The secret side of me I never let you see I keep it caged but I can't control it So stay away from me the beast is ugly I feel the rage and I just can't hold it
It's scratching on the walls, In the closet, in the halls It comes awake and I can't control it Hidin' under the bed, In my body, in my head Why won't somebody come and save me from this? Make it end!
I feel it deep within It's just beneath the skin I must confess that I feel like a monster I hate what I've become The nightmare's just begun I must confess that I feel like a monster I, I feel like a monster I, I feel like a monster
My secret side I keep Hid under lock and key I keep it caged but I can't control Cause if I let him out He'll tear me up, break me down Why won't somebody come and save me from this? Make it end!
I feel it deep within It's just beneath the skin I must confess that I feel like a monster I hate what I've become The nightmare's just begun I must confess that I feel like a monster I, I feel like a monster I, I feel like a monster
It's hiding in the dark Its teeth are razor sharp There's no escape for me It wants my soul, it wants my heart
No one can hear me scream Maybe it's just a dream Or maybe it's inside of me Stop this monster!
I feel it deep within It's just beneath the skin I must confess that I feel like a monster I hate what I've become The nightmare's just begun I must confess that I feel like a monster
I feel it deep within It's just beneath the skin I must confess that I feel like a monster I'm gonna lose control It's something radical I must confess that I feel like a monster
I, I feel like a monster I, I feel like a monster I, I feel like a monster I, I feel like a monster
--Xiang An at 8:02 PM
Sometimes
Sometimes - Skillet
--Xiang An at 12:57 PM
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Patience
It's been a testing couple of days. Extended Chapel, Prep Camp, taking over poster designing for Chris while he's out of commission... Not to mention other personal issues and the fact that all this toiling for EWLC has had my parents more than a little pissed off at my "lack of concern over my studies".
They do have a point, I'm probably not giving as much attention to my studies as I could and should be, but the harsh words are still uncalled for. It's still a clash of belief. I believe that in giving my best to God, serving in EWLC, I am willing to suffer in my studies and personal life. My parents don't want to me to retain again (although what proof they have that my grades still suck remain a mystery...) My mom's exact words were "Don't give so much effort to your CCA, if your studies suck you won't have a CCA."
And then she started on about how I was going to suffer in life if my grades didn't get better, about how I was going to suffer in NS as well if I was still so unfit. (In short, things that had absolutely nothing to do with my 'laziness' at all, just her paranoia.)
The only reply to her I had in my heart was, "Mom, I'm willing to sacrifice my grades to see God glorified in the college. I know my God provides for me as long as I remain faithful to him. And yes, I realise my computer games are distracting me, which is why I'm fasting from them for this 40 day Prayer and Fast my school has."
Yet, I didn't say the words. Not because I didn't dare to, but because... My mom just won't understand. She's not Christian, and she never understood why I choose to give so much to SFC. Given her mood, those words were tantamount to commiting suicide.
Right now the only thing I can do is pray for God to work in this situation, and hopefully if I can get my mom to come down for Life Con, maybe I can show her just what I, and the whole of SFC, have been toiling and bleeding for. Maybe when all our efforts are materialised and placed before her eyes, she'll come to understand my faith in Christ and I'm hoping, that she might even receive salvation.
Sounds ridiculous, sounds like the kind of miracles that happens in movies. I'm hoping God will at least grant me this small one, even if I have to put up with another 100 more talks on the matter before it happens.
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And the dry season I've been having is taking its toll. My language use has become a little stronger, not in a good sense, I'm extremely irritable and masking it behind anti-social behaviour and annoying rants. Everything and everyone is getting on my nerves and so many times I've had to muster all of my self-control not to blow my fuse at others.
It's the over-contemplation. It's the fact that I still have no far king idea what to do about my doubts and questions about the problems I'm facing, if they are even problems at all. The fact that my mind is reeling from all the commitments that have been weighing on me recently.
I know this is probably going to sound selfish and attention seeking, but my anger is exacerbated when the people I care about are so oblivious the fact that I need someone to talk to, and lecture me for my periods of irritability and foul language. I know it's not their fault, I know it's my problem. I know that if I need to talk to someone, I should just go up and say so. Yet I keep stopping myself. Maybe it's pride, maybe it's the fact that everyone (well, maybe just the girls) are just as busy and exhausted (if not even more) and still keeping their shit together.
Maybe it boils down to jealousy, that they are seemingly doing fine and so cheerful about it all, while I'm here breaking down and slowly turning back into the old me. I keep praying and the same issue keeps coming back, and on a daily basis too.
I'm close to losing my sanity, my self-control. And I'm still too afraid to reach out to the people who can help me and ask them to.
--Xiang An at 11:08 PM
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Forgetting Sarah Marshall my ex Angie
Venturing out, moving on.
Not trying to make the wounds heal but letting heal on their own.
Sounds wise, sounds easy. So hard to pull off.
But no, I'm not going to post a song, or write a poem like I usually do when I'm upset. Cause you're no longer worth the effort or the pain or the shame. If I'm going to post a song, it'll be a happy song. If I'm going to write a poem, it'll be a happy poem.
No more dwelling in the sadness of the past. Looking forward to the joy of tomorrow.
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This article is useful for all of SFC, I believe. Even if some of us aren't considering relationships that way, I found some of the things quite applicable even to friendship.. Haha
Yes, Celine, you can gloat about me reading that site now.
Found some answers to the questions I've been looking for, I guess. It's going to take some time and prayer before the issues I'm dealing are fully resolved, but I'm trusting in God to guide me on this path.
--Xiang An at 9:52 PM
Sunday, February 21, 2010
No Compromise
As expected, the sermon during service today was on BGR, following Valentine's Day which just passed last week. This time, it was on the issue of compromising...
Like when we know something is sinful and that we should not go near it, but we make a compromise, "Just this one time". And that's how it snowballs into a cycle of sin. How we compromise on our promises and covenants to God when temptations come along.
And I feel like I've been compromising on my covenant to put God first in my time in JC. To serve Him to the best of my ability and my covenant to stay single and not entertain thoughts about getting in a relationship. Somehow, I'm still thinking that there might be a chance I could handle having a relationship at this age...
So many questions I've been asking regarding this...
Even if I am ready, is now the right time? How do I gauge my level of readiness, and how does that compare to God's gauge of my readiness?
I guess it all boils down to praying about it and trusting in His plans and purpose for me, that when the time comes where I am ready to take those huge steps in my life, God will tell me the direction I should take or the appropriate response.
Until then, I'll wait and just let Him mould me and refine me until He sees His image in me. Why do I fear being alone? God is with me, even if there isn's girl beside me holding my hand. And if His plan for me involves me find true love, then she'll be waiting for me at the end of my growing up process as a Christian, right? Isn't that why we keep saying true love waits?
Again, isn't finding true love ultimately about when, and not who?
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Street Evangelism today! We were at Bishan, walking around J8 and the bus interchange. Most people were busy shopping or were talking on their phones so we didn't really have a chance to walk up to someone and evangelise, but towards the end of the session we talked to this uncle who was selling roasted chestnuts. He wasn't interested in hearing us out till the end, but at least hopefully, the next time someone talks to him he'll be a little more receptive.
Heard about another pair of youths who talked to this man who was thinking of choosing a religion, and they evangelised to him at a timely period. Although he did say he wanted to try attending a church near AMK, it's awesome how God used the two of them to reach that man and sow the seeds at such an apt timing...
And it made me wonder, what are His plans for Easter Week and Life Concert? We might see 100 salvations, or only 1, but in the end all glory goes to God, doesn't it? And something critical I've learned during SP class is that 1 person being saved can be so much more fruitful in the long run than 100 converts in a single shot... So either way, whatever the results are, it's about trusting that God has a plan for greater things in the future, no matter how far off it may be, isn't it?
Even if we don't see it now, or if we are disappointed that our own goals weren't met, who knows how much more beautiful and amazing God can turn that into in the future? None can fathom, so it's just about trusting that everything we have can be made perfect by God and to entrust Him with it... Today's different events have just been teaching that one great lesson... And I imagine God isn't done ministering to me regarding this yet...
It's kind of... exciting :)
--Xiang An at 9:58 PM
Looking Up
Could've given up so easily, I was a few cheap shots away from the end of me Taken for granted, almost everything I would've died for, just yesterday
Honestly, can you believe We crossed the world while it's asleep? I'd never trade it in, Cause I've always wanted this and It's not a dream anymore No, it's no a dream anymore It's worth fighting for =====
God knows the world doesn't need another guy like me But what a waste it would've been xD
I can't believe I almost hung it up.
--Xiang An at 1:30 AM
I'm legal
so guess what's the first thing I bought as a little birthday present in the afternoon?
Heineken. And the cashier didn't even ask for my IC. Meh.
Anyway, my gratitude and affect goes out to the following people:
Mr Adi The mentors SFC Joel, Valerie and Bro Nic Rena My family (duh...)
for actually remembering my birthday and wishing me a happy birthday without facebook reminding them. I changed it on facebook to prevent the spam of birthday messages and cause I wanted to have a quiet birthday (you can say I'm being emo if you want. meh) ... but it seems the above people sabotaged my plan.
Though technically, anyone could've cheated using their handphones to remember birthdays. (I swear, remembering whose birthday is when by heart is a dying art.)
Although it is really touching to know I have friends who would celebrate the day I came to earth to annoy the living hell out of them... hahaha. Okay, that they would celebrate my birthday.
Especially for SFC, taking time out to celebrate my birthday amidst our hectic period of Life Con auditions and preparing for Prep Camp... Thanks a lot for the cake guys, although we didn't have time to cut it and eat it. Haha.
So today was cousin Hui Fang's wedding ceremony also. It was a simple one at ROM, and it sort of cheered me up after the last week of PVD. I guess God was giving me a little reminder that I can have that one day in the future too, and not to let the past and present stop me from believing in a better future.
Hm, did I just implicitly confess I'm hoping to get married one day? Crap. There goes my reputation as a guy. Pfft.
And a thank you to Mr Adi for the present once again. Forgetting Sarah Marshall, and the note. Haven't gotten around to watching it yet, since my parents are home and it'd be kind of questionable to watch a movie that includes scenes of nudity and telling your parents the movie is a gift from a teacher.
=====
And... tomorrow's a big day. Street evangelism for everyone attending SP class (which I happen to be an element of the said set) and I guess I'm kind of nervous about going up to a stranger and evangelising to them just like that. But I'm hoping God will be with me and speak through me... cause He knows that I might just end up saying something someone will misinterpret. Hahaha.
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This song is just... awesome. And this video makes it darn cute too! hahaha.
--Xiang An at 12:01 AM
Friday, February 19, 2010
THIS.
THIS is EXACTLY how I felt after Watch Night Service after the bomb dropped on me. THIS.
How can a 10 go for a 5?
And I don't even think I'm a 5... more like a 3. Or 2. Bleargh! Forget this, I don't want to think about this anymore. Graahhhhhhhhhhh I'm going crazy.
Yes, this means I'm on a short fuse lately. GRAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *Death stare*
--Xiang An at 5:03 AM
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Romans 8:35-37 "Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us."
It's been a tough couple of days, with me feeling so far away from God. It was like no matter what was going on, I was just so caught up in all the contemplations and busyness of life. Today during Morning Worship I just tuned out everything and laid it out all down before God.
I'm not going to worry about what His plans are for me or what problems are coming my way. I'll just let things unfold as they do and trust that the Lord is leading me where He wants me to be... Sometimes when you're lost and can't carry on, it's just best to let God carry you.
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On a side note, am I the only one in SFC who had the video of the white gloves playing in my head when Who Am I was being sung during Morning Worship?
Suddenly things don't feel like conincidences anymore... Or is it another example of the quote, "Coincidence is God's way of remaining anonymous"? Could He be nudging me in that direction?
Or is planning for chapel just taking over my thought processes and sanity? D:
--Xiang An at 5:03 PM
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief
It's not a bad movie, but not a very good one either. The plot was... Underwhelming. The action scenes, okay, not bad, but considering we're talking about a demigod who has undergone exactly ONE day of training, there wasn't any really cool scenes to talk about. Humour, yeah okay, it's at all the appropriate moments.
Ending totally sucked. I'd thought Percy would make the Olympian gods reconsider their actions, but he ended his speech prematurely. Sigh. Honestly though, if you're considering watching it... Go read the books instead. They're much better.
Pearl was amusing herself when they were looking for pearls (yes, she said "I'm here."). I'm not going to elaborate because I don't want to spoil the movie for anyone who wants to watch it. Haha.
Headed home after that, and Pearl was entertaining herself by playing with my arm. She was leaning against that plastic pane beside the door, and I was standing beside here and holding on to the bar beside the door. She basically came up with different ways to play with my arm in that position, from imaginary piano to whiteboard to just plain slapping it away.
And I was trying to avoid those "This couple is being a nuisance" stares from the other passengers. Firstly cause we're not a couple, and secondly because... do I need to say more? She's playing with my ARM. For amusement. It's part of my body and I feel like the temple of the Holy Spirit has been turned into a playground.
Haha, an exaggeration but.............. I wanted to sleep and she was keeping me awake ):
Maybe I should just sleep in tomorrow and let her carry the box herself as revenge. Hah.
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Visted boss' house in the afternoon, was the first to arrive. She was watching Ouran High School Host Club, and it just felt weird being the only visitor while her family was home. The rest were late by an hour or so. Played mahjong, and I didn't win any games. Jeannette and Pearl kept feeding each other and winning. Luckily we weren't betting any money ):
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God gave us reasoning and prudence, but how much should we use it? Been contemplating a lot about BGR and love lately (an unfortunate effect of Valentine's Day), and while I've been fooling around during the Chinese New Year, I've been wondering if some times I take things too far with some of the girls I know when we're just having fun together.
Take the instance on the train today, for example. Should I have stopped Pearl if it seemed like I was about to cross the line from playing a fool with a friend to flirting and seeing her as a candidate for prospective girlfriends? It doesn't seem right either, since it's just harmless fun.
Especially since I know God's plans for me regarding the matter.
So, the ultimate issue here is, how far do we reason, debate and contemplate when life is all about walking in faith? When do we carefully consider how we should approach certain issues and when do we just throw reason to the wind and take the leap of faith?
--Xiang An at 10:38 PM
Monday, February 15, 2010
Food and mahjong to distract me
I guess I know I can't go back to how it was, and I wouldn't want to. The funny thing is, if I was ever faced with that situation, would I be able to react in the right way? A guy's defense when it comes to girls and relationships, especially when that girl is his ex, may not exactly be Fort Knox.
I don't know, and I hope I never have to find out. I don't want to go back to how it was even if I could. Looking back, if not for the break up I might probaby not have returned to church, or maybe I would have returned for the wrong reasons and lost my focus on Christ anyway. I remember this quote, "We turn to God when our foundations are shaking only to find He is the one shaking them."
I guess this was true. Although it took some time for me, the thing is, would I have realised I needed God to help me through all of this if He hadn't broken me through that painful experience?
Although it still kind of sucks when the people you can usually talk to about your problems can't really offer you advice for lack of experience/knowledge regarding the matter. Is this God's way of telling me I need to go consult other people or sort this out myself? =/
Bleh, I don't know. And I'm kind of tired, plus I have to wake up early (today) to go visit more relatives' homes. I guess I'll deal with the pondering post-fun.
--Xiang An at 1:23 AM
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Ghost of Valentine's Past
So after 2 years, I meet her again, not in real life, but in my dreams. She acted as if nothing had ever happened between us, wanting to get back together again and asking me to meet her at that pavilion in the park we always used to rest at.
Why, why did you have to come back and haunt me at such a time? And in the one place where I couldn't walk away from you even if I tried.
Worse still, why does a part of me wish that dream was real?
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"Watching you walk out of my life does not make me cynical about love but rather makes me realise that if I wanted so much to be with the wrong person, how beautiful it will be when the right one comes along."
That craptastic day that everyone so annoyingly endears is drawing near once again. That day where I know my stupid secret wish of having a girl confess to me on the day won't come through. Stupid stupid stupid.
Realism sucks when you're in a sappy mood.
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I can wait forever, If you say you'll be there too I can wait forever if you will I know it's worth it all To spend my life alone, with you.
They say you only find love by giving it, yet I find myself giving it away expecting to have it returned. It's been tough trying to push these thoughts out of my head lately...
Perhaps that's why we have to wait. Not for the right person, but for the right time, when we're finally spiritually and emotionally mature enough to handle love, and when we learn to give it away expecting nothing in return. Especially when I try to push those thoughts away with just as selfish thoughts.
How can I claim God's promise if I only want to be a better man of God just because of the promises, and not because of who He is - the almighty God?
Though I wouldn't say the past few days have been a total loss, I thank SFC and S04 for being such awesome friends. Though I've only been with S04 for like 1 week, we've already started to bond and grow closer as a class.
Still, it hurts to remember 14 February when I see couples acting all lovey dovey and wishing I had someone to behave in such a manner with. It hurts to remember I once, in my childishness, wanted so badly to have something similar that I went down a path I heavily regretted.
I know the following words are going to sound ridiculous, but I'm thankful for the great friends who've given me great memories in SAJC, yet I'm still looking for that one person who'll redeem 14 Feb as a day worth celebrating for me. I know what God has spoken to me about regarding this issue... but I find myself thinking things in my heart I shouldn't, and the question still remains, how much longer until I'm ready?
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Will Hayes: I wanna marry you because you're the first person I wanna look at when I wake up in the morning, and the only one I wanna kiss goodnight. Because the first time that I saw these hands, I couldn't imagine not being able to hold them. But mainly, when you love someone as much as I love you, getting married is the only thing left to do. So, will you, um, marry me?
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The human heart has hidden treasures, in secret kept, in silence sealed. The thought, the hopes, the dreams, the pleasures, whose charms were broken if revealed.
--Xiang An at 2:48 PM
Friday, February 05, 2010
An earnest prayer
"If sinners be damned, at least let them leap to Hell over our bodies. If they will perish, let them perish with our arms about their knees. Let no one go there unwarned and unprayed for." Charles Spurgeon
Went to eat with my OG today and realised quite a few of them are rather anti-Christian. I have no idea what brought this out in them but I'm praying for their hearts to change and that God will come and break down those walls... I may not know them that well yet but I hope their time on SAJC will just come to bring them closer to God or even better, to receiving Him into their lives.
I don't know how long it'll take to see my prayers manifest but I resolve to keep praying until something happens.
--Xiang An at 7:01 PM
Thursday, February 04, 2010
Words to live by.
We can stand affliction better than we can prosperity, for in prosperity we forget God.
Dwight L. Moody
--Xiang An at 10:26 PM
Sorely lacking
"Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity." 1 Timothy 4:12
This was shared during SP class on Sunday, and also yesterday during SFC. I just felt kind of bad that in having fun the last few days of orientation, I haven't really been living up to that verse as much as I should have.
Some dissent is happening between the particular girl and the guys in the OG, yet I find myself agreeing with the guys instead of making a stand as a follower of Christ and trying to love the unlovable. While that certain girl may have been annoying and at times obnoxious, I don't have the right to be criticising her or judging her.
In fact, I should be encouraging the guys to be nicer to her, even if they find her irritating. I agree on the irritating part, but I've been guilty of that as well... Perhaps that'll be something else I can work on for the rest of the time we have together as an OG.
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On a side note... It seems like I'm having a breakthrough on an issue I've been struggling with for the past few years. Maybe it's just exhaustion preventing me from engaging in my bad habits, but hopefully I'll be able to break the habit. Your prayers are appreciated :)
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For the past few days, as I walk from the bus stop to school, I find myself praying for the people in the different parts of St Andrew's Village. For the Christians and workers in COR, for the young men in SAS and the young boys of SAJS. Finally, for everyone in SAJC - especially for the Christians in the college.
I've been praying that those raring to go forth and serve the Lord in SAJC will really rise up and keep their zeal burning bright, and that those who are still undecided on whether they want to will just come to answer the calling. Those that have decided not to... Well, they all have their own reasons, but my prayer is still the same for them, that their passion to serve will be ignited and that God will just strengthen each and every one of them for the great journey ahead.
There's this growing sense of excitement (and yes, tension) at what new challenges and blessings this year will bring. I can't wait to see how all the hard work and planning will unfold during Easter Week/Life Con, and the amazing things the Lord has in store for every one in SAJC... It's like watching a magic show where you've been practising and working at your repertoire, just to see the expressions of awe and amazement when you finally reveal the fullest effect of your trick. Or a rock concert where you can't wait to unleash that wailing solo you've been working on and to watch it crescendo and send girls screaming in the concert hall... Well okay, the audience, not just girls.
Our trick, our crescendo? It's simple really. The glory of His name, all our efforts into showing everyone the power of His name... It'll be tough getting it done, it'll be even tougher living it out...
But in the end... It's God who will reveal His splendour, the awesomeness of His "magic", the roaring thunder of His crescendo... I'm merely a stagehand setting up the CC for the glory of His kingdom.
--Xiang An at 7:18 PM
Wednesday, February 03, 2010
All good things come to an end
The last day of orientation has finally come to a close, bitter-sweet I guess. On one hand orientation has me really exhausted and I haven't been doing ANYTHING for chapel planning the past week. My proposal is due on Friday... Kill me ):
On the other hand... OG15 is awesome. We've had so much fun together and just really got to know each other better before we have to be separated again... (OG6 still holds that special place in my heart though :D) Hopefully we'll have more chance to meet up.
All the guys finally matched the girls' level of highness during finale today... With the help of a Red Bull for each of us before it started. We had a toast outside the CC before we went in to get ready for finale. We were yelling random stuff and cheering for no reason and did our cheers standing on chairs, hyper-ed to the max for mass dance.
In other words... Crazy (fun-loving, self-consciousness abandoned) Xiang An totally manifested today and SFC WASN'T THERE TO SEE IT MUAHAHAHA. Too bad for you guys. I,.however, caught a glance of Pearl and Waki (yup, waki! A once in a lifetime spectacle) doing the Shake It mass dance together with the J1s at the back of the hall. (Thought I didn't see you guys did you.)
Andreas was sadly peeling lemons alone after orientation ):
--Xiang An at 10:47 PM
Tuesday, February 02, 2010
Red bull
I need it for tomorrow... Ending at 9 to 10 ish for orientation and I'm like dying already ):
YA took over as OGLs in the afternoon. Interestingly Rachel (Lim) took over as my group's OGL... hahaha it was kind of fun watching her try to get everyone to listen with her (soft) voice and the hall's poor acoustics. Though it was kind of awesome that she did the forfeit with us for one station.. hahaha.
She commended me on my knowledge of the gym equipment when I pointed out the machine that trained the butt muscles (they have a nicer sounding name, I just couldn't be bothered to find out the spelling xD). My only reply was "I failed NAPFA, had a lot of time to know the gym last year.
Fail Xiang An, fail ):
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PMC was awesome despite the one really critical response made by a Presbyterian student. I'm not usually one to criticise or say something about other denominations... but I don't understand how some people can be so uptight and for lack of a better expression, speak as if they have a stick up their asses.
I get what he meant, and I agree with him to some extent, yet I question why some people have to make Christianity seem like it's supposed to be some really traditional thing with things like "fun" and "modernity" taken out of the equation. I mean, Jesus exemplified what it mean to preach to the lost with relevance to their lives.
Don't get me wrong, I agree that relevance and modernity should not come at the cost of sacrificing our focus on Christ, but I believe it's wrong to condemn them altogether. I don't know, maybe it's just one of those things that Christians will always argue about, and I definitely disagree with that guy's criticism of what we do in SFC, but hey, I can't say for sure that my beliefs are absolutely the only way to reach out to Christians or the way Christians should behave.
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On a more personal note... It also reminded me of the lack of that really open-minded environment in Singapore. Like during Amazing Race when we were stopped from doing our mass dance outside Plaza Sing... Harmless fun is no longer tolerated in public? We weren't getting in the way or anything, yet we were made to stop. Being fun-loving becomes "immature" at times.
Why can't we just go crazy and have senseless fun at our age? Is adulthood about being "mature" all the time? I wish that as we grew older, Singaporeans won't start killing off their inner children...
Leaving you with a song with my thoughts on the matter (regarding Singapore's uptight-ness):
I'm just (a little) less extreme than Blink 182... xD
--Xiang An at 8:59 PM