A tough few months lie ahead for me and my family... and I don't know how I'm going keep up the strength, but I'll just trust in You, I can only trust that You'll see us through this, for better or for worse.
Worship and praise Him the Lord of lords.
Spirit now living and dwelling within me Keep my eyes ever fixed on Jesus' face Let not the things of this world ever sway me, I'll run till I finish the race
Singing unto the Lamb who sits on the throne Be glory and honour and praise All of creation resounds with the song Worship and praise the Lord Now unto the Lamb who sits on the throne Be glory and honour and praise All of eternity echoes the song Worship and praise Him The Lord of lords
--Xiang An at 10:24 PM
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Healer
Even while bad news came, You delivered good within hours.
When I am powerless to do anything else but pray, You come to the rescue and say "Watch Me work."
Nothing is impossible for You, Lord.
I love You, I need You Though my world may fall I'll never let You go My Savior, my closest Friend, I will worship You until the very end
--Xiang An at 6:55 PM
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Storms vs God
Don't tell God how big your storm is, tell the storm how big your God is!
I will praise You in this storm even while my world seems to be crashing around me. I entrust her into Your hands, Lord. Even as my mom is admitted into the hospital tomorrow, may Your presence comfort her. My soul will sing, "God You reign".
I will praise You in this storm.
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Tick tock, hear my life pass by I can't erase and I can't rewind Of all things I regret the most I do wish I'd spent more time with you Here's my chance for a new beginning I saved the best for a better ending In the end I'll make it up to you You'll see, you'll get the very best of me
Time passes by, Never thought I'd wind up One step behind Now I've made my mind up
Today I'm gonna try a little harder Gonna make every minute last longer Gonna learn to forgive and forget Cause we don't have long, gonna make the most of it Today I'm gonna love my enemies Reach out to somebody who needs me Make a change, make the world a better place Cause tomorrow could be one day too late
Your time is running out You're never going to get it back So make the most of every moment Stop saving your best for last
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Somehow, one simple piece of news can bring your whole life into perspective. Remind me how much I've taken my mom for granted and how much love and care she has shown me. How little of her love I've reciprocated. Feeling guilty and ashamed for things like not helping her keep the house tidier, vacuuming the floor when she asks me to...
And basically having my world being shaken violently by God, reminding me that life is short and that tomorrow could be one day too late. --Xiang An at 8:47 PM
Monday, April 19, 2010
Shutter Island
Teddy Daniels: Which would be worse, to live as a monster or to die as a good man?
Shutter Island is a definite must watch for everyone. Awesome movie.
I found myself relating to the ending a lot after Mr Adi explained it to me... Was confused when I watched it. But now... the only song that really describes how I feel right now is Monster.
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My secret side I keep Hid under lock and key I keep it caged but I can't control it Cause if I let him out He'll tear me up, break me down Can Somebody come and save me from this Make it end?
I feel it deep within, It's just beneath the skin I must confess that I feel like a monster I hate what I've become The nightmare's just begun I must confess that I feel like a monster I feel it deep within, It's just beneath the skin I must confess that I feel like a monster I, I, feel like a monster I, I, feel like a monster
It's hiding in the dark Its teeth are razor sharp There's no escape for me It wants my soul, it wants my heart No one can hear me scream Maybe it's just a dream Maybe it's inside of me Stop this monster!
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Does anyone agree with me that the drummer of Skillet is really cute? :D
--Xiang An at 8:00 PM
Maybe it'll be true
If I say "Sin has no hold over me!" enough times, perhaps I'll be able to break out of this cycle once and for all.
--Xiang An at 3:37 AM
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Yours to hold
I see you walking by Your hair always hiding your face I wonder why you've been hurting I wish I had someway to say You're going through so much Don't you know that I could be the one to hold you?
Every single day I find it hard to say I could be yours alone You will see someday That all along the way I was yours to hold
I'm stretching but you're just out of reach You should know I'm ready when you're ready for me And I'm waiting for the right time For the day I catch your eye To let you know That I'm yours to hold
--Xiang An at 9:26 PM
Friday, April 16, 2010
She will be loved
I don't mind spending every day Out on your corner in the pouring rain Look for the girl with the broken smile Ask her if she wants to stay a while And she will be loved
Tap on my window, knock on my door I want to make you feel beautiful I know I tend to get so insecure Doesn't matter anymore It's not always rainbows and butterflies It's compromise that moves along, yeah My heart is full and my door's alway open You come anytime you want
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Doesn't it suck to want to be there for someone but being afraid of saying something wrong? Or feel awkward cause you were never really close to them in the first place?
So many people upset around me, yet I don't know how to approach them and let them know someone's there for them. So this song is for all of you.
--Xiang An at 9:21 PM
Thursday, April 15, 2010
When everyone says "Good job!"...
I can't feel it. No pride or joy in my achievements. AAB/A GP E for MSA1, bringing my rank points a score of 72.5
Very good results, but somehow I can't feel happy about it. Cause I know this is really God's grace that gave me such good results.
A, I hardly studied. By this, I mean, doing my tutorials at the very last minute, doing either EWLC stuff or just slacking off when I have time to do them in the first place.
B, I hardly paid attention in lectures. Okay, this was because I actually filled in my notes ahead of time, but still.
C, Other than revising my work during my Chem and Physics tuition lessons, I didn't do anything else.
So to sum it all up, I got "amazing" results, but I know it wasn't my best. I'm not going to use the fact that I was busy with Easter Week preparations as an excuse. I had time to study in spite of that but I didn't, and yet I got such "great" results. Could I have done better? Probably.
Although some might say God remains faithful to those who serve Him and put Him above all else... I can't help but think I haven't done my job as student, where He has placed me in this season of time. And I don't think that gives me an excuse to slack off. Or is this merely a result of my sacrificing my December holidays to honor my parents' wishes and revise my J1 syllabus? That I actually have a better grasp of things and don't require that much revision at all?
Whatever it is, CTs are coming up and they're definitely not like MSAs at all, so it's high time I start getting into the full swing of studying. With Easter Week over, I have even less of an excuse to be slacking off. 72.5 rank points isn't something easy to maintain and I had better not get complacent...
So thank You, Lord, for granting me these grades despite my lack of effort studying during the EWLC period, and grant me strength and discipline to get back to dating my textbooks...
Then again, there's this facebook group that says, "When I'm dating my textbooks, my bed seduces me." So true ):
--Xiang An at 8:29 PM
The pain and suffering that Jesus went through during Crucifixion... The details are gory and I cried when I heard what he had to go through. Knowing that my Saviour literally died of a broken heart.
And then Pastor Darrick said something else that really broke me at the altar, "It wasn't the nails that held Jesus to the cross, it was love." Knowing that He suffered so much pain and yet followed through on His work on the cross because He loved us so much, I couldn't help but cry.
Then I wondered, if I say I want to emulate His love for people, would I be willing to go through the same pain? Knowing that the same breeze that keeps me cool brought Him inexpressible pain on the cross, knowing that I've already been pushed to the point of wanting to give up without even coming close to having to suffer even an infinitesimal amount of the pain He went through.
I couldn't help but ask, what did He see in each and every one of us that He was willing to suffer such pain to save us? What did He see in me?
And I asked myself, why do I still look for love in other places? When all I need is Him?
An analogy was given during service, each of us are just navigating this maze, and each time we hit a dead end, distractions and temptations come, don't they? Funny thing is, something hit me while that analogy was going on... You can always look up in a maze.
Look up and know that Jesus is watching over you and is guiding you through, if you choose to listen. Look up and trust in His guiding light. So that's what I'll do, even when the path is painful.
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I don't need a lot of things, I can get by with nothing Of all the blessings life can bring I've always needed something But I've got all I want When it comes to loving You You're my only reason You're my only Truth
I need You like water, like breath, like rain I need You like mercy from Heaven's gates, There's a freedom in Your arms That carries me through I need You
And it's so amazing 'cause it's just how You are And I can't turn back now Cause You've brought me too far
--Xiang An at 3:00 PM
Saturday, April 10, 2010
East to West
The same thoughts as the previous post... Does anybody know those around us who are going down?
Does anybody hear him? Does anybody see? Does anybody even know he's going down today?
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I lie here lifeless in this cocoon Shedding my skin cause I'm ready to I wanna break out, I found a way out
I don't believe that it's gotta be this way. The worst is, the way that, in this womb I'm suffocating. Feel Your presence filling up my lungs with oxygen I take You in, I'm done
[Chorus] Rebirthing now I wanna live for love I wanna live for You and me Rebirthing now, I wanna live my life I wanna give You everything...
[Bridge] Tell me when I'm gonna live again Tell me when I'm gonna breathe You in Tell me when I'm gonna feel inside, Tell me when I'm gonna feel alive?
Tell me when I'm gonna live again Tell me when this fear will end Tell me when I'm gonna feel inside, Tell me when I'm gonna feel alive?
--Xiang An at 10:46 PM
Friday, April 09, 2010
If we are the body
So true isn't it? We get so caught up in our own troubles, so comfortable with our own friends we don't see those among us who are suffering.
This song's been reminding me to be there for those in need, in whatever little ways I can. Yet... It brings with itself a danger that I find myself unable to tolerate how some people are so unwilling or unable to see past their own selfish thoughts and just give a shit about someone else for once. Students treating their teachers, even among classmates and CCA mates (from what I hear from classmates, it's a pervasive thing) ...
So if we are the body, why isn't His love reaching the people?
It's a question that everyone has to answer within their own hearts, and I don't claim to be in a position to be preaching it to anyone, I'm still trying to answer this question myself. Still trying to focus on fixing my own walk with God, setting my responsibilities right and at the same time not grow so focused on myself that I neglect the needs of those around me. It's not easy, and recently I've been more than tempted to just let my apathy take over and keep my distance, even from people whom I care about.
It's not easy either, so many lies try to bring me away... Thoughts like how the people whom I care about and serve just couldn't be bothered to show the same concern back. Thoughts that tell me to just cut them off and walk away from them. To let them know just how it feels to be pushed away and have your hand bitten when you reach out to help.
The worst is, these thoughts are so convincing. Especially to someone like me, a guy who advocates giving people a taste of their own medicine to send a message across. I'm still struggling with taking up this stand and being the Christ-like disciple I'm supposed to be and loving those around me even if they hurt me to no end.
It's not easy, the task of not conforming to problems that plague our own generation. I've seen firsthand how some people have been confront with this "can of worms", as Jem would say, and still fall into those habits. And it scares me, not because it's something that as followers of Christ, we shouldn't be doing, but...
Because I think "If they want to be selfish idiots, then I can't be bothered with them."
Sucks to see the deep dark side of yourself that's so ugly and twisted, isn't it?
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What will you do to make a difference, to make a change? What will you do to help someone along the way? Just a touch, a smile as you turn the other cheek Pray for your enemies, humble yourself Love's staring back at me.
In the midst of the most painful faces Angels show up in the strangest of places
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Everyone's looking for angels, are you, are we willing to be those angels? Even when we're not asked to? To see above ourselves?
--Xiang An at 9:38 PM
Thursday, April 08, 2010
Do you know what it's like when you're scared to see yourself? Do you know what it's like when you wish you were someone else, Who didn't need your help get by? Do you know what it's like to wanna surrender?
Do you know what it's like when, you're not who you wanna be? Do you know what it's like to be your own worst enemy, Who sees the things in me I can't hide? Do you know what it's like to wanna surrender?
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If I wasn't here tomorrow would anyone lose sleep If I wasnt hard and hollow Then maybe you would miss me
I know I'm a mess and I wanna be someone Someone that I'd like better...
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I'm just so tired of this crap. What the freak is wrong with me.
--Xiang An at 2:50 PM
Tuesday, April 06, 2010
Musings...
Ever been at the point where you really want to talk to someone, even if about something totally innocent and harmless, but wonder if your intention is more than to just catch up with them or just to give a word of encouragement?
It's bad enough to be at such a point with regards to one girl, but how about when it's two of them?
It's a tough process of working things out. Is it just pride stopping me from letting go? A need for past mistakes to be amended, or a desire for closure? I told her I understood when she didn't want to give me an answer as to why she stopped communicating with me, and it's been 2 long years since then, yet recently I've been suddenly having thoughts about just sending her a text asking her how she's been. I have no idea where these thoughts came from in the first place. Is it prompting from the Spirit, or temptation from the Devil? Am I supposed to re-enter her life as a friend, or keep my distance and hope our paths never cross again?
And these thoughts are undoubtedly opening old wounds that I thought have healed. Or are they just making me more aware of new wounds that were made from that experience?
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Then there is the second girl. We haven't been particularly close over the past 2 years, but recently our interactions seem to be a bit more... friendlier than usual. Sometimes it appears to be as if it were innocent flirting. Yet I know I'm not yet ready for a relationship at this point.
So when I send her messages of encouragement, when I invited her for Life Con (along with the cell...), was I secretly hoping something would happen somewhere along the line? Probably.
So what now? I know God has a plan, and even while I'm confused I'm learning bit by bit to trust that plan will come to pass, even if I have doubts and impatience. Yet on my part, what do I do? Do I do nothing, or am I supposed to make an effort, to try to learn to love, in the context of friendship, while I struggle with the feelings I have in my heart? Or does that make my intentions less pure, with an ulterior motive behind them?
Thoughts forcing my head to critical mass, to near self-implosion... And the only thing I can possibly do is... pray.
--Xiang An at 8:26 PM