Even when you try to NOT be proud, you're setting yourself up to be proud, when you say things like "I'm glad I didn't act proudly!"
Kind of paradoxical, isn't it? Perhaps that's cause there's nothing we can do to be truly humble.
Humility has to come from the Lord. It has to come as abandonment and desperation to the fact that nothing and no one can help us but Him alone. Not even ourselves. Hm, that's a tough call there, but there's no point denying it.
The simple explanation is that we are all screwed up. You can find the most godly person you know and they will still be screwed up. It's innate. It's by the very fact that we're human. That just means we have to realise every day of our lives that we need God to come and mold us, guide us on to the right path.
There's no point denying that there have been things brought up today that made me remember and feel the hurts of the past again. It's as much as can be said when most people don't know me that well to have known about what had transpired between me and Angie (in fact, I don't think I've given anyone exact details). Yet whenever I see couples walking together on the street, sharing in that moment of closeness, I feel a sting in my heart.
I've grown tired from feeling this, from fighting the feeling. There's absolutely nothing I can do about it except let it pass with time and God's healing. The only thing I can do is keep praying. Not for God to mold me, not for God to erase the pain. For patience. The patience to abide by His will and that come what may, I'll trust in Him. Perhaps that's the root of the problem, and it might do me better to cure the disease instead of the symptoms.
8-8-8
I've practiced this for hours, gone round and round
And now I think that I've got it all down
And as I say it louder I love how it sounds
Cause I'm not taking the easy way out
Not wrapping this in ribbons
Shouldn't have to give a reason why
It's no surprise I won't be here tomorrow
I can't believe that I stayed till today
Yeah you and I will be a tough act to follow
But I know in time we'll find this was no surprise
It came out like a river once I let it out
When I thought that I wouldn't know how
Held onto it forever just pushing it down
Felt so good to let go of it now
Not wrapping this in ribbons
Shouldn't have to give a reason why
It's no surprise I won't be here tomorrow
I can't believe that I stayed till today
There's nothing here in this heart left to borrow
There's nothing here in this soul left to say
Don't be surprised when we hate this tomorrow
God know we tried to find an easier way
Yeah you and I will be a tough act to follow
But I know in time we'll find this was no surprise
Our favorite place we used to go
The warm embrace that no one knows
The loving look that's left your eyes
That's why this comes as no, as no surprise
If I could see the future and how this plays out
I bet it's better than where we are now
But after going through this, it's easier to see the reason why
It's no surprise I won't be here tomorrow
I can't believe that I stayed till today
Yeah you and I will be a tough act to follow
But I know in time we'll find this was no surprise
The kiss goodnight, it comes with me
Both wrong and right, our memories
The whispering before we sleep, just one more thing that you can't keep
Our favorite place we used to go
The warm embrace that no one knows
The loving look that's left your eyes
But I know in time we'll find this was no surprise
8-8-8
That song pretty much sums it up. Even when we broke up I knew it was for the best. Sucked to admit it, but the lyrics of the song ring true. I shouldn't have to wrap up the incident in ribbons, there's really no reason why, cause at the end of it I'll come out stronger, wiser, and perhaps a better person.
Right now I've still got to deal with the emotions and the pain, but it's gonna pass in time and I'll just leave it in the hands of the Almighty. There are days I wish things would progress quicker, but I don't have a Nexus to Chrono Boost it as I wish, so until the day when I can finally see the clear line that's led from a broken relationship to bearing fruits of the Spirit, I just have to be patient.
"Amen" is pretty much the only word I have left for this now.
--Xiang An at 10:11 PM
Memories
I still miss her.
More accurately, I still miss the things I did with her. Sinful nature, what can I say.
I'm learning to accept the fact that I'll never get her out of my mind. The memory of her face might fade with time, the exact details of our dates might blur, but I will always remember we were together. It's not that crazy, who forgets the first time riding a bike, or the first present, the first kiss, the first time you drowned in a pool?
It's these memories that remind you of the blessings you have, and warn you of the pitfalls you face.
Sure, along the road we call life, we all fall down. While God is always there to pick us up, teach us the lessons we need to learn and wipe away the tears, it doesn't change the fact that we still feel the pain of skinned knees from the fall.
The pain of a broken heart, that's perhaps the hardest thing to get rid of. It's like a bullet that that rests on your heart. The surgeons can never remove it, and it's always there to remind you of the day you got shot. Everytime you pass through a metal detector, airport security's gonna ask you about it. People can try to cheer you up, share the pain, even try to cure it by showing you love. The thing is, it's gonna be there.
Because there's only one person in this entire world who can cure it. Yourself.
*Gasp* Dude, it's God, you blasphemer! Well, it's true. You know God can heal the wounds and mend a broken past, what He can't (or rather, won't) do is make you forgive yourself.
Do I still beat myself up over the things I did to her, the things that I wished I could take back? Do I still imagine how things might have turned out if I had demonstrated a little more self-control and chose to turn away from sin?
Possibly. But there's no point thinking about the "what if"s in life, is there? We can't change the past any more than we can reverse the way the earth revolves around the sun.
Yes, I wasn't a Christian back then. It's kind of hard to expect a good character of yourself at a time where you had been away from church for five years. Yet some part of me still wonders. Do I wish I could see her now?
The honest answer is yes. To apologize for the things I did, to tell her I'm a changed person now, and I hope she's moved on and God has healed the pain for her. It's kind of silly to look for absolution after the fact, but I still hope for it. Maybe I just want to know that I've done no permanent damage. I do still pray that wherever she is, she's grown closer to God (after I influenced her to stray away from Him) and that her life is now better, more fulfilled.
I can't pretend that our relationship didn't happen. My only hope is that something good came out of it for her as it did for me. There's still a huge mess of things I've yet to clean up from the aftermath, but I can say the situation has improved (slightly).
At the same time, I wonder how much of what transpired between us changed me. My tendency to shun any kind of contact with girls, my instinctive yelling at myself when I start making fun of them or messing around (read: pranking, poke in sides, water bomb fights, etc) with them. There's a lot of damage I've yet to fix, to see myself in a better light and to move on from it and just be... well, me. The way I was around people before the whole "I should make all girls think of me as an idiot and therefore no chance of liking me" reflex kicked in.
Hmm, is it a good or bad thing? I guess keeping a certain distance is good, and God knows once I've crossed a line I have a tendency to make things get way out of hand, but I also think I'm way too guarded with myself. How can I learn to love myself and the people around me like Christ did if I'm still so guarded? It's a tough challenge, and one I'm still struggling with. Yet I can't help but wish things turned out differently. That we needn't have broken up and that I would still have learned my lesson. Though given the way I was back then, not likely.
What if she walked into my life now? Would I still want to be in a relationship with her? I can't honestly say "yes", but I can't bring myself to say "no" either. Yes, she made me laugh like no girl ever did (or has), she shared the same stupid jokes and interests I did (do you know how rare that is in a girl?) and if I were to list down the things I'm looking for in a wife, I'd have to be honest and say some of those qualities are hers.
Sadly, it's improbably (or impossible) for that to happen. We in the same church *Joel brought me there last year, long after the break up* and we never ever bumped into each other even once. There's definitely a good reason God hasn't let our paths cross yet.
Honestly, though. If ever God were to say, "You know what? I think you two are ready to meet again." (and that's a big IF), I wouldn't have much to say to her. I wouldn't even know if I'd take the chance to see her again. Do I want to apologize for bad influence and things I did to her? Yes. But I can always do that without meeting her. (I still remember her number, if she hasn't changed it. God, sometimes I wish my memory wasn't this good.) Maybe it's time I really tried leaving those things in the past.
It's hard. I'm not even going to kid myself and say I can do it. She'll always be in my mind, in that part of my memories where all my firsts are stored. I'll just have to live with it. Even if God decides we're to be given a second chance to meet, would I want her to be anything more than a friend?
Questions even I don't have the answer to. Honestly, no, I don't think I could handle that. Yet, it is tempting, as any guy will tell you. Yet these are thoughts I have to get off my chest.
The only real resolution that's come out of this is to never shy away from telling the story if it comes up. Hey, if someone learns from my mistakes, then thank God I made it on their behalf. Perhaps the only reason this still bugs me is impatience, that I want to know I've moved on and the wound's healed and that I'm tired of waiting, but still, it's something that still has to follow the Lord's timing.
I'm just hoping I've got the will and patience to follow it.
--Xiang An at 12:50 AM
Saturday, September 25, 2010
8-8-8
I don't want this moment to ever end
Where everything is nothing without you
I know why I did it,
And so I won't let this go
Cause it's true, I am nothing
Without you
Through it all, I made my mistakes
I stumble and fall, but I mean these words
I want you to know
With everything I won't let this go
These words are my heart and soul
I'll hold on to this moment you know
Cause I bleed my heart out to show
And I won't let go
The thoughts ran unspoken
Forever and now,
The pieces of memories fall to the ground
I know why I did it and so
I won't let this go
Cause it's true, I am nothing
Without you
All the streets where I walked alone
With nowhere to go
I've come to an end
I want you to know
With everything I won't let this go
These words are my heart and soul
I'll hold on to this moment you know
Cause I bleed my heart out to show
And I won't let go
In front of your eyes,
It falls from the skies
When you don't know what you're looking to find
In front of your eyes,
It falls from the skies
When you just never know what you're looking to find
I don't want this moment to ever end
Where everything's nothing
Without you.
I want you to know
With everything I won't let this go
These words are my heart and soul
I'll hold on to this moment you know
Cause I bleed my heart out to show
And I won't let go
8-8-8
Why does this song keep playing in my head? ):
--Xiang An at 1:45 PM
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Girls are evil part 2.
So, apparently our first hour of GP and Civics combined was the only lesson we had today.
Basically we had a 4 hour break (technically 2 of those hours should have been self-work periods, but you know how that works out).
So I learned some stuff that was pretty ... interesting, for lack of a better word. I seriously think the statement "Girls mature faster than guys" needs to be reconsidered in this day and age. The issue is quite sensitive, so I'm going to skim over the details and names, but let's just say there's quite a fair bit of FUBAR crap going on in the lives of my guy friends when it comes to the opposite gender.
I guess today sort of reaffirmed my decision to stay single and not even try to 'jio' any girls, as most guys would put it. From what I've seen so far, the girls who ARE mature enough to handle a relationship knows that it can wait, and those that don't... well let's just say that they don't exactly do a very good job of it.
Why do people get attached at our age? Having that intimacy with someone seems like a good way to fill the emotional (and possibly, spiritual) void within us. Yet the thing that happens most often is adding the partner's burdens to our own, and widening that void. I sympathize with you, my friend. It must suck to want to make a relationship work but having your work cut out for you.
We were all created in God's image, and while our fallen nature brings in imperfections, God slowly molds it and refines it till we are a perfect work. Just cause He didn't give all of us good looks (hence making all of us look plain, ironically) doesn't mean we aren't precious to Him, or to someone else. Yet I see people selling themselves out emotionally to reaffirm a self-worth that was always there, if you chose to see it.
Yes, I can't stand it when I hear girls say "I don't think I'm that pretty" or "I'm not that good at..." There's a line between humility and self-pity, and you crossed it about a thousand klicks back. There's a reason why a guy felt it was his good fortune to have gotten into a relationship with you, don't fuck it up (yes, I'm pissed off enough to curse) by playing self-worth games.
The only games you should play with your boyfriends are video games and sports. Leave the politics to the government and the drama to television.
/rant.
Though it is my sincere prayer that both parties to have their respective wounds healed. I'd hate to see things turn ugly, and I really hope the two of you manage to work out the issue. As for the guy involved, I know things are difficult but hey, there's got to be something worth the fight at the end, right? And if there isn't, then maybe the prize wasn't yours to begin with, and there's someone else waiting for you elsewhere.
And for my other brother with the same Father: Dude, we're all going through a tough time of dealing with ghosts of the past. Yet our God is so much bigger than that and sometimes we have to be patient and let Him finish the job of stitching the wound back together. Like how anti-septic makes the wound sting when you apply it, but it prevents the wound from infection and festering.
Press on in the affairs of the heart, my friends. It's never easy and it's always complicated, but if we just wait, if we're patient, there's be a prize worth the wait at the end of the finish line, eh?
God bless you guys.
Even if dealing with girls is tough. Meh.
8-8-8
Every guy needs to play this to his girlfriend once.
Note: This blog author believes that if they try to play the self-worth card with you again (after playing them this song), you are justified to slap *some sense* them.
8-8-8
Oh her eyes, her eyes
Make the stars look like they're not shining
Her hair, her hair
Falls perfectly without her trying
She's so beautiful
And I tell her every day
Yeah I know, I know
When I compliment her
She wont believe me
And its so, its so
Sad to think she don't see what I see
But every time she asks me do I look okay
I say
When I see your face
There's not a thing that I would change
Cause you're amazing
Just the way you are
And when you smile,
The whole world stops and stares for awhile
Cause girl you're amazing
Just the way you are
Her nails, her nails
I could kiss them all day if she'd let me
Her laugh, her laugh
She hates but I think its so sexy
She's so beautiful
And I tell her every day
Oh you know, you know, you know
Id never ask you to change
If perfect is what you're searching for
Then just stay the same
So don't even bother asking
If you look okay
You know I say
When I see your face
There's not a thing that I would change
Cause you're amazing
Just the way you are
And when you smile,
The whole world stops and stares for awhile
Cause girl you're amazing
Just the way you are
The way you are
The way you are
Girl you're amazing
Just the way you are
When I see your face
There's not a thing that I would change
Cause you're amazing
Just the way you are
And when you smile,
The whole world stops and stares for awhile
Cause girl you're amazing
Just the way you are
--Xiang An at 4:33 PM
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Girls are evil.
Really. The effect they have on men is nothing short of that. Sigh.
She still haunts me. Not because I keep thinking about her (although I still do), or I keep wishing we were back together (bad idea), but because every now and then, I catch a glimpse of a girl in service, walking along the street, and they resemble her that it makes me do a double take, hoping that it isn't her.
Why should running into her have such an impact on me? Isn't that what I want? To know if she remembers me, or if she has left the hurt I gave her behind.
I don't know, I thought I'm over her, yet I can't help but feel apprehension, maybe even fear when I see a girl who resembles her and think, "No, that can't be her! Here of all places?"
Maybe all my words about moving on have been hollow all along.
8-8-8
Leaving demon(esses) of the past behind me, there's another one who haunts me in the present. Not because I'm particularly close to her. Just that it's infatuation in the third degree, and God help me, it's bad. How bad? I can't help but wish she'd look up and spot me walking past her in the cafe or in the corridor just for a smile. I can't help but wish I even had the courage to strike up a conversation with her. [Actually, it's more of a "person I just met and haven't had time to get to know them better" phase that occurs with most everybody I'm friends with)
Add that to distractions I don't need with promos literally charging at me with sword in hand, this thing is going to bite me somewhere that'll hurt. Literally.
Not to mention the fact that there are those other girls who seem to have no idea they have one of those "make-guys-lose-all-rational-thought" vibes that they send out unconsciously, and I have a long list of reasons (all of them NAMES) to go hide in a mountain or start an all-male JC.
Sigh.
Now you see why girls are evil?
--Xiang An at 10:01 PM
Saturday, September 18, 2010
We were the reason
Pretty self-explanatory.
The horrifying thing wasn't the crucifixion itself... Think about it, if it was anyone other that Jesus going through all that in the video, would we not feel a similar sense of horror and pity?
No, the horrifying *and awesome* thing is that we crucified a man who was fully innocent and sinless, both full man and fully God. And that He willingly let all of this happen so that the world could be saved.
Imagine the dearest person to you, and if you knew that person carried the cure for cancer and AIDS in his blood, but in order to get it they'd have to be torn apart limb from limb, suffer unimaginable pain and lose their life in the process, and the decision whether that person would be sent to go through with it was entirely up to you, would you say yes?
Now consider the fact that our love is imperfect, and then multiply that by perfection, by infinite times. That's God's love. How painful was that decision for God, to send His ONLY Son to die for us?
Now put your shoes in the same scenario, that YOU now carry the cure for cancer and AIDS in your blood. Would you willing go to the slaughter, suffer all the pain and suffering, alone, just to die an inhumane death and save the world?
I honestly don't believe a sinful and broken world is worth all of that, worth the blood of the Son of God, yet God did. He believed all of that was worth it to redeem His creation. The same God who could have just hit the "restart" button on everything if He wished, instead of going through all of that.
Yet sometimes it's a faith that we take so cheaply, that we abandon and trod on in the slightest of trials...
Even after He came back from death, His last words to us were that He would be with us till the end of time. [Contrary to popular belief, not "go forth and make disciples...", which is pretty much taken out of context these days]
This kind of makes life's troubles seem insignificant... No, it DOES make them insignificant. Even more insignificant than a single electron in this entire universe.
--Xiang An at 12:36 PM
Monday, September 13, 2010
What Hurts the Most
I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don't bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let ?em out
I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while even though
Goin' on with you gone still upsets me There are days every now and again I pretend I'm okay
But that's not what gets me
What hurts the most
Was being so close
And havin' so much to say
And watchin' you walk away
And never knowin'
What could've been
And not seein' that lovin' you
Is what I was tryin' to do
It's hard to deal with the pain of losin' you everywhere I go
But I'm doin' it
It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone Still harder gettin' up, gettin' dressed, livin' with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade, give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken --Xiang An at 4:29 PM
Friday, September 10, 2010
God is God
And the pain falls like a curtain
On the things I once called certain
And I have to say the words I fear the most
"I just don't know."
And the questions without answers
Come and paralyse the dancer
So I stand here on this stage
Afraid to move, afraid to fall
Oh, but fall I must
On this truth that my life has been formed from the dust
God is God and I am not
I can only see a part of the picture He’s painting
God is God and I am man
So I’ll never understand it all
For only God is God
And the sky begins to thunder
And I’m filled with awe and wonder
‘Till the only burning question that remains
Is who am I
Can I form a single mountain
Take the stars in hand and count them
Can I even take a breath without God giving it to me
He is first and last before all that has been
Beyond all that will pass
[Chorus]
Oh, how great are the riches of His wisdom and knowledge
How unsearchable for to Him and through Him and from Him are all things
So let us worship before the throne
Of the One who is worthy of worship alone
=====
Normally I'd only post the lyrics for the part of the song that applies the most to the situation I'm in, but I just find that this time I have to post the entire's song lyrics. Just how true this is, that God is God and even when things are tough or not going as we want them to, we only truly see a part of the whole picture He is painting in our lives and the lives of those around us.
When we're uncertain and afraid to move, it is God who assures us that all is going according to His plan or that He will take care of it when it is too great for us to accomplish as mere humans. Truly we will never be able to understand it all - His love for us, His wonder, grace, power, glory and majesty, His plans for us and every soul on this earth, for truly He is the unfathomable God.
What can we do that compares? Can we form mountains? Count the stars or know them all by name? Truly we cannot even take each breath without Him giving it to us. It's at times like these when I remember how big God is... He's so big that the only word that really even comes close to describing it is "infinite". It's times like these that I know my hope and future is safe when I entrust it to God's plans.
The Lord knows my heart and the things I desire and the insecurities I face everyday, and lately I've been questioning a lot on why God hasn't taken them out of my life or why can't I just get the desires of my heart. This song reminded me that He is God and I am not, and that I can only see a part of the picture He's painting. Indeed, even at the end of my life and I look back on all the things God has done in my life, I may still never see what He's been planning the whole time. Patience is something that doesn't come easy when it comes to the arrival or departure of the deepest desires and fears of your heart. Yet wait in faith we must, that the good work God has begun in us will be completed in the day of Jesus Christ.
I'm going to end my post here. I'm not going to talk more about the situation due to its sensitive nature, but hey, God knows and that's good enough. Now I just gotta wait for Him to finish the process of molding and tell me I'm ready for all that lies in store for me.
--Xiang An at 11:59 PM
Thursday, September 09, 2010
Like a Candle in a Hurricane
You feel like a candle, in a hurricane
Just like a picture with a broken frame
Alone and helpless like you just lost your fight
But you'll be alright, you'll be alright
Cause when push comes to shove
You taste what you're made of
You might bend till you break
Cause it's all you can take
On your knees you look up
Decide you've had enough
You get mad, you strong
Wipe your hands, shake it off
Then you stand. Then you stand.
Life's like a novel, with the end ripped out
The edge of a canyon with only one way down
Take what you're given before it's gone
Start holding on
[Bridge] Everytime you get up and get back in the race
One more small piece of you starts to fall into place.
=====
Never give up!
=====
This is not how it should be
This is not how it could be
This is how it is
And our God is in control.
--Xiang An at 4:25 PM
Monday, September 06, 2010
Bless the Broken Road
Rascal Flatts has some really meaningful and cool songs. Bless the Broken Road is one of the songs that is really personal to me. I think I've just found the song to play at my wedding xD
=====
I set out on a narrow way
Many years ago,
Hoping I would find true love
Along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two,
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign
Pointed straight to you
That every long lost dream
Led me to where you are
Others that broke my heart
They were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way
Into your loving arms
This much I know is true:
That God bless the broken road
That led me straight to you.
I think about the years I spent,
Just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost
And give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand,
You've been there, you understand
It's all part of a grander plan
That is coming true.
[Bridge]
Now I'm just rolling home,
Into my lover's arms
This much I know is true
That God bless the broken road
That led me straight to you.
=====
The next song is dedicated to SFC '09/'10 and all my J2 friends graduating this year... It's my wish for all of you :) God bless all of you and I hope life will only lead you to everything you've dreamed it would be :)
I'll miss you guys.
I hope the days come easy and the moments pass slow
And each road leads you where you want to go
And if you're faced with a choice and you have to choose
I hope that you choose the one that means the most to you
And if a door opens to another door closed,
I hope you keep on going till you find the window
If it's cold outside,
Show the world the warmth of your smile.
But more than anything,
More than anything,
My wish for you
Is that this life becomes all that you want it to
Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small
You never need to carry more than you can hold.
And while you're out there getting to where you're getting to
I hope you know somebody loves you
And wants the same things too,
Yeah, this is my wish.
I hope you never look back but you never forget
All the ones who love you in the place you left.
I hope you always forgive and you never regret
And you help somebody every chance you get.
Oh, you find God's grace in every mistake,
And always give more than you take