I lie here paralytic
Inside this soul
Screaming for You till my throat is numb
I wanna break out I need a way out
I don't believe that it's gotta be this way
The worst is the waiting
In this womb I'm suffocating
Feel Your presence filling up my lungs with oxygen
I take You in
I've died
Rebirthing now
I wanna live for love wanna live for You and me
Breathe for the first time now
I come alive somehow
Rebirthing now
I Wanna live my life wanna give You everything
Breathe for the first time now
I come alive somehow
I lie here lifeless
In this cocoon
Shedding my skin cause
I'm ready to
I wanna break out
I found a way out
I don't believe that it's gotta be this way
The worst is the waiting
In this womb I'm suffocating
[Bridge:]
Tell me when I'm gonna live again
Tell me when I'm gonna breathe you in
Tell me when I'm gonna feel inside
Tell me when I'm gonna feel alive
Tell me when I'm gonna live again
Tell me when this fear will end
Tell me when I'm gonna feel inside
Tell me when I'll feel alive
8-8-8
No more.
Self-pity. Depression. Excuses. Denial. Letting the past define me. Re-opening old wounds. Egocentricity. Loner Attitude. Paying lip service. Taking life for granted. Obssession. Lust. Anger. Pride. Secrets.
No more.
8-8-8
I need another story
Something to get off my chest
My life gets kind of boring
Need something that I can confess
Till all my sleeves are turned red
From all the truths that I've said
Come by it honestly I swear
Thought you saw me wink, no
I've been on the brink so
Tell me what you want to hear
Something that were like those years
I'm sick of all the insincere
So I'm going to give all my secrets away
This time,
Don't care if the critics ever jump in line
Don't need another perfect line
I'm going to give all my secrets away.
--Xiang An at 8:37 PM
Friday, October 07, 2011
The Last Night
I'm just holding on to the hope that it'll be the last night feeling like this.
This is the last night you'll spend alone
Look Me in the eyes so I know you know
I'm everywhere you want Me to be
The last night you'll spend alone
I'll wrap you in My arms and I won't let go
I'm everthing you need Me to be
I won't let you say goodbye
And I'll be your reason Why
The last night away from Me,
Away from Me --Xiang An at 8:43 PM
Wednesday, October 05, 2011
Jesus Take the Wheel
This song has been on my mind a lot recently, for a variety of reasons.
A Levels
Perhaps this is the most obvious of the issues stressing me out recently. After all, 32 rank points for Prelims isn't exactly a good indicator of being ready for A's. Definitely not enough to get to Uni. I have a little less than 5 weeks to get all four of my main subjects up to par. It seems like a lot of work is cut out but somehow I can still waste time writing/reading fanfiction or wasting it away at home.
I know that on my own power I don't have the will or the strength to maintain the discipline I need to focus and revise adequately. Every morning as I sit in the LT for morning worship I keep asking God to help me, and more than once it seems as if what the worship leader shared was a slap to a face and a much needed wake up call. I was extremely moved when Kelvin shared a song he wrote in chapel last week. The first verse seemed exactly like what I was going through - I was intimidated by the shadows of my past mistakes and fears of what lay ahead. The song aptly reminded me that the God who loves me is in control.
For one, my mom's tried to be less overbearing and while she's still nagging me every night when she reaches home, the yelling and aggressive demands have stopped. While it still irritates me to no end that she insist I go buy more test papers or TYS or whatever (this is on top of all the test papers I get from school) and that I increase my tuition classes to twice a week (can't find an argument for this one aside from the fact that I'm less than enthusiastic about more work, but I guess I don't have the right to complain)
Still, I hope that I can make that extremely huge improvement I need to in order to do well for my A levels. On one hand, I know it's a bit unrealistic to suddenly score straight A's after the abysmal results and effort I've been putting in. At the back of my mind, I can't help but hope that God will see me through, dreaming that it'll be just enough to get me into FASS. I am under no delusions that if I do manage to get in, it'll entirely be God's grace. I certainly haven't done much to make any of it to my credit.
Girls
Yes, get the eye rolling over with now.
Maybe it's because I'm still writing fanfiction and somehow my ships are thinly veiled fantasies that the lucky guy in the story could be me. I have just a few more months to go before the whole "no dating during JC" rule I made myself stick to is over, and perhaps it's the reason why I suddenly find myself intensely affected by the opposite gender. Is it a "so close yet so far" kind of thing? Possibly.
Don't get me wrong, it isn't as if I ogle every attractive or pleasant looking girl on the street I pass (mostly)
SFC Juniors, Qi, A? It's infuriating how a simple wave and a smile when I pass them by in the corridor can drive me crazy, or how a tweet about a failed relationship makes me wish I could find the guy and make him pay, while letting her know that she could do so much better ("LIKE ME!" Though this is the delusional part of me that believes I can sing, play the guitar, bass and drums really well and basically is irresistible. Perhaps this version of me exists in some parallel universe and God have mercy on that universe, but I doubt it) or that I somehow, in some poorly thought out this-belongs-in-a-cheesy-romance-plot daydream, grow closer to them and become The One.
Sigh, yes, my hubris knows no bounds. On the other hand, there's the low self-esteem, constantly anti-social and loner side of me that keeps saying "Yeah right, like THAT's going to happen", I can't help but hope. This is of course, the side of me that would adamantly say I have given up on love, or that I'm heartless and don't feel a thing (which is preferable state of being if I wish to keep my sanity, probably)
Maybe this part is best summed up with this song: (except of course, I'm a guy and I have no delusions about any of this being "love")
Ok, and maybe also cause I wish I had muses that followed me around and sing background music as I go about my day.
Army
Not looking forward to it. I'm unfit, I'm probably going to react badly to army life since A) discipline hasn't exactly been my strong suit and B) I don't adapt to sudden changes well. You can ask my family about the latter if you wish - I hate going on overseas holidays for this reason.
I'm currently PES D pending a heart scan on 5/12, which according to some people means I'll probably end up being in a non-combat unit. Still, there is a tinge of worry about potential heart problems at 19.(yet, I just finished an entire pint of Chunky Monkey before this...)
I don't know if I'll be able to handle it and there's a very real part of me that wants to just find any way to make the 2 years in NS as painless as possible (read: KENG) but there's also a part of me that keeps assuring me that whatever I'll go through in the Army is probably God's way of preparing for uni and adult life. I can't stay the 19 year old nerd who lives with his parents and spends all day gaming forever (unfortunately).
Sometimes I hate having to grow up.
Still, Jesus take the wheel. I make a lot of poor decisions (and if I want to a tad more serious about this, self-destructive) but I'm trusting that God sees a version of me where all the flaws and parts of me I hate will be molded away, or at least I'll be mature enough to accept who I am, despite who I wish I was.
SFC
Well, I kind of miss them. I meet up with Chris every now and then, but so far I've hardly met up with the girls at all since the KTV session (aside from Yveena) and I really miss the only real friends I've had in JC (well, it sounds a bit serious but I guess it's kind of true)
Still, I'll have a few months to arrange outings and catch up after my A's, so not a big issue. It's more of a "Why can't my A's be over" thing, to which the responsible side of me replies "You'd flunk everything if it was"
Some people are probably diagnosing schizophrenia right now. Haha. Or split-personality disorder.
Maybe I'm just good at being different personae because I roleplay a lot. No, not that kind of roleplay, you dirty-minded gits. Girls in Singapore aren't that kinky. (I should probably shut up now.) Google Roleplayer Guild if you're curious. (I'd advise going straight to the Casual/Advanced section)
Whatever the days ahead hold, Jesus, I know You're by my side. Like Mr Chia shared from John 11:15 this morning ("Jesus wept"), You feel everything I'm going through and You're not just some distant pair of eyes observing my life with clinical interest and helping me on a whim. (Also, the reason why the world is fortunate I'm not God.)
--Xiang An at 11:17 PM