Today's service just seemed as if God had prepared it specially for me, even the new song we sang made me reflect on the holiday's events, it's like a perfect description of what I went through and the new commitments I've made.
Why is my blog post entitled the "Mount Horeb Experience"? That was the title of today's sermon, basically about Elijah in 1 Kings 19:1-18, where Elijah had been threatened by Jezebel and fled for his life, wondering why he was being persecuted despite great feat he had performed before Israel.(calling forth fire from the sky)
He said he was the last of the prophets and there was no one else left who believed in God, yet God said he had reserved 7000 in Israel. Elijah let his troubles replace God's perspective with his human perspective. He lost sight of God for that point in time.
Moses as well, although I wondered why Moses had any relevance to Mount Horeb, Pastor Andy gave us a geography lesson, Mount Sinai is one of the summits of the mountain range where Mount Horeb was. It was there where Moses asked God why was he the one being chosen to lead the Israelites out of Egypt.
Put bluntly, in a sense he was asking: "Why would God choose a murderer?" Moses did commit the mistake of killing the Egyptian guard, but God chose him because when Moses committed the mistake, in his heart he was trying to protect the Israelite slave. God is a God of second chances, Pastor Andy put it. He looks at the heart, not at the deed.
He challenged us to seek God, to seek that "Mount Horeb experience", to ask God to renew our perspectives and calling, instead of letting our own perspectives blind us. The analogy of dreading school and seeing it as returning to our local mission field really brought it home.
I guess it's really been what I've been going through as well, letting my troubles substitute God's perspective with my own, letting my own inadequacies and insecurities stop me from listening and submitting to God's calling. There was just such a deep stirring in my heart when I sang the new song, when I remembered what I've been going through during the holidays and what God has done for me to bring me back.
(Lyrics might be a bit off, I only remember the first verse 100% xD)
God Your unfailing love Holds me by the hand It never lets me go No matter how far I've ran
It's Your love, that I hold on to It's Your face, that I look upon It's Your strength, that I lean on That's why I sing
In my trials, I will praise You In my fears, it's You I will run to I'll sing of Your everlasting love I'll never let You go.
--Xiang An at 3:57 PM
Prayer @ Midnight
I woke up halfway through my sleep and couldn't get back to dreamland, so I started praying on my bed, right then and there. Everything seems so peaceful when you lay everything down that's troubling you to God in prayer.
A. Stop being a joker.
Yes, I literally prayed about this. I realise I crack jokes and make fun of people even when it's uncalled for, and I'm bordering on becoming an ass. So I asked God to just guide me to become a better man of God and just be more responsible, mature, gentlemanly, when the time calls for it.
No, I'm not asking Him to get rid of my humour, so too bad for you people who think you're getting a break. (Well, you are, in a way, just not all the time =P)
B. Laying aside crushes and eyecandies.
Dude, are you nuts? Nope, I'm not. I can't let things like this keep my focus away from God, so I'm asking God to help me mend my heart and the way I look at girls, turn me away from eyecandy and such. Heavy commitment (I can sense the girls rolling their eyes now) for a guy, but it's about honouring God and not our own self-gratification.
C. Sin and Temptation
A major problem for me, especially during holidays where I have too much free time. I prayed that I'd be able to make the choice between "what is right and what is tempting". This isn't just about anger, pride or lust (i.e, things ALL guys deal with) but at times when I can choose to turn on my laptop or open my lecture notes (God knows how much I fail at choosing the latter option), when choosing between what I know God wants me to do, and what I want to do.
D. Doing things for the right reasons.
I've been questioning myself lately whether the things I'm doing are for the right reasons. Like helping my friends. Am I helping them because I am honouring God, or am I helping them so I "gain importance in their eyes", in a sense. After all, I must decrease and God must increase. I cannot be doing things for my own purpose or gain, but for the greater glory of God and His kingdom.
I guess pride comes into play here as well. I prayed for God to break down my pride so that in all I do, I would be doing as a humble servant of God. It's hard to serve God when your pride gets in the way - you refuse to let go, refuse to let others come in. It's something I have to be wary about and I asked God to break down my pride and increase my humility.
E. Courage
This is a very broad thing, I guess choosing to do what is right and godly comes under this too, but I prayed about just having the courage to reach out to my friends and family who have yet to know Christ, courage to display my faith and not be afraid of persecution. There have been times where I'm afraid to tell people I'm Christian or display my faith for God because I feared mockery and being asked questions I couldn't answer.
So I'm asking God for strength, for the courage to stand up for Him and never be afraid to take a sniper shot for it. (Forgive my shooter analogies here) To hold my head high when I tell people I'm Christian.
F. Perseverance
The road is tough, I mean come on, the two things that "rule" my life - girls and being a joker - I'm giving up to be a better man of God. Obviously that's not going to be easy. Perseverance is not something easy to achieve, and I prayed that God would keep me conscious of Him walking with me on this difficult path each and every step of the way.
Secondly, of course, not to be afraid of falling. So many times I've never dared to take that step forward because I was afraid I'd fall. The funny thing is, the hesitation made me fall. So I also prayed that I wouldn't be afraid of failure, to know that God is there to pick me up, I'm carried in Everlasting arms and He'll never let me go through it all, so in spite of the circumstance, to just trust in Him and carry on forward.
G. Apologising
For spending my entire holidays on the laptop instead of on God (and my studies), for when I let stuff like eyecandy, anger, pride, insecurity, lust, laziness take my focus off God. I guess gluttony kind of comes into play here as well. I have to apologise to God for giving in to temptation. I've call McDelivery 3 times in the past 2 weeks, ate fast food God knows how many times, and ate so much junk food even though I said I wouldn't.
But yes, confessing my sins and the mistakes I've made to God, saying sorry and praying that He'll make me stronger so that I may turn away from making those same mistakes again.
H. Family and Friends
I didn't have anyone specifically in mind to pray for, but I prayed that God would just continue to watch over each and every one of my family and friends, Christian or not. That they'd be more aware of His work and blessings in their lives even if they are non-believers, that God would continue watching over them and prepare their hearts to accept Christ.
Next, that He'd just come and help those who were struggling with personal, emotional and spiritual issues. Not that I know specifics about anyone, but while reading the blogs of my friends(namely SFC, cell blog), I just get this feeling that some people are going through a rough time/have difficulty dealing with certain issues (or I could just be plain wrong at interpreting their vague posts). It doesn't matter though, God knows what they're all going through, so I just prayed He'd come into their lives and help them, heal them.
I struggle with this often, praying for myself but forgetting about others. I mean, it's easy to tell God about how we ourselves need Him, but to pray about other people, not easy especially when we have other things (to pray about) on our minds when we're praying.
---
None of this is going to be easy, but there is this hope and peace when I know God is looking out for me and taking care of me. I'm seriously laughing over my angsty posts before. (Although Linkin Park songs are still awesome, never mind the angst.)
What can stand in my way when I know God is looking out for me? It's not like I'm going out to dominate the world, but life is just so much simpler when you know God is taking care of the things in your life you have no control over.
--Xiang An at 12:48 AM
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Exorcising Teenage Angst
Alright, so maybe there are people who care.
Annette talked to me over MSN just now, and I guess she's right. Even if no one else cares, all I have to know is God cares. Even if no one bothers about me at least I know the Big Guy is still looking out for me, it makes everything bearable, it keeps the joy in my heart.
It can't be about my selfish want to be cared for by others, it has to be about God. Continuing caring even if you feel like no one reciprocates your concern, because in the end we're doing this for God and not for ourselves.
It's about honouring Him, not about us. Thank you, Annette, for bringing my focus back to God again. At least I know God cares. Cares enough to send someone to read my blog? Haha.
On a lighter note, darn the tabs for Tonight by FM Static are so easy to learn with a little practice. Pity I don't have a capo ): Daaarrnn.
I think I might need a pedal for the chorus part too. Darn, how am I going to get all this stuff? I'm intending to get a few tricks to add on to my repertoire too. I'm seriously running out of tricks to perform (that my friends haven't seen anyway).
Oh man. Time to start saving up again.
--Xiang An at 6:20 PM
If my life were a movie, no one would watch it.
It's easier to run Replacing this pain with something numb It's so much easier to run Than face all this pain here all alone.
Verse 1: Something has been taken From deep inside of me A secret I've kept locked away No one can ever see Wounds so deep they never show They never go away Like moving pictures in my head For years and years they've played
[Chorus] If I could change I would Take back the pain I would Retrace every wrong move that I made I would If I could stand up and take the blame I would If I could take all the shame to the grave I would
If I could change I would Take back the pain I would Retrace every wrong move that I made I would If I could stand up and take the blame I would I would take all my shame to the grave
It's easier to run Replacing this pain with something numb It's so much easier to run Than face all this pain here all alone.
Sometimes I remember the darkness of my past Bringing back these memories I wish I didn't have
Sometimes I think of letting go And never looking back And never moving forward So there'd never be a past
[Chorus]
Bridge: Just washing it aside All of the helplessness inside Pretending I don't feel a thing Is so much simpler than change
It's easier to run Replacing this pain with something numb It's so much easier to run, Than face all this pain here all alone
Correction to my older post. It's not that I'm losing my faith in people. I know God has placed great people in my life, yet I'm not yet ready to trust completely, not with the things I've experienced in my past.
I don't know, part of me really wants to believe that people are inherently good yet I'm afraid to go looking. I hate myself for this childish and selfish desire, but I can't help but feel it, feel like someone really cares.
I'll be brutally honest, I am selfish and I crave attention. Lately I've been wondering how come no one seems to care enough to even talk to me when I would do the same if I read that they were having problems on their blog.
I know it's stupid, I know I shouldn't be thinking this way. But the thought just keeps coming up no matter how hard I try to push it away. I feel like I've never been of any importance to anyone at all, not even Angie while we were together. I sound like an idiot, I AM an idiot, but I try not to think this way and I keep failing.
I mask it behind humour, behind apathy, behind being an extremely annoying ass. I hide it by being immature all the time. People can't stand me, and I guess to some screwed up part of me that's better than getting close and getting hurt.
When can I take off this mask? I don't know. Maybe I've been playing the role so long I don't even know if I can survive without the mask. Like Batman, in the Dark Knight, Rachel says she doubts that the day will come when Bruce Wayne won't need Batman. Maybe that's what I'm becoming.
Biggest step I've got to take now is to leave behind my past and move on. Yet it's so hard with all these wounds and scars, with all the secrets I'm too afraid to tell.
I'm beginning to question my place in SFC and in church. Maybe it's a necessary question in order to answer my doubts in my spiritual walk, but I don't know if I'm going to like the answer I find.
Especially when pretending I don't feel misplaced is so much simpler than change
Shane mentioned teenage angst in passing this morning while we were studying, maybe it's just a part of my life I have to go through, but it just plain sucks. It sucks even more than a vacuum cleaner.
I'm just barely holding on knowing God is here walking with me through this uncertain part and I can count Him, if all else fails, if I fall. Yet I wonder if I'll even be strong enough to reach out my hand to hold on to His.
--Xiang An at 12:08 AM
Friday, June 26, 2009
Status Shuffle
Some of the really weird comments while I'm using Status Shuffle on Facebook. Oh darn, everyone should be using it. Real witty comments.
Some of the funnier ones:
God created the earth and rested. God created Man and rested. God created woman... Since then neither God nor man has rested.
Women are clearly smarter than men. Diamonds are a girl's best friend. Man's best friend is a dog.
Attempting to nail jelly to tree.
Trying to drown a fish.
Laughing at people looking at my status wondering what I'm up to when it's obvious I'm on facebook!
A good friend will always bail you out of jail. A true friend will be sitting beside you say "Damn that was fun!"
90 people have swine flu and everyone wears a mask. Millions of people have HIV and no one will wear a condom.
A man of quality should not fear a woman seeking equality. Man is greater than some of his parts.
When life hands you lemons, squeeze them in the eyes of the one who pissed you off.
A person who knows how to laugh at himself will never ceased to be amused.
Never lonely, because the voices in my head keep my company
going to bed now for some mad, passionate, earth shattering, mind blowing.. sleep! What were you thinking..dirty minded people.
Trapped in status box. Try to send help.
I'm a bomb technician. If you see me running try to keep up.
What would happen if everyone in the world farted at the same time?
Is it sexual harassment if a midget says "Your hair smells nice"
You're doing it wrong, no matter how hard you try it's impossible to fax a cat.
If I was a bird who would I shit on?
Remember that patience is a virtue and murder is punishable by 25 years to life.
Normal is only a cycle on the washing machine
I'm only a million dollars away from becoming a millionaire.
Live each day like your last because if you keep pissing me off... It will be.
Mr Sun is shagging Miss Cloud from behind and that's why we can't see him.
Humour? No? Oh well, it is to me =)
--Xiang An at 8:23 PM
Thursday, June 25, 2009
FML
I am possibly going to jail for the dumbest reason ever. Being unable to submit my NS registration because of printing and when I finally get to printing it, the online registration period is over.
FML to the max! God please send the Rapture, or make some super virus in the database that wipes out their data and we have to do it again. I don't want to go to jail. =(
The alternative is have my parents pay $10,000. They'll kill me for it, so jail is a better option ):
Grahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I'm such an idiot. I'm such an epic failure. Darn darn darn.
God please save me! ): *sings "You are my Shield, my strength, my portion, Deliverer..."* Oh Lord, please send me a get of out jail free card T.T
If God says no, then it was nice knowing all of you guys, whoever reads this. I'm off to smash my head till I die so I can find out if I even have brains.
FML FML FML ): This would be so great on FML.com grahhh
--Xiang An at 2:39 AM
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
When my time comes, forget the wrong that I've done
I dreamed I was missing, You were so scared, But no one would listen Cause no one else cared.
After my dreaming, I woke with this fear, What am I leaving, When I'm done here.
So if you're asking me I want you to know
When my time comes Forget the wrong that I've done Help me leave behind some Reason to be missed,
Don't resent me, And when you're feeling empty, Keep me in your memory, Leave out all the rest, leave out all the rest.
Don't be afraid, I've taken my beating I've shed but I'm me
I'm strong on the surface, but not all the way through, I've never been perfect, but neither have you
So if you're asking me I want you to know
When my time comes Forget the wrong that I've done Help me leave behind some Reason to be missed,
Don't resent me, And when you're feeling empty, Keep me in your memory, Leave out all the rest, leave out all the rest.
Forgetting all the hurt inside You've learned to hide so well Pretending someone else can come And save me from myself I can't be who you are
So if you're asking me I want you to know
When my time comes Forget the wrong that I've done Help me leave behind some Reason to be missed,
Don't resent me, And when you're feeling empty, Keep me in your memory, Leave out all the rest, leave out all the rest.
Forgetting all the hurt inside You've learned to hide so well Pretending someone else can come And save me from myself I can't be who you are I can't be who you are
Oh Lord, when my time comes, forget the wrong that I've done.
This song is so apt for what I'm feeling now.
--Xiang An at 9:27 PM
Jehovah-Jireh
Jia Lei posted this note on his facebook (it was from his pastor I believe) and it really helped me put some things in perspective. Maybe this is God's way of answering some of my questions, the others, maybe I'll just have to learn to be a little patient and wait for the answers.
Just as his posting helped me out, I'll post this here as well so if any of you readers are worrying about the trials in your life or having doubts in your faith like I did, I hope it helps you just as it's helped me.
Matthew 6:25-34
Do Not Worry "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life "And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
Why we shouldn't worry:
A. Worry doubts the Lordship of God over our life (6:25) "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes?"
B. Worry questions God's Fatherly provision for us. (6:26) "Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?"
C. Worry does NOTHING (6:27) "Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life"
D. Worry displays a deficient faith (6:28-30) "And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?"
E. Worry is the pursuit of unbelievers (6:31-32) "So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them."
F. Worry is unnecessary. "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
ll) What We Should Do Instead of Worrying "But seek first his[the Father's] kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." (6:33)
A. The salvation: Seek first the Father's Kingdom and Righteousness B. The solutions: The things that unbelievers pursue will be given to us
Conclusion: To all those who are facing problems and troubles now, do not worry. Trust in the Lord. Keep on believing and don't not lose faith. God Bless, let me end off with one verse.
Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
---
Hope all this helped. It certainly put some things in perspective for me. God bless!
--Xiang An at 2:31 AM
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Doubts
Continued from my previous post, an interesting question struck me just now while I was showering. How does a guy like me who has to have his questions answered act in faith when I don't get my answers?
I don't know myself, maybe it's trusting that the answer will come, maybe it's trusting in God's promise that no harm will come to me if I abide by His word. Yet for someone like me, not getting my answers sets my mind on those questions endlessly. I keep asking those questions until I get my answer, whether people like it or not, and even if I knew I wouldn't like the answers I got.
I'm the kind of guy that can't leave things unanswered, so the biggest question I have to ask myself is, what does it mean to have faith in this situation?
--Xiang An at 6:34 PM
Weakness
I was just reading certain people's blogs, and it's great to see how God is working in everyone's lives.
If only I could say that for myself.
It's not like God isn't working in my life, I know He is. Maybe my eyes just refuse to see it. I feel like I'm really letting down God after all He's been doing for me. What the hell am I doing? I said I'd try to turn away from my sins and temptations but I keep reverting to them. Sometimes I barely last minutes when I say no to temptation before I give in.
It seems as if everyone is really strong in their faith and I'm the lone soldier who doesn't even have the strength to pick up his rifle. I'm so tired and beaten, oh God, won't You come pick me up?
The thoughts I try to push away just keep coming back in my mind. The things I tell myself I shouldn't think about are the things that hold my thoughts. "It's wrong to think like this." "Stop thinking this way." I keep telling myself, but it's hard not to.
I mentioned before that I think about how come other guys seem to be so popular with girls but I'm just the joker that everyone laughs at. All this time I've been telling myself, "It's okay, dude. Your time will come. Besides, you know you're not ready for this, so don't go looking for something you can't handle. You said you'd take this in His time, right?"
The thing is I still can't help feeling that sense of inadequacy, I still can't help noticing how socially awkward I am around people. I meant what I said when I pledged my obedience to God's plans for me, that if He says I'm not ready for the things I want, I'll wait until He says so. Yet there's a part of me that can't help but feel impatience, can't help but think I'll never be ready. A part of me that is so broken but hidden underneath all the sarcasm and retarded jokes.
This is just one of the many things I'm struggling with, and it's really clouding my vision when I try to focus on God. Can I still say I have faith in God if there's a part of me that doesn't want to go by His will? If that part of me wins and determines the way I act and think?
I don't have the answers to these questions, and I truly hope God can answer them. Yet I wonder if I am hearing God's answer or am I hearing the answer I want to hear, the one I think is from God but is actually my own voice?
Can I still hope to portray an image of Christ in school if I can't even make good on my own promises to God? Oh Lord, I really want to follow the course You've laid out for me, yet I wonder if I'm just looking at the path I want to take instead.
I'm afraid the next time I fall hard, I may not be able to get back up again. Ironic, huh? I guess it's true that SFC members aren't necessarily holier than others in the school.
--Xiang An at 12:53 AM
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Random of Randoms.
My eyes are getting hypoglycemic, From staring at my eyecandy's pic. I see links I shouldn't click, Yet I'm wondering which I should pick.
---
Father's Day! The day which, sadly, I fail at telling my dad how much I appreciate his love for me. Despite the fact that we're not that well to do, he tries his best to pay for whatever I want or need, of course, provided that I don't end up killing anyone (or my grades) with it.
Of course, let's not forget our Father in heaven, who thought about us and spent time with us even before we were conceived in our mothers' wombs. A Father whose love is truly unconditional, who chooses to bless us and show mercy on us when we fail Him time and again, who places peace in our hearts when we're upset and strength in our bodies when we're weak. The Father who pushes us but never lets us fall, who carries us in His everlasting arms.
Dear God, I'm sorry I've failed you so many times during the holidays. Giving in to temptation and sin when I know I shouldn't, failing to focus on my responsibilities, forgetting about You while I play my computer games at home. Making all the bad decisions even when I know it's not right (or healthy) for me.
Keep my eyes on You always, and give me strength to always honour and glorify You in what I do, say and think. I'm not the best of people, in fact there are so many things about me that would make for the perfect Dark Prince in a movie, but I thank You for never giving up on me, and I pray that You will continue to guide me back to You and slap me awake from my dreams when I'm straying.
You have blessed with me with much and yet I've done so little to thank You and honour You. After all the times I chose to ignore Your voice telling me what was the right thing to do, You always return to remind me. I pray that You keep my eyes off eyecandy and my stomach away from taking too much junk/fast food. (Argh I am seriously eating too much crap.)
Who else could I possibly worship but You?
So a Happy Father's Day to You, dear God, and to my dad as well. In fact, happy Father's day to all fathers out there!
--Xiang An at 8:56 PM
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Do enrichment programs actually enrich?
The topic of youths came up with my relatives just now, and when I expressed my view that it's sad that parents burn away their children's weekends for enrichment programmes, one of them said that that is supposed to be a good thing, that children cannot be doing things they enjoy forever.
Is this the way the world has become? Childhood is supposed to be a time where we enjoy how simple life is, yet the modern world is slowly shaping us to become cutthroats, to fight for our 'survival' at any cost. Enjoying life seems to be a 'bane' to happiness.
It pains me to hear my relatives speak like that. Hurts me to see how the world has become such an ugly place. Can profit only come at the expense of someone else' loss?
The sad answer to that question is yes. The reason is simple, we've all become too concerned with seeking earthly treasures, treasures which are limited and finite. If there are 100 pieces of gold, there can only be 100 pieces of gold. There is no way to magically produce more than what the world has.
Or maybe I should refine my answer, worldly profit can only come hand in hand with someone else' loss. I've chosen to commit whatever I have with God, that He may do with what I have whatever He pleases. Why? Because God, whether you wish to admit it or not, is the greatest merchant of all.
This analogy may escape some, but isn't it true? God can multiply our blessings and reduce our losses as He wishes. He gives. God makes everything infinite. He is, so to speak, the bank that multiplies our savings infinite times. All it takes it that we have the faith to store our treasures in His bank, heaven.
I sincerely hope that the day will come where parents begin teaching their kids that while excelling at what they do is important, God's direction must come first. Enrichment programs can't give children talents and gifts that God decides not to give them. Each of us have our own unique set of strengths and weaknesses. Why do we have to be perfect?
I wouldn't want to be. Being perfect means I never have to rely on others, means there is no need for me to have friends or improve. In our vulnerability we are made stronger because we have each other, because these are the times when God comes to help us, and when God is with us, we are strongest. A perfect man can still fall because he can never go against God.
To me, it's a lie when people say "You have to be an all-rounder to be successful." It's not true. For when I am weak, then I am strong. True strength comes from God, not ourselves. The weakest person could conquer the world if God chooses to be with him (or her, for that matter, since 'world domination' is a very typical guy thing).
So why do children have to learn to be good at everything? They just have to be good in one thing - having faith in their Father. Just this one thing, and everything else will fall into place. Isn't this true?
--Xiang An at 7:49 PM
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
SFC Guys suck at being men.
"well, after today methinks i have to review my statement of knowing a whole bunch of decent guys.." - Rachel
"3. Do little things in your relationships with women that communicate your care, respect, and desire to protect. This doesn't have to be complicated. Simply be a gentleman to the women in your life. Your goal is to show through your actions that their status as a woman is a noble one. ... Remember that you're not doing these things merely to impress or to win a woman's heart. You do these things for God's glory. You do them to serve a sister in Christ and honor her as a woman.
4. Encourage women to embrace godly femininity. Look for ways to encourage your sisters in godly femininity. When they make room for you to practice leadership, thank them. When they're humble and gentle, encourage them. Femininity is not weakness. It requires great strength of character for a woman to be gentle in an age that screams for her to do otherwise." - Celine's blog
I feel like I've totally failed at my gender. =(
Maybe it explains why I was wondering how come Rachel tagged along for LAN. Note to all my female friends out there: you want to keep the good impression of your male friends, DON'T follow them to LAN shops. Haha.
Okay, LAN was fun, other than the fact that we couldn't start a Versus game in L4D. So we switched to CS 1.6 instead. Highest kill count goes to me =D
Shane and Rachel left after a while, so Jem, Kelvin, Samu and I switched to L4D campaign mode. It was darn funny to watch how Samuel and I were giving the mentors a crash course as we raced through the map trying not to get killed and shooting zombies.
Highlights of the game: Kelvin was the only one left standing and he got pulled by a smoker and incapped, ending our game.
Samuel got pulled to another building and I had to limp across rooftops to save his sorry ass hanging on the ledge.
We kept getting DC'd by the LAN shop server (we were paying in 1 hour blocks) when someone got pulled by the smoker.
-------
I really thank God for helping me put things in perspective. I guess now I realize my infatuation was more of an appreciation of how much that person cared for me, not any thing else. Looking back at the story and song I posted, I guess while they were true, I wasn't really thinking straight when I wrote them.
I still think they were awesomely written though =D Like duh, since they were written by me xD
Okay, LAN has really fried my brain. I'm still hearing roars and growls from zombies and gunfire is still ringing in my hears.
--Xiang An at 10:21 PM
Monday, June 15, 2009
Clarifications
I was just reading Shane's blog, and seeing call me an emo for using this new blog skin really stabbed the total dignity and coolness of the Reaper. So I have to clarify a few things.
1. This new skin is NOT because I'm emo.
2. I like to use the Reaper as my symbol because I like playing assassin-type characters in games. The Reaper is the collector of souls and you don't see him till your death has arrived. Same reasoning for using him as a call sign of sorts in games =P People only see me pop up in game when it's too late. hahaha. (Okay I get owned most of the time but whatever.)
3. Come on, embrace your darker sides once in a while. Christians can kick back and do stupid (albeit not sinful) stuff once in a while.
4. This skin is EPIC. The picture is really well done. And it was this or I choose the one with a cartoon Reaper (which totally kills the coolness) and that other skin as the annoying tab function, which I hate. Everything on one page! Is that so hard?
--Xiang An at 10:40 AM
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Bitter-sweet feelings
I was just reading Christopher's blog, and some things really struck me, and reminded me of stuff I wanted to blog about but forgot to. Yup, I'm really forgetful.
Exhibit A:
The 2 girls, Celine and Jolene were running about doing their duties as Food I/C and Admin respectively while the two of us were sitting at one side feeling ashamed at how our schools have taught us to be gentlemen and to lend a helping hand to those in need, but we failed to do so.
And there I was at the start of the school year, resolving to be less of a joker and being more serious; in other words, acting my age for once when I'm around people rather than when I'm alone.
Exhibit B:
Benedict, despite my constant teasing of him, is really the one guy who I look up to as someone who really thinks and expresses his ideas. I hide it behind a facade of sarcasm and by poking fun at him whenever I get the chance, but the way he can analyse and dissect just about any topic is really crazy (I mean this in a good way.) No conversation topic is ever dull with him around, and his thoughts on the subject of the moment are always interesting to hear.
Which kind of made me feel a bit bad about how I'm always making fun of him and giving a groan whenever he starts expounding at the wrong moments. He's a great guy to be around, and just listening to his ideas alone has given me plenty of food for thought.
Exhibit C:
The fact that out of the 30 participants, there were only 8 guys is kind of sad. Hopefully guys like Chetwin and Ken will be involved as well but thinking about the proportion of Christian girls to Christian guys in the ministry, I'm kind of developing gynophobia. I can totally imagine the scene in 300 where Xerxes steps on his slaves to get off his sedan, except Xerxes is replaced by the girls and the guys become the slaves.
I'm exaggerating the 'evilness' of the girls, but only slightly.
In an unrelated side note, the NS registration forced me to go to the school calendar, which made me realise the handover ceremony for SFC is on 17 July, that's a month from now.
There's a sense of anticipation and apprehension for me. Exco or not, the year ahead will be lined with many activities and much to do, as the J1s now take on the responsibility of nurturing the CU through its infancy, nurturing the legacy our J2s have left behind. The latter sounds extreme, but that's how it seems to me.
Like Chris said, it's like the disciples who had to build up the church after Jesus ascended to heaven. We're doing the same thing on a smaller magnitude, in a sense. I hope that at the end of 2010, all of us can leave behind a benchmark for CU to rally around and surpass.
It kind of reminds me of the Patrol Leaders' Council of 0708. At the end of our term of office, the ventures and rovers told us we were the best batch they had worked with and seen in a long time. We had set that benchmark for the PLC of 0809 and future batches to aspire to. There was a bitter-sweet feeling of achievement in that I knew that our batch was the best in a long time, yet hoping my juniors would surpass our achievements and prove that we were not the best.
Same thing when the principal announced that the class of 2008 had achieved the best 'O' Level results in the school's history. A sense of pride knowing we had surpassed all our predecessors and yet struggling with the hope that our successors would prove to be better. At the end of the day, did we want to be remembered as the best or did we want the future generations who would pass through SJI to achieve more than we ever had?
I guess now that I've matured a little, the answer is that I can have the best of both worlds. My hope is that SAJC's class of 2010 will be able set a benchmark for CU that will be beaten. The spark that starts the consuming fire. The butterfly effect, in a sense. Beating our wings now, we never know if we'll start a tornado of revival 10 years later in SAJC. That is my hope at least, that each of us, doing our own little parts, contribute to a greater cause. His cause.
--Xiang An at 6:18 PM
Friday, June 12, 2009
I can die happy today, but I'm not going to be suicidal and post something stupid on my blog. Hahaha. Which is why I've done like damage control and deleted my previous post. Heh =P
This is the first time I've heard a teacher showing up late for consultation, haha. Then he dragged it on until it wasn't just my own consultation anymore. Getting a Big Mac meal for $1 is still nice though =D Thanks sir! hahaha.
Although I was forced to say grace, being in SFC and all. I ended up being really dumb and singing "ABCDEFG, thank you God for feeding me." xD
And the CF in Koh Chuan is KFC? Where did that come from. ==
And it feels great when someone decides to confide something in you, even if it's something really small and trivial. Hahaha. Still cool though.
PLTC/UTC starts tomorrow! I want to go back and see my juniors, what has become of 04 Pelandok scouts. Despite the camp being shortened by a day starting this year, it's still worth seeing the spirit of determination and excellence among my juniors! I remember my own camp experiences, the fun times I shared with the batch of 2008 and the memories that make me laugh when I get reminded of them.
Went to play L4D with Chris after consultation, although he was stoning at PS for 3 hours while I was having the best consultation of my life. hahaha. Sorry dude.
Read the tags on Shane's blog, and I realized I'm being quite juvenile in my thinking. Maybe I can't that person's actions during the camp because I was once like that, or I was jealous of the attention he was getting. I even felt a certain contempt and laughed at him in my heart because I felt his actions were just... sad.
But shouldn't I learn to accept my brothers and sisters in Christ for who they are? Perhaps his intentions were not as I had assumed them to be. I'm just being judgmental and prejudiced.
But I'm past that. I could care less if people decide to do stupid crap. Hell, I've done the same stupid crap before, I have no right to criticise. Ignorance is bliss, no?
--Xiang An at 7:17 PM
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Back from camp!
A lot has happened, a little transformation has taken place. There were moments of laughter and moments where I was trying not to be judgemental towards someone whom I felt was trying to do inappropriate things. Voicing it out sounds a little childish and immature, since I have no idea if my views are true and I might be just as bad as well.
Evangelism ministry. Just joined it, I have no real idea why. Just seemed like a good idea. We learned about how to approach evangelism, and not to present Jesus as "life enhancement" package, but salvation from our sins and condemnation. I finally realise the distinction between saying things that may sound like I'm condemning them and telling them that they're already condemned in their sin.
Ironically, those of us in the ministry only joined after Evangeline raised her hand. Irony. Haha. She was the center of attention this afternoon as well, as the mentors got to know her better and 'interrogated' her at Starbucks. Funny. Although, she has been catching the attention of certain guys at the camp. *coughShanecough* Not just one too. (Heh, sorry Shane, but I'm only going to embarass you. hahahaha)
It's nice to also meet other Christians, people I would never have met or talked to otherwise. Getting to know them better, getting to build relationships and uniting together to be a body of Christ in SAJC. Abel's analogy of the Roman Legionnaires. Uniting together, shields raised and at the sides to serve the same purpose as a tortoise's shell - protect the unit from arrows. Compared to a single person charging onto the battlefield alone. A team is greater than the sum of its parts.
Broke camp this morning, and we headed out to Popeye's at Changi Airport. It was awesome! I can't believed I've never eaten it before. Starbucks and hitched a ride home.
So tired. Didn't sleep much last night, we had a movie marathon of Take the Lead, Stardust and Twilight.
"Wait! You guys watched Twilight?!"
Yes, we did, at Jolene's request. Although most of us went to sleep when it came on and those of us who stayed awake only watched it to diss it (like me xD).
Sparkly skin is the mark of a killer. Hahaha. Where the hell did Stephanie Meyer pull that out of.
--Xiang An at 6:09 PM
Thursday, June 04, 2009
An awesome song.
I guess I've been wondering how come God has been blessing me with so much although I'm so undeserving of them. Why He is always there for me even though I've failed Him so many times. I guess this song is the answer. It's not about whether you win or lose in God's eyes, to Him, it's about how you play the game. It's about doing your best, it may not be much but it is not too small in His eyes.
My God is a wonderful God indeed.
--Xiang An at 11:08 PM
Wednesday, June 03, 2009
Morning Worship. That's the only thing I was in school for today. Hahaha. Didn't have lessons but Chris and I met in school to go play L4D after.
It was epic. All 4 campaigns and playing survival mode in 3 hours. Heart stopping, adrenaline pumping zombie shoot out. We had Carl's Jr for breakfast and Pastamania for lunch! =D We went up to Caesar's after, and it really made my day.
Shane and Samuel, eat your hearts out. They sell Bleach zanpakutous (STEEL replicas, not cheap wood imitations) AND Kenshin's reversed edged katana (with a really cool looking scabbard. Other katana replicas from anime include Kanda's Mugen from D.Gray Man, and Shana's katana from Shakugan no Shana. Not to mention 18th Century rifles and pistols THAT TRIGGER LIKE THE REAL ONES. Is that epic enough? I don't even need them to shoot, which is obviously illegal. They cock and trigger in exactly the same way!
The French Carbine I really want costs $498, and the reversed edge katana $298. I need to be 18, but that's a good solid 8 months of saving before my 18th birthday. That's $100 a month, which roughly means saving $5 a day for school days. (That's not even counting my Sunday allowances. =D)
Here are just some of the things that really got my attention, aside from the two that I really want to get.
1. The Spartan sword and shield from 300. 2. Ichigo's Zetsuga Tensa. (LIFE SIZED, MEANING IT IS INCREDIBLY LONG) 3. Rukia's Sode no Shirayuki (the ribbons are attached too, and it's really cool in real life) 4. Hinamori's Tobiume 5. Aizen's Kyōka Suigetsu 6. EXCALIBUR 7. Crusader sword 8. Arwen's blade! 9. Sasuke's blade (from Naruto)
--Xiang An at 10:36 PM
Tuesday, June 02, 2009
Went up to the mentors' room after maths tutorial. Started talking about random things with Shane, Benedict and Samuel. The topic gradually shifted to girls, which can only be expected when no girls were in the room. Kelvin mentioned that the problem today with people our age is that we confuse attraction with love. It's kind of true, really.
Looking at it objectively, I guess that's why my relationship with Angie was doomed to fail. I never really knew her that well, although I was willing to spend time with her, it just wasn't quality time, or it was misused. Then I questioned if I was ready to use the word "love" yet. Love is a rational emotion, despite what people believe. It's a conscious and willing choice to sacrifice for your other half.
My answer was this: I am ready to "love" when it comes to the sacrifice for the other half (which I'm already doing a lot of anyway), but I don't think I'm ready or have the ability to do so yet. I'm still a student, studies should come before relationship. Of course, this time I am still growing up, both emotionally and spiritually. God comes first, and my studies. Besides, can a relationship at this point last? I have NS after this, needless to say, a major roadblock. Not to mention with university and getting a job, I'd have to date the girl for at least 10 years before I can marry her. That's just plain ridiculous.
I think maybe that's why it's better to just let God settle things like this in His own time. He knows when we have reached that level of maturity emotionally and spiritually to handle a relationship and when we are able to cope with it financially or time-wise. Emotions do cloud our judgement, after all. Maybe it's time I stopped wishing for what is impossible and just pray that God slowly reveals His plans for me one step at a time.
On a lighter note, there was this really pretty (and I mean REALLY pretty) girl (from SA) on 966 with me on the way back. I wasn't anywhere near her on the bus but she looked in my direction and smiled to herself after that. That sent my ego inflating possibly all the way up to heaven when I decided to slap myself or God decide to poke it with a needle and deflate it.
Inner Xiang An: "Dude, have you taken a look in the mirror lately? A girl smiling at you on the bus? You've got something on your face, or your mouth is hanging open staring at her."
Idiot Xiang An: *wishing really hard the girl is actually interested and gets emo* Damn.
--Xiang An at 7:50 PM
I hate it when people demand so much of me. Asking to find NUMBERS on a SUBJECTIVE nomination process. Not necessarily impossible, but asking me to do it in school in the only break of the day? Not letting me do it at home where I have MORE TIME?
I don't need this. Not to mention the whole group is discussing the GPP on their own while I'm stuck doing the saikang of researching for case study. Why ask me for ideas if you're going to keep me out of the loop? We are a group, right? Doesn't this mean we do things as a SINGLE UNIT, not as individuals? Why is there a discussion going on when one member is isolated doing research? That's not fair. I understand you guys want to get A for PW, but how is any of this GROUP work? For you, it is. I'm the freaking lone ranger here. I'm not even one by choice.
What am I supposed to do now? I said I'd try to change and watch what I say, so I'm not going to argue with you all, much less in the library of all places. But if this goes on, don't ever ask me for opinions if you're just going to disregard it. I'm not perfect, but neither are you. Stop it with the "holier than thou" crap already. Stop throwing my opinions so callously against the wall. If you're not going to respect me, don't expect me to show you any.
--Xiang An at 10:10 AM
Monday, June 01, 2009
I really thank God for the last couple of days, for the peace He has given me and for the friends in SFC who have made me laugh endlessly the past few days.
It's a question that's always been on my mind, why does God bless me with so much at the right time, even though I'm so undeserving? How many times have I done things that have broken the heart of my Father in heaven? I don't think I've actually lived up to a lot of the commitments I've made. Yet I'm still so blessed by the Lord.
Take last night for example, it's a huge relief to finally be able to speak what's on my mind instead of holding it inside. Funnily enough, the relationship between the two of us hasn't been undermined. Is it one of the great things about letting God's will reign? By listening to His instruction and deciding to follow it? It's funny how I've screwed up so much of my relationships (not just with girls) just because I've decided to do what I want instead of listening to God's words.
It's strangely liberating to know that God is always here with me, and things work out so smoothly if you follow His pace and His advice. It's really weird how much protection he has given me. I'm supposed to be emo right now, but I'm not. In fact, I'm having a laugh over the whole situation. It's ironic really, now that I think about what happened last night. The conversation just went somewhere really far away from the topic, and I didn't even care that much. Things haven't gotten sour, that's enough.
After all, God has His own plans for me, who am I to say they're not good enough for me?
--Xiang An at 9:02 PM
Connecting my laptop to visualiser tmr morning in LT1 and play CS. Epic plan for everyone to watch some killing. Muahahah
I so do not want maths tut from 1 to 3 pm. That sucks! ):
Oh well at least I can go chill in the Mentors' Room and play CS! hahahahahaahhaaha
Today was fun, and I can't wait for Wed! Going for Morning Worship then going out to play L4D with Chris and his friends. Hahaha.
--Xiang An at 8:20 PM