It's kind of funny how God seems to up the level every time you get older. Or rather, as each year passes you begin to look back and realize that He's been slowly bring you from trial to trial, through every storm, and somehow you've gotten a little stronger, a little wiser, and facing tougher trials as they come along. Hmm.
So this year, I've realized I've begun to speak out more, become more able to converse with people, and somehow I haven't made a total mess of my roles in SFC. Studies wise... Well, a lot more discipline's got to work in that area, and the lack of sleep isn't helping much, but hey, we've got make sacrifices for the sake of the Gospel. I'm just thankful I'm not dying as horribly as some people are, and that I've got a (quite) good grasp of my schoolwork even if I haven't been putting too much time or energy into it. Hm. Perhaps it's just a reminder that when I do put in the effort I'll actually be able to get the grades everyone around me seems convinced that I can achieve, even if I don't believe it at times.
I was considering for a moment whether or not to make my birthday public on facebook. It's not an emo thing, it's just that I feel wishing people happy birthday on facebook when you see the reminder just seems to lack that sincerity, that true admission of friendship and emotion somehow. I appreciate every person who remembers my birthday and I've kept every card given to me so far, every little sincere thought. Not that facebook wishes don't mean anything to me, it's just... I'd appreciate less wall posts and more SMSes or phone calls? I don't know, just seems that it'd be a better show of our sincerity to me personally. I guess it isn't really that big of deal, since there are way too many people we know nowadays that we can't really remember everyone's birthday. Still.
--Xiang An at 1:11 AM
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
"Enough" is more than enough
After a proper night's of sleep, I was in a much better to come before God and just throw everything before Him. She's with someone else? Fine. I'll wait for the day mine comes to me. If God doesn't have one in mind... Well, I guess I get to serve Him with all of the time and energy I have then.
Cause all I have in Him is more than enough. He knows my needs and my desires, and He knows when I'll be ready to receive if I should receive at all. There's no point being upset over things when I've still got time ahead for God's plan to come to its fullness in my life. No point being impatient about it, God won't change, but I will.
After all, this is the God who went all the way to the Cross so that I could be reconciled with Him when I was still far off. A God who saw who I was, am and will be even before I was conceived. Even while I was raging yesterday He gave me enough reasons to smile and say, "Well, today ain't that bad."
Two reasons specifically - 1) Cheki with Hikari! Haha. Okay, so maybe this one is a bit iffy whether it's "God's" idea or mine, but hey, God definitely reminded me to stop being bitter and count the good things that happened. 2) Chris called from BMT! Hahaha, like Celine said, "aww the bromance" xD. Well okay, I guess you could add the fact that I got chocolates from Abigail too during morning worship as a reminder that someone somewhere remembers me on such an overrated and awful day.
Just gonna end off with this song that's been on my heart the whole day, and indeed the reason for this post's title.
All of You,
Is more than enough for me
For every thirst and every need,
You satisfy me with Your love
And all I have in You is more than enough.
You are my supply
My breath of life
Still more awesome than I know
You are my Reward
Worth living for
Still more awesome than I know
All of You,
Is more than enough for me
For every thirst and every need,
You satisfy me with Your love
And all I have in You is more than enough.
You're my sacrifice
Of greatest price
Still more awesome than I know
You're the coming King
You are everything
Still more awesome than I know
All of You,
Is more than enough for me
For every thirst and every need,
You satisfy me with Your love
And all I have in You is more than enough.
More than all I want, more than all I need
You are more than enough for me
More than all I know, more than all I can see
You are more than enough for me
All of You,
Is more than enough for me
For every thirst and every need,
You satisfy me with Your love
And all I have in You is more than enough. --Xiang An at 8:22 PM
Monday, February 14, 2011
That Should Be Me But I'm a Coward.
8-8-8
Everybody's laughing in my mind
Rumors spreading 'bout this other guy
Do you do what you did when you
did with me
Does he love you the way I can
Did you forget all the plans
that you made with me
'cause baby I didn't
That should be me,
holdin' your hand
That should be me,
Makin' you laugh
That should be me
This is so sad
That should be me
That should be me
That should be me
Feelin' your kiss
That should be me
Buyin' you gifts
This is so wrong,
I can't go on,
Do you believe that
That should be me
8-8-8
This post is going to be dam emo. You've been warned.
When you tell God that you're going to let Him decide your life, He sure doesn't let you have it easy. I told Him that yesterday regarding Charlie and this morning, all I got was to see her be someone else's valentine. Add that to the fact that Valentine's already has me on edge for another reason, this just totally killed me.
I know that the peopel who (usually) read this blog are going to tell me, "Hey, you know what? God has His plan. It wasn't meant to be." I'll pre-empt those responses right now - you're not helping. In fact, God is almost on my Valentine's Day shit list right now. Well I can't say I didn't think this was going to happen when I decided to lay this issue before Him and let Him do as He would. But really? 24 hours? In my face at EVERY break I have today? Cut a guy some slack.
I know the chorus of the song posted above stinks of pride all over, but I can't help but find those lyrics echoing in my heart over and over - "THAT SHOULD BE ME."
Well, it's like Shi Hao said, I had two options - let her know or let it die. I chose to latter and now I've got no one else to blame but myself. Why, Xiang An, couldn't you have been selfish once and said those words? You're a downright idiot. Chris was wrong, you're not a chewtoy of fate, you're ASKING fate for it because you're a freaking coward. GRAH.
You know at the end of Shutter Island when Leo DiCaprio would rather be lobotomized than live with the painful memory? That's me right now. Sigh. Relax, I'm not going to do something stupid. Well, okay, nothing too stupid, at least.
--Xiang An at 12:49 PM
Wednesday, February 09, 2011
That should be me, thank you for the broken heart
Really talented musician! Recently I find myself listening more and more to guys like this on Youtube than the original artists...
8-8-8
Everybody's laughing in my mind
Rumors spreading 'bout this other guy
Do you do what you did when you
did with me
Does he love you the way I can
Did you forget all the plans
that you made with me
'cause baby I didn't
That should be me,
holdin' your hand
That should be me,
Makin' you laugh
That should be me
This is so sad
That should be me
That should be me
That should be me
Feelin' your kiss
That should be me
Buyin' you gifts
This is so wrong,
I can't go on,
Do you believe that
That should be me
8-8-8
Everything I know about love
I learned from you
Everything I know about pain
I learned from you
You were my only,
You were my first,
You showed me lonely,
And you took me in when I was hurt
But the most important thing you gave me
Was the one that hurt the most
So thank you for the broken heart
Thank you for the permanent scar
Cause if it wasn't for you
I might forget
How it feels to let go
How it feels to get a brand new start
Thank you for the broken heart
I still remember when you called
And said that he didn't mean anything
How could you expect me to look at you the same way
You were my only,
but not my last
You showed me lonely,
and made me put you in the past
But the most important thing you ever gave me
Was the one that hurt the most
So thank you for the broken heart
Thank you for the permanent scar
Cause if it wasn't for you
I might forget
How it feels to let go
How it feels to get a brand new start
Thank you for the broken heart
And every time I find myself alone in pieces
I find myself
I'll just remember when you hurt me and I made it
So thank you for the broken heart
And thank you for the permanent scar
Cause if it wasn't for you
I wouldn't be here
with the love of my life
all my pain disappeared
I've come so far
so thank you for the broken heart --Xiang An at 11:41 PM
Tuesday, February 08, 2011
The V Word.
So that day draws near again... Absolutely putting a downer on things for the whole week. I know it's for utterly stupid reasons that my mood takes a dive down the deep end of the suckage pool, but I can't help but feel jealous at those people who are so disgustingly in love (or infatuation... take your pick) yet internally recoiling at the reaction I have, when the other, wounded part of me says, "You had it once and you blew it, it's only going to happen again. Don't bother."
After such a long time, when I keep telling myself "You don't need this! Not now. Look, you've already got so much on your plate!" At the same time, I can't help but wonder what it'd be like, to have someone really care for you in that way, to share your burdens and weather your storms with you, and you doing the same for them. I laugh at all the stupid love songs the other people in school are dedicating to their friends and significant others (on the other hand recoiling at the lack of taste in music) yet I wish I could do the same for someone else. Hypocrisy? Maybe.
It's the one thing I keep praying for God to guide me through, yet at the same time find myself getting more and more impatient the more these thoughts brood on in my head. Hm. Guess I can't really say God has been silent on the matter, it's evident enough that I'm not to get attached at this point in time, especially since I told God the same thing myself. Still, it don't help that at times like these I can't help but feel the sting. Possibly worsened by past experiences and present emotions.
Distractions... I wish I had enough of them to keep my mind off things. Yet it seems God is determined for me to suffer through this and just come to that place where I'm truly comfortable with my current status and not just saying it.
That said... It doesn't help that these two songs are stuck in my head.
8-8-8
You waved Your hand and it was done
Said "Let it be" and there it was
A mountain so high it broke through the sky
A canyon so deep it'd bring a man to his knees
I've seen what You can do
I've seen You make miracles and hopeless dreams come true
You made the heavens and the stars; everything
Come on, how hard could it be
To make her love me?
8-8-8
I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house,
That don't bother me
I can take a few tears every now and then
And just let them out
I'm not afraid to cry even though going on
With you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and then I pretend I'm ok
But that's not what gets me
What hurts the most,
Was being so close,
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
Never knowing, what could've been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do
It's hard to deal with the pain of losing everywhere I go
But I'm doing
It's hard to force that smile when I see my old friends and I'm alone
Still harder getting up, getting dressed, living with this regret
But I know if I could do this over,
I would save, give away throw the words that I saved in my heart
That I had left unspoken.
8-8-8
Why, God? Why do I still feel this way after so long? Is there something I'm doing wrong? Is it just the devil tempting me away from Your love, or is there something that's keeping me from moving on? You promised to heal all the brokenness, and here I am still feeling upset over this... Am I not letting You heal me, or is it going to take even longer?
Or is this just a stupid side effect of the frustration over this coming Monday? (I refuse to call that day by name, I refuse!)
Sigh. I wish I could just shut my brain off and go through this week mindlessly. ):
--Xiang An at 10:48 PM
Wednesday, February 02, 2011
Unreasonable, or selfish?
So, my dad got a new computer today, pretty decent specs.
And he forbade me from touching it. His reason? That I'm always hogging the new stuff at home.
Really, dad? A new computer with decent specs, that NO ONE in the house needs except for me (to game)? Something I only do on WEEKENDS? You do not need a quad core to do your work. Sis does not need it for photoshop. Mom doesn't need it period. Argh.
Rant's over. Maybe I'll talk to him later and try to reach an understanding. Grr. Infuriating when my dad just decideds to jump to conclusions and scold me for no reason.
I honestly don't think it's wrong for me to want to use a computer that doesn't start dying after 30 minutes of gameplay. Yes, I like new, upgraded stuff. Who doesn't? Don't use my mom or my sis to compare cause they have absolutely no interest or use for the upgraded stuff in the first place. Maybe I'm just being selfish here, but there was no point getting such a new computer so people can use it for all the mundane things that they can do on their own laptops/older desktop. Seriously. Graaahhhh this is infuriating.
--Xiang An at 8:21 PM