In the night I sit alone
Lifeless to the world I know
Faith loss long ago
In this graveyard I'm calling home
Carved into the stone
A diary of broken bones and
Words I should've known
But this grave's too deep to ever make it up
I'd do anything, anything
Just to feel like I could reach the ground
I'd do anything ,anything now
To spread these wings somehow
I scream these words so loud
But they never make a sound
I'm alive
But I'm barely breathing now
So place my heart under the ground
Lay me down
I'm alive
But I'm barely breathing now
So tread my lungs into the ground
Lay me down
In the night I sit alone
The stars rain on the world below
Beg me to explode
But these dreams I keep are nowhere to be found
I'd do anything, anything just to stop
This way from pressing down
I'd do anything anything now
To spread these wings somehow
I scream these words so loud
But they never make a sound
I'm alive
But I'm barely breathing now
So place my heart under the ground
Lay me down
I'm alive
But I'm barely breathing now
So tread my lungs into the ground
Lay me down
Deep enough so that I'll never feel again
From beneath and in chance in breaking scale
I'm giving in
All the promise of smiles and happiness
That's a dream I'm not willing to admit
I'm not ready yet
To face regret
No I'm not ready yet
I'm not ready yet
--Xiang An at 5:36 PM
Tears Don't Fall
Why am I such a fuck up.
It's like I can't help but piss people off. Sigh.
--Xiang An at 5:10 PM
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Here Comes Goodbye
"What's it like?"
"There are no more goodbyes."
When I see her in heaven, will the two of us be laughing at the folly of our youth? Will all shame and guilt be gone and we can once again talk as friends? Will I be able to hear her say "I forgive you"? Will apologies even be needed?
Or will all of this merely fade away in the presence of the Lord?
I miss her, I miss the things I did with her. I miss the feeling of having someone to hold, of having a girl next to me, in my embrace on the train, and when people stare at the two of us I'll just tell them (in my head) to suck it.
Yet I know that God has more in store for me. I've got to leave this buried in the past and move on. I've got to surrender it all and know that someday I'll be able to truly laugh at this being an idiotic phase of my life and not wondering if I'm still that same guy who would do the same things.
But there's only one person who can assure that - and it isn't me. It's the One who holds my future and my hands.
Maybe when I'm there and I recall every blog post I made, I'll be trying to remember what the pain felt like, but find nothing.
8-8-8
And God, I know it's all of this and so much more
But God, You know this is what I'm longing for
God You know, I just can't see beyond the door
But in my mind's eye I can see a place
Where Your glory fills every empty space
All the cancer is gone
Every mouth is fed
And there's no one left in the orphan's bed
Every lonely heart finds their one true love
And there's no more goodbye
And no more not enough.
And there's no more enemy
No more.
Heaven is a sweet maple syrup kiss
And a thousand other little things I miss with her gone
Heaven is the place where she takes my hand
And leads me to You and we both run into Your arms
Oh God, I know
It's so much more than I can dream
It's far beyond anything I can conceive
So God, You know
I'll trust in You until I see --Xiang An at 7:54 PM
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
If you're happy, I'm happy
Stupid stupid stupid.
It's that whole "emotion vs. logic" thing again.
I know I should let my feelings for her go, I know full well that I made a covenant to stay single in this season of my life. I know that she's got eyes for another guy.
So why can't I just let this FUBAR crap rest? Why must I be thinking of it every chance, every moment?
I'm so tired of praying and falling back to these thoughts, sometimes within the same day. There's this impatience within me. Why hasn't God taken away this stupid feeling? Why hasn't He helped me see her as I should, instead of being carried away by infatuation? Why am I still struggling with the same sins and temptations after asking Him to sustain me?
I guess you could say I'm getting a little fed up with God. I know He's refining me so I can be as pure gold, but head knowledge just isn't enough. I don't feel it in my heart and that's what scares me. That Christ has changed the way I think, but nothing else. Nothing else about my life has changed. Has He given up on me? Logic says no, but it feels otherwise. Can I overcome these issues? The Bible tells me "yes" but it feels like I've made no progress at all.
Logic. Emotion. Is this hopefulness wishful thinking or encouragement from the Holy Spirit? Are my feelings just impatience, or are they reprimands of the Holy Spirit that I need to step up my game?
More questions, and no answers. I'm going nuts. It's getting hard to put my heart into worship, to commit everything unto the Lord, when it feels like my prayers are being met with nothing but silence... Or am I not listening closely enough?
8-8-8
You are my Light
You are my Strength
You are my Rock
On You I stand
I lift my voice
I raise my hands
I lift my soul
With all I am
In Christ forever I'll stand
I will believe You are strong enough
In my weakness, God be lifted up
And I will sing
Lift Your praises high
Lord be magnified
You make all things new
I will believe
--Xiang An at 1:25 AM
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Baby, you are my only
Yes, I was too lazy to use the exact title in Chinese of the song Jem sang today.
Haven't been to a wedding for a while, and it's heartwarming to see how Jem and Tricia have decided to take this next step on their journey of life and love together. Yet, for all the hype we generate about weddings, the bride and groom leave the chapel the same people they were inside when they entered. On the surface, we see that nothing changes, and we know that for the couple, at the very centre of their relationship is already is strong core that has been forged through their time together.
With marriage comes a new set of responsibilities and challenges, but isn't it true that the foundation, the basis for everything they'll be facing has already been established, already put in place by God during their time of courtship?
I find the kind of love between Jem and Tricia really amazing, and indeed, it's not a love you find in a lot of couples these days. The fact that God has been the centre of their lives has only served to make the relationship stronger, as they know that (as the verse they picked to be their guide says) they "can do all things through Christ who strengthens them."
It's sad to see how many people treat relationships as a joke these days, and that they're giving away pieces of themselves so freely because God is not the centre of their lives. When they hit the first rocky patch of their relationship, they start thinking about breaking up, rather learning to love their partner, learning to weather the storm and to build each other up instead of seeking their own security and comfort (I refer to comfort zones, not material comfort).
Witnessing the wedding kind of made me wish I'll be that lucky to experience the same thing. Or at least, stirs up a kind of impatience knowing that before me stand testimonies of how God has to be the centre of everything, even our relationships with our partners. It reminds me (and the voice in my head adds a touch of mockery to the tone...) that God has to be done molding us on the inside as an individual before we can be half of a whole, and truly be good partners to our significant other. Even then, God has to continually be there refining us every step of the way.
To live life as a single Christian is tough enough, I can't imagine how much more challenging it'll be to live as a Christian couple. Where you are responsible not just for yourself, but for the one you're attached to. It's a monumental task, and one I'm not eager to try out just yet (God knows I've got enough on my plate dealing with temptation and sin, walking with Him closely when I'm NOT in a relationship), but all the same it's heartwarming to know that even in today's screwed up world, God protects and nurtures truly loving relationships and they do shine as testimonies to the people around them.
On a related note...
DODGER FROM PRESSHEARTTOCONTINUE (PH2C for short) has officially become my favourite girl ever!
1. She does game news on her YouTube channel. (SHE'S A GAMING NERD! A rare specimen among the female gender)
2. She is super cute. (She's a CUTE GAMING NERD. Such a specimen has yet to be documented)
3. She has an engaging personality (okay, people are going start saying "but you only know her from her YouTube videos! ... It don't matter! She has a totally different style from most Youtubers who do gaming news, and it totally rocks my socks.)
4. She is NOT obssessed about cleaning (Come on, how many girls do you know are like that?)
5. She likes anime and comic books.
6. Cute gamer chick who isn't obsessed about cleaning and has a great personality! COME ON WHAT MORE CAN YOU ASK FOR?! (Okay, maybe if she played an instrument too but that's just a bonus at this point)
I think I'm in love!
Oh, and today was pretty awesome getting to hang out with a certain someone :D
And catching up with Shane, Samu (My fellow BROTOSSES!) and Benedict. Their army lives seem pretty interesting :D
We did discuss StarCraft for a bit... and we had a great time discussing strategies and share a lot of common views.
1. We the MMM ball with a passion
2. 6 pool sucks balls to deal with.
3. Uncle Matt seems like a Terran player (this was entirely born out of curiosity as to whether he plays Protoss... we unanimously said "Terran" almost all at the same time.)
--Xiang An at 11:31 PM
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
It's hard to deal with the pain
Of losing you everywhere I go
But I'm doin' it
It's hard to force that smile when I
See our old friends and I'm alone
Still harder
Gettin' up, gettin' dressed
Livin' with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade, give away all the words
That I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken
8-8-8
Lord, will You take this weight off my heart? I don't think I can shoulder this any longer. Seeing her every where I go, seeing the things we used to do, walking past all our old familiar places. The memories of what we shared and what we did... I can't erase what was done, but I can't take the burden any more either. I leave it in Your hands.
I surrender.
Amen.
It's the only thing I've got left to say, the only I CAN say before I go nuts.
--Xiang An at 8:01 PM
Saturday, October 16, 2010
You! Yes, you!
Get out of my head, please? Thinking about you is driving me nuts. All 3 of you.
8-8-8
On a separate note, the household survey at CCWA today was... meaningful, to say the least. An elderly man spoke to us at length (although that did delay our work by an hour... It was a good hour spent) about loads of stuff. He was recently unemployed because his employer was basically one of those stuck up young upstarts that tell employees "there's a line of candidates waiting for the job".
It angers me to hear just how inhumane some people can be. Why judge someone by their age, if they're perfectly able-bodied and willing to work? Why judge people at all?
It's sad to see how much people go through just because they were "unlucky", and I was silently praying for the man as he related his story to us. The Japanese came to occupy Singapore just as he was about to go for school the next day, and that prevented him from getting a proper education even after they surrendered.
I think what he said was very true, "People want to work, but they don't want to get their hands dirty. They don't want to 'humiliate' themselves."
Makes sense, doesn't it? In a 'civilised' society, why would people have to do jobs that involve being surrounded by filth, and getting dirty? Yet, who does all this work just so we can say we live in a clean and green city?
That brought me back to remember (and be grateful for) the reason why I've given up on ever trying to relate to girls my age, even Christian girls. They say one thing about "serving" or being helpful and [insert Miss Universe-esque answer here]. Yet all you have to do is ask them to enter some place smelly, dirty, or unhygienic (or a combination of the three) and you see that look of disgust and hesitation.
"What? EW! DISGUSTING!"
Don't get me wrong, I think a lot of guys would do the same too. Just that I've seen stronger reactions from girls than guys. Yet I can't help but wonder, is that how we're called to live? Is that really the extent of "loving others" that we keep toting like some mantra?
Interesting thoughts. It's a really personal thing, so I'm not even going to attempt to answer these questions. I'll admit I'd probably hesitate and take a step back if asked to go into a sewer to dig for stuff or something similar, but what would Jesus do? Feel revolted by the thought and shirk from helping? Of course not! Come on, the guy touched lepers and Lord knows (pun not intended) what other forms of debilitating diseases in an era where hygiene wasn't even invented yet.
Can you imagine if Christ were to return to earth in this time period? In Singapore? Can you imagine the kind of looks He'd get from Singaporeans (Christians or no) if He went around to the dirtiest places in Singapore to minister to the people there?
Keep in mind that this is Singapore. The dirtiest places we have are probably cleaner than the cleanest places in some of parts of the world. What would we, as Christians, do if placed in the same position? Would we respond the way Christ would? Would we jump into a sewer to help retrieve something for someone? Or would we stand back and say, "What? Ew no gross!" if God prompted us to do so?
Hm. Really interesting indeed.
Which brings me back to my point. It's sad to see how little respect we give our elderly and how much they've been mistreated when they really do have precious nuggets of wisdom that we dismissively wave off as rantings of old people and superstitious and uninformed talk of "uneducated" elders.
I really have to start paying a little more attention to what my grandmother has to say, instead of getting annoyed. (Well, if you know my grandmother and the kind of things she usually says, you'd realize what a daunting task this is.)
Oh, and interesting (albeit creepy) moment of the day: Some random woman took a pot and spoon, held them outside the gate of her flat and started bashing them together. I first assumed she was just being guai lan and venting her frustration since there was construction going on upstairs and it was quite noisy...
Until I walked past the said flat and she was singing. Not creepy music, GOSPEL songs. I gave the gate a wide berth and thanked God I couldn't see inside. If you're asking, yes, I was freaked out, because I saw two scenarios in my mind.
1. Knife replaces pot and spoon as her arms lung through the bars of the gate.
2. Exorcist sequel, Singapore edition.
It didn't help that the theme from the Twilight Zone was playing in my head the whole time too.
--Xiang An at 12:51 AM
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
I hate infatuation.
8-8-8
Oh, what a ride
What a perfect sky to frame your hazel eyes
I'd scream on the inside
But right now it feels like I'm tranquilized
Oh what a fool am I to be tongue tied
Sitting next to her
The princess and the passenger
You touch the rain
And suddenly there's waterfalls
Now everyday,
Is something more worth fighting for
Baby, you make the sun shine down
You make the sun shine
You can paint the darkest clouds
And turn them into rainbows
You take your secret smile,
The one that turns me on
Hey girl you've been what I'm waiting for
Feet back on the pavement
To the basement, on the bright side of the road
Fumblin' my lines to a lazy cat
On the step outside her door
She opens up and I'm in a Polaroid
Standin' next to her
The princess and the passenger
Touching the rain
And suddenly there's waterfalls
Now everyday,
Is something more worth livin' for
Baby, you make the sun shine down
You make the sun shine down
You can paint the darkest clouds
And turn them into rainbows
You take your secret smile
The one that turns me on
Hey girl you've been what I'm waiting for
On a day like this when the world is elevated,
On a day like this I know just why I waited.
On a day like this when the world is elevated,
On a day like this I know just why I waited.
8-8-8
Can't get this song out of my head. Grahh. Makes me so deliriously cheerful whenever I listen to it on my iPod. What is she doing to my head. *hits desk with forehead* At least, my promos are over.
8-8-8
8-8-8
There's a place in your heart where nobody's been.
Take me there.
Things nobody knows, not even your friends.
Take me there.
Tell me about your momma, your daddy, your home town, show me around.
I wanna see it all, don't leave anything out.
I wanna know, everything about you.
And I wanna go, down every road you've been.
Where your hopes and dreams and wishes live,
Where you keep the rest of your life hid.
I wanna know the girl behind that pretty stare.
Take me there.
Your first real kiss, your first true love, you were scared.
Show me where.
You learned about life, spent your summer nights, without a care.
Take me there.
I wanna roll down mainstreet and backroads like you did when you were a kid.
What makes you who you are, tell me what your story is.
I wanna know, everything about you.
And I wanna go, down every road you've been.
Where your hopes and dreams and wishes live,
Where you keep the rest of your life hid.
I wanna know the girl behind that pretty stare.
Take me there.
I wanna roll down mainstreet.
I wanna know your hopes and your dreams.
Take me, take me there.
Yeah.
--Xiang An at 10:17 PM
Sunday, October 10, 2010
My Worst Fear
Last night you gave me a kiss
You didn't know it, but I was awake when you did
You were quiet, you were gonna let me sleep
So I just laid there pretending to be
You said some things you didn't know I could hear
And the words "I love you" never sounded so sincere
It's gonna make it hard to tell you that I'm leaving
Now that I know just how much you care
You finally gave me one good reason not to go
But staying here is my worst fear
This morning I rolled out of bed
Recalling all the sweet things you said
This was the day I was gonna hurt you bad
Called out your name, but you didn't answer back
I searched the house to find out what was wrong
Like a ton of bricks, it hit me you were gone
[Bridge]
All along I knew that there was something missing
And only one thing left to do
I had to leave behind this life that we'd been living
But the only thing that left was you
It's gonna make it hard to tell you that I'm leaving
Now that I know just how much you care
You finally gave me one good reason not to go
But being alone is my worst fear
And staying here is my worst fear
--Xiang An at 2:01 AM
Thursday, October 07, 2010
The value of God
I guess the title pretty much sums up everything I've been wondering about.
Every time we say we need to "put God above everything else", do we truly mean it? There will always come a point in our lives when the choice comes between God and the desires of our heart, moments when choosing God means something significant, comes with a great personal sacrifice on our part.
It's a tough call, choosing to follow God's path and to follow it. It will most certainly diverge from the paths we want to take, and God always gives us the choice. I guess in light of this, it's kind of hard/impossible to understand the depths of His love (or our stupidity, depending on your perspective.) It's kind of ironic.
So in relation to my last post... Yup it sucks when I see how happily giddy (or is it giddily happy?) my friends who are attached are around their other halves, but I've made a choice to wait and to follow God, to let Christ mold me and guide my life... and see where the road takes me. I'm sticking to it. Painful? Yes. But hey, there's so many other things to be grateful for, no matter what the circumstance. Each day is a gift and not a privilege, each breath so precious. It's time to live life with the value God has given to it, not wishing things would go our way or be better.
8-8-8
You waved your hand and it was done
Said "Let it be", and there it was
A mountain, so high, it broke through the sky
A canyon so deep, it'll bring a man to his knees
[Chorus]
I've seen what you can do
I've seen you make miracles and hopeless dreams come true
You've made the heavens and the stars
Everything, come on how hard
Could it be, to make her love me?
I've said some things I shouldn't have
Tried everything to win her back
I'm human, I messed up, Is she gone?, Are we done?
Forgiveness, another chance, that's all I want, it's in your hand
I've seen what you can do
I've seen you make miracles and hopeless dreams come true
You've made the heavens and the stars
Everything, come on how hard
Could it be, To make her love me?
To make her love me
To make her love me
8-8-8
It's a question I've been asking/asked God a lot. And the second line is pretty much on the money. "Forgiveness, a second chance, it's all I want, it's in Your hands."
I'll let Him decide what's best.
--Xiang An at 10:40 PM
Wednesday, October 06, 2010
Anticipation is a killer.
Because you KNOW the thing you desire most is within your grasp, yet just slightly out of reach.
Been planning my PMC (mercenaries, basically) gear. And it's just so freaking expensive.
All for a grand total of $378. Argh. Not to mention that's AFTER I save up to get the Nerf Stampede ($94). And after deciding not to get the ACU because it's darn expensive as well.
Sigh.
8-8-8
Of course, there's the kind of anticipation that kills you because it's not even measured in months.
Decided to walk home today, and by a longer path too. I found myself playing nothing but love songs the entire way and then images of her (no, not my ex) kept playing in my mind. Sigh. I thought I was over it too.
Not to mention a really weird dream I had about her that just makes me really wish my mind isn't hiding precognitive powers from me... I've dreamt about events, small snatches of conversations and situations that eventually do occur to me. It's not even deja vu, it's a clear memory of having dreamt of that scene before. There were instances where small details were off, but it's pretty... intriguing.
But I definitely hope that weird dream was not a precognition. Although it'd be cool. At least there'll only be a few days left before that dream is rendered an impossibility (maybe.)
Yeah, can't help but think about her when I'm not busy playing StarCraft... Yet I keep praying that God guides me through this, but there's this impatient part of me, yelling "The wait is killing, Lord, can't you just send her to me now?"
Obviously I'm not going to change God's timing for His plans, and yes, it'll probably be well worth the wait in the end, and no memories I've ever shared with other girls will compare, but right now, the anticipation, the wait, the temptation and the hormonal rushes of adrenalin are getting a little too much.
Sigh. So close yet so far? Definitely.
--Xiang An at 11:28 PM