It was an eye-opening service, though not quite like what I'm used to. I was kind of surprised to see Church of the Good Shepherd there since my aunt attended that church and she told me it was a non-denominational church.
Ended up reaching there late cause I thought we were meeting at City Hall at 4.30pm. Turns out I mistook the meeting time with the start time (FML). Wasted about 2520kJ of energy carrying an extra tie for Pearl which she ended up not need since she got a spare from Jeannette. (Yes, Pearl, I calculated how much energy was wasted on that tie! D< )
Bumped into Sarah after the service. Turns out she was there too but couldn't message me cause she didn't save my temporary number. Haha. Kind of amazing how I keep bumping into people I know during these events. I bumped into Keryn and Lynnette at The Zone earlier this year too.
Ate at Marina Square food court with SFC and the mentors. Kelvin asked Chris and I if we wanted to LAN. I'm quite happy to say I rejected (since it would've been super late when I got home and my dad would've killed me.)
======
Meh, still looking for a COD6 multiplayer crack to play offline and without needing a Steam account. It's been 2 weeks since the release so I guess I can't really expect much.
I wish I knew where Spencer finds all his programmes and stuff. Argh. I seriously should get him to teach me all this computer stuff over the holidays too. Too bad he's in RJ and never has time (or does he always have time instead? meh)
--Xiang An at 3:15 PM
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Nostalgia
Those were some good times, Too bad they had to end. It hurt so much when we parted ways, And we couldn't even be friends.
It's been a year and a half, I wonder if you still remember me, All those firsts we had, And the jokes we shared.
I miss the times we had, But I've moved on. I wished I could talk with you again, Our chats were always fun.
I read what you wrote about me, Those words from long ago, It's funny how they made me smile, When I thought they'd make me sad.
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Meh, it was nice knowing you. I cherish the stupid lovesick comments we said to each other and all the laughs we had. Some part of me wishes that we could still talk as friends, but I guess some things are better left in the past.
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I'm glad I'm finally over the hurt. Thank you, Lord.
It's actually kind of amusing, reading all the things she said about me when we were together... First thing that made me smile all day. (since I was revising, bleargh)
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Oh crap I haven't gotten the things I need to lead gel tomorrow T.T
I should not have finished that bag of M&M's. Argh.
Though, speaking of gel, I wonder if we could do something like that every SFC meeting as a sort of teambuilding or something. I found an interesting gel activity that'd make all the SFC girls' days. Seriously. It involves throwing pillows at the guys. Hahahaha.
--Xiang An at 9:17 PM
Friday, November 27, 2009
Don't know why I bother with SFC's...
Blogs.
What else did you think I was referring to? It's getting boring checking up on SFC10's blogs, besides me, Pearl is just about the only other person who updates regularly (or maybe I haven't found some blogs yet...)
Even Chris hasn't posted anything since his post about migraine.. and that was since college day. Meh. I'm finding nothing to do to fill up my time. There's no one who lives near enough to go jogging/training with me, and the guys from 433 aren't planning on going for movies or anything else soon.
And not to mention, on my whole list of friends, I have no idea who's free enough to play L4D2 with me!
Got COD6 from Chris on Thursday, stayed behind and we took turns finishing missions in the campaign. Can't try out multi-player since I don't have Steam, and I haven't found a way to play with bots only yet (nor has any good bot releases come out, I believe.)
Anyway, COD6 is a definite must play for those who haven't gotten it. The campaign is kind of short, took me around 4 hours to finish it on recruit difficulty (meh, the Brazil missions were totally frustrating), although it is intense. The storyline too.
My only gripe is the lack of any real sniper action. The only 2 sniper rifles given to you in the campaign are the M14 EBR and Intervention (assuming you don't pick up a Dragunov along the way), although there are interesting moments where the enemies pop smokescreens and you have to use thermal sight to get them.
And I have to question the reliability of the so called "Task Force 141" (which the game refers to as the "best handpicked soldiers on the planet") when:
A) The character you play, Roach, falls off ledges and gets knocked out by rubble throughout the game
B) The only badass moments are done by Soap. (and perhaps the scene where you breach into Price's confinement cell... but I'm not giving away details for the sake of those who have yet to play.)
And about the "controversial" airport mission where the player plays an undercover agent who attacks a Russian international airport with Makarov and shoots civilians, I didn't find it controversial at all.
Yes, it is "disturbing" for a game to get the player to walk through an airport and shoot up civilians, but keeping in mind the story of the game, it fits in well. Considering the intention of the mission (which was to set up for the rest of the game, and harden you against Makarov), I found that the mission was actually quite okay, although you don't really get to fight Makarov (lots of Russians with piss poor accuracy, but no Makarov.)
I'm not kidding about piss poor accuracy. I can sprint up to a guy who's firing at me and knife him without taking a single hit. And you'd think with all the red dot/holographic/ACOG/MAR sights they're using they'd be a little more accurate with their shots.
Anyway, finished up my "hardcore" mugging today... Completed my maths and chem revision in 4 hours instead of 6.. Physics, Econs and Math tomorrow, although since it's a Saturday I foresee being outdoors instead of revising.
Still haven't started on modding my newly acquired M16A2 yet. After all the trouble I went through to get it. I had to go down to BT twice because I got one that was damaged the first time and didn't detect the fault till I got home. FML.
Oh well.
Centenary is this Sunday, I wonder how it's going to be like, I'm excited to see how it'll be!
--Xiang An at 11:40 PM
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Overwhelmed
Tomorrow marks the start of my holidays... as well as my revision. There is a sense of denial I guess; nobody wants to burn through their holidays studying. I'm just hoping God will guide me through this period and help me make the time fruitful.
My mom just had a talk with me, and I never like it when she takes that tone. I know she's concerned about me, and that she wants me to be successful in life and she doesn't want me to be struggling to make ends meet. It's not that I don't appreciate her concern... It's just overwhelming.
I don't know, I guess I'm just not the kind of person who can do well when I know a lot of people have high hopes for me. A fear of letting them all down, since I've seen more than enough times how my family can get when they're disappointed. Some would say that's even more incentive to do well, but I can't handle being under such pressure.
Not that I don't want to make my parents proud, who wouldn't? It's a clash of beliefs, I guess. I don't want to worry about my future, I don't want to be worrying over my jobs, my family, my finances and such. I just want to live a life that goes on knowing God is my Providence and that I won't have to worry about what I need in life so long as I remain faithful to Him. A life determined by no one else except my Father in heaven. I appreciate their advice and guidance, some times it's just not what I think is appropriate (from a Christian perspective).
My parents aren't Christians, so I guess they don't see things that way. And I admit I've been slacking off. I'm going to work my ass off and pull myself back up, but I want to be doing it because I choose to, because I know this is where God is leading me, not because anyone else wants me to do so.
I'm thankful that my parents are so concerned over my studies, although I wish at times they wouldn't tell me to do so because they don't want to see me "live the life they had". It's a fair desire to have for any parent, to warn your child about times where you fell, about the mistakes you made and by doing so hope that they will not repeat your mistakes, but I never really understood the whole "live the life I never had" logic. It seems to me like it's just a selfish desire to live another life through your children (not that I'm saying my parents are like that, though I know of some parents who are.)
I know it's not fair to say this, but I guess it's something that's true on some level. I know I'd hate to see anyone I know repeat the same mistakes I did in my life when I could've warned them, but I wouldn't insist on it. People should be allowed to make their own decisions and live with the fruits of those decisions, good or bad.
Human love is never perfect, I guess I can't compare the love my parents show me to the love that God shows to us all, I can only learn from them,their strengths and weaknesses, and learn to emulate Christ-like love and hope that I can apply those in the future should I find myself in the position of a parent (spiritual or physical).
A lot of people have high hopes for me and I guess I have let them down this time, but I'm just thankful God gives me second chances. A lot of people have high hopes for me, and I won't let them down next time!
Time to get back on my feet and get back to the battle. I do feel a little daunted, but I know I'm going to make it through.
--Xiang An at 7:07 PM
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power. Abraham Lincoln (1809 - 1865)
I feel like this right now. Well, not that I've been given "power" in that sense, but rather a responsibility. It's a test, and I've been thinking to myself, will I be able to surmount it?
Then I read this:
If you can solve your problem, then what is the need of worrying? If you cannot solve it, then what is the use of worrying? Shantideva
So true, what's the point of worrying? God has given me these tasks either to show me how much I can really do or prepare to do even more in the future. I just have to take that step forward.
To try to be better is to be better. Charlotte Cushman (1816 - 1876), quoted in O Magazine, December 2003
Perseverance is more prevailing than violence; and many things which cannot be overcome when they are together, yield themselves up when taken little by little. Plutarch (46 AD - 120 AD), Lives
Every little effort, every little success and failure adds to the final product. It's time I stop focusing on whether something turns out "good" or "bad" but rather whether I handled it to the best of my ability or not.
Of all forms of caution, caution in love is perhaps the most fatal to true happiness. Bertrand Russell (1872 - 1970), Conquest of Happiness (1930)
I guess this is a little reprimand to myself for being so guarded. For not daring to love those around me as much as I could be. For letting my circumstance prevent me from showing God's grace and love. I'm not superman but I should stop letting my own pride/self-pity/anger get in the way of doing God's work. Someone has to step up to that role.
Laughter gives us distance. It allows us to step back from an event, deal with it and then move on. Bob Newhart (1929 - )
How did I ever forget this?
Ask not what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive... then go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive. Howard Thurman
So, let's do it.
--Xiang An at 8:27 AM
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Weird quirks
I read through the minutes for SFC meeting from Wednesday and realized there were some weird points in there. Bleh. Han Yu misspelled "chiong" as "cheong", I just laughed cause instead of the "chionging" I got the image of...
Chee CHEONG Fun! xDDDDD
Yes I'm hungry. Meh.
Played L4D2 with Chris yesterday before Life Con meeting. Wow, I know there was a lot of hype from just watching the videos, but playing the game itself is nuts. It's very fast paced keeps you on the look out the entire time, and the scenarios have just been made a lot more difficult without proper teamwork.
Hm, teamwork. Maybe the 2 of us should get the girls to play xD... Nah.
Favourite moment was wielding the katana and just slashing my way through the map. Zombie-beheading ninja!
There was this part where we were in the sewers and it was dark, and out of nowhere came a charger. Ouch. All of us playing went like "What the- ahhhhhhhhhh!" cause we had nowhere to dodge and just went about firing at it.
Jockey's annoying too. Can't wait for an opportunity to play on versus and try playing the new infected. Perhaps during the holidays. There's work for me to catch up on but I left some time open for fun and games (yes, that means I'm chionging a lot more for that.. :[ )
--Xiang An at 10:34 AM
Thursday, November 19, 2009
I am a conqueror.
No, the title isn't implying an emo post up ahead... It's just to express my euphoria cause I...
COMPLETED THE FLAWLESS CHALLENGE IN COD4!!
Flawless - Play a full-length match without dying.
So there.
I r a conkerer in Christ! xDDDDDDDDDDD
--Xiang An at 9:54 PM
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Disney is evil.
From Ally McBeal
Renee: Snow White. Cinderella. All about getting a guy. Being saved by the guy. Today it's Little Mermaid, Aladdin, Pocahontas. All about getting a guy.
This girl seems to post a lot of quotes on her blog and a lot of them are quite emo though I think some of them are quite true.
Warning for people intending to click on the link, some quotes are quite emo.
"Communication. It’s the first thing we really learn in life. Funny thing is, once we grow up, learn our words and really start talking, the harder it becomes to know what to say. Or how to ask for what we really need."
--Xiang An at 12:56 PM
MLIA
MY grandmother just made me very fed up by nagging about my school shirt she can't find. I told her I put it in the laundry basket with the rest of my uniform and she said it wasn't there.
I suggested, "Maybe mum went to soak it before washing or something."
She made a big fuss about how the shirt would still be in the house and when I got up in frustration to go look for the shirt, she said, "No la! Found it already! Your mum did go to soak it first."
Cue anime vein popping... and a facepalm. This is just the retarded kind of situations that you don't know whether to just drop your jaw in shock or destroy something in anger or just outright collapse on the floor in disbelief. Comical, really.
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And parents, please stop telling your kids that unicorns don't exist. Bring them to the zoo! Walk right up to the rhinoceros' enclosure.
And tell them "The unicorns grew fat."
This is how you cure childhood obesity xD
--Xiang An at 12:17 PM
Monday, November 16, 2009
Incendiary Ammunition
I've always been brutally honest, and I haven't really bothered to care if people get offended by it. I always didn't care if people saw me as an ass or a bad guy if I can let people realize there are faults or areas of improvement that have been overlooked. I couldn't care less how harsh or sarcastic I sounded of come off if it meant the goal was that they realized there were things to do better.
I've never seen the need to make my words sound nice and make the problem seem any less than it is. I'm an idealist, you could say, like the quiz I did on facebook said, I'm quick "laid back unless a ruling principle is violated". I can turn downright disrespectful and just let someone know when they've done something I felt was wrong.
And perhaps people don't get the way I think, or don't follow my train of thought, and perhaps that's why misunderstandings occur. I don't know, I guess I do come off harsh or seem to use incendiary words at times, when my actual tone was quite neutral. Could my contemplations and musings been read as accusations and attributions of fault?
Reading through my old posts, I realized that could be the reason why people think I"m self-righteous or hypocritical or something. While yes, sometimes I do use a strong tone of upset un my posts, I never really intended to "blame" anyone, but rather voice otu things that bother me or things that are on my mind that I don't get.
So to anyone's who has ever read my posts and thought I was out to put people down or to give a guilty verdict against you, I'm sorry if I've come off that way. I guess I can't be 100% sure that people don't take my words the wrong way, but if the way I express certain things might seem offensive to you, please keep in mind I never truly want to "destroy" people just for the sake of it, and this is a huble request to please let me know if I have crossed a line and to just clarify the situation with me.
I realize I might come off quite unapproachable at times but it's all a process of molding.
At the same time, perhaps I myself have to make the effort to ensure people get what I mean by articulating my ideas out properly, and perhaps to make sure I always speak out of reason and not anger or upset.
It's not an easy task, but I'm hopeful God will slowly help transform and help me express things a little better.
There's still a lot of things going on in my mind and I'll have to take my mind to figure them out. Once again, I'll be anti-social and turn into a "hermit" and not bring up these things until I've thought them through calmly.
I just thank God there's been a chance to set things right, and to get a clearer picture of how things are viewed through someone else' eyes.
--Xiang An at 8:51 PM
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Only Hope
Out of 6 billion people on this planet, no one else shares the same thumbprint.
For each of us, there are millions of strings of code that come together to make up who we are physically.
The slightest change in the force of gravity or the weight of an atom would render life an impossibility.
It's amazing how much detail God put into creating us. It's ironic how we want to look for other ways to prove our worth and mettle, rather than just admit we're awesome the way we are just because God put so much careful planning into making each and everyone of us. Into making the world.
It's amazing that a church leader that didn't even know me described exactly the way I've been feeling and the insecurities I feel today while she was praying for me. I was broken before the Lord, right there and then.
I've forgotten that my worth and value is in God and God alone, not in anything else.
I've forgotten that He's my only hope, so now I pray to be only His. After all, when has God ever lied, or when has He never delivered on His promise? Dr Nelson said that not a single archaeological discovery has ever been able to refute the historical accounts of the bible.
Brimstone and almost entirely pure sulfur were discovered near the Dead Sea, proving that Sodom and Gomorrah were destroyed by burning brimstone. The prophecies that were described in the bible have come to pass. The fall of Egypt, Babylon and Assyria for example.
So how can God be lying when He tells us we were "fearfully and wonderfully made" in Psalms 139?
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So I lay me head back down And I lift my hands And pray to be only Yours I pray to be only Yours I know now You're my only hope
--Xiang An at 2:34 PM
Friday, November 13, 2009
Finally a good day of rest...
My arms and stomach are aching from trying to do pull ups yesterday. Sigh. I seriously need to get in shape. Bleh, and playing basketball after was a bad idea, had to go home with wet socks that were stinking up my bag.
I enjoy the sleepy rain days but I wish it would stop so we could go play a proper game of basketball or something. Bleh.
I wonder if at times it's better to just assume it's your own mistake and not blame others.
--Xiang An at 6:25 PM
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Sick and tired, this is fubar.
Seriously. After slogging for an entire day, looking forward to Captain's Ball and movie with SFC, you can imagine my disappointment and annoyance when the rest just up and vanished into thin air. Which meant that I basically brought a change of clothes and saved up money for absolutely NOTHING.
Yeah, I guess you can say I feel snubbed. I don't see why people would all go off on their own at the last minute when we already planned to have activities today. It wasn't compulsory to attend, but shouldn't the rest have been informed if most people would not be coming and we wouldn't be able to continue with activities?
And must we make things compulsory before people will actually attend them?
I don't know, I feel that the whole message about being the body of Christ is becoming a bit hollow, if nobody wants to actually make the effort to come down and just do stuff together. Surely we're not just about doing our jobs and that's the end of that.
The sad thing is, we're the ones being "slave drivers" when we raise up stuff like this. Are we the slave drivers, or is it a lack of effort on the others' parts (I might even go so far as to say showing people the "princess attitude")? Or is it both?
I don't know, I guess there are faults and misunderstandings on both sides. I know I should try to see things from the other party's perspective, but let's face it, the last thing I am ever going to comprehend is how a girl's mind works.
So I'll just be anti-social for now till I figure it out.
--Xiang An at 8:37 PM
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Downtrodden
I might just break down during OP tomorrow. Freak.
It's just been one demoralising thought after the other, and what people say keep affecting my confidence level and the more I think about what's in store tomorrow, both during and after tomorrow, the more I wish tomorrow won't come.
I hate being like this, I don't want these thoughts anymore... Just make it go away, someone, anyone, please.
--Xiang An at 7:17 PM
Monday, November 09, 2009
The Unavoidable Battle of Feeling on the Outside
Perfect description of the way I've been feeling recently. Like no matter how much I try, I'm always going to be the one left out.
I know I shouldn't think this way, I know God's grace is enough for me, and I know He has put caring people in my life, but then again, those people don't seem to be around when I need them to be.
I have to agree with what Waki said, it's tough being a Christian.
--Xiang An at 8:23 PM
Friday, November 06, 2009
Irony
Jem brought up something very interesting today that just made me realise how "screwed up" SFC is in terms of our range of weird people. You have the girls that are perfectly natural around guys and as opposed to other regular girls, those that won't even entertain the notion of being around a guy.
And then you have the 2 guys who joke all the time but 1 of them is all mellow and calm while the other is worked up by certain situations. And the 2 of us are now competing for supremacy in SFC.
To see who can get the highest score on tap tap playing viva la vida. Just for those who are curious, current tally is me: 100% 737k with highest streak of 458 while chris has 100% 777k.
I've stopped trying. My fingers are stiff and there's better application of my time. But do note that my score was achieved in less than 24 hours and chris in a few days. Yup, goes to show how much of a life we have, or the lack of it.
And despite the dysfunctionality on SFC; I can't help bit be grateful we're all still able to work together and enjoy our times of fellowship. And that we can clear up misunderstandings that occur. I believe what kelvin said about a real sense of unity being developed in SFC is slowly coming to pass.
After all, God didn't put all of us together to watch us tear each other apart! (although I can say for sure about waki tearing the rest of us apart.)
--Xiang An at 11:42 PM
Thursday, November 05, 2009
Cosmic Joke
God is a really cruel prankster. A supposedly mundane occasion played out in my head as one of those romantic comedy moments. Someone clearing up misunderstandings and hoping to resolve a conflict merely worsening the situation.
Sometimes I can almost hear God laughing from heaven above. Sheesh.
--Xiang An at 7:43 PM
Tuesday, November 03, 2009
Rock and a hard place.
How do you love someone as your sister when all your heart wants you to do is love them as if they were your other half?
Where do I draw the line between being kind and helpful, and doing things hoping to charm her? I don't want to make things awkward and at times I wish I could just hide in a hole somewhere, hidden from the rest of the world. Unfortunately I have responsibilities to fulfill and they deny me that comfort.
At other times I just want to throw caution to the wind and just stand up and shout to the world how much she's driving me crazy, to immediately be by her side when she's feeling upset or be there to shoulder her burdens when she's tired out by everything she has to do. Sometimes I just want to be her hero, even when I know she has eyes for someone else and somewhere in a dark quiet corner of my heart, whispering the fact that she and I were never meant to be.
And sometimes I wish my life could end so I don't have to deal with any of this. Not in a suicidal kind of way, it's almost like wishing I could be living in heaven or as a lone wolf or eagle or even just the wind; where I don't have any worries and just live out my life the way it was supposed to be.
But all of this is just wishful thinking on my part. Who am I to think that I could be the one for her? Or who am I to think that I can hide within my walls and forget the world outside, or that I could even be something else where I would not be bothered by such things?
Wishful thinking, but the real solution is cutting me up inside. My heart's a coil of barbed wire and every it beats it just bleeds more.
--Xiang An at 9:57 PM
Monday, November 02, 2009
500 days of summer
Crap... Why the hell did I go watch that movie alone? Now I'm at the deepest depths of my emo-ness. So many things are like the story of my life.
"This is a story of boy meets girl. But you should know up front, this is not a love story."
Summer: I woke up one morning and I just knew. Tom: Knew what? Summer: What I was never sure of with you.
Rachel Hansen: Tom, I know you think she was the one, but I don't. Next time you look back, I think you should look again.
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I'm off to play wrist violin.
--Xiang An at 8:40 PM
Sunday, November 01, 2009
I hate those words
Sucks to know I'm the only one who can get myself out of this. Sucks when everyone sees it as a failure instead of a lesson and lectures me instead of encouraging me. I know what I did wrong, I don't have to hear it from you 10000 times. Argh.
I hate this. Am I getting frustrated for nothing?
--Xiang An at 11:46 PM