Thursday, April 30, 2009
I ponned school so I could stay at home and hang out with my dear Stephanie. She's so awesome and sexy, I can't keep my hands off her.
Yesterday was an awesome day, as usual. We went to United Square for dinner after SFC. I had Pepper Lunch Express AND Subway. Hahaha. Although I sacrificed my Udders ice cream. But who cares? There's always time to enjoy it later.
We were coming up with really random flavours for the ice cream suggestions. Mr Adi suggested Ham, then I said Fried Chicken, then it went on to vegetables - spinach, kang kong! hahaha. Then Mr Adi said he knew of a flavour they would never pull off - Ice cream. Which is kinda ironic. "I want the ice cream flavoured ice cream please."
Then Mr Adi commented that he would do this kind of stupid crap to his children if he had any. He'd name them What's His Name and What's Her Name, just to cause a lot of confusion. "Can you call What's His Name to come for detention?" "Who?" "What's His Name." "Who?" xD That's a genius idea. I want to do that!
I wonder if Mr Adi is going to read this and actually believe what I said in the first line. I'm not actually referring to a girl (Stephanie is the name of my Epiphone SG). But I really am sick. hahaha.
--Xiang An at 8:55 AM
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Today's chaplain hour was awesome. Pastor Jaslyn came to talk to us about sin and temptation. None of us can truly say we haven't sinned, none of us can truly say we have never given in to temptation. The wonderful thing is that God's boundless love covers all our transgressions, that He forgives all our sins if we just ask and repent.
I guess this really helps me a lot, seeing as how I'm trying to change a lot of things in my life. The temptations to stop those efforts are great. Who said change was easy? I must fight on!
And I still think Pearl is a jinx. Hahaha.
Watched the rugby match after that, SA won, as expected! I got to meet up with Sean, Soo and Shaun again after a long time! It's been a long time since I've talked to any of the 433 guys, but we're going out to watch Wolverine this Friday! Can't wait. It's going to be so fun - getting to really have all our retarded jokes and doing all the stupid crap we do (since of course, we're all guys and we don't have to watch ourselves that much if girls aren't around! :D)
--Xiang An at 10:05 PM
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Informal cell with Abel today. He really gave me some advice that helped. I guess God does give us the words of encouragement we need. All we have to do is ask. The reply may come in the form of words from a friend or a bible verse, but hey, what's the difference? It's still God's Word. All we have to do is listen.
Which was what Pastor Gary (who came from the US) preached to us today. That we have to be willing to listen to God's Will for ourselves and trust in Him. Then I read a few pages from Wisdom for the Way and this page really struck out to me:
The Secret is Acceptance
Helen Roseveare was a British medical missionary in the Congo years ago during an uprising. Her faith was strong and her trust was confident, yet she was raped and assaulted and treated brutally. Commenting later, she said: "I must ask myself a question as if it came directly from the Lord. "Can you thank Me for trusting you with this experience even if I never tell you why?"
I guess it's hard sometimes to understand why God allows tragedy to take place in our lives. Some people don't understand how could a God that claims He will prosper us and not harm us allow them to go through such difficult trials. Even I ask that question sometimes. Then I ask myself this: When did God ever say it was going to be easy? When did He say that our path to prosperity and eternal happiness was going to be smooth sailing?
The honest answer is that He didn't. God never said things would be easy, in fact, it is said in the bible that trials would come our way.
In James 1:2-4 - "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. 4Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."
I believe this passage has summed things up pretty well. In order to grow in God and be complete in Him, we have to go through trials, our faith has to be tested and perseverance must finish its work.
So while the road ahead maybe tough, all we need is to place our trust in God, ask Him for guidance and to walk with us. This is something I have to keep doing as well. The road ahead is tough for me, there are things I'm trying to change in my life, and they won't come easy. I'm just praying that God will be there to guide me and to keep me strong when I'm weak.
--Xiang An at 9:45 PM
Saturday, April 25, 2009
I'm hungry and pissed off. My parents went out again without asking me. Just cause I was using the computer. Sigh.
Cooped up at home all day, which really sucks.
Where are all my bros from 433? It's like we don't have time to hang out anymore, I really miss our pool and movie outings. Not to mention the lame jokes we had with each other!
I can't be going out with groups including girls all the time! I miss the rowdy fun we had in SJI! The no-holding-back craziness we had cause we didn't have to watch ourselves around girls.
If any of you are reading this, LET'S GO MERIDIEN AND CATHAY SOON! Haha.
This is a fail attempt at being cheerful. I'm trying not to be emo but it's so darn hard not to be when all I do is piss people off all the time. A lot of work needs to be done about watching what you say, Xiang An.
And oh dear, I can't believe I just saw her photo. It just charmed me even more and I swore to let it go. Sigh.
--Xiang An at 7:23 PM
Friday, April 24, 2009
Jem dropped abomb nuke on us today - we have to do the blogs.
Basically, I just did 4 posts on my DE blog. Which means, this is my 5th blog post in ONE HOUR.
And apparently the mentors found my blog and have read it. Yet no one's tagged. I view this as being stalker-ish, but perhaps it's time to change that view xD
Today was fun! We had PW consultation from 1030 to 130, cause Mr Adi was free and he converted our Math tutorial to PW. And we were doing it in the air-conditioned comfort of the library.
Priscilla was freaking out cause her redone PI was totally shot down, so she was trying to churn out a different one entirely within that time period. I came up with Blood Donation and we went along with it, coming up with ideas as a class in the discussion room.
Which brings me to another point: there is a PW exhibition in the library, and seniors can share with us about PW in there, but we CAN'T discuss PW unless we're in the discussion room. Someone comprehending the logic here?
I left at 12.30 to meet Benedict, Celine and Rachel for lunch at the cafe. Rachel left to go to the mentors' room, but the remaining 3 of us were talking in the cafe. Lots of random crap came up. Especially my MSN conversation with Celine last night, where she pointed me to the article on boundless "What Guys Wish You Knew"
I pointed out that I was a guy, and hence, those were the things I wished girls knew, and that the article wasn't for me. So she pointed me to the article "What Girls Wish You Knew". I should've kept my mouth shut. What I read totally broke my heart.
Apparently, girls expect guys to have plans for marriage, something I certainly will not be doing any time in my life. One of me is bad enough. Ask my parents. They have to put up with my lameness and cynical humour. I'm not going to inflict that on the girl I love. Hahaha.
And imagine me instilling my ideas into my kids. "Now, kids, remember, this fairytale about Pinochio is stupid. Telling lies is wrong, but not because it makes your nose grow longer. And if I ever get lost, you will not get eaten by a whale searching for me. Just call the police. This is a stupid story. Who wants to watch Underworld?"
Then Benedict asked me what my plans are for the future and I said "stay single", which drew a funny look from Celine.
My stupid random comments aside, I have no idea if I'm ready for such a thing yet. Like Celine said, now is the time where I work on it if I feel I'm not ready for such responsibility. (Although she will not be hearing me say I plan to become a Godly husband anytime soon. NEVER!)
I guess I just have to work on things slowly, and ask God to guide me along this journey of my life and to reveal His plans for me. The daunting question I have is whether I'm ready to make that leap of faith and change.
--Xiang An at 9:58 PM
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Mr Adi is the best ST ever. His comments really helped me get my PI going. No more stupid ideas. I'm going to start a revolution!
Okay, maybe not, but definitely a better PI than it was. Now that I mention it, I should've thought of those ideas sooner.
It's really amazing how viewing things from another perspective leads to new insights.
We had a straight 2 hour break after assembly. Awesome. Apparently Mr Yuen didn't come and there was no relief teacher. Mwahahaha. My poison worked. Nah, I don't poison teachers.
ME was... retarded-ly fun. We went around greeting teachers and staff to start a habit of being courteous? Some really weird "21 days to stick to a good habit" thing.
--Xiang An at 7:52 PM
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Today officially starts off our 30 day discipleship experiment for SFC! I'm really excited about it, to really reflect on my own time spent in school, whether I'm honouring God through my actions and character.
I have to admit that I'm not perfect. Who can? The DE has really given me a chance to really look back on my life in SA so far and ponder if there is anything I can change to be a better person, a better Christian, to grow closer to God and to lead a life pleasing to Him. Today the point was brought up that although being strong in faith may bring people closer to you, it also makes enemies.
I guess it's true. Cynicism is the way of the world, after all. In a world where it's every man (or woman) for himself (or herself), maybe people don't believe that there are people out there who can really love their neighbours as themselves.
That's another challenge for me: to love others as myself. I tend to form first impressions of people based on the way they act and how they talk. There are some people that I really cannot find myself associating with based on the way they are. I'm not judging them, or condemning them per se, I just don't find myself being able to tolerate their behaviour if I'm in their midst.
This was one of the points I brought up myself: to tolerate their faults. Isn't that what we wish for ourselves? That our faults can be ignored by those around us and even ourselves? Nobody's perfect, just as we crave for others to accept us as our imperfect selves, we should do the same to others - accept them for who they ARE, not who they should be.
Of course, that doesn't mean totally ignoring their wrongdoings. If a friend makes a mistake or sins against God, we should rebuke them in love, another trait I believe qualifies loving others as we would ourselves. Not scolding them, but talking to them, a peer to another, as a friend, that what they're doing is wrong and speaks poorly of them, that they should try to correct it. Admittedly, some people are just too stubborn to admit their mistakes. A little faith works wonders though.
--Xiang An at 9:47 PM
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Nothing much happened today, until after school where I met up with Benedict, Pearl and Celine to study at the library. We talked for a while at the cafe while waiting for Celine to come back from her tau huey outing with her class. There was just some really funny crap going on during the conversations.
Something you think is not to be lost,
Things you would do to see it last.
An example to analyse and learn from it,
Within five hundred words must be complete.
I hate PW.
PW is ridiculous. It's getting tougher by the minute to express all my ideas in five hundred words. Sigh. It's not even about being succinct, I can't express the important points AND make it clear to the reader within that word limit.
Until Mr Adi taught us how to abuse annexes. Trying to get that done now, and get his opinion tomorrow.
--Xiang An at 7:40 PM
Monday, April 20, 2009
Today was kinda fun, not your usual "Crap I end at 4pm" Monday.
Went for dunch(or linner?) with the guys at KFC. We were all trying to convince Leslie to join us instead of going to Broadway (again). Sarah and Pris came to find us but decided to eat mac's instead. Lynnette and Serene came after them and went to mac's as well.
Melle asked the lady at the counter for a fork in Chinese and it sounded really wrong. Kai Ye, Kong Jian and I were laughing when we heard it. We continued joking about it throughout the meal. Funnily, I ate the fastest despite having the largest portion, since I was eating lunch and dinner. And maybe supper.
We headed back to school for Earthbound after. It was quite informative, albeit boring (it was more of a lecture kind of thing than an interactive talk). It ended at 7pm and we all went our separate ways home after.
Today is possibly the first day I managed to stay awake in Chem Lecture the whole time AND managed to understand everything that was mentioned.
So darn tired. My mum is in a bad mood thanks to her not being able to find some stupid thing, and that the toilet is all wet despite her just having changed the floor mat. So basically, she's ranting at the top of her lungs through the house and I'm the (most) targeted victim.
Any mess that is created is instantly my fault. Gee. Thanks.
--Xiang An at 9:49 PM
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Those flying ants are annoying. I wish I was a Jedi (or Sith Lord), then I could do my Plan A and Plan B.
Plan A:
Step 1: Turn off all lights in the house.
Step 2: Activate Lightsaber
Plan B:
Step 1: Put on a pair of (disposable) gloves.
Step 2: Force Pull all the flying ants to one hand.
Step 3: Clap.
Step 4: Remove gloves.
Step 5: Wash, rinse, repeat.
--Xiang An at 7:53 PM
It's funny how God enlightens each of us in our troubles. Today's cell seemed like it was specifically aimed at me, talking about how Daniel was a man of God, about his integrity and confidence in his relationship with God. Despite the temptations and difficulties he faced, he never abandoned his faith in the Lord and kept worshipping Him.
Life in JC hasn't been easy, but the past week seemed just a bit harder, the temptations to just be inward looking instead of focusing on God too great. But today's cell really renewed my faith today, really motivated me to strive to be closer to God, and to walk away from temptation. I've comfort in know that He walks with me, there to guide me and keep me strong when I'm weak.
Service was meaningful, as usual. We were talking about ministry, about giving up our "treasures" for God, and giving our time and talents to him. It really fired up my desire to serve God more in church, and I signed up as an IGNYTE host. No idea how that's going to turn out though.
I guess it's also time to start learning how to play some worship songs, seeing as how I'll have lead morning worship in school soon when the J1s step up in SFC.
You called me to places I can't see,
Lord open my eyes,
You called me to people I can't reach,
Lord stir within me.
A hunger
to see Your kingdom come,
A passion
for Your will to be done.
Give me a heart for this generation,
Set me apart for Your great commission,
And I will go,
Wherever You lead I will follow,
And I have counted the cost,
I will carry the cross.
So take my hands,
All the I have they are Yours,
And You have laid out my course,
I will live for this cause.
Heaven and Earth will pass away
But Jesus You're eternal
The greatest of kings will fall one day
But Your glory's forever
All Your creation will bow to You
The time will come for all to see
God You reign.
Give me a heart for this generation,
Set me apart for Your great commission,
And I will go,
Wherever You lead I will follow,
And I have counted the cost,
I will carry the cross.
So take my hands,
All the I have they are Yours,
And You have laid out my course,
I will live for this cause.
No turning back
No turning back
And I will follow
No turning back
No turning back
And I will carry the cross
No turning back
No turning back
No turning back
And I will live for this cause.
No turning back
No turning back
No turning back
And I will go,
Wherever You lead I will follow,
And I have counted the cost,
I will carry the cross.
So take my hands,
All the I have they are Yours,
And You have laid out my course,
I will live for this cause.
And I will go,
Wherever You lead I will follow,
And I have counted the cost,
I will carry the cross.
So take my hands,
All the I have they are Yours,
And You have laid out my course,
I will live for this cause.
--Xiang An at 4:10 PM
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Is it late or is it early,
To ask if you'd pour some sugar on me?
In the name of love,
I can't get enough.
I'm hot, sticky sweet,
From my head to my feet.
Just come and have a little taste,
Don't let this fun go to waste.
It's okay to tell me,
What you think about me,
I don't need you to tell me,
You must think I'm crazy.
And it's happened once again,
I'm the random crazy friend,
The one that's without a master plan,
Who's writing a poem you don't understand.
Maybe I'll see you,
At a movie sneak preview,
You show up and walk by,
Then I'll poke you in the eye.
Listening to rock songs on my computer. And I'm feeling really random. Bleh. The kind of stuff a guy can come up with when he's really bored and hungry and his internet connection is offline (from his dad locking up the power to the modem.)
Maybe I should annoy them by playing Barney songs. Too bad they don't know about HSM to be annoyed if I should play it. Darn.
HSM is sad. The only use for it's music is to annoy everyone else. Epic fail.
--Xiang An at 8:18 PM
Friday, April 17, 2009
I speak my words with care,
My true feelings for you never laid bare.
You see us as no more than friends,
Yet I hope it's not how the story ends.
I feel all my troubles vanish with your smile,
Yet the dreams lasts but a while.
I'm so afraid of what this may cost;
To let you know may spell our friendship lost.
I see you laughing with others around you,
Inside I cry at the things I can never do;
Hitherto I shall come, but no further,
To be a friend, not a lover.
You look at me with loving eyes,
But it chills my heart like ice.
I know that love is no more than a friend's,
Is this how the tale must end?
I hate this. Writing about sadness and loneliness. Yet I can't help but write about them because it fills my life each day. Although I tell myself that I need only God's grace, these little thoughts poison my mind, and seek to drive me ever towards looking at myself rather than at others, at God's work.
Lead me back to the right path, give me peace, Lord. I fear I do not have the heart to carry this burden much longer.
This reminds of a line from Dammit by Blink 182 - I guess this is growing up. Perhaps it brings temperance, but I fear the steel may break before the sword can be made strong.
Must teenage life be summed up in that one single word - problems? Girl/guy problems (depending on one's gender). Family problems. School problems. Personal problems. It seems like the life of an adolescent is filled with nothing but troubles.
I've read this quote somewhere - "Happiness makes up in height what it lacks in length." I guess it is true, but what if that happiness only serves to make the sadness more unbearable? What if, in the moments of bliss we realise just how cruel the torment we face is?
God, guide me. Your son here is crying for help. I know not what to do when my logic tells me that this will all pass and to quieten my heart but my emotions compel me to abandon my logic and take that chance - even if I know it leads to suffering.
--Xiang An at 10:44 PM
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Today was epic.
ME was freaking fun! We were supposed to write things for our classmates on ice cream sticks. Although there were some people whom I find hard to write things about (cause it's kind of hard to just pick one :D)
Serene, Lynette, Melle, Kai Ye and Kong Jian all value me for being horny. Great.
Oh well. No one said I have to be famous for something good. x)
Commendation took place yesterday, at St Andrew's Cathedral. It was a really cool event, although a bit.. extreme. Even uniformed groups' stepping ceremonies aren't that synchronised to the point that we sit and stand together. Or maybe it has something to do with the fact that we stand throughout the entire ceremony. Hm.
I slept halfway through the Bishop's speech. And right beside the councillors who sadly couldn't. Mwahahahaha.
After that was lunch with Mr Yit and the SFC teachers at The Food Place at Raffles City. Mr Yit bought us drinks although he was fasting. The teachers left early cause they had to go back to school, so the rest of us walked around Raffles City and Citylink Mall, until it was time to go back for ministry time at SFC.
We stopped for tau huey on the way back. :D
SFC was fun, as usual. More jokes before worship began and during dinner. It's the kind of bonding that I find so familiar - laughing over stupid crap. We also learned more about our Service Learning trip to Nagoya, Batam. I'm kind of excited over it!
The trip costs only $46 tentatively, and my resolution is to fast from canteen food until the trip. Which means, 6 weeks! I'm making exceptions for dinners with SFC.
I'll end up having much more, but I have to start learning to control my spending. Oh well.
This is probably the most extreme I've gone to try and train my mental discipline.
--Xiang An at 9:26 PM
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
I've just about had it with my mother. It's not the fact that I missed my dental appointment and she scolded me for it that pisses me off, it's how she scolds me. For -@#$'s sake, I'm freaking 17 already. I'm sorry I've been delaying my dental appointment so long. But I have other responsibilities to deal with.
I know you're mad at me but do you need to start spouting things like I'm useless and good for nothing? Do you really expect me to change for the better when all you do is tell me I'm a piece of #*(%ing trash? When all you do is remind me how much of a loser I am, that all my friends are so much better than me?
I am so tempted to use the same attitude towards you, to reply to you in the same way you talk to me. But I refuse. I refuse to become you, to sink to your level. "Honour thy parents." Fine, I'll admit I have my faults, but I refuse to admit your way of telling me off is right.
Do you realise how sad this is, when the things tying your son to home are his bed, food and computer? And not you?
I was going to blog about how great my day was but this post totally killed my mood. I shall post about it some other time.
--Xiang An at 9:05 PM
Monday, April 13, 2009
Yellowcard - Fighting
I was listening to this song on my phone on the way back from school. I've had this song for quite a while, but I suddenly drew a lot more meaning from the song.
Sometimes even though I said I'd move on, that I'd leave the past as it is, I just can't help wishing there were things I could've done better, can't help thinking about how things were before I screwed things up so royally.
Sometimes it worsens to a state where I don't even think God can possibly help me out of it. All the troubles just wash over me and I forget that God is always looking out for me like a shepherd after his flock, that it's just a matter of asking for help when I need it. Yet I used to demand that others cater to my needs, instead of wondering if I was the one who needed to change or give way.
I forget this line - that angels are friends celestial, and friends are angels terrestial. God gave us friends, people we can relate to and share our burdens with, so life is a bit more bearable. I've been putting up a strong front, telling everyone I'm okay when I'm not. Ignoring the hands that were reaching out even though I was drowning. All those times I said I was ok although I knew I was lying. And when they finally stop reaching out, when they've given hope on me, I feel so wounded.
What am I fighting for? I have no idea, to be honest. To achieve God's plans for me? Sometimes I don't even know if it's God's plans for me or if it's what I want God's plans for me to be. To make my parents happy? When all I hear from them is how other people's children are doing better, have so much going for them and all I have is nothing? Am I fighting in this arena of life just to prove them wrong? To prove something I don't believe in?
There must be something more.
This sounds like some emo post, but it's not, the last part of the song - Never give up on this. I won't give up so easily. I'll keep going on, keep asking God to light my way, even if I don't see the big picture now, I ask Him to show it me bit by bit.
Said that I'd fight for the One/one that I found,
I'm gonna stay here while I wait for you to come around.
I fight, you're a part of me now,
and I will never give up,
no I'll never give up.
This is probably my favourite part of the song. I'll fight for God (the One), and I'll stay steadfast against all obstacles while His plan for me is slowly carried out, no matter how hopeless the situation might seem.
I'll fight for my friends and everyone who is in need that I find, cause they are all part of my life now. To offer them a helping hand when they're in need and let them know I'm gonna stay here while I wait for them to come around.
Someone's harping on my grammar on my own blog. Sheesh. You know who you are. (And you say you're a saint on MSN! Pffssht.)
--Xiang An at 5:24 PM
Friday, April 10, 2009
I am, You are
I'm the boxer in the ring,
You're the title I can never win.
I'm the guitarist with a simple song,
You're the tune I can never master.
I'm the court jester who brings laughter,
You're the punchline I can never get.
I'm the fool with a wish,
You're the shooting star I can never seem to find.
I'm the man wandering the desert,
You're the oasis I can never reach.
I'm the ship sailing the open seas,
You're the island I can never find.
I'm the boy looking up at the bright blue sky,
You're the star I can never see beyond the Sun's light.
I'll always be searching for you,
But you're the treasure I can never touch.
--Xiang An at 8:52 PM
Warning: I may sound mentally unstable in this post.
"You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before, she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She's not perfect - you aren't either, and the two of you may never be perfect together. But if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break - her heart. So don't hurt her, don't change her, don't analyze and don't expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she's not there."
- Bob Marley.
I read this off Sam's blog (which she took off Celine's). It really struck me because it reminded me of the ghosts of my past. Was I able to do it then? My honest answer is no. I was selfish and immature, I was a sinner.
The bigger question I have to ask is, am I able to do it now? I might have drawn closer to God. I might be trying to change to become a better Christian and a better person, to lead a life pleasing to God. But is what I'm doing enough?
Some people say being a teenager is a blessing, being able to lead your life carefree. Those people are naive. Being a teenager isn't that great at all. It all boils down to the simple fact that we don't have the one things adults do - experience.
Adults can say "I've been through something similar, and I survived then." We can't. I don't have the answers to the questions I ask. I don't have the solutions to the puzzle. I wished I did, but I don't. I'm just a lost boy in a giant maze.
Pastor Andy has always told us that the time will come when God decides the right one for us will enter our lives. I'm cynical, that's just the way I am, but am I ready for it?
The spirit is willing but the body is weak. That just about sums up what I feel about all this.
Someone give me a map to life.
On a lighter note, Hope today was awesome. Despite the fact that I got drenched while carrying an umbrella, and some stupid bus splashed water on me when it passed. God certainly has a sense of humour. Was He thinking "Xiang An thinks his umbrella should keep him wet but his shoes and jeans are getting wet, let me show him how fail his umbrella is?"
I'm not trying to disrespect God. I choose to see life as a comedy, so I like thinking about the irony, even if it does happen to me. After all, life's too short for us to be hung up on the tragedies and tears. Some moments in life I really feel as if God is kid who enjoys playing pranks on us puny little humans, where we are have those epic fail moments but it is just so humorous.
Yet this is the God who gave His one and only Son for us, so what we may be freed from sin. A God who is infinite. The wonderful mystery of the heavens.
I'm having a hard time imagining God as a prankster kid who would sacrifice His Son for us. Hm. Maybe I'm just being random.
--Xiang An at 7:41 PM
Thursday, April 09, 2009
Just got back from an epic day of events.
First up was Sports Day. Despite the high energy level of cheering and each of the houses competing for the top spot, I was... falling asleep. Why? Simple. Watching people run the same damn event all day is BORING. 10x200 relays, each class sends 5 girls to run first then 5 guys.
What's the point.
Someone proclaimed himself the "Running God" but then (according to certain sources) emo-ed when his class didn't get in the finals.
Sports day ended at 11.30, with Venn ranking third.
Met up with the OG at the music cafe and we headed to Kallang Leisure Park to ice skate. We were wandering around looking for the bus to the place when we arrived at Kallang MRT. In the end we just took a darn taxi down. Which cost us each $1.04.
Ice skating was fun. It was my first time, and I only fell once. Okay, it was an epic fall, since I have now sprained my right wrist and my butt (the part where the tailbone is) is sore. Ice is really hard, for those who haven't realised. My butt was literally numb from the impact. (This just sounded totally wrong in my head)
After ice skating I had Fish n Chips at Koufu and then headed down to Trinity@PL for Maundy Thursday Service. Once again, we ended up sitting on the stairs (which did not help the injury on my prosterior.)
It was a really powerful night. Pastor Dom preached that the Gethsemane is not just a place in the Bible, but a place of pain. Jesus suffered the ultimate emotional pain of betrayal there, just so He could understand all the other pains that we go through. To experience that betrayal and still have washed Judas' feet at Passover.
We each have our own Gethsemane, come on, who doesn't? Looking back, there are times where I have been so caught up in my troubles and wondering how to solve them when all I had to do was take maybe half an hour seeking God and asking for enlightenment instead of wasting the day or the week fretting over it.
Funny how the subtle little things in life require such profound wisdom for us to realise.
Took a ride home from Chetwin's dad. Ken went along and Leslie, Samantha and a few others tried pranking him then. We were laughing about it on the car. Especially the comment "Can you ask Chetwin to go away?" when we're in a car. His dad's car, no less.
Epic. Although I would call it stupidity to prank the guy who ranks the highest in the SC. I can imagine Ken getting even after commendation when his power is legislated.
Chetwin was all for a counter-attack by faking a confession. Oh well.
I am so glad that I have a nice soft bed and now the force of my weight (F=mg) is spread over my entire back instead of just my ass, therefore reducing the pressure on the injury site.
--Xiang An at 11:17 PM
Wednesday, April 08, 2009
SFC was awesome today. We had a really meaningful talk about discipleship, about worshipping God out of true love for Him, not just for self-gratification. I guess in some ways that's true for a lot of people, when we're caught up in life there are just times when we forget about the Gospel and just let the frustrations of this world take over our thinking. I am guilty of that, and also of not being bold enough to stand up for what's right sometimes.
Before SFC we had pizza. Jem told me he had videos of me jumping on stage during life con with the ushers when he thought I was the quiet type.
Me. Quiet. That's an oxymoron. Okay, well sometimes I'm quiet.
We were totally high during the song practice for commendation after that. The guys were like dancing and totally going off pitch. Not to mention the fact that we were singing Disney songs after that.
We went to eat at Broadway after SFC. Mr Adi joined us and he was epically freaked out when I told him I had his Elephant Song on my phone and Celine had it on her iPod.
On the way he was telling us how he didn't get why the Chinese burn things for their ancestors. For example:
You burn the cars, but they have no engine! They don't move ANYWHERE. There was an impression of the spirits in hell going "Dude! You idiot! I need the darn engine!"
We burn loads of "money" for our ancestors, but apparent the Chinese don't take econs. We burn like 30million dollars in one shot. That's going to cause HYPERINFLATION. A pear is going to cost like 1 billion dollars in hell or something.
Then we shared some Bible jokes during dinner. Who is the easiest prophet to kill? Ezekiel. Who is the greatest lawbreaker? Moses, cause he broke the Ten Commandments all at once.
Epic lameness.
We went home after that.
I so do not want to go home immediately after Sports Day tomorrow. Guys from 09S08, tell me we're going to play L4D or something please.
--Xiang An at 9:02 PM
Tuesday, April 07, 2009
Emo streak coming up.
I can hear your sweet singing,
Even when the thunder roars loud
I can see your face shining with beauty,
An angel standing amongst the crowd.
Do you hear me?
Do you see me?
Am I just another voice in the background?
Is my face just another in the crowd?
I am in the dark beside you,
Silent guardian at your window
I can only watch from afar
Even when we're close it seems like we're miles apart.
Do you see me out there in the shadows?
Do you know I'm out there watching?
Do you see me from far away?
Do you know that I love you?
So much that it hurts,
So much that I could die.
Bleh. Xiang An is emo again.
Loading Cheerful_Xiang_An.exe...
Loading complete.
Okay, just watched the whole video of Mr Adi playing the song he wrote for the girl. It's really awesome! I wish I could come up with a song like that. Even if I'm not the type of guy that has the guts to play it for that certain girl if I did.
Ironically, it's called the Elephant Song.
I totally do not get the Maths Lecture today. The lecturer totally confuses me by skipping steps that would help me see the LINK from A to C. Which is to say, point B. But no, she has to skip stations, going from Jurong East Interchange to Choa Chu Kang without stopping the train at Bt Batok and Bt Gombak.
Change lecturers please.
Chemistry is okay, I got it once Ms Low went through the tutorial in class.
And I have to remember to bring my shoebag home when I leave it in the locker. It's been a 100% rate of forgetting to take it out on the way home on the day itself.
I think I'm getting Alzheimer's.
--Xiang An at 8:55 PM
PW is boring, and I have no idea how to fill up the stupid template in 500 words.
And I just found out how to use Facebook in the com lab and in school even when they've blocked it. It's so ingenious and simple at the same time. What an evil genius I am. Muahahaha.
Mr Adi's blog is epic. It's really retarded and funny, and I'm having loads of fun reading the posts. It goes from emo to really random. I wonder why is he teaching when he should be a comedian.
--Xiang An at 12:49 PM
Monday, April 06, 2009
Okay, so we got the new concession cards today, which was EPIC. All of us had only primary school photos! Apparently, none of our secondary school teachers bothered to update our photos (while all lecturing us about doing everything we're supposed to!), so basically I'm stuck with my primary ONE photo. That's right. Primary one. Back when I still looked like an innocent little boy.
Which obviously is the on the other side of the universe when compared to the present me!
Life's been having it's ups and downs, but isn't that what life is about? I'm just really grateful that I've gotten to know some really great friends, whom I can just totally be natural and have retarded fun with (which is a really rare chance when you graduate from an all boys' school to a mixed school!) Friends who can really listen to what I have to say and not judge me, but rather help me understand things from other perspectives. I'm grateful for that much in my life at least.
Although not everyone I know is like that. My class for example, is still kind of clique-ish. Not the guys, although there are times when they do get on my nerves (you guys are seriously more corrupted than I am, and stop calling me horny in class!), although I find that sometimes the girls (some of the guys as well) can be quite exclusive when we sit as a class during breaks, or choose to sit elsewhere.
I know some people will hate me for the above comment, but hey, it's just my opinion. Feel free to have your own.
I guess this is something I'll have to get used to, since I come from an all guys' school where an entire class of 35 people can really get along and crack jokes, even if it's at each other and no one gets pissed. Most of the time anyway. A school where we are brothers to each other.
I guess in some aspects I wish I were still studying in SJI, although there are new friends I've made in SA that really make my life fun and enjoyable, namely the guys from 09S08, OG6 and SFC :)
--Xiang An at 9:51 PM
Saturday, April 04, 2009
Life con was a blast! The whole process was fun, the preparations in the afternoon, ushering and jumping along with the songs at night during the concert and camwhoring with everyone after the concert.
I could see saints in the first few rows jumping and dancing along with the dancers and band, and all the ushers were at the back praying for the hearts to be moved and people to stand up for Christ. Whatever the response was, we decided not to be too disappointed with it as ultimately God has to reign sovereign. There were the good points that came out of the concert too, Christians rededicating their lives to God and non-Christians entering into His kingdom.
I guess all we have to do now is come back with a vengeance for Life Con 2010! :D
And the preparations were really funny. Mr Adi saw that the dancers had glitter in their hair and he said "I want glitter in my hair too!" in a really kiddy tone. That was hilarious. Not to mention all our lame comments during preparations.
All in all, I enjoyed myself, even if I did reach home at midnight and was ready to drop dead.
The J2s!
The Dancers! :D
Celine and me! hahaha
Pearl and me.
School was fun too. Mr Adi revealed he found our blogs and since he read that some ppl ponned school, from now on he would call our parents if we took an MC. Then we were all commenting on how we would make our blog posts really stupid, like inserting his name in a chunk of Chinese words so he would be guessing what we were saying.
I guess I don't really feel that shocked or awkward. After all, as he said, all he wants to do is get to know about our daily lives better so he can reach out to us before we decide to commit suicide one day.
--Xiang An at 1:01 PM
Thursday, April 02, 2009
So I helped out in the control room for chapel today. I basically had a sneak preview of the chapel videos ahead of the JC1s >) I saw shub's answer to "What is fulfiment to you" and Dom blocking the camera cause he didn't want to answer. Apparently ALL the girls were to shy to answer so the video shows only guys. That is just sad.
A Pastor Timothy Chow is preaching for chapel, though I'm not sure which church he's from. The wireless mic he was using was dying out on low batteries but thankfully they didn't give out till he finished his sermon. Thank God.
Ms K came in halfway through preparations, just to bitch at ME cause I happen to be the only SFC member in the room. It's okay, I'm used to tanking scoldings for no apparent reason at all (as some scouts will know, is prone to happen :D). And cause one of the mentors left a cup of water in the room when there are no liquids allowed in there.
I just happen to have an unlucky streak - the day before I was the one that she arrowed to go erase the whiteboard as I was the ONLY one walking out of class from the front door (stupid idea.) Guess what made it better? The fact that we wrote stupid stuff on the board in PERMANENT marker like "Look here" and "Free Period".
It was April Fool's, but the permanent marker was an accident. Lynette and the girls tried to pull one on Mr Yuen by fainting but it failed epically. Which was expected. The fainting prank is used way too often and besides, everyone was laughing even BEFORE the fainting began.
Oh well, there's still next year.
And I'm so looking forward to Life Concert tomorrow. To the uninformed, it's an evangelistic concert held in SAJC. This year's them is fulfilment, simply put: that there is only one true source of eternal fulfilment, and that is God.
Mr Adi apparently has a phobia of the amplifiers cause they are about twice his height.
I have no idea why some people think evangelistic events are hard to get people to open up to Christ, but hey, that's just me. Anyway, I'm hoping that there will be hearts that will be opened tomorrow. We'll just wait and see.
Like Jem said during our SFC meeting: While in all the hectic mess of preparations, we shouldn't lose focus of our goal: to glorify the Lord and that at the end of the day we can do nothing without His blessing.
Just hoping tomorrow will be an epic success.
--Xiang An at 10:06 PM
I ponned school so I could stay at home and hang out with my dear Stephanie. She's so awesome and sexy, I can't keep my hands off her.
Yesterday was an awesome day, as usual. We went to United Square for dinner after SFC. I had Pepper Lunch Express AND Subway. Hahaha. Although I sacrificed my Udders ice cream. But who cares? There's always time to enjoy it later.
We were coming up with really random flavours for the ice cream suggestions. Mr Adi suggested Ham, then I said Fried Chicken, then it went on to vegetables - spinach, kang kong! hahaha. Then Mr Adi said he knew of a flavour they would never pull off - Ice cream. Which is kinda ironic. "I want the ice cream flavoured ice cream please."
Then Mr Adi commented that he would do this kind of stupid crap to his children if he had any. He'd name them What's His Name and What's Her Name, just to cause a lot of confusion. "Can you call What's His Name to come for detention?" "Who?" "What's His Name." "Who?" xD That's a genius idea. I want to do that!
I wonder if Mr Adi is going to read this and actually believe what I said in the first line. I'm not actually referring to a girl (Stephanie is the name of my Epiphone SG). But I really am sick. hahaha.
--Xiang An at 8:55 AM
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Today's chaplain hour was awesome. Pastor Jaslyn came to talk to us about sin and temptation. None of us can truly say we haven't sinned, none of us can truly say we have never given in to temptation. The wonderful thing is that God's boundless love covers all our transgressions, that He forgives all our sins if we just ask and repent.
I guess this really helps me a lot, seeing as how I'm trying to change a lot of things in my life. The temptations to stop those efforts are great. Who said change was easy? I must fight on!
And I still think Pearl is a jinx. Hahaha.
Watched the rugby match after that, SA won, as expected! I got to meet up with Sean, Soo and Shaun again after a long time! It's been a long time since I've talked to any of the 433 guys, but we're going out to watch Wolverine this Friday! Can't wait. It's going to be so fun - getting to really have all our retarded jokes and doing all the stupid crap we do (since of course, we're all guys and we don't have to watch ourselves that much if girls aren't around! :D)
--Xiang An at 10:05 PM
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Informal cell with Abel today. He really gave me some advice that helped. I guess God does give us the words of encouragement we need. All we have to do is ask. The reply may come in the form of words from a friend or a bible verse, but hey, what's the difference? It's still God's Word. All we have to do is listen.
Which was what Pastor Gary (who came from the US) preached to us today. That we have to be willing to listen to God's Will for ourselves and trust in Him. Then I read a few pages from Wisdom for the Way and this page really struck out to me:
Helen Roseveare was a British medical missionary in the Congo years ago during an uprising. Her faith was strong and her trust was confident, yet she was raped and assaulted and treated brutally. Commenting later, she said: "I must ask myself a question as if it came directly from the Lord. "Can you thank Me for trusting you with this experience even if I never tell you why?"
I guess it's hard sometimes to understand why God allows tragedy to take place in our lives. Some people don't understand how could a God that claims He will prosper us and not harm us allow them to go through such difficult trials. Even I ask that question sometimes. Then I ask myself this: When did God ever say it was going to be easy? When did He say that our path to prosperity and eternal happiness was going to be smooth sailing?
The honest answer is that He didn't. God never said things would be easy, in fact, it is said in the bible that trials would come our way.
I believe this passage has summed things up pretty well. In order to grow in God and be complete in Him, we have to go through trials, our faith has to be tested and perseverance must finish its work.
So while the road ahead maybe tough, all we need is to place our trust in God, ask Him for guidance and to walk with us. This is something I have to keep doing as well. The road ahead is tough for me, there are things I'm trying to change in my life, and they won't come easy. I'm just praying that God will be there to guide me and to keep me strong when I'm weak.
--Xiang An at 9:45 PM
Saturday, April 25, 2009
I'm hungry and pissed off. My parents went out again without asking me. Just cause I was using the computer. Sigh.
Cooped up at home all day, which really sucks.
Where are all my bros from 433? It's like we don't have time to hang out anymore, I really miss our pool and movie outings. Not to mention the lame jokes we had with each other!
I can't be going out with groups including girls all the time! I miss the rowdy fun we had in SJI! The no-holding-back craziness we had cause we didn't have to watch ourselves around girls.
If any of you are reading this, LET'S GO MERIDIEN AND CATHAY SOON! Haha.
This is a fail attempt at being cheerful. I'm trying not to be emo but it's so darn hard not to be when all I do is piss people off all the time. A lot of work needs to be done about watching what you say, Xiang An.
And oh dear, I can't believe I just saw her photo. It just charmed me even more and I swore to let it go. Sigh.
--Xiang An at 7:23 PM
Friday, April 24, 2009
Jem dropped a
Basically, I just did 4 posts on my DE blog. Which means, this is my 5th blog post in ONE HOUR.
And apparently the mentors found my blog and have read it. Yet no one's tagged. I view this as being stalker-ish, but perhaps it's time to change that view xD
Today was fun! We had PW consultation from 1030 to 130, cause Mr Adi was free and he converted our Math tutorial to PW. And we were doing it in the air-conditioned comfort of the library.
Priscilla was freaking out cause her redone PI was totally shot down, so she was trying to churn out a different one entirely within that time period. I came up with Blood Donation and we went along with it, coming up with ideas as a class in the discussion room.
Which brings me to another point: there is a PW exhibition in the library, and seniors can share with us about PW in there, but we CAN'T discuss PW unless we're in the discussion room. Someone comprehending the logic here?
I left at 12.30 to meet Benedict, Celine and Rachel for lunch at the cafe. Rachel left to go to the mentors' room, but the remaining 3 of us were talking in the cafe. Lots of random crap came up. Especially my MSN conversation with Celine last night, where she pointed me to the article on boundless "What Guys Wish You Knew"
I pointed out that I was a guy, and hence, those were the things I wished girls knew, and that the article wasn't for me. So she pointed me to the article "What Girls Wish You Knew". I should've kept my mouth shut. What I read totally broke my heart.
Apparently, girls expect guys to have plans for marriage, something I certainly will not be doing any time in my life. One of me is bad enough. Ask my parents. They have to put up with my lameness and cynical humour. I'm not going to inflict that on the girl I love. Hahaha.
And imagine me instilling my ideas into my kids. "Now, kids, remember, this fairytale about Pinochio is stupid. Telling lies is wrong, but not because it makes your nose grow longer. And if I ever get lost, you will not get eaten by a whale searching for me. Just call the police. This is a stupid story. Who wants to watch Underworld?"
Then Benedict asked me what my plans are for the future and I said "stay single", which drew a funny look from Celine.
My stupid random comments aside, I have no idea if I'm ready for such a thing yet. Like Celine said, now is the time where I work on it if I feel I'm not ready for such responsibility. (Although she will not be hearing me say I plan to become a Godly husband anytime soon. NEVER!)
I guess I just have to work on things slowly, and ask God to guide me along this journey of my life and to reveal His plans for me. The daunting question I have is whether I'm ready to make that leap of faith and change.
--Xiang An at 9:58 PM
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Mr Adi is the best ST ever. His comments really helped me get my PI going. No more stupid ideas. I'm going to start a revolution!
Okay, maybe not, but definitely a better PI than it was. Now that I mention it, I should've thought of those ideas sooner.
It's really amazing how viewing things from another perspective leads to new insights.
We had a straight 2 hour break after assembly. Awesome. Apparently Mr Yuen didn't come and there was no relief teacher. Mwahahaha. My poison worked. Nah, I don't poison teachers.
ME was... retarded-ly fun. We went around greeting teachers and staff to start a habit of being courteous? Some really weird "21 days to stick to a good habit" thing.
--Xiang An at 7:52 PM
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Today officially starts off our 30 day discipleship experiment for SFC! I'm really excited about it, to really reflect on my own time spent in school, whether I'm honouring God through my actions and character.
I have to admit that I'm not perfect. Who can? The DE has really given me a chance to really look back on my life in SA so far and ponder if there is anything I can change to be a better person, a better Christian, to grow closer to God and to lead a life pleasing to Him. Today the point was brought up that although being strong in faith may bring people closer to you, it also makes enemies.
I guess it's true. Cynicism is the way of the world, after all. In a world where it's every man (or woman) for himself (or herself), maybe people don't believe that there are people out there who can really love their neighbours as themselves.
That's another challenge for me: to love others as myself. I tend to form first impressions of people based on the way they act and how they talk. There are some people that I really cannot find myself associating with based on the way they are. I'm not judging them, or condemning them per se, I just don't find myself being able to tolerate their behaviour if I'm in their midst.
This was one of the points I brought up myself: to tolerate their faults. Isn't that what we wish for ourselves? That our faults can be ignored by those around us and even ourselves? Nobody's perfect, just as we crave for others to accept us as our imperfect selves, we should do the same to others - accept them for who they ARE, not who they should be.
Of course, that doesn't mean totally ignoring their wrongdoings. If a friend makes a mistake or sins against God, we should rebuke them in love, another trait I believe qualifies loving others as we would ourselves. Not scolding them, but talking to them, a peer to another, as a friend, that what they're doing is wrong and speaks poorly of them, that they should try to correct it. Admittedly, some people are just too stubborn to admit their mistakes. A little faith works wonders though.
--Xiang An at 9:47 PM
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Nothing much happened today, until after school where I met up with Benedict, Pearl and Celine to study at the library. We talked for a while at the cafe while waiting for Celine to come back from her tau huey outing with her class. There was just some really funny crap going on during the conversations.
Things you would do to see it last.
An example to analyse and learn from it,
Within five hundred words must be complete.
I hate PW.
PW is ridiculous. It's getting tougher by the minute to express all my ideas in five hundred words. Sigh. It's not even about being succinct, I can't express the important points AND make it clear to the reader within that word limit.
Until Mr Adi taught us how to abuse annexes. Trying to get that done now, and get his opinion tomorrow.
--Xiang An at 7:40 PM
Monday, April 20, 2009
Today was kinda fun, not your usual "Crap I end at 4pm" Monday.
Went for dunch(or linner?) with the guys at KFC. We were all trying to convince Leslie to join us instead of going to Broadway (again). Sarah and Pris came to find us but decided to eat mac's instead. Lynnette and Serene came after them and went to mac's as well.
Melle asked the lady at the counter for a fork in Chinese and it sounded really wrong. Kai Ye, Kong Jian and I were laughing when we heard it. We continued joking about it throughout the meal. Funnily, I ate the fastest despite having the largest portion, since I was eating lunch and dinner. And maybe supper.
We headed back to school for Earthbound after. It was quite informative, albeit boring (it was more of a lecture kind of thing than an interactive talk). It ended at 7pm and we all went our separate ways home after.
Today is possibly the first day I managed to stay awake in Chem Lecture the whole time AND managed to understand everything that was mentioned.
So darn tired. My mum is in a bad mood thanks to her not being able to find some stupid thing, and that the toilet is all wet despite her just having changed the floor mat. So basically, she's ranting at the top of her lungs through the house and I'm the (most) targeted victim.
Any mess that is created is instantly my fault. Gee. Thanks.
--Xiang An at 9:49 PM
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Those flying ants are annoying. I wish I was a Jedi (or Sith Lord), then I could do my Plan A and Plan B.
Plan A:
Step 1: Turn off all lights in the house.
Step 2: Activate Lightsaber
Plan B:
Step 1: Put on a pair of (disposable) gloves.
Step 2: Force Pull all the flying ants to one hand.
Step 3: Clap.
Step 4: Remove gloves.
Step 5: Wash, rinse, repeat.
--Xiang An at 7:53 PM
It's funny how God enlightens each of us in our troubles. Today's cell seemed like it was specifically aimed at me, talking about how Daniel was a man of God, about his integrity and confidence in his relationship with God. Despite the temptations and difficulties he faced, he never abandoned his faith in the Lord and kept worshipping Him.
Life in JC hasn't been easy, but the past week seemed just a bit harder, the temptations to just be inward looking instead of focusing on God too great. But today's cell really renewed my faith today, really motivated me to strive to be closer to God, and to walk away from temptation. I've comfort in know that He walks with me, there to guide me and keep me strong when I'm weak.
Service was meaningful, as usual. We were talking about ministry, about giving up our "treasures" for God, and giving our time and talents to him. It really fired up my desire to serve God more in church, and I signed up as an IGNYTE host. No idea how that's going to turn out though.
I guess it's also time to start learning how to play some worship songs, seeing as how I'll have lead morning worship in school soon when the J1s step up in SFC.
Lord open my eyes,
You called me to people I can't reach,
Lord stir within me.
A hunger
to see Your kingdom come,
A passion
for Your will to be done.
Give me a heart for this generation,
Set me apart for Your great commission,
And I will go,
Wherever You lead I will follow,
And I have counted the cost,
I will carry the cross.
So take my hands,
All the I have they are Yours,
And You have laid out my course,
I will live for this cause.
Heaven and Earth will pass away
But Jesus You're eternal
The greatest of kings will fall one day
But Your glory's forever
All Your creation will bow to You
The time will come for all to see
God You reign.
Give me a heart for this generation,
Set me apart for Your great commission,
And I will go,
Wherever You lead I will follow,
And I have counted the cost,
I will carry the cross.
So take my hands,
All the I have they are Yours,
And You have laid out my course,
I will live for this cause.
No turning back
No turning back
And I will follow
No turning back
No turning back
And I will carry the cross
No turning back
No turning back
No turning back
And I will live for this cause.
No turning back
No turning back
No turning back
And I will go,
Wherever You lead I will follow,
And I have counted the cost,
I will carry the cross.
So take my hands,
All the I have they are Yours,
And You have laid out my course,
I will live for this cause.
And I will go,
Wherever You lead I will follow,
And I have counted the cost,
I will carry the cross.
So take my hands,
All the I have they are Yours,
And You have laid out my course,
I will live for this cause.
--Xiang An at 4:10 PM
Saturday, April 18, 2009
To ask if you'd pour some sugar on me?
In the name of love,
I can't get enough.
I'm hot, sticky sweet,
From my head to my feet.
Just come and have a little taste,
Don't let this fun go to waste.
It's okay to tell me,
What you think about me,
I don't need you to tell me,
You must think I'm crazy.
And it's happened once again,
I'm the random crazy friend,
The one that's without a master plan,
Who's writing a poem you don't understand.
Maybe I'll see you,
At a movie sneak preview,
You show up and walk by,
Then I'll poke you in the eye.
Listening to rock songs on my computer. And I'm feeling really random. Bleh. The kind of stuff a guy can come up with when he's really bored and hungry and his internet connection is offline (from his dad locking up the power to the modem.)
Maybe I should annoy them by playing Barney songs. Too bad they don't know about HSM to be annoyed if I should play it. Darn.
HSM is sad. The only use for it's music is to annoy everyone else. Epic fail.
--Xiang An at 8:18 PM
Friday, April 17, 2009
My true feelings for you never laid bare.
You see us as no more than friends,
Yet I hope it's not how the story ends.
I feel all my troubles vanish with your smile,
Yet the dreams lasts but a while.
I'm so afraid of what this may cost;
To let you know may spell our friendship lost.
I see you laughing with others around you,
Inside I cry at the things I can never do;
Hitherto I shall come, but no further,
To be a friend, not a lover.
You look at me with loving eyes,
But it chills my heart like ice.
I know that love is no more than a friend's,
Is this how the tale must end?
I hate this. Writing about sadness and loneliness. Yet I can't help but write about them because it fills my life each day. Although I tell myself that I need only God's grace, these little thoughts poison my mind, and seek to drive me ever towards looking at myself rather than at others, at God's work.
Lead me back to the right path, give me peace, Lord. I fear I do not have the heart to carry this burden much longer.
This reminds of a line from Dammit by Blink 182 - I guess this is growing up. Perhaps it brings temperance, but I fear the steel may break before the sword can be made strong.
Must teenage life be summed up in that one single word - problems? Girl/guy problems (depending on one's gender). Family problems. School problems. Personal problems. It seems like the life of an adolescent is filled with nothing but troubles.
I've read this quote somewhere - "Happiness makes up in height what it lacks in length." I guess it is true, but what if that happiness only serves to make the sadness more unbearable? What if, in the moments of bliss we realise just how cruel the torment we face is?
God, guide me. Your son here is crying for help. I know not what to do when my logic tells me that this will all pass and to quieten my heart but my emotions compel me to abandon my logic and take that chance - even if I know it leads to suffering.
--Xiang An at 10:44 PM
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Today was epic.
ME was freaking fun! We were supposed to write things for our classmates on ice cream sticks. Although there were some people whom I find hard to write things about (cause it's kind of hard to just pick one :D)
Serene, Lynette, Melle, Kai Ye and Kong Jian all value me for being horny. Great.
Oh well. No one said I have to be famous for something good. x)
Commendation took place yesterday, at St Andrew's Cathedral. It was a really cool event, although a bit.. extreme. Even uniformed groups' stepping ceremonies aren't that synchronised to the point that we sit and stand together. Or maybe it has something to do with the fact that we stand throughout the entire ceremony. Hm.
I slept halfway through the Bishop's speech. And right beside the councillors who sadly couldn't. Mwahahahaha.
After that was lunch with Mr Yit and the SFC teachers at The Food Place at Raffles City. Mr Yit bought us drinks although he was fasting. The teachers left early cause they had to go back to school, so the rest of us walked around Raffles City and Citylink Mall, until it was time to go back for ministry time at SFC.
We stopped for tau huey on the way back. :D
SFC was fun, as usual. More jokes before worship began and during dinner. It's the kind of bonding that I find so familiar - laughing over stupid crap. We also learned more about our Service Learning trip to Nagoya, Batam. I'm kind of excited over it!
The trip costs only $46 tentatively, and my resolution is to fast from canteen food until the trip. Which means, 6 weeks! I'm making exceptions for dinners with SFC.
I'll end up having much more, but I have to start learning to control my spending. Oh well.
This is probably the most extreme I've gone to try and train my mental discipline.
--Xiang An at 9:26 PM
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
I've just about had it with my mother. It's not the fact that I missed my dental appointment and she scolded me for it that pisses me off, it's how she scolds me. For -@#$'s sake, I'm freaking 17 already. I'm sorry I've been delaying my dental appointment so long. But I have other responsibilities to deal with.
I know you're mad at me but do you need to start spouting things like I'm useless and good for nothing? Do you really expect me to change for the better when all you do is tell me I'm a piece of #*(%ing trash? When all you do is remind me how much of a loser I am, that all my friends are so much better than me?
I am so tempted to use the same attitude towards you, to reply to you in the same way you talk to me. But I refuse. I refuse to become you, to sink to your level. "Honour thy parents." Fine, I'll admit I have my faults, but I refuse to admit your way of telling me off is right.
Do you realise how sad this is, when the things tying your son to home are his bed, food and computer? And not you?
I was going to blog about how great my day was but this post totally killed my mood. I shall post about it some other time.
--Xiang An at 9:05 PM
Monday, April 13, 2009
Yellowcard - Fighting
I was listening to this song on my phone on the way back from school. I've had this song for quite a while, but I suddenly drew a lot more meaning from the song.
Sometimes even though I said I'd move on, that I'd leave the past as it is, I just can't help wishing there were things I could've done better, can't help thinking about how things were before I screwed things up so royally.
Sometimes it worsens to a state where I don't even think God can possibly help me out of it. All the troubles just wash over me and I forget that God is always looking out for me like a shepherd after his flock, that it's just a matter of asking for help when I need it. Yet I used to demand that others cater to my needs, instead of wondering if I was the one who needed to change or give way.
I forget this line - that angels are friends celestial, and friends are angels terrestial. God gave us friends, people we can relate to and share our burdens with, so life is a bit more bearable. I've been putting up a strong front, telling everyone I'm okay when I'm not. Ignoring the hands that were reaching out even though I was drowning. All those times I said I was ok although I knew I was lying. And when they finally stop reaching out, when they've given hope on me, I feel so wounded.
What am I fighting for? I have no idea, to be honest. To achieve God's plans for me? Sometimes I don't even know if it's God's plans for me or if it's what I want God's plans for me to be. To make my parents happy? When all I hear from them is how other people's children are doing better, have so much going for them and all I have is nothing? Am I fighting in this arena of life just to prove them wrong? To prove something I don't believe in?
There must be something more.
This sounds like some emo post, but it's not, the last part of the song - Never give up on this. I won't give up so easily. I'll keep going on, keep asking God to light my way, even if I don't see the big picture now, I ask Him to show it me bit by bit.
Said that I'd fight for the One/one that I found,
I'm gonna stay here while I wait for you to come around.
I fight, you're a part of me now,
and I will never give up,
no I'll never give up.
This is probably my favourite part of the song. I'll fight for God (the One), and I'll stay steadfast against all obstacles while His plan for me is slowly carried out, no matter how hopeless the situation might seem.
I'll fight for my friends and everyone who is in need that I find, cause they are all part of my life now. To offer them a helping hand when they're in need and let them know I'm gonna stay here while I wait for them to come around.
Someone's harping on my grammar on my own blog. Sheesh. You know who you are. (And you say you're a saint on MSN! Pffssht.)
--Xiang An at 5:24 PM
Friday, April 10, 2009
I'm the boxer in the ring,
You're the title I can never win.
I'm the guitarist with a simple song,
You're the tune I can never master.
I'm the court jester who brings laughter,
You're the punchline I can never get.
I'm the fool with a wish,
You're the shooting star I can never seem to find.
I'm the man wandering the desert,
You're the oasis I can never reach.
I'm the ship sailing the open seas,
You're the island I can never find.
I'm the boy looking up at the bright blue sky,
You're the star I can never see beyond the Sun's light.
I'll always be searching for you,
But you're the treasure I can never touch.
--Xiang An at 8:52 PM
"You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before, she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She's not perfect - you aren't either, and the two of you may never be perfect together. But if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break - her heart. So don't hurt her, don't change her, don't analyze and don't expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she's not there."
- Bob Marley.
I read this off Sam's blog (which she took off Celine's). It really struck me because it reminded me of the ghosts of my past. Was I able to do it then? My honest answer is no. I was selfish and immature, I was a sinner.
The bigger question I have to ask is, am I able to do it now? I might have drawn closer to God. I might be trying to change to become a better Christian and a better person, to lead a life pleasing to God. But is what I'm doing enough?
Some people say being a teenager is a blessing, being able to lead your life carefree. Those people are naive. Being a teenager isn't that great at all. It all boils down to the simple fact that we don't have the one things adults do - experience.
Adults can say "I've been through something similar, and I survived then." We can't. I don't have the answers to the questions I ask. I don't have the solutions to the puzzle. I wished I did, but I don't. I'm just a lost boy in a giant maze.
Pastor Andy has always told us that the time will come when God decides the right one for us will enter our lives. I'm cynical, that's just the way I am, but am I ready for it?
The spirit is willing but the body is weak. That just about sums up what I feel about all this.
Someone give me a map to life.
On a lighter note, Hope today was awesome. Despite the fact that I got drenched while carrying an umbrella, and some stupid bus splashed water on me when it passed. God certainly has a sense of humour. Was He thinking "Xiang An thinks his umbrella should keep him wet but his shoes and jeans are getting wet, let me show him how fail his umbrella is?"
I'm not trying to disrespect God. I choose to see life as a comedy, so I like thinking about the irony, even if it does happen to me. After all, life's too short for us to be hung up on the tragedies and tears. Some moments in life I really feel as if God is kid who enjoys playing pranks on us puny little humans, where we are have those epic fail moments but it is just so humorous.
Yet this is the God who gave His one and only Son for us, so what we may be freed from sin. A God who is infinite. The wonderful mystery of the heavens.
I'm having a hard time imagining God as a prankster kid who would sacrifice His Son for us. Hm. Maybe I'm just being random.
--Xiang An at 7:41 PM
Thursday, April 09, 2009
Just got back from an epic day of events.
First up was Sports Day. Despite the high energy level of cheering and each of the houses competing for the top spot, I was... falling asleep. Why? Simple. Watching people run the same damn event all day is BORING. 10x200 relays, each class sends 5 girls to run first then 5 guys.
What's the point.
Someone proclaimed himself the "Running God" but then (according to certain sources) emo-ed when his class didn't get in the finals.
Sports day ended at 11.30, with Venn ranking third.
Met up with the OG at the music cafe and we headed to Kallang Leisure Park to ice skate. We were wandering around looking for the bus to the place when we arrived at Kallang MRT. In the end we just took a darn taxi down. Which cost us each $1.04.
Ice skating was fun. It was my first time, and I only fell once. Okay, it was an epic fall, since I have now sprained my right wrist and my butt (the part where the tailbone is) is sore. Ice is really hard, for those who haven't realised. My butt was literally numb from the impact. (This just sounded totally wrong in my head)
After ice skating I had Fish n Chips at Koufu and then headed down to Trinity@PL for Maundy Thursday Service. Once again, we ended up sitting on the stairs (which did not help the injury on my prosterior.)
It was a really powerful night. Pastor Dom preached that the Gethsemane is not just a place in the Bible, but a place of pain. Jesus suffered the ultimate emotional pain of betrayal there, just so He could understand all the other pains that we go through. To experience that betrayal and still have washed Judas' feet at Passover.
We each have our own Gethsemane, come on, who doesn't? Looking back, there are times where I have been so caught up in my troubles and wondering how to solve them when all I had to do was take maybe half an hour seeking God and asking for enlightenment instead of wasting the day or the week fretting over it.
Funny how the subtle little things in life require such profound wisdom for us to realise.
Took a ride home from Chetwin's dad. Ken went along and Leslie, Samantha and a few others tried pranking him then. We were laughing about it on the car. Especially the comment "Can you ask Chetwin to go away?" when we're in a car. His dad's car, no less.
Epic. Although I would call it stupidity to prank the guy who ranks the highest in the SC. I can imagine Ken getting even after commendation when his power is legislated.
Chetwin was all for a counter-attack by faking a confession. Oh well.
I am so glad that I have a nice soft bed and now the force of my weight (F=mg) is spread over my entire back instead of just my ass, therefore reducing the pressure on the injury site.
--Xiang An at 11:17 PM
Wednesday, April 08, 2009
SFC was awesome today. We had a really meaningful talk about discipleship, about worshipping God out of true love for Him, not just for self-gratification. I guess in some ways that's true for a lot of people, when we're caught up in life there are just times when we forget about the Gospel and just let the frustrations of this world take over our thinking. I am guilty of that, and also of not being bold enough to stand up for what's right sometimes.
Before SFC we had pizza. Jem told me he had videos of me jumping on stage during life con with the ushers when he thought I was the quiet type.
Me. Quiet. That's an oxymoron. Okay, well sometimes I'm quiet.
We were totally high during the song practice for commendation after that. The guys were like dancing and totally going off pitch. Not to mention the fact that we were singing Disney songs after that.
We went to eat at Broadway after SFC. Mr Adi joined us and he was epically freaked out when I told him I had his Elephant Song on my phone and Celine had it on her iPod.
On the way he was telling us how he didn't get why the Chinese burn things for their ancestors. For example:
You burn the cars, but they have no engine! They don't move ANYWHERE. There was an impression of the spirits in hell going "Dude! You idiot! I need the darn engine!"
We burn loads of "money" for our ancestors, but apparent the Chinese don't take econs. We burn like 30million dollars in one shot. That's going to cause HYPERINFLATION. A pear is going to cost like 1 billion dollars in hell or something.
Then we shared some Bible jokes during dinner. Who is the easiest prophet to kill? Ezekiel. Who is the greatest lawbreaker? Moses, cause he broke the Ten Commandments all at once.
Epic lameness.
We went home after that.
I so do not want to go home immediately after Sports Day tomorrow. Guys from 09S08, tell me we're going to play L4D or something please.
--Xiang An at 9:02 PM
Tuesday, April 07, 2009
Emo streak coming up.
Even when the thunder roars loud
I can see your face shining with beauty,
An angel standing amongst the crowd.
Do you hear me?
Do you see me?
Am I just another voice in the background?
Is my face just another in the crowd?
I am in the dark beside you,
Silent guardian at your window
I can only watch from afar
Even when we're close it seems like we're miles apart.
Do you see me out there in the shadows?
Do you know I'm out there watching?
Do you see me from far away?
Do you know that I love you?
So much that it hurts,
So much that I could die.
Bleh. Xiang An is emo again.
Loading Cheerful_Xiang_An.exe...
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Okay, just watched the whole video of Mr Adi playing the song he wrote for the girl. It's really awesome! I wish I could come up with a song like that. Even if I'm not the type of guy that has the guts to play it for that certain girl if I did.
Ironically, it's called the Elephant Song.
I totally do not get the Maths Lecture today. The lecturer totally confuses me by skipping steps that would help me see the LINK from A to C. Which is to say, point B. But no, she has to skip stations, going from Jurong East Interchange to Choa Chu Kang without stopping the train at Bt Batok and Bt Gombak.
Change lecturers please.
Chemistry is okay, I got it once Ms Low went through the tutorial in class.
And I have to remember to bring my shoebag home when I leave it in the locker. It's been a 100% rate of forgetting to take it out on the way home on the day itself.
I think I'm getting Alzheimer's.
--Xiang An at 8:55 PM
PW is boring, and I have no idea how to fill up the stupid template in 500 words.
And I just found out how to use Facebook in the com lab and in school even when they've blocked it. It's so ingenious and simple at the same time. What an evil genius I am. Muahahaha.
Mr Adi's blog is epic. It's really retarded and funny, and I'm having loads of fun reading the posts. It goes from emo to really random. I wonder why is he teaching when he should be a comedian.
--Xiang An at 12:49 PM
Monday, April 06, 2009
Okay, so we got the new concession cards today, which was EPIC. All of us had only primary school photos! Apparently, none of our secondary school teachers bothered to update our photos (while all lecturing us about doing everything we're supposed to!), so basically I'm stuck with my primary ONE photo. That's right. Primary one. Back when I still looked like an innocent little boy.
Which obviously is the on the other side of the universe when compared to the present me!
Life's been having it's ups and downs, but isn't that what life is about? I'm just really grateful that I've gotten to know some really great friends, whom I can just totally be natural and have retarded fun with (which is a really rare chance when you graduate from an all boys' school to a mixed school!) Friends who can really listen to what I have to say and not judge me, but rather help me understand things from other perspectives. I'm grateful for that much in my life at least.
Although not everyone I know is like that. My class for example, is still kind of clique-ish. Not the guys, although there are times when they do get on my nerves (you guys are seriously more corrupted than I am, and stop calling me horny in class!), although I find that sometimes the girls (some of the guys as well) can be quite exclusive when we sit as a class during breaks, or choose to sit elsewhere.
I know some people will hate me for the above comment, but hey, it's just my opinion. Feel free to have your own.
I guess this is something I'll have to get used to, since I come from an all guys' school where an entire class of 35 people can really get along and crack jokes, even if it's at each other and no one gets pissed. Most of the time anyway. A school where we are brothers to each other.
I guess in some aspects I wish I were still studying in SJI, although there are new friends I've made in SA that really make my life fun and enjoyable, namely the guys from 09S08, OG6 and SFC :)
--Xiang An at 9:51 PM
Saturday, April 04, 2009
Life con was a blast! The whole process was fun, the preparations in the afternoon, ushering and jumping along with the songs at night during the concert and camwhoring with everyone after the concert.
I could see saints in the first few rows jumping and dancing along with the dancers and band, and all the ushers were at the back praying for the hearts to be moved and people to stand up for Christ. Whatever the response was, we decided not to be too disappointed with it as ultimately God has to reign sovereign. There were the good points that came out of the concert too, Christians rededicating their lives to God and non-Christians entering into His kingdom.
I guess all we have to do now is come back with a vengeance for Life Con 2010! :D
And the preparations were really funny. Mr Adi saw that the dancers had glitter in their hair and he said "I want glitter in my hair too!" in a really kiddy tone. That was hilarious. Not to mention all our lame comments during preparations.
All in all, I enjoyed myself, even if I did reach home at midnight and was ready to drop dead.
The J2s!
The Dancers! :D
Celine and me! hahaha
Pearl and me.
School was fun too. Mr Adi revealed he found our blogs and since he read that some ppl ponned school, from now on he would call our parents if we took an MC. Then we were all commenting on how we would make our blog posts really stupid, like inserting his name in a chunk of Chinese words so he would be guessing what we were saying.
I guess I don't really feel that shocked or awkward. After all, as he said, all he wants to do is get to know about our daily lives better so he can reach out to us before we decide to commit suicide one day.
--Xiang An at 1:01 PM
Thursday, April 02, 2009
So I helped out in the control room for chapel today. I basically had a sneak preview of the chapel videos ahead of the JC1s >) I saw shub's answer to "What is fulfiment to you" and Dom blocking the camera cause he didn't want to answer. Apparently ALL the girls were to shy to answer so the video shows only guys. That is just sad.
A Pastor Timothy Chow is preaching for chapel, though I'm not sure which church he's from. The wireless mic he was using was dying out on low batteries but thankfully they didn't give out till he finished his sermon. Thank God.
Ms K came in halfway through preparations, just to bitch at ME cause I happen to be the only SFC member in the room. It's okay, I'm used to tanking scoldings for no apparent reason at all (as some scouts will know, is prone to happen :D). And cause one of the mentors left a cup of water in the room when there are no liquids allowed in there.
I just happen to have an unlucky streak - the day before I was the one that she arrowed to go erase the whiteboard as I was the ONLY one walking out of class from the front door (stupid idea.) Guess what made it better? The fact that we wrote stupid stuff on the board in PERMANENT marker like "Look here" and "Free Period".
It was April Fool's, but the permanent marker was an accident. Lynette and the girls tried to pull one on Mr Yuen by fainting but it failed epically. Which was expected. The fainting prank is used way too often and besides, everyone was laughing even BEFORE the fainting began.
Oh well, there's still next year.
And I'm so looking forward to Life Concert tomorrow. To the uninformed, it's an evangelistic concert held in SAJC. This year's them is fulfilment, simply put: that there is only one true source of eternal fulfilment, and that is God.
Mr Adi apparently has a phobia of the amplifiers cause they are about twice his height.
I have no idea why some people think evangelistic events are hard to get people to open up to Christ, but hey, that's just me. Anyway, I'm hoping that there will be hearts that will be opened tomorrow. We'll just wait and see.
Like Jem said during our SFC meeting: While in all the hectic mess of preparations, we shouldn't lose focus of our goal: to glorify the Lord and that at the end of the day we can do nothing without His blessing.
Just hoping tomorrow will be an epic success.
--Xiang An at 10:06 PM