I know I've screwed up, I know I've been neglecting my studies quite a bit.
I'm trying to change, but you're not making it easy.
You're worried? So am I! I just asked for an hour to relax and use the computer, but you had come and stress me out even during that time.
Yeah, I left questions blank on my homework. BIG FUCKING DEAL. If I knew my content perfectly I wouldn't bother practising, would I?
I try to be understanding, I really do. I know you're worried, whenever you see me using the computer. Try to understand that it's my outlet, how I vent. I asked for an hour to relax, but you won't even give me that. I know you're worried but I'm only human and I have my limits.
Please, mom, I'm breaking at the seams and I'm not Superman. Even then he's weak to Kryptonite. There's only so much I can do. I need support, not blame or pressure.
You don't realise how close I am to letting all the fears, anger, anxiety out in one burst. You don't realise how close I am to unleashing all this darkness within me and doing something irreparable. I try to keep it in but I can feel it fighting to break out. I don't want you to be there when it happens.
My teachers push me at school, you breathe down my neck at home. My only moments of levity and rest are when I'm on the bus home. Once I reach home I already start worrying about the amount of work I have to catch up on. There's only so much I can do in 24 hours, and I can't go from crawling to flying in the blink of an eye.
Even now you're yelling. Just stop, please. I'm close to breaking. --Xiang An at 10:06 PM
Wednesday, September 07, 2011
Throw It All Away
Take everything from the inside
And throw it all away
Cause I swear for the last time
I won't trust myself with you.
--Xiang An at 11:42 PM
Sunday, September 04, 2011
Today is the day
Singing this song in worship today just got me thinking.
I've got so much to be thankful for, but I'm always easily affected by how others seem to be getting all the things that I want in my life.
So what?
I've got great friends, despite the lack of contact due to busy schedules. I guess letting the hustle and bustle of life keep me from church was letting myself forget that Jesus is in every moment of my life even when I drift away. Moses may have been denied the promised land because of his mistakes but God was still with him every day of his life.
So what if I don't get the girl, or the various other things I wish I had? God is in my life and I'll just have to believe that everything will work itself out in time.
I wish I wasn't carry all this baggage from my past when all I need to do is let it go and have God turn it into something new. I can't keep feeling upset every August because I remember the day I confessed to a girl and she accepted, then went on to lose her 8 months later. God always has something better and I have to stop letting my past hold me back. I can't let my jealous and bitterness keep me from appreciating what I already have.
I'm casting my cares aside,
I'm leaving my past behind
I'm setting my heart and mind on you, Jesus
I'm reaching my hand to Yours
Believing there's so much more
Knowing that all You have in store for me is good, is good.
Today is the day You have made
I will rejoice and be glad in it
Today is the day You have made
I will rejoice and be glad in it
And I won't worry about tomorrow
I'm trusting in what You say.
Today is the day, today is the day.
--Xiang An at 12:34 AM