love me around me, good people who are there to help me, when my own strength just isn’t enough to overcome the obstacles in front of me.
I remember all the new people I met this year and the small handful who’ve really impacted my life this year. I remember how we first met - Pearl during Council Selection Camp, and I was the one who found the Mickey Mouse Spoon she lost and returned it to her. It is probably my first (and last) memory of her actually being "nice and sweet" to me. If the same situation were to happen now I'd probably say something like "Seriously? You like to stick Mickey Mouse in your mouth?" and she'd return it with a smack on my shoulder.
Celine, who curiously, I don’t remember how we started greeting each other in the corridors and talking over MSN. Neither does she.
Chris, whom I met in SFC. I still remember our first conversation started with the chapel rehearsal and him and Samu were talking about computer games and started singing “Smoke on the Water” and I joined in. Now he has become my best buddy in school. Shane and Samu, the J2s I first came to know in SFC and the many laughs they brought to my time in SFC…
And strangely enough, the same few guys who share almost all the same interests I do. The people who have made school all the more bearable and I have come to endear them in my heart (yes, even Pearl who smacks me all the time and abuses me), people who've made me smile even when I'm going through the worst of my days.
People who've really taught me what it means to be a blessing onto others, and have encouraged me to do the same for the J1s next year. Not through their words, but by their actions.
--Xiang An at 10:55 PM
My descent into madness
Seriously... I've been doing the PMC Souvenir too long (at a stretch, I mean).
I now remember that February, March and November's dates all fall on the same days. The same is true for 1. April-July 2.September-December, 3. January and October.
And as I listened to "My Redeemer Lives" and was singing along, when the line "We're standing on this mountaintop, to see Your Kingdom come." came on, I realised I was singing from on top of a hill (Bukit Panjang). MLIA.
--Xiang An at 12:44 AM
Monday, December 28, 2009
This is really weird
PMC Souvenir, I have to ask Pearl for help.
SFC Shirt, Chris asks me for help.
Life Con ticket design, Chris asks me for feedback.
The guys are asking for help. The girls... are strangely silent during this period. I fear for my life. Okay, maybe just my sanity.
--Xiang An at 5:28 PM
A load off my chest...
This thing has been getting on my nerves a lot the past few days and I have to let it out here...
WHY DO MY PARENTS FILL THE SHAMPOO BOTTLE WITH WATER?
It's so annoying, expecting shampoo and getting some green watery fluid that resembles the mucus of someone with pneumonia... Can't we just replace the shampoo when it's run out or open the bottle? Why fill it with water and make it feel all cold and disgusting? Bleargh. =.=
/random_ranting end=true
Kthxbai.
--Xiang An at 2:00 PM
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Independence vs Not Running Alone
Pastor Andy played this video during service, and it really moved me. Yes, I've watched videos Rick and Dick Hoyts countless times, but the words "Don't Run Alone" really got me. I felt as if right at that moment God was telling me that I don't have to be a lone wolf, I don't have to be afraid of letting people into the fortress that is my heart and fearing that they'd hate me for who I am.
I was reminded of something Mr Adi told me, that it was better to know people dislike me for who I am than to be forever wondering if they like who I really am, or who I'm trying to be. I've been trying to put on a strong front, and I've hardly let people see me weak or broken down. I show everyone I take things in my stride and most of the time I do, yet there's this irony within me that on those times I don't or can't, I don't let anyone see it and wonder why no one cares.
Maybe it's pride that I want to be the ONE guy that everyone can depend on, or maybe just that guy that she *ahem* can depend on. Like the When I'm With You from Simple Plan, "I want to be the only hands you need to hold on to." It's ridiculous that I should think that for a moment because only God can fulfill such a role. I may be a pair of hands someone needs to hold on to but I can't and am not the only one.
This issue was also brought up because of several conflicts with my mom over different matters. The crux of those conflicts is that I feel I am ready to handle something, while my mom feels that I have the maturity level of an 8 year old and cannot handle the responsibilities. In fact, my entire family (tree) thinks this way. I can't blame her, I don't think I do a very good job of being a mature, Christian son to my mother most times, while in school or in church or online, for that matter, I try harder to be more mature. Or is it because I'm not afraid to show my worst to my family?
I don't know, I just don't get my parents' perspectives, and I may never get it even after I become a parent myself. Or perhaps until I am in their shoes will I understand their rationale for not letting me try certain things or have things my way. My belief was always that people should bear the consequences for their actions, and painful experiences are a part of growing up, and that truly loving someone means not trying to shelter them from it all, but rather being that pillar of strength they need when they feel like they're unable to face their circumstances. Is this a flawed view? I don't know. I'm a bit like Itachi in a sense, I could have the people I love hate me for what I do if it meant they became stronger/wiser. Maybe I've yet to work things out fully, but hopefully I'll have time to run with God and figure things by the time (if) I become a parent.
On the subject of parenthood... It's becoming real tough being around her and reminding myself not to do stupid crap and honor my commitment to stay single during my time in JC/until God has deemed me ready to handle a relationship. I still have a long way to go, and God help me, the temptations and trials I'm facing now are just feeling like torture. Every time I tell myself not to go overboard, this question of "Could she really be the one?" pops in my head.
Seriously, I need help... Not a psychiatrist maybe, but I need help.
--Xiang An at 8:49 PM
Friday, December 25, 2009
We are the reason for Christmas
As little children we would dream of Christmas morn'
Of all the gifts and toys we knew we'd find
But we never realized a baby born one blessed night
Gave us the greatest gift of our lives
We were the reason that He gave His life
We were the reason that He suffered and died
To a world that was lost, He gave all He could give
To show us the reason to live
As years went by we learned more about gifts
The giving of ourselves and what that means
On a dark and cloudy day a man hung crying in the rain
All because of love, all because of love
And we were the reason He gave His life,
We were the reason He suffered and died
To a world that was lost He gave all He could give
To show us the reason to live
I've finally found the reason for living
It's in giving every part of my heart to Him
In all that I do, every word that I say
I'll be giving it all just for Him, for Him
And we are the reason that He gave His life
We are the reason He suffered and died
To a world that was lost He gave all He could give
To show us the reason to live
He is our reason to live
Don't you know that you are the reason
That He came, oh He came to save us
When He gave His life for us, He suffered and died
To a world that was lost He gave
Everything He had He gave
To show us the reason to live
======
I could post about all presents I've received, but I've already received the best present of all, what more could I ask for? What I'm about to say isn't even close to expressing the worth of your gift of life but, "Thank you Daddy Jesus!" :D
--Xiang An at 3:21 PM
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Change of mind
I don't want a fortress of solitude, just give me awesome ninja skills so I can disappear when I need to and spook people.. And it's badass and cool, not emo and cool! xD
--Xiang An at 9:32 PM
Fortress of Solitude
I want Superman's fortress of solitude for Christmas. A place where I can just get away from the world and be by myself.
Play a song on my guitar that no one will hear.
Tell jokes that no one will laugh at.
Shed tears no one will wipe away.
Feel cold that no one will warm up.
Just cause I'm so tired from trying to "be part of the group". I just want to be me, I just want to do the things I set out to do and not make them fit someone else' desires - my dreams that are purely my own and untouched by other people's opinions or demands.
Heck, I won't just build it in the Artic where few people go, I build an wall of never melting ice, with icicles sticking out like spears and automated sentry guns at the top, just to make sure no one gets through. Line the perimeter with SAM sites and anti-air turrets just so even angels get shot down.
A place where I can be by myself. Totally by myself.
--Xiang An at 2:40 PM
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Lost...
I find it ironic that I'm supposed to be the spiritual leader and yet I've screwed up those chances handed to me, that in all the responsibilities and supposed working for God's glory, I'm becoming a little lost and confused myself.
I look at Celine, at the girls, and they're so sure of their purpose and their determinations to serve God. I'd like to say I'm just as willing as them, but my actions say otherwise. Could I have spent more time thinking through all the tasks given to me? Definitely. Could there have been more things I could have done better? Definitely. Were there times when I just didn't want to do any work and just dropped everything for days at a stretch? You bet.
I don't know how some of the girls seem to be able to tank all the responsibilities they have, but it's just draining on me, and some times I don't even know if I have the strength to make the decision to put aside all the negativity and just push on.
I've been criticized by a fellow sister as someone who doesn't take things seriously and always jokes around, and perhaps that's true. I want to do my tasks and make them impactful, yet at the same time, when it comes to something like making an impactful message that gets people thinking about Christ, I blank out. All the witty humour, all the wordplay that I use in my lame comments, all that brainpower fails me.
Some times I seriously question my reason for being in SFC. At times it feels like I joined SFC because I had nowhere else to go CCA-wise. My ultimate question is: What qualifies as serving God faithfully? Pushing on when everything in your heart doesn't want to do it? Isn't that against the whole principle of serving God with a cheerful heart? I gripe and dread all the hours of holidays wasted when I have a shitload of tasks to finish and I always find those hours spent playing LAN or watching movies is way too short.
It's a big question, and I'm still confused as to whether I'm actually serving as a Christian is meant to serve, not just doing it just cause I was arrowed or asked to do it and placing it in the same viewpoint as I do with homework.
--Xiang An at 10:47 PM
Friday, December 18, 2009
Even soldiers need a break from battle...
Somebody end my misery. Chionging revision on weekdays in the daylight, and stuff for SFC at night. Bleargh. Everyone I know is having fun going overseas and going out with friends and whatnot and I'm stuck all alone fighting my own battles. This sucks. ONE DAY OFF to go LAN with Chris, and planning another one on Monday.
Seriously, when did the life of Chua Xiang An become so sad? Either I'm facing a computer screen or my notes. You have got to be kidding me.
Oh, the best part? If I have free time my mom wants me to do the CHORES.
I know I said I'd willingly take on the job of Chinese coolie, but this is a bit much ): Xiang An needs a secretary to do his work for him. Bleargh.
I think the school should just stop pretending and just declare December school term. Makes no difference! >(
GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Prisoner in my own home, and prisoners get more slack time than I do ): God please teleport me to like... Miami or something. Or maybe Tennessee. I want to cry from the workload ): Wahhh.
=======
Now that that's off my chest... I lost 1.8kg this holiday by... eating potato chips and other junk food and sitting on my ass doing nothing... Weird!
Not that I gained any muscle.. ): Saddest holiday ever? I think so. Only my iPhone empathizes with me. It put "Highway to Hell" by ACDC on when I was on the way to school on 966 (which goes via PIE to SAJC! HAHAHAHA)
Yes, I know good little Christian boys aren't supposed to listen to that kind of songs, but I like the guitar tune. So sue me for not liking songs for the lyrics but the tune instead ):
Besides... I've stopped fighting my inner demons. We're on the same side now :D
It's good to embrace your dark side once in a while... Even if it lied about the cookies.
=======
Ever had something you want to blog just to let someone else laugh at the irony of your life but couldn't cause you know it'd be too damaging to let certain people see it? Like if the information was privy to someone else things just become awkward? I'm having one of those moments right now. Bleh.
--Xiang An at 8:37 AM
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Another all-nighter I guess...
Someone is seriously screwing with me... Is it so hard to give users some advanced print settings so I don't have to redo all of my oh let's see... 6 hours of work? ARGH.
--Xiang An at 10:24 PM
Tear my head open, sew myself shut
Should've arrowed more people to do the calendar parts... Now I'm stuck trying to fit them onto the page. FML.
--Xiang An at 3:48 PM
Friday, December 11, 2009
Zombieland
Watched Zombieland with Christopher yesterday. It was both hilarious and really heartwarming at the same time.
"Heartwarming" may sound like a weird word to describe a movie about earth being overrun by a zombie apocalypse, but what else can you say about people who can band together and lay aside their own "rules for survival" and trust issues to love, even in a world ruled by death?
Tallahassee was the badass of the film. He got all the epic zombie kills and really wicked lines. He even comes off quite wise, when he tells Columbus that even when zombies are rampaging about, one has to take time to "enjoy the little things" (which becomes rule #32 of zombieland!)
I guess it's kinda true and it's something I'll have to learn from the movie... Not that I'm expecting (or hoping) for a zombie apocalypse to happen.
Played LAN with Chris, and Lester and Dom joined us. Played Dark Carnival and Swamp Fever on Campaign before doing Dead Center on Versus. I was kind of against it, I guess, since Chris and I (having played before) were on the same team and would undoubtedly be much better at playing then Lester and Dom. But hey, the other 3 didn't mind so we just played.
The Charger, great infected to use. Spitter, epic when used correctly. The Jockey? Frustrating. When 4 people are moving together in a closed group, it sucks to be the guy that has to jump on one of them in an attempt to pull him away. When there are 3 guns right in the vicinity waiting to finish you off. Argh.
Chris and I are going to try and get SFC to watch Zombieland together... hahaha. Definitely want to play Versus again though.
--Xiang An at 6:10 PM
Wednesday, December 09, 2009
Just cause I'm feeling sappy
Did this myself with some spare time.. Just cause I like the lyrics and I'm feeling sappy.
=====
My not playing comp weekdays when school reopens has been forcibly editted (for no rhyme nor reason except my parents taking words out of context) to no comp on weekdays during hols... ._.;
And not to mention clarifying what I meant and telling them they've misunderstood would only get mom more flared up. So I'm getting a few minutes on the comp before leaving for school (nuts, I know. SFC starts at 8.45, I'll be there at 6.30)
Planning to finish up my revision planned for Thursday so I can FINALLY get out of the house and watch Zombieland! :D Possibly L4D2 as well, assuming we can convince 2 girls from SFC/any random 2 people to play with us. [insert girls don't play LAN rebut here]
Like what the hell am I supposed to do with the 4 hours I'm NOT revising in one DAY? My parents have to stop twisting my words against me. I might have to start learning how legal contracts are drafted very soon, just to make things clear and prevent shooting myself in the foot. T.T
--Xiang An at 4:58 AM
Monday, December 07, 2009
L4D2!
Hopefull I'll be able to play with grass and the rest tmr.. Melle and KY have consultation till 3 and they haven't decided whether they're playing or not. Had the weird idea to ask Mr Adi to come play with us.. hahaha.
The L4D2 characters and setting doesn't kind of feel like L4D1 though.. L4D1 was kind of darker and more.. desperate. There was a greater feeling that you were fighting for survival. L4D2 just seems a lot like Zombieland - hey it's a zombie apocalypse, grab a gun and shoot till you drop as if you're at some carnival.
The voice acting kinda sucks too... Hilarious at times, but you don't hear any form of desperation in the character's voices. Takes away the excitement and immersion of the game for me... Although it still is an awesome game to play.
Anyway, can't help but feel kinda angsty lately. There are certain things I dislike in some of my friends, but I don't know where my strong reactions are coming from, like when I see them doing something and etc...
I don't know, I just have to watch myself and really pray that I don't anything stupid. Maybe I should stop listening to all those BFMV songs.
On a side note... Tumblr's kinda an interesting place to share your thoughts... Quick and easy. hahaha. Found Shane on tumblr.
--Xiang An at 9:51 PM
Saturday, December 05, 2009
All these thousands of men. Many of them not much more than boys. Each one of them some mother's son, some sister's brother, some daughter's father. Each one of them a whole person loved and cherished in some home far away. Many of them will never return. An army is power. Its entire purpose is to coerce others. This power can not be used carelessly or recklessly. This power can do great harm. We have seen more suffering than any man should ever see, and if there is going to be an end to it, it must be an end that justifies the cost. Now, somewhere out there is the Confederate army. They claim they are fighting for their independence, for their freedom. Now, I can not question their integrity. I believe they are wrong but I can not question it. But I do question a system that defends its own freedom while it denies it to an entire race of men. I will admit it, Tom. War is a scourge, but so is slavery. It is the systematic coercion of one group of men over another. It has been around since the book of Genesis. It exists in every corner of the world, but that is no excuse for us to tolerate it here when we find it right infront of our very eyes in our own country. As God as my witness, there is no one I hold in my heart dearer than you. But if your life, or mine,is part of the price to end this curse and free the Negro, then let God's work be done.
- Joshua Lawrence Chamberlain, Gods and Generals (2003)
--Xiang An at 8:50 PM
Friday, December 04, 2009
You see the depths of my heart
Incomparable, unchangeable,
You see the depths of my heart
And You love me the same,
You are amazing God.
Some times I wonder why God would choose to be with someone like me, when my heart is filled with so much ungodly thoughts. No matter how much I try to push them out they find their way into my heart and mind... and I wonder, why does God bother with me?
God sees each of us as a holy child of light, a jewel that when polished will truly be salt and light for the world... Yet at times it's so hard to see ourselves that way. The only answer is to just trust God, that in His perfect plan for us also comes the process of polishing away all the values that are ungodly. It's never easy, and it's often painful, and our own natural instinct is to turn away.
Faith keeps us going down the path God has for us, even if it means we fall down and get hurt. We know that He will be there to pick us up, make us stronger and carry us on when we can no longer carry ourselves. A leap of faith we all have to learn to take.
A leap of faith...
--Xiang An at 10:55 PM
Thursday, December 03, 2009
Impossible choices
Serving God in church, or staying at home to do my revision like my mom wants/expects me to?
I wish I could do both, but my mom's expectations means I'm going to have little or no time to do so, and I really don't know what to do. Am I to choose serving God and tell my mom that? I can't find a right way to put those words, and she won't understand this perspective.
Yet, I can't say honouring my mom's wishes is more important than God... and I guess you could say serving God in church isn't the only way to serve or have a relationship with Him, but I'm stuck, it's a choice I don't know how to make.
I can only hope that God helps me use my time to the fullest, that I will have both time and strength to do both... and yet it seems that decision almost certainly means I'll have to sacrifice the things I want to do during the holidays, like really practise and get better on the electric guitar... Sigh.
I'm not that kind of person. I don't like being weighed down by studies, just because they're important to my future, I don't want to be boxed in a classroom, or an office cubicle. I want to learn about the world, to be free, to see how the things school teaches us work in real life... Not see them in textbooks.
I want to live outdoors, with my laptop, phone, camera all solar powered just so I could be free in the world, travel around and meet people, possibly impact lives on the way. I want to show people there's so much more out there than just making money and getting by with your own life, so much more to see, to hear, to taste, to smell and feel. So much more to life, than just worry about paying the bills.
If people would just travel the world, they would realise just how blessed they are - the problems they have aren't so big compared to others, the little luxuries they have are so much more than what others have.
I want to live like that, free as a bird, and just go around meeting people. Away from the distractions of modern society, where I'd be free to seek God and free from worrying where my next meal would come from, just trusting in His providence. Travel the world and meet new people, and possibly spread the Gospel to those who've never heard it.
Isn't that a life that's so much better than what we as Singaporean students are going through?
=======
Irrelevant side note: I might actually REALLY stop blogging for the rest of the holidays... Got arrowed for it. Bleargh.
Meh. Expected from the way she looked at me when Kelvin asked her to get someone to do it. I met her eye and immediately went "Crap, it's me." in my head. HAHAHA.
Oh well, guess I was kind of expecting it? Since I will be freer next year anyway... I guess perhaps this was all part of His plan for Life Con... to have someone not as bogged down?
I totally feel like Leonidas and doing a "This is SPARTAAA!" take right now..
But I'll settle for Warcraft Peon impression - "Work work."
Although right now, mugmugmugmugmugmug.
Greargh... I need to kill some (virtual) zombies to de-stress... Someone ask me out to play L4D2 next week! PLEASE! For the sake of my sanity... Even if I have teach 3 girls to play! ARGH...
Alright, maybe not... I'm kidding (about the last statement)... Probably.
--Xiang An at 8:34 PM
"Will power does not change men. Time does not change men. Christ does." - Henry Drummond.
How true. As the new year comes, and my secular music fast ends, I shall endeavour to spend more time alone in His presence and commit all my troubles onto His hands. It's been the same message repeating in my head all day this past week, "Don't run alone. Run with Me."
And when Jem shared about Joshua today it just summarized how 2009 went. The things which I had inquired of the Lord and committed to His hands, when I took time to listen to Him and just abide by His plans, those were the times when I experienced the greatest joy and victories. Of the times when I tried to do things on my own, or did not inquire of the Lord, they cocked up in some way and it's taught me a valuable lesson.
I guess you could say it's become a challenge for me in 2010, can I take time to take a step back, pray and ask God what are His plans for the tasks entrusted to me, to trust in His unfailing plans and wisdom? Or just press on with human wisdom and experience, hoping it sticks? Am I going to lay my sins and trials on my own shoulders, or on the shoulder of Christ?
John 14:1-3
"Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me. In my Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am."
--Xiang An at 9:36 PM
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Taking Stock
As 2009 draws to a close I find myself reminiscing the past 12 months and what I’ve been through, at the same time praying about God’s purpose for me in the new year, and to think through my own new year resolutions.
The past few days have been marked with fasting from secular music. Celine “invited” me to the event on Facebook and it seemed like a good idea. It’s definitely brought me a bit closer to understanding the things I’ve been given during this holiday and given me a more… Optimistic outlook on the things I’m doing for SFC and the things I’ve been through.
Starting the fast has been uplifting, and definitely brought me a little closer to God. It’s good to take a break from listening to all the angsty metal songs on my iPhone and just listen to worship music, reminding myself that there is a God who is with me every step of the way, and that no matter what I’m going through I give Him praise.
I guess it’s easy for the devil to come and trick us at our moments of frustration and discouragement, or when we’re feeling tired. Pastor Andy screened a video featuring Rick and Dick Hoyts, two men I’m sure everyone has heard of. I’ve seen videos about them more than once, but this time was really impactful. At the end, it said “Don’t run alone.”, reminding me that I can’t run this course of life alone, I have to do it with my heavenly Father.
God also reminded me through this video that I’m not expected to run this race on my own, that He has placed people who love me around me, good people who are there to help me, when my own strength just isn’t enough to overcome the obstacles in front of me.
I remember all the new people I met this year and the small handful who’ve really impacted my life this year. I remember how we first met - Pearl during Council Selection Camp, and I was the one who found the Mickey Mouse Spoon she lost and returned it to her. It is probably my first (and last) memory of her actually being "nice and sweet" to me. If the same situation were to happen now I'd probably say something like "Seriously? You like to stick Mickey Mouse in your mouth?" and she'd return it with a smack on my shoulder.
Celine, who curiously, I don’t remember how we started greeting each other in the corridors and talking over MSN. Neither does she.
Chris, whom I met in SFC. I still remember our first conversation started with the chapel rehearsal and him and Samu were talking about computer games and started singing “Smoke on the Water” and I joined in. Now he has become my best buddy in school. Shane and Samu, the J2s I first came to know in SFC and the many laughs they brought to my time in SFC…
And strangely enough, the same few guys who share almost all the same interests I do. The people who have made school all the more bearable and I have come to endear them in my heart (yes, even Pearl who smacks me all the time and abuses me), people who've made me smile even when I'm going through the worst of my days.
People who've really taught me what it means to be a blessing onto others, and have encouraged me to do the same for the J1s next year. Not through their words, but by their actions.
--Xiang An at 10:55 PM
My descent into madness
Seriously... I've been doing the PMC Souvenir too long (at a stretch, I mean).
I now remember that February, March and November's dates all fall on the same days. The same is true for 1. April-July 2.September-December, 3. January and October.
And as I listened to "My Redeemer Lives" and was singing along, when the line "We're standing on this mountaintop, to see Your Kingdom come." came on, I realised I was singing from on top of a hill (Bukit Panjang). MLIA.
--Xiang An at 12:44 AM
Monday, December 28, 2009
This is really weird
PMC Souvenir, I have to ask Pearl for help.
SFC Shirt, Chris asks me for help.
Life Con ticket design, Chris asks me for feedback.
The guys are asking for help. The girls... are strangely silent during this period. I fear for my life. Okay, maybe just my sanity.
--Xiang An at 5:28 PM
A load off my chest...
This thing has been getting on my nerves a lot the past few days and I have to let it out here...
WHY DO MY PARENTS FILL THE SHAMPOO BOTTLE WITH WATER?
It's so annoying, expecting shampoo and getting some green watery fluid that resembles the mucus of someone with pneumonia... Can't we just replace the shampoo when it's run out or open the bottle? Why fill it with water and make it feel all cold and disgusting? Bleargh. =.=
/random_ranting end=true
Kthxbai.
--Xiang An at 2:00 PM
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Independence vs Not Running Alone
Pastor Andy played this video during service, and it really moved me. Yes, I've watched videos Rick and Dick Hoyts countless times, but the words "Don't Run Alone" really got me. I felt as if right at that moment God was telling me that I don't have to be a lone wolf, I don't have to be afraid of letting people into the fortress that is my heart and fearing that they'd hate me for who I am.
I was reminded of something Mr Adi told me, that it was better to know people dislike me for who I am than to be forever wondering if they like who I really am, or who I'm trying to be. I've been trying to put on a strong front, and I've hardly let people see me weak or broken down. I show everyone I take things in my stride and most of the time I do, yet there's this irony within me that on those times I don't or can't, I don't let anyone see it and wonder why no one cares.
Maybe it's pride that I want to be the ONE guy that everyone can depend on, or maybe just that guy that she *ahem* can depend on. Like the When I'm With You from Simple Plan, "I want to be the only hands you need to hold on to." It's ridiculous that I should think that for a moment because only God can fulfill such a role. I may be a pair of hands someone needs to hold on to but I can't and am not the only one.
This issue was also brought up because of several conflicts with my mom over different matters. The crux of those conflicts is that I feel I am ready to handle something, while my mom feels that I have the maturity level of an 8 year old and cannot handle the responsibilities. In fact, my entire family (tree) thinks this way. I can't blame her, I don't think I do a very good job of being a mature, Christian son to my mother most times, while in school or in church or online, for that matter, I try harder to be more mature. Or is it because I'm not afraid to show my worst to my family?
I don't know, I just don't get my parents' perspectives, and I may never get it even after I become a parent myself. Or perhaps until I am in their shoes will I understand their rationale for not letting me try certain things or have things my way. My belief was always that people should bear the consequences for their actions, and painful experiences are a part of growing up, and that truly loving someone means not trying to shelter them from it all, but rather being that pillar of strength they need when they feel like they're unable to face their circumstances. Is this a flawed view? I don't know. I'm a bit like Itachi in a sense, I could have the people I love hate me for what I do if it meant they became stronger/wiser. Maybe I've yet to work things out fully, but hopefully I'll have time to run with God and figure things by the time (if) I become a parent.
On the subject of parenthood... It's becoming real tough being around her and reminding myself not to do stupid crap and honor my commitment to stay single during my time in JC/until God has deemed me ready to handle a relationship. I still have a long way to go, and God help me, the temptations and trials I'm facing now are just feeling like torture. Every time I tell myself not to go overboard, this question of "Could she really be the one?" pops in my head.
Seriously, I need help... Not a psychiatrist maybe, but I need help.
--Xiang An at 8:49 PM
Friday, December 25, 2009
We are the reason for Christmas
As little children we would dream of Christmas morn'
Of all the gifts and toys we knew we'd find
But we never realized a baby born one blessed night
Gave us the greatest gift of our lives
We were the reason that He gave His life
We were the reason that He suffered and died
To a world that was lost, He gave all He could give
To show us the reason to live
As years went by we learned more about gifts
The giving of ourselves and what that means
On a dark and cloudy day a man hung crying in the rain
All because of love, all because of love
And we were the reason He gave His life,
We were the reason He suffered and died
To a world that was lost He gave all He could give
To show us the reason to live
I've finally found the reason for living
It's in giving every part of my heart to Him
In all that I do, every word that I say
I'll be giving it all just for Him, for Him
And we are the reason that He gave His life
We are the reason He suffered and died
To a world that was lost He gave all He could give
To show us the reason to live
He is our reason to live
Don't you know that you are the reason
That He came, oh He came to save us
When He gave His life for us, He suffered and died
To a world that was lost He gave
Everything He had He gave
To show us the reason to live
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I could post about all presents I've received, but I've already received the best present of all, what more could I ask for? What I'm about to say isn't even close to expressing the worth of your gift of life but, "Thank you Daddy Jesus!" :D
--Xiang An at 3:21 PM
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Change of mind
I don't want a fortress of solitude, just give me awesome ninja skills so I can disappear when I need to and spook people.. And it's badass and cool, not emo and cool! xD
--Xiang An at 9:32 PM
Fortress of Solitude
I want Superman's fortress of solitude for Christmas. A place where I can just get away from the world and be by myself.
Play a song on my guitar that no one will hear.
Tell jokes that no one will laugh at.
Shed tears no one will wipe away.
Feel cold that no one will warm up.
Just cause I'm so tired from trying to "be part of the group". I just want to be me, I just want to do the things I set out to do and not make them fit someone else' desires - my dreams that are purely my own and untouched by other people's opinions or demands.
Heck, I won't just build it in the Artic where few people go, I build an wall of never melting ice, with icicles sticking out like spears and automated sentry guns at the top, just to make sure no one gets through. Line the perimeter with SAM sites and anti-air turrets just so even angels get shot down.
A place where I can be by myself. Totally by myself.
--Xiang An at 2:40 PM
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Lost...
I find it ironic that I'm supposed to be the spiritual leader and yet I've screwed up those chances handed to me, that in all the responsibilities and supposed working for God's glory, I'm becoming a little lost and confused myself.
I look at Celine, at the girls, and they're so sure of their purpose and their determinations to serve God. I'd like to say I'm just as willing as them, but my actions say otherwise. Could I have spent more time thinking through all the tasks given to me? Definitely. Could there have been more things I could have done better? Definitely. Were there times when I just didn't want to do any work and just dropped everything for days at a stretch? You bet.
I don't know how some of the girls seem to be able to tank all the responsibilities they have, but it's just draining on me, and some times I don't even know if I have the strength to make the decision to put aside all the negativity and just push on.
I've been criticized by a fellow sister as someone who doesn't take things seriously and always jokes around, and perhaps that's true. I want to do my tasks and make them impactful, yet at the same time, when it comes to something like making an impactful message that gets people thinking about Christ, I blank out. All the witty humour, all the wordplay that I use in my lame comments, all that brainpower fails me.
Some times I seriously question my reason for being in SFC. At times it feels like I joined SFC because I had nowhere else to go CCA-wise. My ultimate question is: What qualifies as serving God faithfully? Pushing on when everything in your heart doesn't want to do it? Isn't that against the whole principle of serving God with a cheerful heart? I gripe and dread all the hours of holidays wasted when I have a shitload of tasks to finish and I always find those hours spent playing LAN or watching movies is way too short.
It's a big question, and I'm still confused as to whether I'm actually serving as a Christian is meant to serve, not just doing it just cause I was arrowed or asked to do it and placing it in the same viewpoint as I do with homework.
--Xiang An at 10:47 PM
Friday, December 18, 2009
Even soldiers need a break from battle...
Somebody end my misery. Chionging revision on weekdays in the daylight, and stuff for SFC at night. Bleargh. Everyone I know is having fun going overseas and going out with friends and whatnot and I'm stuck all alone fighting my own battles. This sucks. ONE DAY OFF to go LAN with Chris, and planning another one on Monday.
Seriously, when did the life of Chua Xiang An become so sad? Either I'm facing a computer screen or my notes. You have got to be kidding me.
Oh, the best part? If I have free time my mom wants me to do the CHORES.
I know I said I'd willingly take on the job of Chinese coolie, but this is a bit much ): Xiang An needs a secretary to do his work for him. Bleargh.
I think the school should just stop pretending and just declare December school term. Makes no difference! >(
GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Prisoner in my own home, and prisoners get more slack time than I do ): God please teleport me to like... Miami or something. Or maybe Tennessee. I want to cry from the workload ): Wahhh.
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Now that that's off my chest... I lost 1.8kg this holiday by... eating potato chips and other junk food and sitting on my ass doing nothing... Weird!
Not that I gained any muscle.. ): Saddest holiday ever? I think so. Only my iPhone empathizes with me. It put "Highway to Hell" by ACDC on when I was on the way to school on 966 (which goes via PIE to SAJC! HAHAHAHA)
Yes, I know good little Christian boys aren't supposed to listen to that kind of songs, but I like the guitar tune. So sue me for not liking songs for the lyrics but the tune instead ):
Besides... I've stopped fighting my inner demons. We're on the same side now :D
It's good to embrace your dark side once in a while... Even if it lied about the cookies.
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Ever had something you want to blog just to let someone else laugh at the irony of your life but couldn't cause you know it'd be too damaging to let certain people see it? Like if the information was privy to someone else things just become awkward? I'm having one of those moments right now. Bleh.
--Xiang An at 8:37 AM
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Another all-nighter I guess...
Someone is seriously screwing with me... Is it so hard to give users some advanced print settings so I don't have to redo all of my oh let's see... 6 hours of work? ARGH.
--Xiang An at 10:24 PM
Tear my head open, sew myself shut
Should've arrowed more people to do the calendar parts... Now I'm stuck trying to fit them onto the page. FML.
--Xiang An at 3:48 PM
Friday, December 11, 2009
Zombieland
Watched Zombieland with Christopher yesterday. It was both hilarious and really heartwarming at the same time.
"Heartwarming" may sound like a weird word to describe a movie about earth being overrun by a zombie apocalypse, but what else can you say about people who can band together and lay aside their own "rules for survival" and trust issues to love, even in a world ruled by death?
Tallahassee was the badass of the film. He got all the epic zombie kills and really wicked lines. He even comes off quite wise, when he tells Columbus that even when zombies are rampaging about, one has to take time to "enjoy the little things" (which becomes rule #32 of zombieland!)
I guess it's kinda true and it's something I'll have to learn from the movie... Not that I'm expecting (or hoping) for a zombie apocalypse to happen.
Played LAN with Chris, and Lester and Dom joined us. Played Dark Carnival and Swamp Fever on Campaign before doing Dead Center on Versus. I was kind of against it, I guess, since Chris and I (having played before) were on the same team and would undoubtedly be much better at playing then Lester and Dom. But hey, the other 3 didn't mind so we just played.
The Charger, great infected to use. Spitter, epic when used correctly. The Jockey? Frustrating. When 4 people are moving together in a closed group, it sucks to be the guy that has to jump on one of them in an attempt to pull him away. When there are 3 guns right in the vicinity waiting to finish you off. Argh.
Chris and I are going to try and get SFC to watch Zombieland together... hahaha. Definitely want to play Versus again though.
--Xiang An at 6:10 PM
Wednesday, December 09, 2009
Just cause I'm feeling sappy
Did this myself with some spare time.. Just cause I like the lyrics and I'm feeling sappy.
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My not playing comp weekdays when school reopens has been forcibly editted (for no rhyme nor reason except my parents taking words out of context) to no comp on weekdays during hols... ._.;
And not to mention clarifying what I meant and telling them they've misunderstood would only get mom more flared up. So I'm getting a few minutes on the comp before leaving for school (nuts, I know. SFC starts at 8.45, I'll be there at 6.30)
Planning to finish up my revision planned for Thursday so I can FINALLY get out of the house and watch Zombieland! :D Possibly L4D2 as well, assuming we can convince 2 girls from SFC/any random 2 people to play with us. [insert girls don't play LAN rebut here]
Like what the hell am I supposed to do with the 4 hours I'm NOT revising in one DAY? My parents have to stop twisting my words against me. I might have to start learning how legal contracts are drafted very soon, just to make things clear and prevent shooting myself in the foot. T.T
--Xiang An at 4:58 AM
Monday, December 07, 2009
L4D2!
Hopefull I'll be able to play with grass and the rest tmr.. Melle and KY have consultation till 3 and they haven't decided whether they're playing or not. Had the weird idea to ask Mr Adi to come play with us.. hahaha.
The L4D2 characters and setting doesn't kind of feel like L4D1 though.. L4D1 was kind of darker and more.. desperate. There was a greater feeling that you were fighting for survival. L4D2 just seems a lot like Zombieland - hey it's a zombie apocalypse, grab a gun and shoot till you drop as if you're at some carnival.
The voice acting kinda sucks too... Hilarious at times, but you don't hear any form of desperation in the character's voices. Takes away the excitement and immersion of the game for me... Although it still is an awesome game to play.
Anyway, can't help but feel kinda angsty lately. There are certain things I dislike in some of my friends, but I don't know where my strong reactions are coming from, like when I see them doing something and etc...
I don't know, I just have to watch myself and really pray that I don't anything stupid. Maybe I should stop listening to all those BFMV songs.
On a side note... Tumblr's kinda an interesting place to share your thoughts... Quick and easy. hahaha. Found Shane on tumblr.
--Xiang An at 9:51 PM
Saturday, December 05, 2009
All these thousands of men. Many of them not much more than boys. Each one of them some mother's son, some sister's brother, some daughter's father. Each one of them a whole person loved and cherished in some home far away. Many of them will never return. An army is power. Its entire purpose is to coerce others. This power can not be used carelessly or recklessly. This power can do great harm. We have seen more suffering than any man should ever see, and if there is going to be an end to it, it must be an end that justifies the cost. Now, somewhere out there is the Confederate army. They claim they are fighting for their independence, for their freedom. Now, I can not question their integrity. I believe they are wrong but I can not question it. But I do question a system that defends its own freedom while it denies it to an entire race of men. I will admit it, Tom. War is a scourge, but so is slavery. It is the systematic coercion of one group of men over another. It has been around since the book of Genesis. It exists in every corner of the world, but that is no excuse for us to tolerate it here when we find it right infront of our very eyes in our own country. As God as my witness, there is no one I hold in my heart dearer than you. But if your life, or mine,is part of the price to end this curse and free the Negro, then let God's work be done.
- Joshua Lawrence Chamberlain, Gods and Generals (2003)
--Xiang An at 8:50 PM
Friday, December 04, 2009
You see the depths of my heart
Incomparable, unchangeable,
You see the depths of my heart
And You love me the same,
You are amazing God.
Some times I wonder why God would choose to be with someone like me, when my heart is filled with so much ungodly thoughts. No matter how much I try to push them out they find their way into my heart and mind... and I wonder, why does God bother with me?
God sees each of us as a holy child of light, a jewel that when polished will truly be salt and light for the world... Yet at times it's so hard to see ourselves that way. The only answer is to just trust God, that in His perfect plan for us also comes the process of polishing away all the values that are ungodly. It's never easy, and it's often painful, and our own natural instinct is to turn away.
Faith keeps us going down the path God has for us, even if it means we fall down and get hurt. We know that He will be there to pick us up, make us stronger and carry us on when we can no longer carry ourselves. A leap of faith we all have to learn to take.
A leap of faith...
--Xiang An at 10:55 PM
Thursday, December 03, 2009
Impossible choices
Serving God in church, or staying at home to do my revision like my mom wants/expects me to?
I wish I could do both, but my mom's expectations means I'm going to have little or no time to do so, and I really don't know what to do. Am I to choose serving God and tell my mom that? I can't find a right way to put those words, and she won't understand this perspective.
Yet, I can't say honouring my mom's wishes is more important than God... and I guess you could say serving God in church isn't the only way to serve or have a relationship with Him, but I'm stuck, it's a choice I don't know how to make.
I can only hope that God helps me use my time to the fullest, that I will have both time and strength to do both... and yet it seems that decision almost certainly means I'll have to sacrifice the things I want to do during the holidays, like really practise and get better on the electric guitar... Sigh.
I'm not that kind of person. I don't like being weighed down by studies, just because they're important to my future, I don't want to be boxed in a classroom, or an office cubicle. I want to learn about the world, to be free, to see how the things school teaches us work in real life... Not see them in textbooks.
I want to live outdoors, with my laptop, phone, camera all solar powered just so I could be free in the world, travel around and meet people, possibly impact lives on the way. I want to show people there's so much more out there than just making money and getting by with your own life, so much more to see, to hear, to taste, to smell and feel. So much more to life, than just worry about paying the bills.
If people would just travel the world, they would realise just how blessed they are - the problems they have aren't so big compared to others, the little luxuries they have are so much more than what others have.
I want to live like that, free as a bird, and just go around meeting people. Away from the distractions of modern society, where I'd be free to seek God and free from worrying where my next meal would come from, just trusting in His providence. Travel the world and meet new people, and possibly spread the Gospel to those who've never heard it.
Isn't that a life that's so much better than what we as Singaporean students are going through?
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Irrelevant side note: I might actually REALLY stop blogging for the rest of the holidays... Got arrowed for it. Bleargh.
Meh. Expected from the way she looked at me when Kelvin asked her to get someone to do it. I met her eye and immediately went "Crap, it's me." in my head. HAHAHA.
Oh well, guess I was kind of expecting it? Since I will be freer next year anyway... I guess perhaps this was all part of His plan for Life Con... to have someone not as bogged down?
I totally feel like Leonidas and doing a "This is SPARTAAA!" take right now..
But I'll settle for Warcraft Peon impression - "Work work."
Although right now, mugmugmugmugmugmug.
Greargh... I need to kill some (virtual) zombies to de-stress... Someone ask me out to play L4D2 next week! PLEASE! For the sake of my sanity... Even if I have teach 3 girls to play! ARGH...
Alright, maybe not... I'm kidding (about the last statement)... Probably.
--Xiang An at 8:34 PM